Boyfriend texts other girls

Shasha2016

Hey I hope you can give me some advice,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7years now and we've had our ups and downs but we got though them. We are quite laid back I do my thing and he does his. I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago but I have learned to cope and be positive but I do get anxious sometimes.

The other day I looked at his phone because he is on it so much even when we are together. I seen he was texting another girl and my heart sank. It was harmless enough tho she had broken up with her boyfriend and he was giving her a shoulder to cry on! We've had this argument several times now because there's always a new name. When I confront him he says there friends but I've never met nor seen any of them in person.

My head is wrecked I don't want to be the controlling girlfriend but this can't keep happening. Am I being unreasonable by being angry and thinking this is not working or should I just get over it ?

:

Big Bag of Chips

Shasha2016 wrote: »

Am I being unreasonable by being angry and thinking this is not working or should I just get over it ?

Everybody has their own limit. If this is something you are not happy with, that he knows you are upset by, yet makes no effort to stop, or at least allay your worries, well then it is perfectly acceptable to say it's not working.

Jan Laco

Have you asked to meet them before? When I first read the title I expected to hear of a jealous gf. We all have rights to have friends outside of a relationship. But the fact you don't seem to be invited to the friendship and lots of new faces is a bit unfair.

I'm a guy but I get on better with girls than with guys and most of my best friends are girls. I would text and meet them for coffee.
However I make sure my girlfriend meets them all at some stage, and I know their husbands/boyfriends.

Why don't you suggest for him invite these friends when you are both going out.

blue note

You read the texts and they're harmless. Sounds like he's doing nothing wrong - just being a good listener. Something that people need from time to time and if they've just broken up with a boyfriend that person can be hard to find at times.

Looking through his messages is an invasion of privacy though. I'd work on your own self control there - some people would react very badly to this sort of thing.

Emme

Shasha2016 wrote: »

Hey I hope you can give me some advice,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7years now and we've had our ups and downs but we got though them. We are quite laid back I do my thing and he does his. I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago but I have learned to cope and be positive but I do get anxious sometimes.

The other day I looked at his phone because he is on it so much even when we are together. I seen he was texting another girl and my heart sank. It was harmless enough tho she had broken up with her boyfriend and he was giving her a shoulder to cry on! We've had this argument several times now because there's always a new name. When I confront him he says there friends but I've never met nor seen any of them in person.

My head is wrecked I don't want to be the controlling girlfriend but this can't keep happening. Am I being unreasonable by being angry and thinking this is not working or should I just get over it ? :

What's your gut feeling on this?

Either your boyfriend is a friendly sort who knows lots of girls on a platonic basis or he could be texting one girl and cleverly changing her name on his phone to allay your suspicion.

It's good to have some time independent of each other but how much does he do his own thing? Is he out at weekends on lads nights out? Nothing wrong with this once in a while but if he's out every weekend doing his thing and you're doing yours you would want to put a bit more effort into your relationship.

Shasha2016

Jan Laco wrote: »

Have you asked to meet them before? When I first read the title I expected to hear of a jealous gf. We all have rights to have friends outside of a relationship. But the fact you don't seem to be invited to the friendship and lots of new faces is a bit unfair.

I'm a guy but I get on better with girls than with guys and most of my best friends are girls. I would text and meet them for coffee.
However I make sure my girlfriend meets them all at some stage, and I know their husbands/boyfriends.

Why don't you suggest for him invite these friends when you are both going out.

I have asked to meet them but it was brushed off. I absolutely agree we all need friends outside of the relationship I even get on better with guys but he knows about all of my male friends and has met them or been on nights out.

Maybe I should mention it again

leggo

There's a difference between talking and arguing. Have you flat out told him how this makes you feel and outlined what you consider to be your boundaries in a clear, concise and most importantly calm way? Stuff comes out but rarely gets resolved in an argument where you're both yelling. You've no right to tell him what to do, but you do have a right to feel uncomfortable with stuff and verbalise it, then the rest is up to him, and your only recourse from there is to walk.

But let's help you get to the bottom of those feelings here before you go in guns blazing. Why does this bother you? Do you think he's actually cheating behind your back? Or do you think it's more down to your own fears and insecurities?

jacksie66

This post has been deleted.

RhubarbCrumble

OP, from what you've said about the messages, they all sound quite innocent. As in, your BF is just chatting to a friend, in this case a female friend. Is there anything in the message to suggest otherwise or is it just a suspicion you have?

I'm female and have two male friends that I would be in regular contact with via messaging. My partner is fine with this because he knows that they're innocent messages and that's it. I chat to them same way as I'd chat to my female friends. My partner's never asked to see the messages, but if he did it wouldn't be a problem. My phone is always left lying around the house anyway so if was ever going to snoop (and I don't think he would) I'm sure he'd have done it by now.

At the end of the day only you can decide whether you trust your boyfriend or not and whether it's all innocent texting.

