Getting Money From The Ex

LegacyUser

I've been in a relationship with a nutcase for a little over a year. I feel bad saying that but she does have serious mental health issues (bad ex-boyfriends including one who left her holding a baby, who I've a strong connection with, father died, alcoholic parents, diagnosed depression and anxiety but went off meds when we started dating, suicide attempts, used to do drugs but has since stopped, problem drinking on the verge of alcoholism, a lot of bad influences as friends who don't help there, an insane need to have drama, falling out with almost everyone in her life on a regular basis...the list goes on) that have caused massive problems in our relationship and it's the first ever on again off again relationship I've been in. Every one of her serious relationships follows the same pattern but she's unable to see this. I'll admit I'm not perfect myself and she can bring out a crazy in me I didn't know I had (nothing too serious mind - I can be a texter when I get wound up is about the extent of it), but everyone around me goes out of their way to reassure me that my reactions are normal and this girl is bad news.

I knew a lot of this going in and still felt I could be the good influence she needed to make some positive steps, seeing the good side of her personality. And there is one: 90% of our relationship was happy and she gave me something I never had with another girl. But man that 10% is crazier than anything I've ever known and I've had enough.

I'll give you an example of the ****show that my life has become some nights when she gets bad: this week she dumped me on my birthday over text. We went out for a meal and I was telling her about something to do with my mates and wondering if I should say something. She lost the head in the restaurant and stormed off. We calmed down and went to a pub and things were grand, then she decided to take care of this scummy lad who said he was having a bad trip on pills. Nothing in it now she just feels compelled to try 'help' every sob story that comes her way. He ends up asking about my relationship with her kid and if I 'looked after him'. I didn't wanna talk to him about personal stuff tbh, but if I'd have said that there would've been confrontation, so I just said yeah and shrugged him off. She looked at me strange and I shook my head trying to say 'just go with it', thinking she'd pick up the social queue. We left to go back to mine and she started having a go at me in the taxi, saying how I'm not her kids father, we'll never be a family and really personal digs, something she'll do when she wants drama. I tried not to react but then the taxi driver started shouting at me too for directions (I think he's the type who freaks out when people argue, but this wasn't even a shouty argument, just a bit awkward) and then he pulled over and told us to get out. I told him I wasn't paying if he was refusing a fare and got out to take a breath and try get control of the situation. Then she was still in the taxi two minutes later (she's locked now) so I went back over and asked what was going on. She told me he was making her pay. I told him again the situation and he started shouting again so I took €10 out of my wallet, threw it at him and she got out.

When she got out she then started yelling at me in the street for 'attacking' the taxi driver! I told her to give me a minute to keep calm, trying to be the rational more sober one, but she kept yelling so I said 'go home if you have to, just give me a second of peace to think here please, it's my birthday like!' She said 'you want me to go home? Fine', took out the aftershave she'd got me for the day (**** present btw) and threw it at me along with my card. I had to put my leg up to block it (oh yeah, another thing she's started doing lately is hitting me when she gets drunk. She still insists there's no problem there). She stormed off. I got a second to calm down, picked up the gifts and went after her. This was a dangerous area for her to be walking around alone, we had plans with my parents for dinner the next day (she already has an icy relationship with them having let them down before) and I knew if she stormed off I wouldn't hear from her for days and she'd regret the consequences. So I ran after her and begged her to come back. She stone-walled me. I was still calm now, but I said 'what is it you want? Do you want drama? You threw down my gifts will I throw them down and you'll be happy? Look I did! There!' Now I was doing this mockingly but then a Garda riot van - I'm not even messing - pulls up and six thugs get out and start questioning me. To be fair they were doing their job and if she was my sister it's what I'd want given what they saw, even if it was out of context, but long story short they quickly saw it for what it was and went off.

The next day she texted me saying it was over, she was afraid of me and I was an abusive knacker. We've done this routine before, 'abuse victim' is a favourite game of hers, even my flatmates have heard her do this over nothing (the closest I've come to any physicality with her, btw, is once taking an earphone out of her ears to say something to her, and she cowered like I'd stabbed her. She's assaulted me multiple times on the other hand). What happens is she'll get uppity, fail to realise that she had any responsibility in the situation, block me off everything, tell her family the exaggerated to the point of delusion version (most of whom now know the score with her, but some still naturally get wary of me and it damages things for a while until they see me and see the situation for what it is and encourage me to keep trying with her), then miss me (usually something dramatic will happen here where she's in 'danger' and needs me or something like that) and beg for forgiveness. We've done this exact routine at least 3 times now in a year. She was on her last chance after I forgave her last time. This is it.

