Friends snide remarks after 3 years apart - Have I changed?

LegacyUser

Hi, I've been travelling for a few years and recently returned home. Went to meet up with some friends the other day for lunch and one of my friends made some comments that kind of annoyed me. Not sure if i've changed since i've been away and just not liking it or if i'm being over sensitive. We're both late twenties/early thirties. Firstly it came up on conversation about a mutual friend that I no longer talk to for numerous different reasons. Her mam has been very unwell, so I reached out to her recently and just told her i'm sorry to hear, and that I was thinking of her. Despite our differences I really wouldn't wish this on anyone and feel sorry for her. My friend made a comment and joke about almost and says to one of the other girls, here did you hear that you know X messaged Y? Then she says to me she probably thought you were rubbing it in. Then we were discussing weight and I mentioned recently when travelling I was working 7 days a week and piled on the weight, I mentioned this could be to do with hormones ( I have certain conditions that make my weight hard to control) as I was working flat out and only eating 3 meals a day. She responds with yeah your hormones went mad so you stuffed your face. She was planning a trip for her 30th and it was being discussed around the table, one of the girls pipes up and asks why are you not going, to which I responded I didn't get an invite. My friend then comes out with oh well you can come if you want. Really felt like an after thought. We're going on a night out soon and we were discussing over messenger and she makes childish remarks like, i'll share a room with you no one else likes you. I know this is probably just banter but it's annoying me. I tried to laugh it off and have a bit of banter. She was then like shut up or your not coming, and I said i'd rather stick on my slippers and watch neighbours anyways. To which I was met with you're a dope. I said yeap and you're a 12 year old, so she said you're annoying me now. Am I being a princess here? I just find it all very childish and its really grating on me. I don't even want to go on the night out now to be honest. And I just think is this a glimpse of what's to come? I think I may have just grown apart from her. My friends all went off to Ibiza recently and she was telling stories how she was under a table off her head on the first night, she ended up on crutches because she hurt her feet drunk climbing over a gate. I didn't go on the trip because I just thought I would have a terrible time, not my scene. Maybe i'm the one with the problem, but I just find it ridiculous behaviour at 30 years of age. I love this girl, she's really good qualities but i'm just feeling too old for this type of drama.

Colser

She sounds like a right bitch tbh..what are the great qualities and what is it that you love about her?Do you have other friends outside this group or are you dependent on their friendship?
I definitely wouldn't go on that night out OP as it sounds like she'll treat you badly and you'll end up feeling worse.

retro:electro

Eh she sounds like the type of girl I'd walk over burning coals to get away from. Not if I never had a friend in the world would I want to be friends with her. She sounds about 14 years old, what an idiot.

Call me Al

She reads as someone who is 16 and, sorry to say, doesn't really like you.
Unless she has other redeeming qualities I'm just not feeling it tbh!

Flippyfloppy

Jesus. Tough read. By the end I was sure I was mistaken that I was reading about 29 year old in bits in Ibiza and calling each other dopes. She is horrible.

Why are u thinking you're the one who changed? Did she say these things before you left?

Flippyfloppy

Jesus. Tough read. By the end I was sure I was mistaken that I was reading about 29 year old in bits in Ibiza and calling each other dopes. She is horrible.

Why are u thinking you're the one who changed? Did she say these things before you left?

Surreptitious

She sounds jealous of the fact that you've travelled and is taking it out on you. It would explain the demeaning comments and boasting about a sun holiday.

LegacyUser

I know exactly how you feel OP, in fact im currently in the slow process of cutting these people out of my life!
I worked in a different county for number of years only coming home every couple of weeks and missing out on birthdays, weekend trips and nights out. Eventually I stopped getting invited and since Ive moved home again the invites are coming but I often get forgotten for the random nights out etc and when I do get invited I usually cant go (joys of shift work).
One friend in particular is very childish (very similar to your friend) with name calling and back handed compliments stupid sh*t really! And while it took me a year to realise it, Ill be honest I cant be ar$ed with it so im going out with other friends and trying to expand my circle.
(The reason im slowly cutting this group out is because I grew up with them (and bypassed them) and it's not that big a town so we will meet, and I don't want to be crossing any streets etc-keep it amicable)

Dont feel too bad OP it may hurt now but you will get over it and find new friends on the way.

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks for the relpies. I thought I may have changed because I don't remember her being this irritating.I have 0 tolerance for it. The thing is she has travelled too but maybe not as long as she would have liked. She goes on plenty of holidays. I have plans to go back overseas though. I'm not dependent on her friendship to be honest. Luckily I enjoy my own company and have plenty of others I can talk to. My bf said maybe she might be just having banter, fair enough but I enjoy a bit of banter, can take a slagging but this just sits wrong with me. It felt passive aggressive almost.

