Person Won't leave me Alone

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I have a little issue going on and was unsure if it should be here or RI (apologies if wrong). It's more personal as I'm not in a relationship. Anyway, to the issue. It's a little long winded...sorry in advance.

I met a guy a few weeks ago. Went on some dates and on about the 4th or 5th date, we slept together. A couple of days after this (after constant texting), he tells me he doesn't want to see me again. I asked him why and he says he doesn't know. So I figure, I can't make him change his mind & told him as much. We agreed to stop contacting each other. This didn't work out as he kept texting me and when I wouldn't answer, he'd call. I explained why I wasn't answering via a text message (He had requested the no contact thing). Anyway, the jigs and reels of it all is this went on for approx 2 weeks, to-ing and fro-ing, he wanted me, he didn't want me, until I told him, very politely, that I didn't want the drama he seemed to want to create and wished him luck etc but that I wouldn't be seeing him again. I knew myself the man is a total head f*ck and seems to thrive on drama. I asked him not to contact me and he said OK.

Fast forward to today (about a week later) and I'm now at my wits end. This man has been hounding me with texts messages, calls etc. I've blocked his number, blocked him on FB and all other social media platforms I'm on. Today, I get a message on my online dating profile from him, pretty much abusing me. That didn't bother me and I just reported and blocked. He then set up a new profile and sent a rather threatening message. Going into detail of what he wants to do to me (not nice) and that he knows where I work, knows what car I drive etc. Thankfully, I had never invited him to my home. I screenshotted the message and blocked him but he keeps setting up new profiles and sending abusive, threatening messages (all have been screenshotted). I've now hidden my profile but I'm genuinely worried about this.

I'm a 30 year old woman, I shouldn't be feeling like this. Is there anything at all I can do?

ivytwine

Hey OP

What a horrible thing to have happened to you. You've done all the right things so far, but I think you need to contact the gardai now. The threat of violence is enough to concern them. Keep the messages to show them and DO NOT respond, even if it's to tell him to go away. I was listening to an expert on the radio recently about stalking, and any response at all encourages a person like that.
Good luck OP, I hope it all works out and stay safe X

Merkin

Jesus, what an absolute freak. I encountered someone similar years ago and although I only went on one date and snogged him (and subsequently blocked him as he was totally harassing me) I still got a LinkedIn request under a fake name only last week (this is SEVEN years later btw!!) :rolleyes:

I echo the advice above. Copy all correspondence, don't engage AT all and if there has been a threat to you or your safety you need to escalate it. I'd also inform your housemates/people in your circle so they can help you be extra vigilant.

topmanamillion

You should go to the guards.
Now undoubtedly their hands will be tied but it's no harm to have it on record and make them aware of the messages. Hopefully they'll be able to give you some advice and may pay this individual a visit.
This is certainly in the area of stalking.
Truly awful situation.
Best of luck.

Fakediamond

I'd echo the above. No contact, even to say fcuk off. Log the messages with Gardai, I think the law may have changed and there is definitely a charge of Harassment in the statute books. They will probably pay him a visit all right and tell him to back off, which could be enough to get rid of him. Most people don't want Garda hassle, especially if they're in employment etc.

So sorry you are going through this, it must be horribly stressful and frightening.

ManOfMystery

Gardai is your only course of action, and I'd advise you contact them ASAP.

As well as keeping a copy of all correspondence, you should also keep a note/log of any times he has tried to contact your or any encounters with him. It may prove useful later when you're trying to recall specifics.

Forget the guards, most likely won't do a thing about it - have you brothers/male friends etc who would have a friendly word in this fellas ears.

I'm not suggesting for a second that he be assaulted etc, but he could be left under no illusions that should he continue to harass and threaten you that there will be consequences for his actions, be it legal or otherwise.

Johngoose

If he threatened to harm you that is assault. I would go with the threat of assault to the guards.Possibly ring the online dating company about this also,maybe they can restrict messages from strangers.

Johngoose

Johngoose wrote: »

If he threatened to harm you that is assault. I would go with the threat of assault to the guards.Possibly ring the online dating company about this also,maybe they can restrict messages from strangers.

P.s. if you unblock him on your phone you might get a flood of texts that would be very useful for the guards.Maybe proving he set up fake online accounts would be harder.

ManOfMystery

Deleted User wrote: »

Forget the guards, most likely won't do a thing about it - have you brothers/male friends etc who would have a friendly word in this fellas ears.

I'm not suggesting for a second that he be assaulted etc, but he could be left under no illusions that should he continue to harass and threaten you that there will be consequences for his actions, be it legal or otherwise.

I don't think this is good advice at all. Going down a potentially violent route to sort out an issue like this might look easy in a gangster flick, but in real life there's every chance that this (obviously unhinged) man might stick a knife in the unlucky male who's tasked with setting him straight.