I guess I just needed a vent there, but the TLDR version is this is about as toxic a relationship as you'll find that hasn't seen the inside of a courtroom and I know that there's no saving it now. For all the improvements she's made over the past year (and the improvements I've made myself in learning to deal with her ways), this kind of experience isn't irregular. I didn't want to go back the last time, even going as far as to make a list of reasons for her why we didn't work to prove it, but she took that as a goal and did make some genuine improvements before this happened and it's all gone to **** again. I've tried everything. I've tried loving the person and hating the illness. I've tried letting the drama go in one ear and out the other, standing up for myself and not letting her get away with it, all avenues have been exhausted at this stage. I love who she can be on her best day, but I've also accepted that while the craziness may be due to her mental health issues, she's making a decision to ignore the massive warning signs. I'll miss her son and the potential family we could've been but having me around isn't changing her and thus not helping him, so I can walk away.

Here are my problems:

1) I feel like I'm still being abused, being shut out and not knowing what lies are being spread about me. One of her sisters was a big champion of mine, she'd fight my corner anytime drama flared up, and even said to me many times to keep trying with her because she loved me, even though she knew she was difficult. We're friends on Facebook. Should I reach out and tell her the truth or is that too crazy? I don't want it going around that I'm some kind of abuser, but I know what this girl is like and some people will take her seriously. I've even been tempted to post stuff like this post on Facebook so people can at least see the real story. I don't want her back, but I hate how she can shut me out then spread what she likes about me and I don't even know what she's imagining I did, and therefore saying to others, now that I'm blocked.

2) We booked two holidays, one in 13 days. I know that sounds mental but they're holidays with my family (one a wedding) that I would be and still am going on anyway and they were booked during a 3-4 month period of calmness. Actually right after we booked them she flared up with the crazy again, she later admitted she freaked out at this. When we booked them she was out of work (she has a job now) so we agreed that I'd cover flights for one and the deposit for the other (which is in Ireland), she'd go 50-50 on one and pay for the accommodation for the other. I asked what'd happen if we broke up and she said she'd still pay her way. Tbh I wouldn't have accepted full whack anyway if it had been on amicable terms and dealt with maturely but...

Because things were going well for weeks, it looked like we'd actually go on these trips so I planned accordingly. Now of course they aren't happening so I'm pretty much ****ed because I can't cancel the one in 13 days on short notice and was relying on her 50%, and the other is an overseas wedding of a close family member and expensive enough so can't cancel that but the accommodation (which she promised to pay for) and everything else will cost me a bomb. She owes me the guts of €1000, not even counting the stuff I'd already agreed to pay for. I brought this up over email (the only way I can contact her now) and she agreed to cover the half of her flights but nothing else. I even gave her a cut rate (about half) which she could pay me that'd at least be support for the trip, which I felt was fair, since the break up is all her decision. She said I was harassing her and threatened to call the Gardai (ugh), so I said I'd give her a few days and get back to her. Now she's just blanking me and not even talking about the stuff she agreed to pay for AFTER the break-up.

What are my options here? Given it's a sizeable chunk of cash and I can prove everything she agreed to because I made sure I confirmed it in writing over text (the one bit of thinking ahead I did), can I take it to the small claims court? I don't think that would get far tbh. In my craziest moments, I even think of bad personal info she told me and thought about blackmailing her but I wouldn't stoop to her level, but that's how desperate I am at this stage because I simply can't afford this all. I'm trying to be nice to her in interactions to inspire empathy but it's just fallen on deaf ears. Could I go to her family? Or do I just have to bite the bullet and get a loan off the folks or credit union and be done with it?

Apologies for the length. As you can see it's been a stressful time and I need a vent, as well as some sage advice from fresh eyes.

ibarelycare

It's a lot of money but I really think for the sake of cutting this toxic girl out of your life completely, it's a small price to pay. Get a loan from the credit union, it's not a massive loan and you can have it paid back easily within 6/12 months.

Most importantly, block your ex from contacting you - email, viber, whatsapp, phone number, FB, the works. Don't feed into any of her drama. The people who know you won't believe any lies she's spreading. Don't contact her sister either, just keep your head down and try and block it all out and focus on yourself. And enjoy your holidays, how nice will it be that you can go away and relax and not have to worry about her kicking off!

Well done for getting away from an abusive relationship. I know the fallout is difficult right now, but you'll look back in time and know that this is the best decision you ever made.

daisybelle2008

Don't contact her sister, if as you claim you don't like drama. For someone who doesn't like drama I'm seeing a lot of drama chasing her for money (and you are even considering blackmailing her). Forget about the money for now, get a loan whatever and maybe she will or won't stump up. But I'd consider it a victory if you really want no more drama.

Btw, that reaction to the taxi driver was out of order, your discription of it as 'just a bit awkward' and you remaining calm doesn't add up.

Ye are clearly not suited and bring out the worst. Don't rake it up over some money, if you want to output it behind you and have no more drama it is actually a small material price to pay.

suicide_circus

I'd pay a grand to get that woman out of my life, serious I'd cut my losses she sounds utterly appalling.

BettePorter

You sound like you're as bad as each other to be honest. Just take the hit on the loan and stay the hell away from each other.

Sapphire

I think you'd be in for a whole world of woe if you chased her for the money. I'd much prefer my brother to take a loan off me rather than have the Gardai at his door sent by a vindictive ex so she can dodge giving him what he's owed. She's given you the heads up that she'll accuse you of harassment if you go near her, so stay away.