Sapphire

Most people mention their friends, male or female. Most people would mention a new friend to their partner, or mention that they are meeting X for a coffee /pint /cinema outing. Most people would be happy for their partner to meet their new friend. But if these people are all online then maybe its innocent - I know a few Boardises in real life. Partner has never heard of them. Recently one (married, male) happened to be in town and I met him for lunch. I got slagged a bit by the OH for meeting strange men off the internet but he knew there was nothing in it.

Do you know where he meets them? Is it online like Boards/ Facebook groups/ shared hobbies /gaming where its likely to be just friendly chat? Or is it on nights out?

Is he as guarded about his male friends as his female ones? Because if he's not treating them equally then its fair to wonder why. Or is it that he meets new people all the time but its only the female names that you notice?

You'll get a few replies on here castigating you for reading his texts. Tis a heinous crime around these parts. But you did it, it's done, and from the sounds of it your partner is not quite as outraged - his is the only opinion on that that matters, they are his texts on his phone after all so its up to him how heinous the crime of phone snooping is in this instance.

The fact that you say its happened before indicates that you've looked at his phone before? And if so, if he's not reset his PIN or read you the riot act might indicate that he really does have nothing to hide from you.

Mr. Incognito

I am a guy, and maybe I am an anomoloy but I have lots of people that I text. Exes, friends, male and female. They can live in different countries and we all met in different circumstances.

I do not believe that if I am with my partner I should totally isolate myself from all interactions other than that relationship.

Either you trust your partner or you do not. The fact that you are going through his phone indicates that you do not.

Talking, having conversations, having friends, these are normal healthy things. As people interact with other people they become more tolerant and more rounded individuals.

Having a partner who is a social butterfly like myself does not make me more likely to be unfaithful or cheat. In fact it allows me to chat and have conversations that I would not be able to have with my partner in certain areas like law, philosophy, gaming, etc.

This idea that your partner should be everything to the exclusion of all others is niaive, childish and frankly ridiculous in my view.

My advice would be to apologise for going through his phone and ask for him to put it away and concentrate on you when you are together.

Laying down ultamatums is not going to end well.

fungun

He is allowed whatever friends he likes, as long as he doesnt cross any lines. You checked was he crossing lines....and he wasnt. So no problem here except that you dont want him to have these friends - thats your problem, and IMO you are being unreasonable to be angry

Dial Hard

fungun wrote:

He is allowed whatever friends he likes, as long as he doesnt cross any lines. You checked was he crossing lines....and he wasnt. So no problem here except that you dont want him to have these friends - thats your problem, and IMO you are being unreasonable to be angry

There's friends and then there's a constant stream of new female friends that she never gets to meet. That changes the context, imo and having been in that position myself, my spidey senses would be tingling.

LegacyUser

You know deep down whether your worries are unfounded or not. I'm sorry to generalize but guys who are completely happy and connected to their partner do not feel the need to keep making new female friends to be a 'shoulder to cry on'. Where are their proper friends? Their girly mates to rant to?? Don't be naive. Some girls may be happy with this but you are not. Are you worrying where the relationship is going? 7 years is a long time. You are feeling insecure, have you talked about your future?

Shasha2016

Dial Hard wrote: »

There's friends and then there's a constant stream of new female friends that she never gets to meet. That changes the context, imo and having been in that position myself, my spidey senses would be tingling.

Hmmm at the moment everything is rosey in his eyes it was brushed off like every other time ...to be honest I kinda have the attitude I just don't care anymore so that says a lot for our relationship.

Shasha2016

bubble123 wrote: »

You know deep down whether your worries are unfounded or not. I'm sorry to generalize but guys who are completely happy and connected to their partner do not feel the need to keep making new female friends to be a 'shoulder to cry on'. Where are their proper friends? Their girly mates to rant to?? Don't be naive. Some girls may be happy with this but you are not. Are you worrying where the relationship is going? 7 years is a long time. You are feeling insecure, have you talked about your future?

That's exactly my point if you are happy why do you need to make new 'girlfriends'. He says he knows them from before he got with me but come on 7 years ago ....yeh i think about the future all the time. We have talked he says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me!!

It's like I don't want to end it and neither does he. 😣

Big Bag of Chips

What's your gut feeling?

Shasha2016

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

What's your gut feeling?

I really don't know the other day I wanted to finish it now that was it but now I'm having second thoughts. 😕

mada82

Not saying this is right. Is there any chance he's messaging these girls for an ego boost?

Shasha2016

mada82 wrote: »

Not saying this is right. Is there any chance he's messaging these girls for an ego boost?

True he could be.....we don't speak at all now so I might never know

SB_Part2

Shasha2016 wrote: »

True he could be.....we don't speak at all now so I might never know

Did you break up with him?

Shasha2016

SB_Part2 wrote: »

Did you break up with him?

Nope tried talking to him and it ended in a big fight and we haven't spoken since ...I've text a couple of times now and got no reply .

mada82

Shasha2016 wrote: »

Nope tried talking to him and it ended in a big fight and we haven't spoken since ...I've text a couple of times now and got no reply .

Sounds very immature.

Shasha2016

mada82 wrote: »

Sounds very immature.

Yep life's to short for that crap