OP it really is best to do things by the book. You have no way of knowing the outcome of this yet, but at least by reporting it formally and keeping a record of correspondence you are keeping things legal and proper on your side.

intheclouds

Definitely go to the Guards and do not engage with the guy at all.

Absolutely DO NOT try to take matters into your own hands by having someone threaten him, besides being illegal it could easily go horribly wrong.

pgj2015

Taken from NON-FATAL OFFENCES AGAINST THE PERSON ACT, 1997

Report him to the guards, and if they say there is nothing they can do, show them these two sections from the NON-FATAL OFFENCES AGAINST THE PERSON ACT, 1997




10.—(1) Any person who, without lawful authority or reasonable excuse, by any means including by use of the telephone, harasses another by persistently following, watching, pestering, besetting or communicating with him or her, shall be guilty of an offence.

(2) For the purposes of this section a person harasses another where—

(a) he or she, by his or her acts intentionally or recklessly, seriously interferes with the other's peace and privacy or causes alarm, distress or harm to the other, and

(b) his or her acts are such that a reasonable person would realise that the acts would seriously interfere with the other's peace and privacy or cause alarm, distress or harm to the other.

(3) Where a person is guilty of an offence under subsection (1), the court may, in addition to or as an alternative to any other penalty, order that the person shall not, for such period as the court may specify, communicate by any means with the other person or that the person shall not approach within such distance as the court shall specify of the place of residence or employment of the other person.

(4) A person who fails to comply with the terms of an order under subsection (3) shall be guilty of an offence.

(5) If on the evidence the court is not satisfied that the person should be convicted of an offence under subsection (1), the court may nevertheless make an order under subsection (3) upon an application to it in that behalf if, having regard to the evidence, the court is satisfied that it is in the interests of justice so to do.

(6) A person guilty of an offence under this section shall be liable—

(a) on summary conviction to a fine not exceeding £1,500 or to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 12 months or to both, or

(b) on conviction on indictment to a fine or to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 7 years or to both.



5.—(1) A person who, without lawful excuse, makes to another a threat, by any means intending the other to believe it will be carried out, to kill or cause serious harm to that other or a third person shall be guilty of an offence,

(2) A person guilty of an offence under this section shall be liable—

(a) on summary conviction to a fine not exceeding £1,500 or to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 12 months or to both, or

(b) on conviction on indictment to a fine or to imprisonment for a term not exceeding 10 years or to both.

pablo128

Years ago my sister was in a similar situation. The asshole would wait till we were gone to work to ring and harass her. I stayed back one morning and as soon as the phone rang, (the house phone, she wouldn't at that stage answer to private numbers or his number) I answered it. It went dead after a few seconds and he never rang again.

Augme

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I don't think this is good advice at all. Going down a potentially violent route to sort out an issue like this might look easy in a gangster flick, but in real life there's every chance that this (obviously unhinged) man might stick a knife in the unlucky male who's tasked with setting him straight.

OP it really is best to do things by the book. You have no way of knowing the outcome of this yet, but at least by reporting it formally and keeping a record of correspondence you are keeping things legal and proper on your side.

You're going down the road of a horror flick now. If this is the type of guy will stab someone who tries to set him straight then I doubt he's the type who will be scared off when the Gardai knock on his door.

topmanamillion

Deleted User wrote: »

Forget the guards, most likely won't do a thing about it - have you brothers/male friends etc who would have a friendly word in this fellas ears.

I'm not suggesting for a second that he be assaulted etc, but he could be left under no illusions that should he continue to harass and threaten you that there will be consequences for his actions, be it legal or otherwise.

But that's exactly what you're suggesting. You just won't say it because you know you'll run into the sites moderators if you do.
Why else would it require brothers or male friends?

OP under no circumstances follow this advice. Chances are this fella would have no hesitation in phoning the guards and getting your friends/family in trouble.
Think about the possible outcome if he has weapons be it a hurley, baseball bat, knife or even a gun.

The threat or perceived threat of violence, which would be a reasonable assumption to make from a bunch of your male friends and relatives showing up at his door, could panic this individual and lead him to escalate his behavior.

Of course the guards will make a visit to him if you outline the severity of the stalking and threats. They are the only ones that should be making house calls and they can advice you on protection orders and other legal means.

Unfortunately there's a number of people on here that have watched too much American television and believe the "Po Po ain't gonna do nothing".

The Codemaster

Contact the Gardai - keep logs of everything - phone calls, text message screenshots, messages in dating app, social media, etc. Just catalogue all of it.

ManOfMystery

Augme wrote: »

You're going down the road of a horror flick now. If this is the type of guy will stab someone who tries to set him straight then I doubt he's the type who will be scared off when the Gardai knock on his door.

I used a little poetic license yes, but I was illustrating a point. I stand by what I said.

The purpose of the Gardai knocking on his door is not to scare him. It's for them to assess the situation and if they decide he's just pushing his luck (one extreme) or if he's got mental health issues (the other extreme) they can take appropriate action.