Being shafted stinks. I've been where you are now and while it was pure poverty for a while (I was homeless for a couple of months and couch surfing in order to build up a rental deposit) but I'm so glad I took the financial hit and just walked away. I think it surprised my ex because they thought it would be a hook to keep me engaged in their dramas.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Don't contact her sister, if as you claim you don't like drama. For someone who doesn't like drama I'm seeing a lot of drama chasing her for money (and you are even considering blackmailing her). Forget about the money for now, get a loan whatever and maybe she will or won't stump up. But I'd consider it a victory if you really want no more drama.

Btw, that reaction to the taxi driver was out of order, your discription of it as 'just a bit awkward' and you remaining calm doesn't add up.

Ye are clearly not suited and bring out the worst. Don't rake it up over some money, if you want to output it behind you and have no more drama it is actually a small material price to pay.

I'm not really considering blackmailing her, what I said was it was a sign of how mental the situation has become that it came into my head and I gave it thought before thinking better of it. These are the kinda things I've become used to that I've never had to deal with beforehand. Tbh I'd leave the money altogether if it didn't leave me massively stuck, like I've no idea how I'm going to pay rent next month if I don't get a loan on time whereas I had it all budgeted for. Trust me I've left plenty of money on the table for this relationship already. It's not about trying to get one over. If I'd have known a couple months I probably could've put some money aside just in case or cancelled/changed stuff, but it's too late now.

In terms of the taxi driver, what it struck me as was that, do you know people who's parents argue when they're younger or whatever, and as a result they freak out if anyone is even disagreeing in their company and end up making a bigger deal of it than it was to begin with? Like the ex wasn't yelling at me, it wasn't a mental situation until he escalated it, she was just nagging at me with harsh digs and I was trying to absorb them and calm her down. In hindsight I should've just absorbed and absorbed until we got home, but everyone has their breaking points. And all I said in response to her was 'You know if we moved in together we'd be a family of sorts? And if we had kids they'd be (her kid's) brothers and sisters? So I'm not not involved either, but I'm not trying to be his father or need a title to solidify whatever our relationship is at all.' I think that's a fair, rational response but I wasn't in a fair, rational situation. She shouted back 'You're not his family and you'll never be his family!' Then she starts talking about his birth father (who's not involved at all and hasn't been for 4 years), which was a bit of a slap in the face but so ridiculous and OTT that I just rolled my eyes. Then in my other ear I was trying to give him directions and he started ignoring my directions and taking wrong turns. So in the moment I was wary was he deliberately trying to rip us off while trying to calm her down. This is all happening at the same time.

After he missed one clear turn I'd said three times, he pulled over (in the middle of a dangerous area btw) and told us to get out. I said fine and told him if he was refusing a fare we had no obligation to pay, then when I left he started badgering her to pay (seeing she was drunk I'm guessing). I shouldn't have thrown the money but I didn't throw it at him, I threw it in the door and walked off. I absolutely could've handled it better, but I don't see how I'm to blame here when my girlfriend is yelling at me in one ear and the taxi driver isn't listening to straightforward left and right directions. All I was trying to do was get home and salvage what was left of my birthday night out. If she'd have kept her **** together and he'd have just gone where he was told, that's all that would've happened.

LegacyUser

BettePorter wrote: »

You sound like you're as bad as each other to be honest. Just take the hit on the loan and stay the hell away from each other.

Please feel free to tell me how I'm as bad. I don't mean that in a confrontational way, I'd love to know for future reference so I at least have some productive lessons from this relationship. I mean, I've had crazy thoughts as to how to deal with crazy situations I never saw myself being involved in, but I never act on them. I'm asking friends to be honest and criticise what I've done but most who've been around us and seen/heard how she can carry on say I've the patience of a saint with her, am 'too soft' with her and have a blind spot where I'll forgive anything because I've a high tolerance for mental health.

Right now the only lessons I have from this relationship are:

- Don't date single mothers. They ask a lot of you and you don't get thanks for the extra % that you've to give.
- Don't date people who have mental health issues and aren't getting them treated (even though when she told me about these she was on meds and stopped taking them shortly afterwards, unbeknownst to me for a few months).

And neither are fair I feel. Everyone has their baggage and issues from their past and I don't feel this woman is indicative of all single mothers. I know from this I can work well within the single mother dynamic and I'd like to think that I can see past someone's issues to the person within. But how else do I avoid a situation like this in future? By all means blame me for my part here with specifics.

Like right now I'm trying to balance walking away with as few scars as possible, learn what I can from it, being able to pay rent and for these holidays, and not having my reputation dragged through the mud with outright lies.

GingerLily

You don't come across very well in your post, you sound very controlling and aggressive. Give this girl some space because right now it appears you're using the debt to control her again.

LegacyUser

GingerLily wrote: »

You don't come across very well in your post, you sound very controlling and aggressive. Give this girl some space because right now it appears you're using the debt to control her again.

