Am I depressed or just a teenager?

LegacyUser

I'm 17 years old, female, and going into my Leaving Cert year in September. I've struggled with the mental side of things for maybe 3/4 years now but during the summer holidays, and this summer holiday in particular, it gets hard to deal with. I read a post on Reddit today that linked me to a page on a website called Hyperbole and a Half that I have read before, but a long time ago. In the post the author describes how she felt when she was depressed and it became obvious fairly quickly that I share almost all of her symptoms. At this point I was feeling quite...panicky and I really wanted to talk to someone so I checked if the Samaritans had some sort of "text hotline" and on THAT website, I read the typical depression symptoms and I've been crying all night since.

Basically what I'm looking for is some help. I understand it'd be best to talk to my parents but they don't really have the best attitude towards mental illness. I know that if I told them that I think I'm depressed they'd tell me to just stop being sad and that if I found something to do I wouldn't be like this. I'm probably closest to my sister but she would be really upset if she found out that I feel like this all the time. I don't have any particularly close friends, just people at school that I hang around with.

I'm just so apathetic. I feel like I don't deserve to feel like this; I'm well looked after, I have a roof over my head, my parents are loving and caring. I've shut myself off from my family. I've become really negative, mean, sarcastic, because I can't handle watching people be so happy when I just feel nothing. I spend most days alone in my bedroom on the internet or reading. The fact that there's very little to do in this town makes everything worse for me.

That's not to say that I never feel happy short-term. There are lots of things I enjoy but I can't seem to make myself do them. It's like I know that they will make me feel better but I just can't do them. I really enjoy travelling and getting out of the tiny parish I live in - time I spend in foreign countries/cities is when I'm truly happy and content. The rest of the time just blends together into monotony.

I've become really, really critical of myself. I hate my appearance, I hate my personality, I think I'm ugly. I look at pictures of celebrities and I hate how I look and act in comparison to them. The only thing I have going for me is my intelligence, and people constantly overestimate that. I put myself under a lot of pressure because people think I'm a genius, which I'm not. I just work my arse off and I really enjoy learning, which might be why I don't feel so crap during the school year.

I spend a lot of time thinking about the future. I'm really desperate to get out of this rut I'm stuck in - I can't wait to go to college, to pass my driving test, to live on my own, etc. But all these things seem very far away currently. I just feel so alone but I keep pushing people away from me and I don't know why. I know that I'm going to spend the whole of tomorrow at home by myself again and I'm dreading it so much. Everything about my life seems so grim and I can't see anything good about it at all. I lash out at people over the slightest things and people understandably shy away from me because of that. I hate the person I've become and I need some help.

I suppose what I'm looking for is some advice with regard to telling my parents about how I feel. I would like to go to a counselor but I know they'll be reluctant to do that. Plus I know that telling them about it is going to make it seem like I just want attention. How am I supposed to get myself out of this hole I've ended up in? Will this go away when I leave for college or am I going to feel like this forever? Is this a normal teenager thing?

Thanks so much in advance for any replies.

ivytwine

Aw OP my heart goes out to you. We can't give diagnoses here but it does seem to me to be a bit more than the usual teenage anxieties.

Does your school have a guidance counsellor? If you don't feel comfortable talking to your parents, is there any relative, an aunt or someone you can confide in? A friend's parent? Or a teacher?

There is help available, there's some great links at the top of this forum. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, but you're not alone and people do care x

Thoie

If I was in your shoes, I'd talk to my GP first off (actually that's a lie, I'd probably sit there thinking about talking to my GP a lot, and not actually doing it). But the right thing to do is talk to your GP. (Do as I say, not as I do )


If you need to you can make up a reason to go see the doctor if your parents ask. A funny smell/discharge "down there" should prevent too many questions.

Once you've seen the doctor and told her what's going on you can use that as the introduction to telling your parents. Say that the original problem you went in for turned out to be nothing, but while there the doc started asking some questions, and then said.... (whatever the doctor says when you tell her). If the doctor thinks a counsellor will help, they'll write you a referral letter which will be a help in explaining to your parents as well.