I don't know the guy. I don't know his history. All I know is, his behaviour is not normal and verging on extreme - so sending in some heavy to have a word in his ear may result in an abnormal reaction, just like his current behaviour is an abnormal reaction to what should be a very routine ending to a short-term relationship.

LunarSea

Augme wrote: »

You're going down the road of a horror flick now. If this is the type of guy will stab someone who tries to set him straight then I doubt he's the type who will be scared off when the Gardai knock on his door.

Well if he's unhinged enough to stab someone, which is better - snet male friend around to get stabbed or have the Gardai have words with him?

OP is best to keep it all above board, keep records of every time he contacts them, but at the same time not to engage them.

Augme

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I used a little poetic license yes, but I was illustrating a point. I stand by what I said.

The purpose of the Gardai knocking on his door is not to scare him. It's for them to assess the situation and if they decide he's just pushing his luck (one extreme) or if he's got mental health issues (the other extreme) they can take appropriate action.

I don't know the guy. I don't know his history. All I know is, his behaviour is not normal and verging on extreme - so sending in some heavy to have a word in his ear may result in an abnormal reaction, just like his current behaviour is an abnormal reaction to what should be a very routine ending to a short-term relationship.

I suppose it depends on your definition of appropriate. There's really very little they can do in both circumstances.

Markcheese

Augme wrote:

I suppose it depends on your definition of appropriate. There's really very little they can do in both circumstances.

Well chances are he started all this without thinking it through... so probably hasnt covered his tracks, the nasty texts will be from his number, the social media stuff from his phone, computer,wi-fi provider what ever...
So the gardai would have enough to take a case if he didnt cop on, and enough to warrant geting barring orders ect... yes the penalty would be a slap on the wrist .. but the process would be a boot up the ass...

ivytwine

Sometimes a word from the guards is enough.

I have never luckily had to deal with this, but I think I have heard some rather positive reports on garda conduct in these things.

The vigilante route is madness. He may not turn violent, but he well could... Better let the professionals with stab vests deal with it than family members? And also as mentioned, it could give him ammunition to make his own complaints.

Also from a female perspective... I know my dad would definitely do something like this if he was asked, or probably even if he wasn't. But it's humiliating to think you need to rely on men to fight your battles for you, your word should be enough to end any relationship. Nobody is entitled to another person. I'd just feel useless and powerless if I was getting the menfolk to sort it out for me, if that doesn't sound ungrateful. I'd rather go the official route.

bonyn

Ideally, if you take the letters to the gardai, they might have a quiet word with him.

ahnow

Hi op,
Same as everyone else is saying to go to the gards. If he's done anything dodgy before he might be breaking conditions of his parole and they'd be able to sort it straight away.
Hope he gets lost fairly lively for you. Another option is to unblock on the phone and have a man phone him/answer the phone to him.

LegacyUser

Hey Everyone,

Thanks for your advice and apologies for the delay in getting back to you. Things escalated somewhat over the past couple of days. Basically, he keyed my car and slashed my tyres outside work on Wednesday evening/night. He didn't realise but, our car park is monitored by security guards and hidden CCTV. The Gardai were called as he was doing the damage. I told them the whole sorry tale and obviously security made the videos available, showing him doing the damage. As it turns out, I didn't know this person very well at all and he has previously been in trouble and been before the courts before for something similar, amongst other things.

Thanks everyone for your advice. Much appreciated!

Johngoose

AdviceNeeded2016 wrote: »

Hey Everyone,

Thanks for your advice and apologies for the delay in getting back to you. Things escalated somewhat over the past couple of days. Basically, he keyed my car and slashed my tyres outside work on Wednesday evening/night. He didn't realise but, our car park is monitored by security guards and hidden CCTV. The Gardai were called as he was doing the damage. I told them the whole sorry tale and obviously security made the videos available, showing him doing the damage. As it turns out, I didn't know this person very well at all and he has previously been in trouble and been before the courts before for something similar, amongst other things.

Thanks everyone for your advice. Much appreciated!

I think that is a good result.Obviously very distressing,but now you have the footage of him carrying out a crime.The guards can't deny the danger he poses to you.Count yourself lucky he didn't attack you with the knife.Get a restraining order against him and press charges with the car.Hopefully the scumbag will be locked up again for a long time.

pc7

Jebus, so glad footage is available and he's been caught. Glad you are physically ok too, I'm sure you're very shook. Just keep your wits about you for the next while, great idea from poster above re barring order. Use every means possible to deter him.

Midnight Sundance

Jesus!!
Glad you are ok after all that!!
It's a pity men like him can't be banned from going online dating sites.

tupenny

pablo128 wrote: »

Years ago my sister was in a similar situation. The asshole would wait till we were gone to work to ring and harass her. I stayed back one morning and as soon as the phone rang, (the house phone, she wouldn't at that stage answer to private numbers or his number) I answered it. It went dead after a few seconds and he never rang again.

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