I don't understand this. If I'm in a shop and they don't give me change after making a purchase, I'm not trying to control the sales assistant by asking to see a manager. I want the money that he rightfully owes me. The goal here is to get even some of the money she committed to and committed to in the event of a break-up...then I'm done and she can have a lifetime of space. If I wasn't put in a difficult financial situation I'd write it off, and have done similar stuff with her before, either to try move on from her or to make things better. When she got wound up and started deflecting with the harassment threats, I gave her a few days space.

And as for being aggressive: she hits me semi-regularly. She threw my gifts at me. I've never laid a finger on her and try not to even shout. The only time I'd raise my voice is because she'd shout me down in the event of any disagreement (even if it was 'what takeaway will we order from?') and I'd literally have to up the volume to be heard. I have my breaking points and get angry like everyone does, but even then I manage them (hence me walking away from her in the heat of the moment outside of the taxi and pleading for a minute of space).

I just don't see how she can be the victim here in a situation she's completely orchestrated. If she didn't yell at me about a situation involving my friends I was discussing, no argument. If she kept it together in the taxi or believed me when I told her I was just trying to shut the drugged up guy up, no argument. If she didn't try continue the argument, throw my presents at me with intent to harm and storm off, no argument. I went out that night to have a nice night for my birthday after a long week in work. She went out of her way that night to create drama and even physical altercations. That's my fault?! Where's the accountability on her part?

So it's okay for a woman to treat a man as they like but he's out of line for having any kind of reaction or feelings about that? Is that not reverse sexism at its finest?

Dixie Chick

Hi OP

Would I be right in saying that these holidays are 1) with your family and 2) another family wedding on your side?

I think you are lucky, you have no ties to her. No mortgage, no kids, no marriage. So when I look at this I just see that you owe money for holidays and that is it. if she is a single mother and you did care for her, then be the bigger person and just walk away now, get a loan off bit by bit and forget the relationship as soon as you can. Try work out with other people travelling can you bunk in with them and save yourself the accom cost at least

pc7

Good lord I don't know how you stuck it for a year even with 90% good times. Take the hit on the money, block her on all forms (sister included), thank your lucky stars you've managed to escape. Also I'd be very worried for the child you mentioned, if she is so unpredictable around drink/drugs I'd seriously consider escalating this to Tulsa if you feel the child is at risk.

LegacyUser

pc7 wrote: »

Good lord I don't know how you stuck it for a year even with 90% good times. Take the hit on the money, block her on all forms (sister included), thank your lucky stars you've managed to escape. Also I'd be very worried for the child you mentioned, if she is so unpredictable around drink/drugs I'd seriously consider escalating this to Tulsa if you feel the child is at risk.

It's something I've considered. In her defence, there's never been any situations where I've seen the child in any danger or anything. She's not the best mother truth be told, which is odd considering she is actually great with other people's kids but I think there's some deep psychological stuff going on there like resentment for what happened with the birth father or the kid taking away her youth, I don't know it's not something I'd push really because it's like pushing a detonator. Her days off tend to be about her more often than not and the kid will end up in the pub trying to occupy himself. She hardly sees him lately with working long hours but will still leave him with her mother while she goes out on the lash. So some weeks it's like he has no parents with the dad gone and her just completely absent. Some days even when she is around she'll just leave him alone to watch TV and play on his own completely ignored. I'd get there, and I'd have infinite time for him, and he'd just be wired looking for attention.

When we'd be going strong this would tend to not be the case as I'd try do days out with all of us, and this is the life I wanted and fought for and the reason I'd keep going back, but then she'd flip and push me away and go back to this normal. One of the things on my list was that if we had kids I wouldn't want them around some of the people she has her own kid around. She's had him around serious alcoholics, jailbirds, drug users and other vagrants. And it was so weird because she doesn't come from that background at all, she has relatives who are Gardai sure! Again, though, no damage just warning signs that something could go wrong in the future, so not my business unless we actually had children (thank god we didn't - after I came back the last time I was reluctant to even have sex because this was becoming a fear of mine). But, in life in general and with her, ignoring these warning signs tend to come back to bite you and they came back to bite us in the relationship. I hope they don't with the kid. He's a great kid and deserves a happy life.

I think I'll have to take the hit with the money. I sent her an email yesterday before I wrote the post saying that I was just trying to reach an amicable solution and was willing to meet her mam or a family member to collect it off her but no reply. I'll leave it there. But I know the routine, she'll get back in touch in danger soon enough and need me. I'll bite in worry there's a genuine concern, hold out for as long as I can, then she'll eventually twist my arm into hearing her out, promise wholesale change, and we'll be fine for a couple months until she goes off again. I just need to delete all avenues she could do so with.

Should I delete all her family off Facebook? I feel bad doing so, at least right now, because we did genuinely get along (which kind of shows you how much stock they put in her claims I abused her) and in particular I'd feel bad deleting her nephew who's a shy kid in school and I made a lot of time for. I'd hate him to think that was false or anything, he's just a teenager he doesn't understand this stuff and she'd spin it as if I'm evil and hated him regardless of his feelings.

