Not being a priority to my girlfriend

dental28

I am currently in a relationship with an amazing woman. We have been going out for 18 months but unfortunatly we only see each other once or twice a week. The thing is,she is in a band and she plays most weekends so therefore I don't get to see her as much as I would like and due to her family connections with the band she feels she cannot say no when they ask her to play a gig. I am delighted she loves what she does, however it makes me feel I am down on her list of priorities. Let me say I am not thinking of breaking up but would appreciate advice on not being on the top of her list of priorities.
Thanks in advance!!

ManOfMystery

So she plays most weekends, which is fair enough - I know lots of people who gig every weekend. Does that mean Fri AND Sat or just the one night?

What about the other 5 nights in the week - how come you only see each other once or twice, is it a distance issue?

Rachiee

If shes seeing you whenever she is available then really you are not the down her list of priorities youre top of it. Music is part of her life its not about her picking music over you.
I think you should talk to her though and work out how you can spend more time together.
Can you become more involved when she does have gigs (like a groupie ) help them with transport etc id imagine they often hang around for a drink after the show if you hang out backstage you could join for that end.

Mr. Incognito

Do you think if someone prioritised their work over you this would be unfair?

Get over yourself and support your partner.

dental28

ManOfMystery wrote: »

So she plays most weekends, which is fair enough - I know lots of people who gig every weekend. Does that mean Fri AND Sat or just the one night?

What about the other 5 nights in the week - how come you only see each other once or twice, is it a distance issue?

Thanks for your reply! It means usually every saturday and sunday but she does shift work which means every other week she will be working monday-friday till 10pm so by the time she gets home she just wants to sleep.
The other week she finishes at 3 in the afternoon but can only fit me in once during the week after work because she is very independent and always has a l

dental28

ManOfMystery wrote: »

So she plays most weekends, which is fair enough - I know lots of people who gig every weekend. Does that mean Fri AND Sat or just the one night?

What about the other 5 nights in the week - how come you only see each other once or twice, is it a distance issue?

Thanks for your reply! It means usually every saturday and sunday but she does shift work which means every other week she will be working monday-friday till 10pm so by the time she gets home she just wants to sleep.
The other week she finishes at 3 in the afternoon but can only fit me in once during the week after work because she is very independent and always has a lot pf friends to go and meet up with.
I have told her how hard i am finding it and she just gets upset when i tell her

ManOfMystery

dental28 wrote: »

Thanks for your reply! It means usually every saturday and sunday but she does shift work which means every other week she will be working monday-friday till 10pm so by the time she gets home she just wants to sleep.
The other week she finishes at 3 in the afternoon but can only fit me in once during the week after work because she is very independent and always has a lot pf friends to go and meet up with.
I have told her how hard i am finding it and she just gets upset when i tell her

I don't think the gigging is the problem here. This isn't something new she has just taken up and decided to do instead of spending weekends with you - it was part of her life before you came along, so it's unfair to ask her to give it up.

I know it's horses for courses, but when I've been in relationships then that person gets the majority of my time. Otherwise, what's the point? That doesn't mean I drop friends; but there are only 7 days in a week and something has to give, so I would spend 1-2 days at most catching up with friends and try and spend the rest of the time with partners. I know its different for everyone, but even someone 'independent' has to realise that there's absolutely no point in being in a committed relationship (not casual) if they only want to devote 10% or 20% of their time to it.

After 18 months, I think it's time you had a chat with her. Where does she see this going - are you going to continue indefinitely on 1-2 days a week? I assume you don't live together, but has this been brought up or mentioned - is it on the radar?

Noo

What about your hobbies?

dental28

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I don't think the gigging is the problem here. This isn't something new she has just taken up and decided to do instead of spending weekends with you - it was part of her life before you came along, so it's unfair to ask her to give it up.

I know it's horses for courses, but when I've been in relationships then that person gets the majority of my time. Otherwise, what's the point? That doesn't mean I drop friends; but there are only 7 days in a week and something has to give, so I would spend 1-2 days at most catching up with friends and try and spend the rest of the time with partners. I know its different for everyone, but even someone 'independent' has to realise that there's absolutely no point in being in a committed relationship (not casual) if they only want to devote 10% or 20% of their time to it.

