Stuck .... Dunno what to do.

Deco52

I'm married to l a woman who was married before. I only mention this as lately when i think back being in the position I am in ....I can see the light. She got an annulment from the church as ..she wasn't in the mental position to understand the concept of marriage....we have one teenager. We got on well at the start ...nearly 18years ago. Got married abroad ...just us. No celebration when we got back....our decision.
I am just into my 50s. I am no prize catch either.
I was always kinda happy in my own company..used to have a pal or two...but 7/8 years ago they moved ..I never really bothered to try and make more pals. I suffer from a degree of social anxiety. I have let this talk over my life.
We are more like buddies that get on ok ...we are not like husband and wife. We don't really interact socially as a couple ..nor do I want to.
I am lonely. She knocks about a bit around ..she is nice person. I feel disloyal writing this behind her back.i think that we are different in things now that matter as time has gone on...it didn't really seem important before funnily. I like current affairs / news ...she likes ..big brother Facebook and soaps etc. I just feel I will plod along ..from decade to decade ...and the end will arrive ...job done...I have tried getting a bit of advice before professionally ..basically need to " get a life" ...I just am in such a rut I feel so drained for so long ...I am lost....I have tears in my eyes writing this .... Any advice ... appreciated.. Deco...

BetsyEllen

Deco52 wrote: »

I'm married to l a woman who was married before. I only mention this as lately when i think back being in the position I am in ....I can see the light. She got an annulment from the church as ..she wasn't in the mental position to understand the concept of marriage....we have one teenager. We got on well at the start ...nearly 18years ago. Got married abroad ...just us. No celebration when we got back....our decision.
I am just into my 50s. I am no prize catch either.
I was always kinda happy in my own company..used to have a pal or two...but 7/8 years ago they moved ..I never really bothered to try and make more pals. I suffer from a degree of social anxiety. I have let this talk over my life.
We are more like buddies that get on ok ...we are not like husband and wife. We don't really interact socially as a couple ..nor do I want to.
I am lonely. She knocks about a bit around ..she is nice person. I feel disloyal writing this behind her back.i think that we are different in things now that matter as time has gone on...it didn't really seem important before funnily. I like current affairs / news ...she likes ..big brother Facebook and soaps etc. I just feel I will plod along ..from decade to decade ...and the end will arrive ...job done...I have tried getting a bit of advice before professionally ..basically need to " get a life" ...I just am in such a rut I feel so drained for so long ...I am lost....I have tears in my eyes writing this .... Any advice ... appreciated.. Deco...

Can I ask why you have stayed in the relationship for so long when you are so unhappy?
Would you consider separating?

Deco52

That's an interesting question. The honest answer probably is a selfish one but true. I don't want to cause distress she is a nice person. She has been in this position before it's not nice. BUT MORE LIKELY I feel I would miss her and also end up alone in my own. I have difficulty mixing..also a nice kid who would be heartbroken too. I do miss chat..and other things that supposedly go with marriage..I just am .. stuck.. thks for reply

BetsyEllen

Well ultimately you have 2 options here. Well, 3 actually.

1. Leave. Put your own happiness first and try to start a new life that makes you happy.

2. Stay but talk to her about how you're feeling, make a serious effort to change the relationship.

3. Stay but do nothing about the situation, for fear of saying something and upsetting her. Plod along exactly as you are and feel miserable for the rest of your life.

Obviously 3 is a horrible option but unless you are willing to do something about where you are now, it's sadly the option you will end up with.
If you have no motivation to change things (you said you have no interest in going out together) and can't talk to her, then option 2 isn't going to happen.
So then you're left with option 1.

You will only end up sad and lonely if you let yourself. Only you can change your life OP.

Deco52

So right. Thks. Lack of motivation coupled with low self confidence is stronger than any jail cell. Many thks. Food for thought.

BetsyEllen

I know exactly how you feel - I have struggled with depression over the last couple of years, no motivation etc - spent days in bed, no friends.
(Not saying you are suffering from depression by the way)

Last year something clicked in me that no one is going to knock on my door and make it all better - only I could do that.
So I forced myself to start making an effort - just small things, like going out walking when I'm feeling down.
I joined a hiking group and I met another girl who I really clicked with and is now a good friend.

I live alone and whilst it can get extremely lonely, it only affects me badly when I sit there and wallow in it.
I still have bad days but they are much better then they used to be and I gain a little more motivation every day.