GingerLily

A taxi driver and an armed garda van both were witnesses to your aggression, it doesn't have to be physical.

Why did you follow her? She tried to get away from you, why did you keep following her? Because you "knew what was best" for her? How incredibly controlling.

She's right you are harassing her, it's not about the money.

gandalf

Tbh you need to cut this person out of your life and if its only costing you some money be thankful. Get a loan to cover the cash shortfall and under no circumstances get in contact with her or return any approaches from her. With regards to her family I'd suggest it would be better to cut contact with them also but you can decide what to do on a person by person basis.

LegacyUser

GingerLily wrote: »

A taxi driver and an armed garda van both were witnesses to your aggression, it doesn't have to be physical.

Why did you follow her? She tried to get away from you, why did you keep following her? Because you "knew what was best" for her? How incredibly controlling.

She's right you are harassing her, it's not about the money.

Why are you acting as if you were there? The taxi driver began ignoring directions, taking wrong turns and became aggressive himself when he was called on it. The Gardai stopped a couple arguing, got out for a second to see what the problem was, threw around some bully boy tactics (my good friend is a Garda and read the situation as 'they were probably bored and were looking to provoke you so they could kick lumps out of you in the van') then quickly deduced there was nothing there. Had there been any concern for her safety they would have taken me in. There was none. Couples argue sometimes.

I followed her because she was walking alone on one of the most dangerous streets in Dublin and tends to feel bulletproof when she is drunk when she is not capable of defending herself in the slightest. It also made sense because the last time she let down my parents (when she invited them for dinner at Easter then cancelled the night before in a huff - it later transpired one of her friends asked her to go out drinking) she was devastated when she bumped into them and it was a bit awkward because my parents had soured on her when they started to see how she treated me. Fwiw, unlike her I kept all of our drama away from my parents, conscious that I wanted her to make a positive impression, but there was only so many times I could lie to them on her behalf before they put two and two together. My hope was to convince her to come back to the apartment, she could have the bed and I'd sleep on my couch, then in the morning we'd be fine and it'd be forgotten about like all of her tantrums are. I pleaded with her, but at no stage did I try force that upon her. I probably would've got and paid for a taxi for her in the end.

It's not uncommon for people to contact others when they're owed money. It's not uncommon for someone who's unwilling to pay a debt to go missing or come up with excuses when it comes to paying that debt. It's not harassment to contact someone asking them to pay money they've committed to.

And yes, it is about the money. I broke up with this girl months ago and took her back after she promised she would work on the stuff that led to us not working, as did I. I wasn't happy that she was doing so, a day still hadn't gone by in our entire relationship where she hadn't drank (not ONE - and I had my own issues with drink a few years back so being around an alcoholic isn't good for me), yet I was willing to give her until the holidays passed and saw how things were then. So when she pulled another wobbler, I wasn't that upset even, she'd just shown she was incapable of controlling her issues yet again. I was ready for it to end anyway. From there it quickly became about cutting all ties from her and starting a fresh chapter in my life. The holidays and the money are the last ties I have to her. The quicker I get that sorted, and now I'm trying to figure out a solution for her not paying, the quicker I can move on. I have her blocked on every form of modern communication known to man.

Are those the actions of someone determined to control someone? Or do you perhaps have hang-ups about controlling men that you're unfairly projecting onto me with your advice? Because it's not something that anyone else, here or in my own life, has suggested.

Why are you removing all accountability from this girl? Is it okay when she hits me? Is it okay when she yells at me and says horrible personal things over nothing? Is it okay for her to get drunk, argumentative and aggressive? Is it okay for her to throw stuff at me with intent to harm? Is it fair to go against medical advice and subject people who love you to the whims of your mental health issues? She has a large family and has fallen out with all but one of them in the 14 months we've known each other...was she right in every one of those arguments or given the massive balance of evidence is it possible to conclude that she might just be a difficult person? Why is all of that acceptable behaviour but when I have feelings of my own based on issues she's bringing to the table, I'm the bad guy? I'm supposed to just absorb her abuse and all of its unpredictability and never react or disagree? Just take the punches she, literally, gives out.

Put simply, if a man went around getting drunk constantly, hitting his partner and being abusive over nothing and you suggested it was the partner's fault, you'd be slated. If the partner reacted then her reaction would be excused as the actions of someone in an extremely stressful situation. But I'm a man and she's a woman, so I'm automatically the bad guy. My only crime here is not allowing myself to be bullied by someone looking to push their misery on the rest of the world. Thanks for your help.

Big Bag of Chips

GingerLily wrote: »

Why did you follow her? She tried to get away from you, why did you keep following her? Because you "knew what was best" for her? How incredibly controlling.

She's right you are harassing her, it's not about the money.

Did you never have a row with a bf/gf on a night out where they stormed off and you went after them? It's fairly common! And I wouldn't say anyone (except crazy drama seeking 'victims') would call it harassment.

