Questioning Myself after Threesome

LegacyUser

My wife an i are in our early 40's we had some marriage problems a few years back where i had an affair, we sorted things out and moved on.

My wife said that she wanted to have a threesome, i was not keen on the idea and then agreed, we regsisterded on a website and got decided on a mmf

we hooked up with a guy mid 20's, after chatting online we booked a hotel room and met up, he's well built, clean shaven, well endowed, etc and bi sexual, we had a few conditions, like my wife and i would make love, he would pleasure her but not intercourse, i wanted her to leave her bra on, that was really all.

all was going ok, we did foreplay and my wife and i had intercourse, then the guy started to have sex with me, i froze and said i'm not bi, he told me to relax and enjoy it, i admit i found it extremely pleasurable, i'm not attracted to men never have been, but i really enjoyed it, was a bit sore after wards but pleasurable none the less.

i fell asleep and i woke up and he was making love to my wife playing with her boobs, i pretended to be asleep felt a bit uneasy about it.

in the morning we all got up and i got used to the idea we all went fully nude into the hot tub in the room, then back to bed he made love to my wife and wanted me to him but i didnt

after the experience we did not talk much about it, my wife asked was i ok with him making love to her and i was, i cant say anything as i had an affair, she would like to do it again

i'm not interested in me, but i'm open to the idea of a man having sex with me, i find it pleasurable, i dont know it really left me confused, apologies for being graphic, its not the sort of things you can ask just anyone.

I'm confused, is it a phase, i love making love to women and women turn me on

racso1975

Oh Man you have a whole lot going on in that post!!! Your head must be actually wrecked.

You say you had an affair and then sorted things out and moved on. That is clearly not the case here. If you are afraid to say something due to the fact you had an affair previously then you have not moved on from it. Why is this? Do you feel it would be hypocritical of you? Or it would be thrown back at you?

The Threesome: If you were not keen then why did you agree to it? Guilt? I know very little about 3somes but what i do know is you establish the ground rules first. You guys did this.....then ye pissed all over them. This whats causing you a lot of your problems. No penetrative sex with wife and bra on - this gets broken twice. Him having sex with you. Now the lines are all a complete blur you.

I get from reading the post you appeared to be more of a journey man on this then actually being really up for it.

Were you really ok with your wife having sex or did you just say you were?

Lastly i'm not fully sure what you are looking for advice wise? Is it about saving your marriage? is it about going for a 3some again? is it the desire to have sex with another man?

Ultimately you and your wife have a number of issues to solve and while I never suggest it here think about couples counselling or at least counselling for yourself.

You had a new experience and you enjoyed it. There's nothing really to feel conflicted about. But what I would say to do is to sit down with your wife and discuss your issues and insecurities about what happened. Would you consider keeping this guy as a regular playmate?

Loveinapril

OP, open up to your wife about ALL of this. If you are to get passed your own issues around the encounter then you need to be clear, open and honest.

Decent Skin

Loveinapril wrote: »

Wow, that post is nuts! He consented to sex, he did not say he was too scared to do anything about the man and his wife and I find it crazy that you are insinuating a bisexual man poses more of a risk as a carrier of HIV. You need some education!

OP, open up to your wife about ALL of this. If you are to get passed your own issues around the encounter then you need to be clear, open and honest.

Not according to the OP

then the guy started to have sex with me

That's rape. The "consent" was given afterwards.

OP - report it to the Gardai immediately.

Not to mention the fact that the rapist absolutely and utterly ignored the OP's clear statement that they weren't bisexual.

A vile individual by the sounds of it.

Decent Skin

eviltwin wrote: »

His consent or lack thereof is not the issue here. Stop making it one.

What ? Consent is a prerequisite for sex. I know the PC brigade are muddying the waters re nearly needing signed statements, but a lack of even the remotest shade of consent = rape.

If this was a woman whom someone started having sex with and they were told stop, and they said "relax love, you'll enjoy it, honest", then there would be no question re the rape; why the double-standards ?

eviltwin

OP did you and your wife ever get counselling for the issues around the affair? This reads like a hurt woman wanting to have her fun like you did while making you suffer by having you watch and a guilty man saying nothing because maybe he feels he owes her.

You both need to talk about this but communication seems to be an issue so I'd definitely recommend doing some couples counselling.

As for enjoying the sex with a man, I wouldn't read too much into that. Lots of people have had sexual encounters with people of the same sex but it doesn't make them gay or even bi. You have to look at it in the context of the situation.

eviltwin

Decent Skin wrote: »

What ? Consent is a prerequisite for sex. I know the PC brigade are muddying the waters re nearly needing signed statements, but a lack of even the remotest shade of consent = rape.

If this was a woman whom someone started having sex with and they were told stop, and they said "relax love, you'll enjoy it, honest", then there would be no question re the rape; why the double-standards ?

He didn't say he didn't consent, just that he said he wasn't bi. He doesn't say he tried to stop it. Have you never been in a situation where you let someone take the lead despite not being sure? He says he enjoyed it and found it pleasurable. Maybe wait for him to clarify first.

Augme

It's up to the OP to decide if he was raped or not, not everything is that black and white.

As for the OP - I wouldn't question yourself. Sexuality is a tricky thing. At the end of the day the male g-spot is located in your ass so it's not surprising you enjoyed it. I do think you and the wife need to sit down and discuss properly what you want from this and why you are doing it.