Xaracatz

Thoie wrote: »

If you need to you can make up a reason to go see the doctor if your parents ask. A funny smell/discharge "down there" should prevent too many questions.

Ah jeez. I don't know about the OP, but I'd have preferred to stick forks in my eyes than say that to my parents at that age (or this age..!)

Good advice though - and I said that one bit just in jest - but - Jaysus - not a hope I would have said that to my folks at 17!

Yah OP. You may be unfortunate in that even your post comes across as extremely articulate, so people may forget your age / expect too much of you.

Get yourself to a guidance counsellor / GP, and let them tell you the next best steps. You've identified that there's something not sitting right with you, so now it's time to let somebody else help.

In terms of talking to your parents, you could - show them your post here(!?), tell them you want to talk to a doc because you cannot build up energy and you want to know why, try explain again that you're just a bit overwhelmed and want to speak to somebody to try and sort out your college priorities.

I wish you best of luck. You have oceans of life ahead of you with college, driving licenses, new places to live (and that's just a small part of the next few years).

And - yeah - teenage years are angsty. Been there, wore the t-shirt, then took it off because it clashed with my mate's t-shirt.

Thoie

Xaracatz wrote: »

Ah jeez. I don't know about the OP, but I'd have preferred to stick forks in my eyes than say that to my parents at that age (or this age..!)

Good advice though - and I said that one bit just in jest - but - Jaysus - not a hope I would have said that to my folks at 17!

Granted, but I know even in my advanced years (having not lived at home for a long long time) if I said I was going to the doctor my mother would ask why. Out of concern, not nosiness! Anything else I can think of would have my mother saying either "show me" or "you don't need to go to the doctor for that". Something really embarrassing for everyone will ensure it's all glossed over really quickly

bonyn

Don't put too much emphasis on explaining things to your parents or sister, and don't expect them to fix it for you.

If i were you I'd go to my gp. Be careful about them prescribing antidepressants or anti anxiety meds. Hopefully they can steer you in the direction of a counsellor, perhaps one with experience in cbt.

Then, armed with your doctor's advice, ask your parents for money to pay for the treatment

You said you spend a lot of time online and reading. Reading a novel is fine, but if your reading also involves a screen and click bait articles, you really need to get out of this habit.

To feel better asap, ring your gp for an appointment. Turn your phone to airplane mode. Take long, quiet distraction free walks, preferable 2 of at least 1 hr each per day. Buy a self help book that gets good reviews.. something like "the power of positive thinking" or something on mindfulness.

Volunteer work can also get you out of a rut while developing your skills.

LegacyUser

"I suppose what I'm looking for is some advice with regard to telling my parents about how I feel. I would like to go to a counselor but I know they'll be reluctant to do that. Plus I know that telling them about it is going to make it seem like I just want attention. How am I supposed to get myself out of this hole I've ended up in? Will this go away when I leave for college or am I going to feel like this forever?"

As a parent of a child who has suffered from depression I would absolutely discuss this with your parents and sister if you can at all. It is hard for me to judge how to do it without knowing the situation, but just make sure you are listened to. Maybe announce over dinner that you would like to discuss something important with them later that evening, that will get their attention (maybe too much so).

Obviously I know nothing of your relationship with your family, but the relationship can seem, or even be, worse due to the depression. They will know something is wrong with your behavior, possibly even nag you to change behavior, without really understanding what the problem is. Finding out that you may have depression can actually be a relief to them. When you can start to understand the problem then you can start to work together to resolve it. With depression you can become withdrawn from friends, and may try, to some extent, to do that with family and therefore risk losing a support system that can be badly needed if you really are suffering from depression. Depression can in many respects be counter intuitive. It can take over and darken many aspects of your life yet it can also cause you to lose the motivation to take the necessary actions that might help overcome it - it can be good to have somebody to give you a well aimed poke now and then. Your family will not be trained to deal with this, and may not always be able to deal with the issues as sensitively as you might wish, but if you can learn to trust that they always will have your best interest at heart, it will go a long way towards helping you through this.