OP, block her on everything. Everything. You don't need to block her family, yet, but you can start bit by bit unfriending them. Believe it or not they probably won't notice. And by the time they do, you'll be that long gone from their lives that they won't think anything of it. They'd probably even expect it.

You've said yourself, you know what's going to happen. You've already been through the cycle a few times. It's up to you to break it. But I have a feeling you won't. Even though she sounds like a nightmare, there's still a hint of affection for her from your posts. I think you've taken her on as a pet project, and think you can fix her. You can't. If you could she'd be fixed by now. She's not. Nor, does it seem, has she much interest in being fixed.

You can be as supportive and loving and loyal and helpful as you like, but all you're really doing is enabling/encouraging her to keep going as she is. You can't help her, and some might say by playing your part in keeping the cycle going, you are actually contributing to the never ending cycle of destruction that she is going through.

Block her. You know she's going to contact you, so prepare yourself for it. Don't answer your phone to her. If she calls from a different number, just hang up. No excuses, no apologies, no explanation. You're not good together. You're not going to be good together. So there's nothing you or she can say to suddenly make this good. It's a bad relationship. It pushes you to your limit and turns you into someone you wouldn't usually be (in a bad way!) You can't save her. She doesn't want to be saved.

Just for the record, I know somebody who "every job/relationship she was ever in she was abused, sexually assaulted, people made passes at her, fella's wouldn't take no for an answer.... Etc etc etc." None of it happened. None. The girl is nuts. She asked her brother for a loan of money one time and when he didn't give it to her, she told him she would tell people he abused her as a child.... And she did. The guards were involved! She downright lied. Laughed in her brother's face about it. When her parents tried to get her to see sense, she told them to back off or she would say her father had abused her too. The girl is nuts. Absolutely nuts.... And very very dangerous. Her own family have had to cut themselves off from her.

If parents, and siblings can cut themselves off from flesh and blood and realise it was the only thing they could do for their own protection, then surely you can do it for an ex. She has plenty of people around her, from what you say. Let her lean on one of them for a change. Otherwise I'll give you 3 months to be back here again!

Pawwed Rig

GingerLily wrote: »

A taxi driver and an armed garda van both were witnesses to your aggression, it doesn't have to be physical.

I would ignore this poster OP. There are a certain subsection of people that blame victims in every case.
Get her out of your life. She is not healthy. Reminds me of an ex actually.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Did you never have a row with a bf/gf on a night out where they stormed off and you went after them? It's fairly common! And I wouldn't say anyone (except crazy drama seeking 'victims') would call it harassment.

OP, block her on everything. Everything. You don't need to block her family, yet, but you can start bit by bit unfriending them. Believe it or not they probably won't notice. And by the time they do, you'll be that long gone from their lives that they won't think anything of it. They'd probably even expect it.

You've said yourself, you know what's going to happen. You've already been through the cycle a few times. It's up to you to break it. But I have a feeling you won't. Even though she sounds like a nightmare, there's still a hint of affection for her from your posts. I think you've taken her on as a pet project, and think you can fix her. You can't. If you could she'd be fixed by now. She's not. Nor, does it seem, has she much interest in being fixed.

You can be as supportive and loving and loyal and helpful as you like, but all you're really doing is enabling/encouraging her to keep going as she is. You can't help her, and some might say by playing your part in keeping the cycle going, you are actually contributing to the never ending cycle of destruction that she is going through.

Block her. You know she's going to contact you, so prepare yourself for it. Don't answer your phone to her. If she calls from a different number, just hang up. No excuses, no apologies, no explanation. You're not good together. You're not going to be good together. So there's nothing you or she can say to suddenly make this good. It's a bad relationship. It pushes you to your limit and turns you into someone you wouldn't usually be (in a bad way!) You can't save her. She doesn't want to be saved.

Just for the record, I know somebody who "every job/relationship she was ever in she was abused, sexually assaulted, people made passes at her, fella's wouldn't take no for an answer.... Etc etc etc." None of it happened. None. The girl is nuts. She asked her brother for a loan of money one time and when he didn't give it to her, she told him she would tell people he abused her as a child.... And she did. The guards were involved! She downright lied. Laughed in her brother's face about it. When her parents tried to get her to see sense, she told them to back off or she would say her father had abused her too. The girl is nuts. Absolutely nuts.... And very very dangerous. Her own family have had to cut themselves off from her.

If parents, and siblings can cut themselves off from flesh and blood and realise it was the only thing they could do for their own protection, then surely you can do it for an ex. She has plenty of people around her, from what you say. Let her lean on one of them for a change. Otherwise I'll give you 3 months to be back here again!

