Was I being harsh ??

NicoM2k16

Hi Guys I’m a newbie here but heard great reviews from this site so I just want to tell a little story about my not-so-close friend. Well here it goes:
Lets call this friend “D”. D has a very high sex drive (main focus point) and a stunning girlfriend who is in her late 30’s he’s 34 btw. Anyway they have two children one of which was only born recently. D would often complain that he’s getting very little sex with his girlfriend since their first child was born three years ago. He got his GF pregnant again and within 3 months he was complaining again that he’s getting nothing at all so he decided to join a hook-up site and see what he could get out of that. He said he never met anyone from the site but he has been chatting to one girl which led to sexting. I honestly have no idea how long they were sexting but 6 months into her pregnancy, his GF checked his phone while D was asleep and found these sex messages. I honestly don’t know what made her check his phone but anyway she confronted him about this but he immediately grabbed his keys and left the house without saying a word to her. He came to mine to ask if he could stay for a few weeks till he gets himself sorted. I told him that sexting is cheating and what he did was wrong plus he’d be very lucky if she took him back. He tried to make out that he was the victim in front of me and our other close friend. He said that they argue all the time, struggling to make ends meet and she never wants to get intimate. He wasn’t pleased with me when I wasn’t showing any support for him and kept reminding him that it was him that f***ed up and he’d be lucky if she took him back. I know this lad for years and he has a reputation of having one night stands whilst in a relationship. He hates hearing the truth and tries to belittle me in front of the lads when push comes to shove which does be a regular occurrence and bit of banter I suppose. He stayed in my home for four weeks until the GF took him back but she told him it’ll take a long time to gain her trust and to be intimate again he was fine with that. Ever since he went back I haven’t heard from him, never rang me to tell me about the new born and that kind of bothered me. I don't know whether to confront him about been distant to me seeing as I gave him a bed to sleep on or was I been abit harsh on him well thanks for reading and any comments will be appreciated just wanted to get that off my chest.
Have a nice day

SB_Part2

He's probably embarrassed and ashamed of himself and is trying to distance himself because you called him out on it.

Tbh if I were you I'd be distancing myself from him as well. Do you really want a person like this in your life?

GingerLily

You were harsh, but it was necessary. It's hard to be a good friend to an a$$hole.

He should have acknowledged his gratitude for giving him a roof over his head, don't let him use you again.

pinkyx

OP, you were just honest. He did this entirely to himself and to his poor girlfriend and mother of his children. Then he ran away when he was caught, like a child. He needed to be told the truth and you told him.

He has nothing at all to be annoyed with you about, you provided him with a roof over his head for weeks when he needed it, despite it all being self inflicted. I have no idea why he would abandon the friendship now, but that's what it looks like he has done. Maybe Sp_part2 is right and he is embarrassed and shamed because you know the full story but I suspect it's further expression of his childishness and selfishness. You didn't pander to him when he turned up on your door step expecting to move in, you told him the truth and so you should. Some people can't take the truth and can't take criticism.

I wouldn't pursue the friendship if I was you OP. He sounds like he has no loyalty at all and little sense.

Jay Pentatonic

You didn't tell him what he wanted to hear. You told him what he needed to hear. Good on you for doing that.

Tough love is hard for some people to process. Sometimes people can confuse it with harshness or being mean, but what you said to him was the best for him in the long term. Having not heard from him in a while might just be a sign that he is still taking in and registering what you said.

Yes, he may have been having relationship challenges but that doesn't justify what he did. Hopefully this is the start of him turning things around, and if so, you helped him get there.

But you do say that he belittles you in front of the lads? There's a difference between being belittled in front of your friends, and then just guys giving each other sh*t and having some banter. So I echo what SB_Part2 said and encourage you to really ask yourself is this the kind of person you want in your life? Give yourself time to think about it.

blue note

I'd reserve a bit of sympathy for him to be honest. You never really know what was going on to lead to the cheating. Just in case there's more to it that your friend doesn't want to talk about or is too embarrassed or ashamed to talk about I'd leave the door open or probe him a little too see will he talk.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you really want to be friends with him? Do you want to know all about his exploits and then have to look at his gf knowing what you know? You don't know what made her check his phone?? I'd have a fairly good idea. Although he probably doesn't think so, she's not thick!

Be glad you're rid of him. Knowing as much as you do, you could easily get some of the blame when it all falls apart, or even get a reputation by association where women will steer clear.

Keane2baMused

blue note wrote: »

I'd reserve a bit of sympathy for him to be honest. You never really know what was going on to lead to the cheating. Just in case there's more to it that your friend doesn't want to talk about or is too embarrassed or ashamed to talk about I'd leave the door open or probe him a little too see will he talk.

What excuse/ reason is acceptable for cheating though?

Nobody is forced to remain in a relationship, they make that choice.

5rtytry56

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Be glad you're rid of him. Knowing as much as you do, you could easily get some of the blame when it all falls apart, or even get a reputation by association where women will steer clear.

^^ "grasping the nettle" for you OP.

GingerLily

blue note wrote: »

I'd reserve a bit of sympathy for him to be honest. You never really know what was going on to lead to the cheating. Just in case there's more to it that your friend doesn't want to talk about or is too embarrassed or ashamed to talk about I'd leave the door open or probe him a little too see will he talk.

She was pregnant with his child, in what situation is it okay to cheat on your pregnant partner?

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

You weren't harsh, you just didn't enable him playing the victim like he wanted. You've given him some tough love and a roof over his head in a time of need, you've been a good friend.

Presumably he's mental busy at the moment with the baby, give him a while and then reach out and ask him out for a drink or whatever. Hopefully now you've stood up to him like that he might stop his belittling.