If I can do it OP, you can - trust me - there are so many things in this world that can make you happy, but you have to be out there to see them.
Being at home all feeling miserable and stuck in a loveless relationship is no life for anyone. You need to put yourself first for a little while

Deco52

BetsyEllen wrote: »

I know exactly how you feel - I have struggled with depression over the last couple of years, no motivation etc - spent days in bed, no friends.
(Not saying you are suffering from depression by the way)

Last year something clicked in me that no one is going to knock on my door and make it all better - only I could do that.
So I forced myself to start making an effort - just small things, like going out walking when I'm feeling down.
I joined a hiking group and I met another girl who I really clicked with and is now a good friend.

I live alone and whilst it can get extremely lonely, it only affects me badly when I sit there and wallow in it.
I still have bad days but they are much better then they used to be and I gain a little more motivation every day.

If I can do it OP, you can - trust me - there are so many things in this world that can make you happy, but you have to be out there to see them.
Being at home all feeling miserable and stuck in a loveless relationship is no life for anyone. You need to put yourself first for a little while

I think I probably do suffer with a but of depression. It's funny ( not correct word) being around people but still feeling so lonely and alone. I think I am just closing my eyes hoping it will go away .. but slowly coming to the realisation that what you say is correct..it's so so hard to take the first stage .( Even at my old age of 52) when you have been in the doldrums for so long. I'd love to be able to do what you did ..
Thks again for your excellent well thought out advice.
Deco

BetsyEllen

The old age of 52!! Haha - you're still young OP!
It's never too late to make a positive change to your life.

What kind of stuff are you into? I know you have no hobbies now but you must have done in the past.

You mention you have a teenager - if you have a good relationship with them maybe you could take up something together?
A friend of mine plays golf with his teenage son. They love it, they go off together on a Sunday morning and every month or so will plan a day at a golf course they haven't played before.

Golf may not be your thing but it's an example.
There are lots of non physical hobbies - the cinema for example - gigs, sporting events (watching).
Especially if you're thinking along the lines of leaving the family home, doing things with your teenager might be a good idea anyway, to keep the bond strong (or form one if it's not there already).

If you wouldn't mind taking up physical activity, there are LOADS of walking/hiking groups out there (excellent way to make friends as everyone chats the whole way round, mixture of all ages and sexes), you could get involved with your local GAA club to help out coaching the kids, join a running club...

I've no idea of your hobbies, interests, fitness levels or location so all of the above are just ideas.
I'm sure you get the gist of it though!!

Oh and by the way, if you feel you may be depressed, go and see your doctor. They may be able to help you with some mild medication they could help to lift your mood, which may help enormously.

baby and crumble

I'd advise baby steps, OP. Could you maybe take up a new hobby? It's coming up to September, the time of year lots of places start advertising night courses. Pick something random and just give it a bash. I have been doing a pottery class for 2 years now and it's the best thing I ever did. I've made some great friends and created some things I'm really proud of.

If nothing else it'll give you some space away from your wife to allow you to feel like a person in your own right again, which is so important. I think you need to try and work on your self confidence too- you say that you're not " a catch", but obviously your wife thought you were. When you get to that point of feeling like total crap you have to do something to pull yourself out of it.

You should try talking to your wife too. Maybe she feels the same? Encourage her to do something herself, maybe join a class or something. You'll both have something new to talk about with each other.

yermandan

Hi Deco,

You made a fantastic first step in posting here so fair play to you for that.

I can't offer any advice on your situation but would highly recommend finding a local psychotherapist to speak with. You might, through speaking with that kind of a professional, come to some clarity about decisions you need to make and develop some deeper understanding of your life experience to date.

In terms of managing your mental health at the moment, I echo starting small and getting daily exercise, go and have a chat to your GP and be kind to yourself.

Hope this helps.

Best of luck,

Dan

Deco52

BetsyEllen wrote: »

The old age of 52!! Haha - you're still young OP!
It's never too late to make a positive change to your life.

What kind of stuff are you into? I know you have no hobbies now but you must have done in the past.

You mention you have a teenager - if you have a good relationship with them maybe you could take up something together?
A friend of mine plays golf with his teenage son. They love it, they go off together on a Sunday morning and every month or so will plan a day at a golf course they haven't played before.

Golf may not be your thing but it's an example.
There are lots of non physical hobbies - the cinema for example - gigs, sporting events (watching).
Especially if you're thinking along the lines of leaving the family home, doing things with your teenager might be a good idea anyway, to keep the bond strong (or form one if it's not there already).

If you wouldn't mind taking up physical activity, there are LOADS of walking/hiking groups out there (excellent way to make friends as everyone chats the whole way round, mixture of all ages and sexes), you could get involved with your local GAA club to help out coaching the kids, join a running club...

