Husband's mother is very sick and abusive

geldings

I recently had a thread a few months ago about my mother in law's abusive treatment of me. It had been going on for two years, gradually intensifying, and when I couldn't take anymore I came here to get advice and without it I could not have managed the situation at all. Thanks to that advice, I finally told my husband that he would have to get it to stop, or that I would have to leave.
So he stood up to her and for the past 2 months she didn't make any nasty comments about me.

However, this woman's evil just got worse. My husband adores her and has always treated her with respect and kindness, more so than even me at times. She told him last week that she was diagnosed with a condition in her brain, a tumour or a growth, and that doctors told her she might only have 6 months to live. She showed him a scan from the mri, and he believes she may have known for longer as it is really quite spread out. He is also now blaming her aggressiveness on this condition.

I don't know if I can fully believe it. She is now separating from her husband of 20 years (not my husband's biological father) and has been living alone in her home country for the past months month. My husband has never shouted at her unless it was after days of abuse of me and when he calls he is calm, kind and loving towards her. She has now started screaming down the phone at him if he calls, and this morning he got a call from his sister to tell him that she emailed everyone in the family with a suicide threat that she would jump off the roof if he calls her again. He is in bits after hearing this and shouted down the phone at his sister for entertaining any of this.. etc.

Thing is I don't know that I can take anymore. It is a miracle we are still together, just through sheer willpower and patience, but I can't lift both our spirits anymore. My own father isn't well and I just recently after this peaked, back when I told him the abuse had to stop , got bells palsy and am worried about the consequences on my own health.

Please tell me if there is anything else I can do. Can she possibly be lying about this condition for attention? If she were to have 6 months really, wouldnt she want to speak to her son every day? I just don't get it. I have tried everything, about to start a new job next week, and can see this whole thing cracking at any time.

Big Bag of Chips

Regardless of whether or not she has a tumour, regardless of whether or not it is contributing to her aggression (and it very well might be) she has asked him to not contact her. So he respects that request and waits for her to contact him. She may or may not die in 6 months time, and he may or may not speak to her again in that time (I'm guessing he will), but if something happens and he hasn't been allowed speak to her, then he will need to address that afterwards himself, with counselling.

I remember your previous thread and the whole family appear very dysfunctional and all have their own problems with the mother. His mother has requested (aggressively) that he not contact her again. He has to respect that request. She may change her mind next week, but he deals with that next week. Why is he shouting at his sister?

You (pl) will never have a rational discussion with the woman. She lives by her own laws, and you fall in or you don't. Trying to make sense of her will get you nowhere. She's either a sick woman with little control over her mind, or she's a down right nasty woman who will always have the upper hand.

Either way, your husband is pretty helpless.

twill

geldings, have you and your husband had marriage counselling? If not, that is what I would advise, and as soon as possible.

leggo

It's not completely out of line, given all that has gone on, that you take a bit of solace if you can that it's possible you won't have to deal with this woman again in a few months. It's not as if you're wishing it on her, you're just under no obligation to be upset by it.

From there it comes down to you being a rock for your husband, and him you. You can't resent him for loving his mother even if you despise her. He stood up for you and showed his loyalty to you when it counted. That's all you need to know when it comes to you vs his mother. That's should be a non-issue now.

So support him when he needs it. Don't make the mother thing about yourself, he needs a partner to get him through a difficult time regardless of your own personal feelings towards this woman. Put yourself aside here and focus on your own family's health troubles instead, support him when needed and I'm sure he'll support you in kind when you do. There's only tension and stress here, for you, if you let there be. You can let go of that now. She's a sick old lady, your husband has taken your side against her, the war is over now and she's lost. But your husband needs you now. When she went against you, he put his feelings aside for her to have your back, now you just need to do the same thing.

beans

For what it's worth, I had Bell's a year ago and it's entirely resolved. Hopefully your experience will be similar and that's one less thing to worry about

December2012

While this is going on it might be good for you to go to a counsellor yourself to deal with all this stress?

You've a lot on your plate and probably need a safe space to vent.

By speaking with somebody and blowing off steam in a place where they aren't going to get invested you can be supportive for your husband, support yourself with your fathers illness, and a place for yourself as you start a new job.