Though to be honest you sound like this has made you reevaluate the whole friendship, and based on what you've told us I'd say that's wise. If you want to scale it back or even just let it die, I don't think you'll be regretting it on your deathbed. This man now has two small babies, an angry missus, and form for cheating. Wouldn't be surprised if he's back on your doorstep at some point, or he might try a softer touch than you.

Sound Bite

What do you get from the friendship?

Leafchick

Keane2baMused wrote: »

What excuse/ reason is acceptable for cheating though?

Nobody is forced to remain in a relationship, they make that choice.

Personally I think there is plenty that can go on in relationships that can be just as bad as cheating,People often treat their partners in a very damaging way, they ruin their self confidence, they're not emotionally supportive, people can be very cruel to the people they love sometimes.

And no people aren't forced to stay in relationships but when there are kids involved it can be very hard to leave, you're not just ending your relationship with your partner, you're giving up the family life also.

Skibunny77

Your advice wasn't harsh - you might reflect on whether you went on too much about it though. Sometimes it's better to give your opinion clearly once and then simply say 'you know my feelings on this mate' if the topic comes up. Preaching can be hard to stomach or appreciate, even when a person is in the wrong, I'm not sure if you feel that might be the case here?

NicoM2k16

Firstly I just wanted to say thanks very much for all of your opinions, greatly appreciated. Excellent points been made and I will seriously take on board on the advice being given. I won't let him use me like that again but then again he probably won't dare turn up on my doorstep when/if this happens again. I won't completely blank him and if he starts belittling me, I will pull him up on his own and let him know where he stands!! I will certainly distance myself away from him for a few months and keep any contact with him to the bare minimum. I won't be classing him as a close friend that's for sure but just an acquaintance. I probably won't even turn up for the christening if he invites me but we see how things pan out but some comments being made have opened my eyes and realise that this lad is a horrible nasty c**t !! Another friends GF can't stand him but that's another story anyway thanks very much to everyone who gave me some excellent insight and advice that will certainly be taking on board. Have a great day y'all

pookie82

He sounds like a grade A narcissist and an assh*le to boot. If you ask me you're well rid. There might be "nice" aspects to him ... long term mate, lots of history, good craic on the beer, blah blah, but deep down he sounds like a greedy child trapped in a man's body.

He sounds addicted to sex/attention to validate his ego. The majority of men will accept (and certainly by 34 years of age) that having two demanding young kids can put a halt to your sex life, or at least dramatically change it. Instead of having some understanding or working through this with her, he legs it the nearest hook up site. He has no respect for her or his young family.

Much like any addict, he will freeze out those who choose to point out the horrible truth to him. He wants his friends to enable him, not call him out. He wants a "lad banter" culture to back up and justify his selfishness, not someone who'll tell him some home truths and to cop the f&ck on.

Even if he does come crawling, I don't know would you want to be associated with someone who only entertains those who feed and help justify his utter bullsh*t. And I wouldn't be so free to offer him b&b again either ... despite telling him what's what, outwardly it looks like you're enabling his behaviour by helping him out after he's fu*cked up, could be the gf herself has told him to steer clear of you for a bit, in anger.

LegacyUser

You told him a few home truths which he need to hear. He might not have liked to hear this but the reality is a father to a child and newborn. It is time for him to grow up and realise that the world does not revolve around him and what he wants all the time.
He is lucky that his girlfriend took him back.

I feel that his girlfriend is embarrased about what has happened. She has a small child and a new baby and this is what he is up to. She may have told him not to be in contact with you as she wants as few people as possible to know about what he was up to.

If he does anything like this again I would not be their for him. Some people never learn from their mistakes but expect you to be their sort out their problems. I would keep some distance from him and let him contact you. I would regard him at this stage as someone you know but not as a great friend.

My feeling is that in time he will realise what you said was true. If he makes the same mistake again his relationship will end. If this happens I would tell him in a nice way to get lost. We all make mistakes but as an adult you have to learn from them and move on.

Idle Passerby

It's obvious he's avoiding you because you see through his spin and weren't afraid to speak up. He can't weave his web of lies if there's someone saying "that's bull****". He only wants friends who will tell him it's OK to cheat on his pregnant girlfriend and will be complicit in covering it up. It's as simple as that.

And to be clear, you were dead right in calling him out. He sounds like a total worm.

Keane2baMused

Leafchick wrote: »

Personally I think there is plenty that can go on in relationships that can be just as bad as cheating,People often treat their partners in a very damaging way, they ruin their self confidence, they're not emotionally supportive, people can be very cruel to the people they love sometimes.

And no people aren't forced to stay in relationships but when there are kids involved it can be very hard to leave, you're not just ending your relationship with your partner, you're giving up the family life also.

Yes that's all true and I didn't state otherwise.

Cheating however is not excusable. We all make our choices.

Leafchick

Keane2baMused wrote: »

Yes that's all true and I didn't state otherwise.

Cheating however is not excusable. We all make our choices.

I think lots of things are not excusable in relationships and are on a par with cheating, that's the point I was trying to make.

LegacyUser

This lad is a user, pure and simple. He uses people, gets what he wants from them and disposes of them when they are no longer useful to him. His pregnant girlfriend, his friends who bail him out, girls he just wants for a bit of fun. He thinks of himself and his own needs. Nobody else features. I'm going to guess he isn't all that much help to his gf with 2 small children, too busy going after what HE wants. He would never stop to think that the reason his gf isn't as affectionate or sexual anymore is because she is doing all the child rearing, housekeeping etc. and she has realised he's only interested in her for sex on tap. That he's not actually all that bothered about her, or how busy/tired she is.

I wouldn't be telling him any home truths or anything from now on OP, just avoid him. He can do it to you, so why do you think you owe him the courtesy of friendship/acquaintance?