December2012

She sounds like a character from Mean Girls.

I do t think she is your friend. Maybe an acquaintance or a drinking buddy, but not a friend. Now there can be an adjustment in relationships when somebody has been away, but this is mean behaviour more like the way teenagers can go on.

Was your relationship like this when you were teens?

beks101

Cut your losses OP, you'll never get kindness and support from this wagon. That's what real friendship is, not cutting someone down at every opportunity and trying to put you down in front of other people.

I wouldn't even say a thing to her or your other friends as she'll just use it as a stick to beat you with, the woman clearly loves drama. Just fade out your contact with her, don't be responsive when she texts or messages, don't get involved in online conversations and don't spend any time with her at social events.

You've been travelling and have no doubt met a wealth of wonderful people enough to know that life is too short to waste on her kind.

K_P

OP, keep your distance from this girl. She sounds like an absolute dose. Could you imagine how she'd behave towards you if you went on that night out. It'd be more snide comments, more nastiness about how she only invited you because she felt she had to. Just awful childish bitchiness that you're better off away from.

Having said all that, I do have one slight caveat on all this. I'm not saying you are, but please don't fall into the trap of thinking she's acting like this because she's jealous of you and your travelling. Maybe it's just my own experience, but there is nothing in the world more tedious and more arrogant than people who've been travelling banging on about how their year on the lash in Bondi Junction has broadened their mind so much and they've now achieved perfect enlightenment which us proles who stayed in Ireland could never hope to achieve. Again, I'm not saying that that's what you're like, in fact it doesn't sound like it at all. But "she's just jealous" is an easy and quite satisfying thing to think and it's not always true.

I'd suspect this girl was always like this as that kind of behaviour rarely springs up out of nowhere, and the fact the rest of the group saw nothing strange in her nastiness would make me think it's nothing new. Your three years away quite possibly made you forget what she's like, or you were simply used to it before, and it's now a shock to see just how awful she is.

LegacyUser

K_P wrote: »

OP, keep your distance from this girl. She sounds like an absolute dose. Could you imagine how she'd behave towards you if you went on that night out. It'd be more snide comments, more nastiness about how she only invited you because she felt she had to. Just awful childish bitchiness that you're better off away from.

Having said all that, I do have one slight caveat on all this. I'm not saying you are, but please don't fall into the trap of thinking she's acting like this because she's jealous of you and your travelling. Maybe it's just my own experience, but there is nothing in the world more tedious and more arrogant than people who've been travelling banging on about how their year on the lash in Bondi Junction has broadened their mind so much and they've now achieved perfect enlightenment which us proles who stayed in Ireland could never hope to achieve. Again, I'm not saying that that's what you're like, in fact it doesn't sound like it at all. But "she's just jealous" is an easy and quite satisfying thing to think and it's not always true.

I'd suspect this girl was always like this as that kind of behaviour rarely springs up out of nowhere, and the fact the rest of the group saw nothing strange in her nastiness would make me think it's nothing new. Your three years away quite possibly made you forget what she's like, or you were simply used to it before, and it's now a shock to see just how awful she is.

Hey there, I totally get your point and totally agree. That's why I was thinking maybe I had changed. I gave Bondi Junction a wide berth, lol. I don't see any reason she would have to be jealous, she's at a bit of a crossroads in her life, but we all are and we laughed and spoke about it over lunch,turning 30, what the hell am I doing, that sort of thing, so not sure what's wrong with her. I've had ongoing medical problems for the last few years so I don't really see why she'd be jealous of my position. I'm just doing the best I can like everybody else

GingerLily

You two aren't compatible, she's clearly irritated with you and you need a more sensitive friend. You need to distance yourself from her, if your hanging out together in a group just keep to a quick hello and move on.

groovyg

Op like other posters who have commented I thought I was reading about someone who was 13/14 and not a woman in her late 20s. I think you need to cut your losses, somebody who slags you off constantly is not a friend.

Hollister11

There's a difference between banter and trying to insult you.

You know when your mates are taking the pi*s, or when there really trying to insult you. She sounds like someone who needs constant attention focused directly on her, and that's why she acts like shes a child.

Cut your ties with her OP.

LegacyUser

Hollister11 wrote: »

There's a difference between banter and trying to insult you.

You know when your mates are taking the pi*s, or when there really trying to insult you. She sounds like someone who needs constant attention focused directly on her, and that's why she acts like shes a child.

Cut your ties with her OP.

Thanks, yeah I really don't want to spend any time with her if this is her attitude. I just don't need this level of drama. I'm already dredding the night out. I think maybe my friends think i'm stuck up or something, as one of the girls made a comment about "me and my lady like attitude before". My friends dabble in drugs and less than appropriate behaviour every now and again. They know i'm not in to that, have stupidly dabbled when I was younger, but I mean I could count on one hand and i'm not proud of the fact.