Whether or not you are clinically depressed, counseling can be a great tool to work through your personal issues with someone who will be non judgmental. My child, while initially a bit reluctant, was really enthusiastic after a very short period, and the counseling meeting became a very important part of his week. I believe this is typically the situation.

Statistics on outcomes for teenagers who suffer from depression are hugely encouraging once they reach out for help.

I realise everybody's experiences, relationships and sensitivities are different. My experience may not ring true with you, but I hope it is some help. Best of luck either way.

Lau2976

OP I'm sorry that your going through a hard time, whether it's caused by depression or not it isn't a pleasant experience.

As others have said speak to your GP. If you don't find that it is helping or they aren't guiding you in the right direction speak to another GP or try to get into counseling, some places do discounted rates (10-30) depending on both your circumstances and the experience of the counsellor.

It may be that you need to talk to
Someone or maybe it is something else but talking to someone is the first step to feeling better.

Mental health can be a scary topic for a lot of people but remember that it's your mental health and nobody but you can take care of it.

StupidLikeAFox

If you are really keen on learning why not take up an online course to challenge you and keep you occupied over the summer? There are loads of courses on https://www.edx.org/ which are are delivered by universities (some top ones like Harvard etc), so they are bound to be challenging and interesting

Victoria.

You sound a little like me when I was your age. I used to find the holidays in particular tough and too long. I too was always known as the 'bright' one and felt the pressure during the school year but lost what was 'special' about me during the summer holidays.

Could you maybe start your driving lessons over the summer holidays? You'd make a dent in them if you went out a bit over the next five weeks. Even just booking them meaning you'd have to be at a certain place at a certain time would get you going and out of your room. You'd get that and the sense of achievement or if you could be put on the insurance of someone else's car and they'd teach you in the evenings.

I used to get down at times and spend a lot of time retreating in my room but I was never treated for it. I still do that type of thing truth be told but I think it's part of my personality that I need a lot of alone time and re-charging. If you do feel like it's more than that for you I'd go down to a GP you like just for a chat. They're used to this and the fact that it's not a parent means they're impartial and there won't be a fight.

The looking like a celebrity and thoughts of that stuff is something that sounds like is taking up a lot of your time as well. You have to remember that people put their best self forward on Facebook even. If you look at my Facebook it appears that I'm having a great time, always traveling, never working, always happy. Far from the truth. I still look at my Facebook wall and get jealous / think people are having a better time than me and I'm mid 20s! Before I realise it's what people want me to see, the highlights of their life. I'm now sitting in my room, collapsed in my pajamas, makeup free and chilling with my dog! Facebook is showing the highlights of my dolled up holiday last week.

Anyway, don't be afraid of going to the GP if you're worried at all. If something is an issue for you it doesn't matter how serious it is. There's no such thing as 'not being disadvantaged enough to be depressed/low', 'ungratefulness brining you there', etc. Bad thoughts are sometimes irrational and if you're worried at all go in to the GP for a chat. Take care, don't worry about being mean / sarcastic to your family then hiding out in your room. It's a stressful way to operate but they'll always be on your side and they'll be there when you choose to come back out.

Getting back to school in Sept. and being busy will likely help you out, most of my identity centered around school and I found the summers rough. Even during college at times. Take care OP.

Parchment

You sound just like me when I was your age - I had a proclivity to be a little down and negative.

I can just tell you that I am fine now and I am 32 with my boyfriend who I love very much, we are buying a house and I made it out of my teen years! I wasn't sure I would but I promise you its gets better.

I have had some mental health blips along the way - my gp is a fantastic help and I had close friends I could talk to.

Everyone is just making it through life day by day. You sound like a sensitive soul who is really intelligent and you maybe over think things (like me) - its a curse and a blessing.

You can only be you in life - be ok with that because once you accept it all competition falls away. You sound so insightful - please be kind to yourself. Go to your gp for a chat - there is nothing to be lost by doing that.

Are you interested in films? books and films were my sanctuary as a teen, they occupied my mind and entertained me.

Look after yourself!