A lot of what you say hits home. When I was younger I was a fixer. I used to think I could help and change people with words but only made my life more stressful. I got away from that and vowed to never be anyone's counsellor again. And to be fair I wasn't for this one. I made a point of not trying to diagnose her but I'd highlight where there was a problem and tell her to fix it herself. It's weird because with her it was like Jekyl and Hyde. She could be perfect and then she'd just become another person with the click of a finger. That's where the affection you're picking up on comes from I think. And when she'd come back I'd see her in her Hyde state as the girl I loved and it'd be that way for three weeks, until one night Jekyl would come out and burn it all down. And when I put it that way I can see how I talked myself back into it time and again. But the truth is it wasn't better. First she alienated all my friends, then my family, then she burned bridges with me and her friends, then she made it impossible to go out and drink together and do dates, then the sex life started to become an issue, she was burning it all down. And that's before I even get to the really crazy stuff that I just pretended to myself didn't happen, like when we were broke up and drunk and she tried to get me to have unprotected sex and finish inside her. Ugh. I shudder at myself during these moments of clarity for being so stupid.

The lies you speak about are also something that hits home. Everything with her since day one has been so dramatic. Her brother attacked and sexually abused all of her family, then was murdered, then came back from the dead (not even messing). Her ex used to rape her nightly, but other times was a sweetheart. This guy would be a coke addict, then I'd mention him doing coke the next day and she'd flip about how he'd never touched it. She'd tell stories to other people that I was there for and the way she'd tell them just wouldn't be true at all. She had one friend who would be my lifeline and saw her how I saw her, positives and negatives, and she'd be my reassurance that she was just a bit dramatic and a bit of a bull****ter but it wasn't too serious. I just don't think she knew the scale of how bad she was.

I've purged her from my phone anyway. She can't get back in touch through any medium. Also flirting with the idea of counselling, not because I'm particularly distraught but just to clear my head and find some direction to move forward. Time to invest my time into something that'll be appreciated.

Taltos

Mod note
Less of the victim blaming here all. The OP has come for some constructive advice and if all you are going to do is call them names or issue blame then please don't post. Remember our key tenet is constructive advice and to keep it civil.

desertcircus

Whatever about assigning blame, if you want your life to improve then you need to stop dealing with this person. Completely. Trying to get a refund on money you've spent isn't worth it: just treat it as a sudden but unavoidable expense, and if it's an option look into borrowing over a short term to take the pressure off yourself. Delete contact details for everyone in her family: they're no longer a part of your life. If she tries to get in touch, disregard it, even if she says it's to return the money.

BettePorter

I think you're probably a decent rational guy day to day. You certainly write well. But you're telling YOUR side of the story so I'm sure you ll admit you're probably being righteous about how you were behaving versus her or the taxi driver. We all do when relaying a story. But YOU wrote the post yet you still come off badly in it ...... and thats only your side! Imagine what you left out / misinterpreted .

I'm thinking that with drink you and her are oil and water ...... certainly your theory on the guards intentions belies how you come across in how you write. That's like something a scumbag would say and I'm guessing you re far from that.

Shes obviously toxic for you and vice versa ..... so cut your losses and run.

daisybelle2008

WheresMyMoney wrote: »

I have her blocked on every form of modern communication known to man.


Why are you removing all accountability from this girl?

Would recommend you stop emailing her, go through small claims court if you only want to pursue the money and avoid her.

I think you have to forget about her accountability now, you can only be accountable for yourself now you are split up. You can only control your own actions and reactions in this world so going forward work on setting better relationship standards for yourself and the kind of partner you chose in future, and don't ignore your doubts.

Only stay in healthy, happy functional relationships or be healthy happy and single, that's a choice you can make in future and she or anyone else can't change that power you have.

Flippyfloppy

Your ex sounds like she loves hurting you, so I'd bet my bottom dollar that she fully intends on hanging you out to dry with the holiday expenses, and that's possibly her main motivation for staging this break up now, right before your holiday.

if I were you I'd say nothing, take the hit, maybe call the hotels and see if you can switch rooms/see can you share with someone else etc. Otherwise, pay for it, don't even let her know it annoyed you, and be aware she probably will 'need' you back the night before your holiday/after your holiday.

If so, stay firm and do not go back, even for a chat. I'd wager this relationship is making you become someone you don't want to be. Try to stay alone for a good while, focus on yourself and repairing yourself, then figure out what it is you'd like in a partner, and try to leave 'fixing/helping' to the professionals.

Best of luck...

LegacyUser

To be fair all points are dead on regarding her bringing out a side in me I dislike and it being best to just leave it. I've tried to give as honest account as I can though I guess we all have an intrinsic bias when we tell stories. But generally I don't mind being told where I'm wrong because at least I can learn from it.

The story with the guards was that they saw us arguing. I've talked to a mate of mine who's a guard and he's read between the lines. His reading of it was 'they saw you arguing, given where it was assumed you were two scumbags, jumped you and were heavy-handed in the hope of provoking you because it was probably a quiet night, and if you'd have reacted they'd have put you in the van, given you a few digs then given you two charge sheets. But they saw you weren't so they bailed.' I'm not anti-garda by any means but these guys were way too heavy handed. They found my birthday card from her and threw it onto the street, started taking my credit cards and stuff out and throwing it in my face, just being dicks. To the point that even in her rage the ex was defending me and telling them to stop and it wasn't like that. Of course the next day she changed her tune and was all about the heroic guards who saved her from the maniac, i.e. me.

