Stuck in the middle

LegacyUser

My sister-in-law and an extended family member are going through a very messy break up, it's being going on for nearly three years and, if anything, seems to be getting worse rather than quietening down.

I've insights into what happened during their relationship and it appears he was abusive; not physically but verbally and mentally, he was very controlling. This ended when the straw broke the camels back and she could take no more. Since the break up, there's been a serious incident that saw her hurt but the gardai were of little help (there's not enough evidence) They seem to think that it will calm down and it's nothing to do with them. Solicitors were consulted and they think it's a tit-for-tat battle, and there's not a whole lot they can do. It feels like it's going to come to a head at some point and by that time, it may be too late for any garda intervention.

I've seen both sides of the story and he's totally in the wrong. And if I speak up on her behalf, I'll be in trouble with this faction of the family - it's something I really don't want to do, for other reasons I don't want to go into. On the other hand, I feel like going up to him and knocking 7 shades of sh*t out of him - I know violence isn't the answer but it's incredibly frustrating to see this little weasel doing all this stuff and lying through his teeth to protect himself.

Any suggestions or clues on what to do?

DukeOfTheSharp

(Just a note OP, some people here think I'm for physical violence, and they haven't seemed to read your post properly, to make it clear: I'm asking you to stick up for your sister in law in court, talk to the gardai about behavior and they can put in safeguards to prevent bad backlash)

OP, best thing you can do is stick up for the sister-in-law, if you feel like things could escalate to the point where - and I'm quoting you here - "it may be too late for any garda intervention" then do the right thing and step in. [another note, this is my primary point, relating to the OP's predicament that he posits fear over]

If you're options are assaulting a lad who hurt her - who by his nature is a snake - and getting banged up, or ignoring it and risking this woman getting seriously hurt, then the choice is clear. [note freakin' 3: assaulting someone who plays the victim is a [B][U]BAD CHOICE[/U][/B], obviously, the same as ignoring someone's plight, so, by coming to a logical conclusion, one can see I'm referring back to my main point of step in and help her]

Take the shot in the arm, step up and maybe you can get this all sorted to a degree where the gardai can help calm the situation, with court help. [note 4, because why not? Again, go to the gardai, go to the court, get restraining orders if necessary]

December2012

Is she in contact with Women's Aid?

lifeandtimes

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

OP, best thing you can do is stick up for the sister-in-law, if you feel like things could escalate to the point where - and I'm quoting you here - "it may be too late for any garda intervention" then do the right thing and step in. If you're options are assaulting a lad who hurt her - who by his nature is a snake - and getting banged up, or ignoring it and risking this woman getting seriously hurt, then the choice is clear. Take the shot in the arm, step up and maybe you can get this all sorted to a degree where the gardai can help calm the situation, with court help.

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

OP, best thing you can do is stick up for the sister-in-law, if you feel like things could escalate to the point where - and I'm quoting you here - "it may be too late for any garda intervention" then do the right thing and step in. If you're options are assaulting a lad who hurt her - who by his nature is a snake - and getting banged up, or ignoring it and risking this woman getting seriously hurt, then the choice is clear. Take the shot in the arm, step up and maybe you can get this all sorted to a degree where the gardai can help calm the situation, with court help.

this is nit goid advice at all,do not under any circumstances commit an act of violence no matter how much you want too.

The best advice is be there for your sister in law in everyway you can,both mentally and physically i.e. when she needs a shoulder or someone to help her move out or get things done. If he is as you say he is she needs to walk away and be rid of him.
Situations like this have a way or working themselves out but going through courts and through the gardai are the best and most viable options

LegacyUser

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

OP, best thing you can do is stick up for the sister-in-law, if you feel like things could escalate to the point where - and I'm quoting you here - "it may be too late for any garda intervention" then do the right thing and step in. If you're options are assaulting a lad who hurt her - who by his nature is a snake - and getting banged up, or ignoring it and risking this woman getting seriously hurt, then the choice is clear. Take the shot in the arm, step up and maybe you can get this all sorted to a degree where the gardai can help calm the situation, with court help.

Terrible, terrible advice, do not do this OP, or even start to think this way.

You don't mention it, but why are the parties in conflict still in contact? Do they have some reason to be? What leads to the contact/incidents?

LegacyUser

lifeandtimes wrote: »

...Situations like this have a way or working themselves out but going through courts and through the gardai are the best and most viable options

This has been going on for 3 years now. Depending on the garda that she got at different incidents, their reactions ranged from "nothing to see here" to "we'll do something about it, eventually". They have intervened at times, with success but this was because she lucked out and got one that was willing to do something. The solicitors weren't a whole lot better. There was conflicting advice given by both gardai and solicitors. One garda would say "why didn't you do this" when another had said previously"it couldn't be done".

Excuse my ignorance, but what's Women's Aid?

Sapphire

Womens Aid is an organisation that supports and counsels women experiencing domestic abuse. They can advise and support her on court strategy, liase with legal help for her and lots lots more including practical help and counselling. They are brilliant.

https://www.womensaid.ie/

This part would be pertinent for you: https://www.womensaid.ie/help/someoneyouknow.html

Maybe see if Womens Aid could put her in touch with Gardai who are trained in domestic abuse cases, or a solicitor who is experienced in handling these kind of separations. It really does make a difference when the people helping you understand the complexities of the situation and understand that calm and reasonable separation will rarely work with a partner like that.