Chocolate fiend

She's just not your friend. There isn't much more to it.

Skibunny77

I think this kind of distancing from friends is really common in the late 20s/early 30s. Most people have figured out their character and values at this stage and tend to prefer to spend their precious free time with like minded people. Op, make an excuse, avoid the night away and continue to distance yourself. Life is way too short for that.

Lollipops23

OP it sounds like you've all grown into very different people. Nothing wrong with it, it's just a fact of life. If I were you I'd start moving away and distancing the friendships.

LegacyUser

Of course you've changed OP. But that doesn't mean you've changed in a bad way. It just means you've had different experiences to her and you haven't been around day in and day out in her life the last few years, so neither of you are used to each other. She has probably changed too - and maybe not in a good way.

Having said that, you sound like well, you've matured and she hasn't. Wouldn't be too worried about hanging around with her, you sound like you don't need people like that in your life. I'm early 30s, everyone I know has changed and to be honest, I'd be worried if we hadn't. It's part of life.

valoren

She sounds toxic and incredibly insecure although it is subtle currently, the longer you spend with this friend then the more obvious this toxicity will become.

True friends do not give demeaning, cutting and belittling remarks to their adult friends. She will no doubt say that these remarks are only her having 'banter' and should you confront her she will simply ask you what your problem is. That's the hallmark of the toxic bully. You're wise enough to know the difference between genuine banter which are made in friendly jest and comments that are intended to insult. She seems the latter.

lisasimpson

1st off what is your relationship with other mutual friends? Is she that cutting to other people?

Id say distance yourself from her. She is clearly unhappy with something in her life. I currently have a similar situation one friend who appears to be goig through some sort of crisis in her life and is taking it out on people.ive lost track of the amount of people this girl has fallen out with is critial of other peoples happiness so i know its not me personally
o doubt you are short friends..spend quality time with your other friends and bf

Yellow pack crisps

Some people don't like change and certainly do not like change in the friends they grow up with. Its a cardinal sin especially from working class backgrounds which i presume from the story you told is your background. I am from that background and would have faced the same thing. I always found it odd though that i enjoyed the simpler things in life and my slagging friends where always the type to trade up in house etc or car and that was ok but if i wanted to go watch a play in The Gate etc i was the posh bastard! Its just something you put up with or just ignore. I wouldn't cut them out completely as nothing you wrote is overly nasty and more than likely just a bit of insecurity and childhood 'humour' Live your own life and on your own terms.

Augme

Friendsmyeye wrote: »

Thanks, yeah I really don't want to spend any time with her if this is her attitude. I just don't need this level of drama. I'm already dredding the night out. I think maybe my friends think i'm stuck up or something, as one of the girls made a comment about "me and my lady like attitude before". My friends dabble in drugs and less than appropriate behaviour every now and again. They know i'm not in to that, have stupidly dabbled when I was younger, but I mean I could count on one hand and i'm not proud of the fact.

This part stood out to me. Gives me the impression that you're ashamed having taken drugs and feel there's something wrong with that. You're perfectly entitled to that opinion but if you're friends still take drugs then I can see how your attitude might piss them off. That doesn't excuse her childish behaviour though.


It sounds like you've both drifted apart and have fundamentally different outlooks on life and would be better off finding new friends.

dixiefly

Friendsmyeye wrote: »

Thanks, yeah I really don't want to spend any time with her if this is her attitude. I just don't need this level of drama. I'm already dredding the night out. I think maybe my friends think i'm stuck up or something, as one of the girls made a comment about "me and my lady like attitude before". My friends dabble in drugs and less than appropriate behaviour every now and again. They know i'm not in to that, have stupidly dabbled when I was younger, but I mean I could count on one hand and i'm not proud of the fact.

I agree with the others, she seems as if she has a dislike for you.

Why do you need to dread the night out? You can just decide not to go.

Is this night out the one for her 30th or another event? I would be avoiding her 30th if I were you.

LegacyUser

Augme wrote: »

This part stood out to me. Gives me the impression that you're ashamed having taken drugs and feel there's something wrong with that. You're perfectly entitled to that opinion but if you're friends still take drugs then I can see how your attitude might piss them off. That doesn't excuse her childish behaviour though.


It sounds like you've both drifted apart and have fundamentally different outlooks on life and would be better off finding new friends.

Thanks Augme, thought that point might pop up at some stage. Totally get it. I feel ashamed that i've done it, as it goes against who I am. Other people can do it and feel fine about it and that's who they are. The thing is i've never once judged or said anything to my friends about taking drugs. If anything the judgement has been passed to me and a snotty remarks were also made to a friend of mine years ago, who wasn't in to drugs back then as if she thought they weren't good enough or something along those lines. The poor girl was just sitting there.