Oh the Joys....

LegacyUser

Hi.
I have just come to the realisation that I have lost all hope. Hope for the future, hope for normality.
I am a single mum with three children, my ex husband left when my youngest was 18 months, and that child is nine now and hasn't seen his dad for five years. I have two older children aswell. When he left(for another woman-which didn't work out anyway), he left me deep in debt 100k+, closed our business and has never given a penny to raise our children. Thankfully I have a good job and have nearly cleared all the debt, but that is my life.....work....home...work . One of my children has significant special needs and even if and when I get holidays I can't go anywhere, or do anything. Going to lidl is a trial for me. the child is autistic and severe at that, and I'm so tired of people staring at me when he sits on the ground/screams... etc etc etc. I need to do this for him, to socialise him somehow, no matter how hard it is, but the constant tut tutting just has grated my reserve. A day out is out of the question....we have tried on many occasions, but then it's like roulette when you get there because you don't know what the reaction will be, and the other kids just don't even want to anymore, they are so embarrassed. I have no family around me, and can't move home to where I'm from because the school place would be lost, I can't move house because I can't afford it, I can't build on a special room for him because I don't qualify for the grant....
I would love more than anything to be able to go on a normal holiday, and while I could afford it, and am thankful I can, we just can't.
I have worked myself to the bone for nearly twenty years, and I'm just so tired that I can't function, but yet I want to give the others the best education etc that I can.
I am so lonely that I feel like every day I'm dieing inside....bit by bit....
I tried dating,(have never gotten as for as introducing anyone to the kids) and all is grand until the elephant in the room of having a special needs child comes in to the mix. So I just gave up. And anyway I have no time.
I always had some hope....hope things would improve....hope that he would speak....hope that something good would happen, I never gave up. Years of all my leave going on appointments, making sure they are all well fed, well dressed and want for nothing, but now I am left just a shell of myself.
I guess I'm not really looking for advice, because my own advice to myself is and has always been 'suck it up and get on with it'. I know there are people so much worse off than me, but it's only now that the whole thing has hit me. My heart is broken, for my child,and the others who will have to look after him when I eventually die, for myself and my deep lonliness , and my hope is just gone. The way things have gone with care homes etc , I will have to outlive him. Over my dead body will I allow him to be treated like the recent scandals.
Sorry for my rant, really.... I just had to get this off my chest before I went to bed, so I might get a few hours kip.
Thanks for listening.

Merkin

Your post makes for such sad reading. Everyone has a limit and I'm glad you're getting things off your chest, it seems like you're carrying the can and shouldering responsibility for everyone and for such a long time. It doesn't sound sustainable.

Have you been in touch with Autism Ireland or the HSE? It sounds terribly simplistic but if you can get some respite care and take a weeks holidays with the two older kids it would probably be hugely beneficial to you and to your little boy with autism as having that much needed break would do you all good. Have you looked into respite care?

There's also a forum within Boards entitled ASD Parenting which is for parents with kids on the autism spectrum. You may find it a useful place to reach out to other parents, a lot of whom would undoubtedly empathise with you.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=1648

Yellow pack crisps

You are so strong and what you have done is to be fully applauded and i am full of admiration for you. As for the father i can guarantee you he is in a worse hell than you ever will be for at least you can be so proud of raising three kids and giving them everything and especially your love which is the most important bit. He will grow old and die with regret and always guilt.

I am sometimes that person in the supermarket looking at the parent of a child screaming and throwing a tantrum but I'm not looking out of tutting i am always just thinking how hard it must be and hope it gets better. I also think there is much more awareness about autism now that people can spot signs when a child is on the spectrum and maybe this is why they are staring. In all honesty who with a child has not worried that their child has some aspect of autism and googled it at one stage or another and would be aware of some of the behavioural traits. My point being two fold. Some maybe just projecting their own fears and others might be just looking sympathetically and others who are tutting: f88k them! You have done an amazing job raising not one but three kids and one with special needs you dont need to feel insecure as a parent you need to feel proud of yourself, in fact proud as punch.

There is support groups of other parents with children with special needs that meet and form networks of support and outings and stuff like that which i think would be great for you and your child if you embraced that and became part of it and it would be maybe good for you also to have some friends with this in common as sometimes it feels like we are alone in the world but there is plenty of people in similar situations and who face similar things you are facing and obviously for you it would be great to have chats with those who you can identify with.

Don't give up on your own happiness either and your own life. You have worked damn hard to get you and your family to where you are now and you have ignored your own happiness for long enough and now you just need to find a way to find a middle path that gives you breathing space and some fun in life and i am sure a person with your capabilities will figure it out. Best of luck.

Rubberchikken

you sound like you're doing your very best but everyone needs support and a break. there will always be those who stand in judgement and tut when they see kids behaving in a way they consider unacceptable. i realise it's easy for me to say to just ignore them but you literally have to. your son's welfare must come before their narrow-mindness.
on the holiday idea, is there anyone that could come with you to give you help and let you spend some quality time with your children?
sorry to have nothing concrete to add, i realise you must feel very tired and struggling alone at times and i'm truly sorry for that.

take care

Whispered

I have no real advice but I could not read and not comment. You sound like a very inspirational woman. Respite is a great idea if it can be arranged. Would live in help be an option? Sort of like an aupair with the skills to deal with your sons special needs.

Rekop dog

Post is both poignant and inspirational, hard to comprehend the actions of your ex but it's got to be eating away at him every day unless he's a complete sociopath. Makes those who milk our social services without ever working, or protest against a necessary water charge seem extra pathetic too. Keep inspiring!

LegacyUser

I have to say I was very impressed by your post. You worked hard & have faced all your responsibilities, which is a lot more than I can say for your ex partner.

Hopefully money will become a bit more plentiful now that the debt is almost paid off. Would you consider hiring a home care assistant for a few hours a few? Even if it was 2 hours to let you get out for a coffee, go for a walk, just some time for yourself.

What about going to see a councilor? Just having someone to talk to is always good.

LegacyUser

Op you are an inspiration. Would you have a look at someone like an aba tutor to come work with him and give you a break?

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi
I have read your post. Well done on the job of raising your family. I know it must be very hard for you raising a kid with autism. I have Aspergers Syndrome I was diganoised with it when I was 6 years old. Restpite sounds like a great idea for your son try contacting Autism Ireland or the HSE and find out any restpite services that your son can go to. That way when your son goes for restpite breaks you can have the opportunity to maybe go on a holiday with your other two children and also focus on yourself. With regards to his behaviour problems my advice to you is to just stay calm and find out what triggered it it could be that he was oversimulated or a noise or change and if he kicks off in public for example in a shop then take him out and wait outside until he has calmed down again as this will now cut down on your embarrasment. Also find out if there are any support groups for parents of children with special needs and join them. It would do both you and your son the world of good as you will make friends with other parents and that way you know youre not alone and ye can go on outings and meet up together and so on. I know its hard at the moment but it will get easier over time.
Best of Luck and Well Done with everything.

Keane2baMused

OP do you receive Home Support/Respite?

If not so far contact the service your son is under and ask about applying. You need to be brutally honest about how tough things are.

I was very skeptical and nervous about the whole thing initially, we were granted 6 hours a week (3 hours × 2) and it has been absolutely amazing for us all. My son loves it and we get the respite we need.

LegacyUser

OP here.
Thank you all so much for your kind replies, and advice. All duly noted
In the words of Gloria Gaynor ...."I will survive!"
Thanks for the support. Got a great night's sleep after getting it off my chest !