After 18 months, I think it's time you had a chat with her. Where does she see this going - are you going to continue indefinitely on 1-2 days a week? I assume you don't live together, but has this been brought up or mentioned - is it on the radar?

Yes we talked about living together recently but her main answer is that there is plenty of time for us to do that.She seems to be afraid of that type of commitment.
I am also responsibe as despite my best efforts at the moment I am only working part time so usually work weekends so we miss out on some weekend time too. However I do feel like I am always the one to arange when we meet up and she never organises anything.

dental28

Noo wrote: »

What about your hobbies?

Well I obviously enjoy meetiing up with my friends and going swimming however I try to work these hobbies around meeting her whereas she will plan her week(meeting friends etc.)and then if there is time she will meet me

Noo

dental28 wrote: »

Well I obviously enjoy meetiing up with my friends and going swimming however I try to work these hobbies around meeting her whereas she will plan her week(meeting friends etc.)and then if there is time she will meet me

Either do your hobbies and meet friends the same time as her or go along to her gigs. Ive been with my boyfriend nearly 10 years and its always worked for us. I became a groupie at his gigs and when i have my hobbies he just does his own thing. Its still a relatively new relationship so i understand you want to see her all the time, but stick in there long enough and you'll be glad neither of you gave up your friends or hobbies.

dental28

Noo wrote: »

Either do your hobbies and meet friends the same time as her or go along to her gigs. Ive been with my boyfriend nearly 10 years and its always worked for us. I became a groupie at his gigs and when i have my hobbies he just does his own thing. Its still a relatively new relationship so i understand you want to see her all the time, but stick in there long enough and you'll be glad neither of you gave up your friends or hobbies.

Thank you!it is great to hear that from someone in the same position. It can be frustrating at times but i suppose it will be worth it in the end if i can stick in there!!

ManOfMystery

dental28 wrote: »

Yes we talked about living together recently but her main answer is that there is plenty of time for us to do that.She seems to be afraid of that type of commitment.
I am also responsibe as despite my best efforts at the moment I am only working part time so usually work weekends so we miss out on some weekend time too. However I do feel like I am always the one to arange when we meet up and she never organises anything.

To be honest, it's starting to sound like you're more invested in the relationships than she is.

- She spends more time on hobbies/friends than with you
- Doesn't appear motivated to organise to do anything with you
- Doesn't seem interested in talking about the future

To me it sounds like she likes the thought of having a boyfriend there when she needs one, but not to the extent that she will sacrifice any of her hobbies/socialising time/etc.

When you're in a relationship, you have to give up something to spend all that free time you had previously with your partner. That's how it works. You say she's 'independent', but independence and relationships aren't mutually exclusive; there's plenty of people who are in long term relationships and still retain a degree of independence. Independence is more about mindset than just spending lots and lots of time away from your partner. IMO, her issue is more one of selfishness than independence; she's doesn't appear too willing to compromise on her time at all.

I think you really need to have a serious chat with her and see where you stand. I'm not suggesting a knee-jerk reaction of 'dump her!!', but ask her where she sees the relationship going and think about whether that's compatible with your view on it - or whether you can meet in the middle somehow.

On the face of it, you are lower on her list of priorities than she is with you. No matter how amazing she is, that will not end in happiness as time goes on and you yearn for the relationship to progress somewhere with someone who won't budge an inch.

Milly33

Hi OP, I defo get where you are coming from.