I've no idea of your hobbies, interests, fitness levels or location so all of the above are just ideas.
I'm sure you get the gist of it though!!

Oh and by the way, if you feel you may be depressed, go and see your doctor. They may be able to help you with some mild medication they could help to lift your mood, which may help enormously.

I. Did get small tablet from gp...last year ..dunno if it helps that much...I just seem to go into " limbo" mode ..mood does increase a little...
Funny I do like golf! Really I just cannot get to a point where I WANT to go ...and play ...rather than just going for the sake of doing something ..was never really a sports fan ( surprise surprise/I'm a disaster) ... It got so bad last month I pulled into side of road on way to work and was going to ring Samaritan's just to talk to someone..that never happened before ..not being able to mix successfully is very embarrassing ..for me..I just crawl further under my shell....not healthy...bring in a marriage where there is no real affection or love.. is more distressing than being single....

BetsyEllen

Deco52 wrote: »

I. Did get small tablet from gp...last year ..dunno if it helps that much...I just seem to go into " limbo" mode ..mood does increase a little...
Funny I do like golf! Really I just cannot get to a point where I WANT to go ...and play ...rather than just going for the sake of doing something ..was never really a sports fan ( surprise surprise/I'm a disaster) ... It got so bad last month I pulled into side of road on way to work and was going to ring Samaritan's just to talk to someone..that never happened before ..not being able to mix successfully is very embarrassing ..for me..I just crawl further under my shell....not healthy...bring in a marriage where there is no real affection or love.. is more distressing than being single....

If you include your teenager in your plans to do something though you might feel more inclined to. Everything is more fun with something else.

Would you consider counselling? It's not very cheap (I looked before, most places are around €40 an hour) but even if you just went a couple of times it may help - just to talk about how you're feeling. Getting it all out can help immensely.

I was married before once. And I felt lonely in that marriage, just like you. Being single is better because at least I'm lonely because I'm by myself, if that makes any sense? It was incredibly sad being with someone but still feeling lonely so I do understand you.
I told them how I felt, that I didn't love them anymore, and we parted ways. Life didn't suddenly become wonderful overnight but it's certainly better.

Deco52

BetsyEllen wrote: »

If you include your teenager in your plans to do something though you might feel more inclined to. Everything is more fun with something else.

Would you consider counselling? It's not very cheap (I looked before, most places are around €40 an hour) but even if you just went a couple of times it may help - just to talk about how you're feeling. Getting it all out can help immensely.

I was married before once. And I felt lonely in that marriage, just like you. Being single is better because at least I'm lonely because I'm by myself, if that makes any sense? It was incredibly sad being with someone but still feeling lonely so I do understand you.
I told them how I felt, that I didn't love them anymore, and we parted ways. Life didn't suddenly become wonderful overnight but it's certainly better.

Your a very brave person. I admire your determination and strength.

Deco52

baby and crumble wrote: »

I'd advise baby steps, OP. Could you maybe take up a new hobby? It's coming up to September, the time of year lots of places start advertising night courses. Pick something random and just give it a bash. I have been doing a pottery class for 2 years now and it's the best thing I ever did. I've made some great friends and created some things I'm really proud of.

If nothing else it'll give you some space away from your wife to allow you to feel like a person in your own right again, which is so important. I think you need to try and work on your self confidence too- you say that you're not " a catch", but obviously your wife thought you were. When you get to that point of feeling like total crap you have to do something to pull yourself out of it.

You should try talking to your wife too. Maybe she feels the same? Encourage her to do something herself, maybe join a class or something. You'll both have something new to talk about with each other.

Thank you very much. Indeed I did do classes before I will definitely go again..as you say try anything ..better than sitting at home ..even in the evenings she has her TV in one room I in another .and often now I just get into the spare bed and listen to the radio and drop off to sleep....it's horrible really ...I just don't know ..thks

bobdcow

If it's any help, I once worked with a very wise lady, she told me it takes 9 attempts at something to make a habbit of it - I've held on to that advice, if I'm doing something I don't really like, I'll try it (close to) 9 times before I decide to carry on or leave it behind, so maybe if you tried that with the golf, go 5 or 6 times before you fully decide on doing it if your a bit apprehensive.

It does take time to mingle, a small hello can go a long way at the start, it will take time to mix with a group but the next day add a how are you?, and build up slowly to a person or group at night class, golf course.

A chat with the mrs will go a long way too - I believe 90% of arguments start with the tone of voice not with the actual content of what is being discussed. Have what you want to say written down so you don't leave anything out.

Best of luck