Decent Skin

eviltwin wrote: »

He didn't say he didn't consent, just that he said he wasn't bi. He doesn't say he tried to stop it. Have you never been in a situation where you let someone take the lead despite not being sure? He says he enjoyed it and found it pleasurable. Maybe wait for him to clarify first.

Not someone I didn't fancy / consider it as maybe being on the cards beforehand, and DEFINITELY not someone of the same sex!

eviltwin

Decent Skin wrote: »

Not someone I didn't fancy / consider it as maybe being on the cards beforehand, and DEFINITELY not someone of the same sex!

That's you not the OP. I've been in situations many times where I've been unsure but let the other person take the lead. Not one of those was a rape or assault.

dudara

Posters - if you are not offering advice directly to the OP, then don't post.

OP - what question exactly are you trying to address here?

dudara

Not to venture off topic here but is anyone else perplexed by the statement that the only line the OP drew in this encounter was that his wife left her bra on???

OP I would need counselling after an encounter like that.
Hope it isn't causing you mental distress.

dudara

I've just removed a slew of posts from a serial troll. Please do not respond to obvious trolls on thread. Instead please report the posts.

dudara

368100

Op, your post title says questioning yourself after the threesome?

Why are you questioning yourself? Because you had sex with a man and enjoyed it or because you didn't stop the other things go over the agreed lines... Or both?

If it's the man thing I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about it, plenty of people experiment at some point in their lives, it's up to you whether you/your wife whether you want to repeat it or not..

As for things going over the agreed lines with your wife etc, in my honest opinion I don't think either of you were probably in the right space for such an encounter as it seems at least in your case to make you more unsure about feelings/the relationship.

My advice to you would be to lay it all in the table with your wife and investigate whether couples counselling would help get you both back on track.

The Codemaster

Talk to your wife about it OP. Just be honest - tell her what you told us & see how she feels - it's a very complex sequence of events. You're likely bi-sexual, and there's nothing wrong with that if you enjoyed it.

Out of interest - why was the bra to be left on?

seamus

Yeah, as others say, there's a whole lot going on there.

1. There were ground rules established but you felt like you couldn't enforce them because you still feel like you're on the back foot about your affair. Clearly there is still some work to do here; if your wife has forgiven you and as a couple you've agreed to move on, then neither your wife or yourself should keep it hanging over your head. Did you attend any counselling at the time? If not, that may be a good idea.

2. Your wife and this guy pissed all over your ground rules. To a certain extent I can't blame the guy for crossing the line if your wife was happy to ignore the rules, but as a future threesome partner he should either stick with the rules or you should find someone else to join you. You need to talk to your wife and the two of you discuss the whole experience frankly and honestly, no holding back. Explain that you were not happy with the ground rules being ignored - that it hurt you.

3. You had sex with another man and you enjoyed it. You may be bisexual. You may not - you may get turned on by the idea of being dominated by another guy even if you don't find men attractive. I'm sure it's confusing, but of the 3 things it's probably the least important . I guess at 40 it's unsettling to discover new things about yourself - but nobody was hurt, the exact opposite. So just chalk it down to an experience. If you want to do it again, no harm. If you don't, no harm.

Idle Passerby

It sounds like you agreed to the threesome without being totally comfortable with it because you felt you had to atone for your infidelity. Sounds like you and your wife are possibly having some power struggles after your affair and it hasn't been fully dealt with. Bearing that in mind, having a threesome doesn't seem like the best idea when the relationship is still a bit shaky.

I don't think your enjoying sex with a man necessarily makes you bisexual, you got caught up in the moment and enjoyed it. Its made you curious about something you hadn't presumably considered previously. There's nothing wrong with that. Sexual identity isn't as static and set in stone as society likes to make out.

I think your first port of call is to work through the emotional fallout from your affair with your wife. My reading is shes still angry and you still feel guilty. Id urge you to deal with that before considering more threesomes or extra partners.

HamsterFace

It's unsurprising that you feel confused and feel some shame.

You didn't consent to sex from this person and they did it anyway. Quite often rape victims feel ashamed because they orgasm, this is akin to the fact you enjoyed it.

Talk to someone.

LegacyUser

Hi I was only recently reading about teenagers' sexual identity.. I know you are not a teen, but nevertheless. It is completely normal to experiment, and having same sex 2-3 times and enjoying it does not make you bisexual or gay. It is in our nature to enjoy the physical pleasures of sex ,whether same same or not. If you have romantic feelings for women only, you are straight.
That was about the gay thing, I got the impression that you were confused about what was going on with your sexuality.

In regards to you & your wife: I think she can now manipulate you & you will do whatever because of the guilt that you cheated. Be aware of that, I have no suggestions here as you really did mess up. But two minuses do not make a plus.

bonyn

HamsterFace wrote: »

You didn't consent to sex from this person and they did it anyway.

This again?! Who hasn't discussed ground rules and in the heat of the moment just said **** it, in for a penny.

He may have said no initially, but through his actions and participation made clear he changed his mind. Often described as thinking with his penis. The consent was implied so let him own his own actions.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies, the question is i enjoyed it, i consented to it, it was pleasureable, am i gay no, bi no, but i really want to do it again, it hard to explain, i had a prostate massage done before a few times. its the idea of having it done to me again is erotic and a turn on

i suspose not everyone has done a threesome,

Taltos

Mod Note
OP based on your latest update I fail to see what the issue is then. You clearly just need to talk to your wife as others have suggested and work through any remaining unresolved issues from your cheating.

Based on this closing this thread now.