Whilst younger I thought wow going out with someone in a band would be so cool, tis a big shocker when you do, and you realise for you this means you do not get to spend as much time as you like with them, as you say you kind of feel like you are second to the music and that most of the time, the time ye do spend together is somewhat gig related. Kinda hard to say this but a lot of the time you are! But not in a bad way, in a way like saying if you had something you were really passionate about and were asked to give it up or to put it aside for someone (it is really hard to understand this in the early years of a relationship me thinks). Music is a part of her and if you really do like her, you would not ask her to give this up, she wouldn't be the same without it. I am not saying you are asking her to, I am just using that to get the point across

It is so hard and can be very lonely. Sometimes you don't want to go to all the gigs and in fairness it isn't always quality time when you do, as they are gigging and you are left sitting there either making idle conversation with people or sitting by yourself...Or drinking lets say when you don't want to, but you do out of "sure I might aswell"

If you feel like this is the lady for you then I would suggest sitting down and talking to her properly about things and tell her how you feel. Saying things like what about your hobbies, doesn't really solve the issue of you feeling second best... Tell her that you would like her to at least put one day aside for just ye, no music, no phonecalls about music just try and let her know you are there to support her but you also need her to support you and think of you. See what she says, worth a shot if you think it is worth it...

Virgil°

I've been in exactly your position OP. Exactly.

In the end it didn't work out.
I'd have to point out that your partner being "independant" and "passionate about her hobbies" is a far cry from what you are experiencing. For me anyway it was like being in a relationship with 3 people. Me, her and music. If ever there was a gig to go to , even a really **** one, it would ALWAYS , 100% of the time, be music first. There was no compromise, ever.

Fine if you don't mind not being numero uno but for me it just wasn't sustainable. The final straw was when she cancelled on my birthday party/meeting my friends for the first time to go play guitar in a dingy little pub in front of a handful of people ,essentially for free. MoM hit the nail on the head i think. She liked the idea of having the boyfriend, but wasn't in any way willing to compromise for one.

For sure talk to her and see if a compromise can be reached. I wouldn't hold out much hope of this though. You'll then be faced with the decision:

Can you handle being 3rd or 4th best in a relationship? Begging for scraps of her free time?

DukeOfTheSharp

I'll echo other posters here OP: she likes having a boyfriend, but with relationships come compromise, and after 18 months if you're still dealing with this? It's never going to work out. Relationships are two-way streets OP, compromise and communication is key and from the sounds of it, whenever you try to bring it up to her, she just gets upset and that's where the conversation ends...and that's borderline abusive behavior on her part. You can't just throw a strop and get upset when someone brings up an issue in a relationship, you've got to deal with it and sort it out. I'd also point out that the idea of being independent also means you have to take responsibility for your own actions and mistakes - something I'm feeling she doesn't do, when this has become such an issue that you're...well...here.
Look OP, you may like her, you may love her, but as goddamn harsh as it is to hear: she doesn't love you. Nobody who loves you won't move mountains to spend time with you, because they want to be around you. It sounds like this girl has a lot of growing up to do, when she's so big on 'independence' but can't have a conversation with you about how you're feeling. You can't control how she prioritizes you OP, but what you can do is prioritize your own feelings and maybe reconsider your stance on breaking up, because you're on a losing streak here, I've been there, many people here have been in your position and it rarely - if ever - ends well. And take it from someone who was dealing with something like you're dealing with a long time ago; it's never worth it. Best to move on and find someone who respects you and can make time for you, while doing other things that they enjoy. It isn't hard, but for some people, they just don't want to see it that way.

suicide_circus

Yep sounds like you like her more than she likes you. An imbalanced relationship likes this will end up destroying your self worth and you may well become clingy and possessive.

santana75

dental28 wrote: »

I am currently in a relationship with an amazing woman. We have been going out for 18 months but unfortunatly we only see each other once or twice a week. The thing is,she is in a band and she plays most weekends so therefore I don't get to see her as much as I would like and due to her family connections with the band she feels she cannot say no when they ask her to play a gig. I am delighted she loves what she does, however it makes me feel I am down on her list of priorities. Let me say I am not thinking of breaking up but would appreciate advice on not being on the top of her list of priorities.
Thanks in advance!!