Anyway if the small claims court is an option I'd still be interesting in trying to recoup the money. Has anyone any idea if that handles disputes like this? Usually I'd say no but when it's nearly €1000 and I can prove she committed to it surely I'd have somewhat of a claim? I wouldn't even mind if they tried to just mediate and came to a middle ground agreement, I offered to write it off with her at €480 (the price of one trip) which would take me out of financial stress at least.

orthsquel

WheresMyMoney wrote: »

Also flirting with the idea of counselling, not because I'm particularly distraught but just to clear my head and find some direction to move forward. Time to invest my time into something that'll be appreciated.

OP I think actually you could really benefit from counselling and getting your head clear so that in the future you can make better choices in partners. There's a good few articles I've read recently re toxic people and empathic Vs manipulators from various sites that I'm sure google will give you.

Bottom line I think regardless of the ins and outs - you need to completely get this person out of your life. So I don't think going to get the money back is going to be a positive thing for you - it will be a means for her to fuel drama in the future. Money can be earned again, it can even be borrowed, why give any opportunity to have this person in your life again just over some valued paper? I think your well being is worth more than that!

daisybelle2008

WheresMyMoney wrote: »

Anyway if the small claims court is an option I'd still be interesting in trying to recoup the money. Has anyone any idea if that handles disputes like this? Usually I'd say no but when it's nearly €1000 and I can prove she committed to it surely I'd have somewhat of a claim? I wouldn't even mind if they tried to just mediate and came to a middle ground agreement, I offered to write it off with her at €480 (the price of one trip) which would take me out of financial stress at least.

No idea if its an option. It's the kind of thing I've only seen on Judge Judy/Rinder

There is a legal discussion forum on boards you might get advise there. Heres a link to it...

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=633

njs030

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

No idea if its an option. It's the kind of thing I've only seen on Judge Judy/Rinder

There is a legal discussion forum on boards you might get advise there. Heres a link to it...

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=633

No it's for consumer and business claims. This type of thing would be handled through private solicitors and the fees would cost more than the amount owed.

I'd write it off....the best money you could ever spend to be rid of her op.

LegacyUser

I love the support you get from family when something bad like this happens. I called my mam to try figure out the technical aspects of the holidays and see what could be done. As far as I was concerned the first holiday was the problem as it was too close to sort out alternative arrangements or cancel, turns out there's space in the place my parents are staying in and we looked it up and it still is okay to cancel my place with a week's notice and all I lose is my deposit (like €40). So I get to do the trip and not pay a penny basically. I'll be grand for the second holiday with that bit of relief.

I started kicking myself up the arse to stop moping around last night. The gym was one place that has gotten the squeeze as I'm pretty busy juggling two jobs and fitted the relationship, family and friends into the tiny amount of free time I had. So I've rejoined that as a way to fill up any quiet moments and start turning a negative into a positive. I'm looking forward not back now. I'll be busy and ready for a fresh start. The next few weeks are going to be so crazy I wouldn't even have time to see her anyway, so it's not as if she'll catch me during a quiet, lonely period like she did last time and twist my arm into coming back. I feel happy, the type of relieved happiness you feel when a break-up is right. She's gone too far now. It's past the stage where an apology will fix things. Her promises of change have no credibility now she's messed up the one more chance I gave her. While in her 'one more chance' she reverted to type, verbally rubbished every bit of good work I put into her and her son to make it work, dumped me over text on my birthday and blanked me when she owed money risking leaving me in a financial mess. There's no forgiving, forgetting or coming back from that. I don't even miss the good times because even in my mind now they were just setting up for the fall that'd eventually, and always, end up coming. She's confirmed this now with this latest outburst after her last guarantee of change. There's a darkness over the happy memories even. They're not happy, they're foreboding.

Counselling is still an option when the holidays have passed and I have a bit of time and money. I want to figure out why I kept going back even when I was happy being alone and she'd beg me. Why did I feel obligated towards her even after she'd treat me like crap and I'd go back to that constant feeling of tension (that was never relieved through happiness and only ever through explosive drama)? Why did I never catch myself and think I deserved better, like it was my duty to take the blows of this woman in a constant effort to one day working towards making it better (when I'd clearly no evidence that was ever going to happen)? Why did I have other, more promising offers on the table both before and during break-ups in the relationship and still go back to this? I need to figure that stuff out before I get in a new relationship so it doesn't happen again.

Anyway that's all for the future. I want to thank all those who stopped by and gave advice. As good as they'd be and as willing as they would be to listen, I felt sick of saying the same problems to the same friends and getting told the same thing, even though I did need to talk and work this out in my own time. This was a help to see it in writing from unbiased strangers and get a chance to vent and write things down to clear my own head up. You've made a real difference guys and I really appreciate it.