You sound like a nice guy, probably too nice. Im not saying to all of a sudden act like a dick, but you need to take a step back and look at whats happening. It comes across like you're on the back foot and that aint a good place to be. You know in your heart of hearts that whatever is going on in this relationship is wrong for you. You can ask people over the interweb to reassure you and tell you that you need to be more understanding of her job and all that but, like I said, in your heart you'll already know the answer. And if you're feeling uncomfortable it means whatever is going on isnt right for you. You cant make her change, so I wouldnt even bother having a conversation with her about this. Just go off and live your life. Dont be worrying about spending time with her, create your own life to the point where you have a lot of options. Because you do. If this one girl isnt meeting you half way, then cut her loose. Its simple. Like what if you had a load of women wanting to date you, lining up down the street. Do you really think you'd be here even asking this question? Im Pretty sure you wouldnt and you wouldnt be bothered what this girl is doing, you'd let her go and move on to someone else. The problem is not what this girl is doing or her availability to you, the problem is you're not seeing that you have a lot of options.

daisybelle2008

dental28 wrote: »

Thank you!it is great to hear that from someone in the same position. It can be frustrating at times but i suppose it will be worth it in the end if i can stick in there!!

Probably won't, she is not as invested in the relationship the way you are, wanting to meet up, moving in, seeing a future together etc. can't see that changing. Taking a break might give you both time to consider if its worth it, ye could be holding each other back from meeting someone ye are more compatible with.

Turtle_

Your situation sounds really unhealthy. She's not emotionally ready for a relationship. She's not mature enough for an adult relationship. That's fine, but you're being pulled under because YOU are in an adult relationship but SHE is in a teenage boyfriend-girlfriend going-out phase (I can't bring myself to say relationship, because it's not a relationship as any adult would identify).

It's funny how it's so difficult to see just how wrong this behaviour is when you're actually in the relationship. You have my complete sympathy, OP. My own situation was similar... My ex always went home to the countryside on the weekends, and always went hurling at the weekends, and always went out with the lads the night after hurling... And about 50% of the rest of the weekend was spent on the farm (he didn't have to be there, it was choice and not obligation). And it was just expected that I'd tag along. FWIW, any time we "fought" it was shut down immediately by an emotional strop or him crying and not engaging.

I broke up with him in the end when he basically lied to me about something semi-significant... And it wasn't even the lie that got me, it was that he couldn't see past his own world as to how he was hurting me. Even when I asked him to explain himself he just rattled off a load of self-centred stuff and never even mentioned an apology, or even recognition that his lying was hurtful to me.

And I'm sorry to say, OP, but I think your girlfriend sounds much the same. Nice person, you click, you get along, there's an attraction... But it also sounds like she never checked in to your relationship emotionally, never mind checking out. It's up to you how you approach it, but it's really tough going when you aren't on the radar. It wears a person down. Mind yourself.

dental28

Just wondering if anyone else has had this situation before..I have been goin out with my girlfriend for 18 months and I am always the one who has to make plans and she never sets things up for us to do..she is very thoughtful and generous and we go on holidays alot together but although this seems to satisfy her Im finding it harder by the day as she is playing in a band most weekends and if i want to meet her I have to arrange it..any advice would be greatly appreciated

ManOfMystery

There's a near identical thread here from another poster who has to arrange everything, some good advice in it.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057634794

Also, in your original thread there was some equally good advice. Although that thread was about being low on her list of priorities, I would argue that both that and her not arranging things are all stemming from the one problem - which is a lack of emotional investment on her part. Have you actually read the responses on there? I can't see what new insights people are going to offer in this thread.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057634794

Taltos

Mod Note
OP please do not create more than one thread on a recent issue where you have sought advice before. I'm merging the two threads this time but generally we'd close both.

Removing some posts calling out the earlier thread - please report threads with such concerns going forwards, it helps the mods catch up.

Ursus Horribilis

How about you do nothing and see what happens? I'm not one for playing games but I think in this case it would be a valuable exercise in seeing where this is going. Will she even miss you? For what it's worth, I think this is a relationship that's going nowhere. It's easy to talk and say the right thing. Actually doing something is an another matter entirely. Actions speak louder than words .