Some direction needed

veganrun

So I'm male, 39, single and back living at home with some family. This was by choice. I had been living and working in Dublin mostly since I was 21. However I had found myself stuck in a bit of a rut there and things came to a head last year. I was kind of stressed in my job and was getting a bit fed up where I was living for different reasons. A year or two earlier I'd also had an unexpected medical condition appear out of the blue which while it wasn't serious, gave me a bit of a shock and made me think about moving back closer to home. I also have issues with anxiety and very mild depression/low mood but touch wood, they're mostly under control and I regularly see my GP. I'm not a very confident person as such either and very hesitant about most things. I'm single and never had a long term relationship, although I was always open to one, the relationships I did have with women never lasted that long. I don't own a home either, I've always rented so I don't have my own place.

So I moved home last year and found a job in Belfast as my contract was ending in Dublin and I didn't want to renew it. It was a stressful time moving and starting a new job and my anxiety re-occurred but it's mostly under control now hopefully. Due to all this, I figured it was a good idea to live at home with some family until things settled down and I got a feel for the job etc, even though this meant a 90 minute commute each way to work in Belfast. Cut to 1 year later and I am still living at home and commuting to Belfast. My social circle and life is non-existent. While I was never one of these people who felt the need to be out all the time, I know it's not good for me to have such a limited social environment. I literally go to work and come home and that's it, nothing else.

Outside of my family I don't really have any friends left here. My best friend growing up moved to Australia this week and he was the only one I sort of kept in touch with. I joined a Couch to 5k running programme a few months ago to try and be more social and get exercise too but got injured a week and a half into it and had to stop for a few weeks, by which stage it was too late to re-join and catch up.

I live in a small rural town with a population of about 3000 so there's not exactly a lot going on. Job wise the job market around where I live isn't great for the type of work I do which is to be expected as it's a country area, so if I do decide to change jobs at some point, I'm more than likely going to have to look at somewhere else in Belfast.

I think I probably need to make a few changes. Part of me wants to move back to Dublin but I'm not ready or willing to do that just yet. I guess my other option is to move to Belfast but again I don't know many people there either, apart from work colleagues and one other family member, I've no friends there really.

I suppose what I'm wanting to avoid is moving to Belfast and ending up in the same boat as before, not going out or anything and just staying in most of the time being miserable. I'm a bit concerned this is more likely due to the fact I know so few people there. I was texting a good friend of mine in Dublin who said new friends are never far away, which I guess is good advice. I lived on my own in Dublin which I liked but since moving home it's been nice having people around, but again it's family and I don't think I want to go back to sharing after so many years living by myself.

I guess I'm just looking for some advice. I think I know what I need to do but wouldn't mind some other opinions, especially from others who've been in a similar boat.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

I think that the combination of low confidence and anxiety is a potent one. A lack of confidence makes it difficult to believe you can approach people, and if you do make that approach, anxiety makes you question how successful it was, where you went wrong, and so on. In other words, it's a combination that makes "baby steps" hard.

If your anxiety is relatively under control, that's a good start. A bit of self-kindness is all that's needed now: no-one is watching you or judging you half as much as you think - go out, strike up a conversation and fall flat on your face if needs be. Nearly everything we need or enjoy in life has a contrived or embarrassing element to it, but that usually doesn't hold us back.

It's tough to introduce yourself, tell someone your name, shake their hand and ask them a question, because we'd prefer not to look like we're cravenly seeking society. Just like we prefer to pretend we don't go to the bathroom or play with ourselves. But it's healthy to do those things, and we're social beings: it's healthy not to be alone. There's a big difference between solitude and loneliness.

I'd encourage you to go out on a limb with people just a little bit - as long as neither you or they are an axe murderer or something. If things go well with a person or in a group, mention that you're looking for people to hang out with, get a phone number. Yeah, it's awkward, but allow yourself to get a little bit indebted to awkwardness, you'll be richer socially in the long run.

via4

Maybe if you could kind of do both. Maybe commute a few days then half the week maybe on a Thursday Friday and Saturday stay in a b& b and look up joining some clubs up in Belfast to get you out and about up there. That way your not tying yourself into a year lease and there's no pressure there. Get a bit of a feel for the place and look up those meet up groups if you feel you could go to one. Also if there are work nights coming up join your colleuges for a night out and get to know them outside of work and have the craic. Keep a change of clothes in work so your always prepared for after work drinks or nights out or even stay in hostels where there are more people about to chat and have company. We all fall into that rut of just gong to work n coming home so hobbies are always a great way of breaking that cycle and keeping us busy. Also maybe try tinder but not with the expectation of meeting the love of your life just for meeting new people around Belfast because I'm a girl and there are plenty of single girls in Belfast that would love to meet up during the week with a nice guy and go for a quiet drink or dinner or cinema things like that. I know there can be time wasters on tinder of course but you can be lucky sometimes and just meet a decent person who likes to go out and meet new people and have the craic. I hope this helps best of luck and I hope things go well for you

veganrun

Thanks for the replies.

I have been on dating sites including Tinder a lot over the years but got fed up with them and closed any accounts I had 9 or 10 months ago and haven't rejoined, which is unusual for me as normally I'd rejoin after a month or two's break but I've lost all interest in them. I'm trying to get fitter and lose weight so even if I was going to go back on them, I want to leave it a while longer. I kind of have zero interest in dating at the moment. Not sure why, it just seems like a huge amount of effort that never pays off. I was on a few sites after moving home and a few girls wanted to meet but I was sort of "meh" about it all and never arranged anything. Which is stupid as it does require some effort on my part, just like anything does.

Funnily enough I did "meet" a girl back in November but it was actually someone who was my neighbour growing up. I had a thing for her back in the day but had completely forgotten about her after we left school. Unfortunately I don't think she's that interested which is fair enough.

The B&B type idea is something I was considering. The funny thing about work nights out is that my reaction is to automatically say no. I'm not sure why that is. As soon as anything sort of social is mentioned, like a team lunch out or social club thing, my automatic reaction is to recoil and say no. In fact unless it's some sort of team thing I have to go to, I say no. The social committee has organised a few things but I haven't went to any. I guess one reason is that no-one on my team goes so I don't want to seem like some loser who has no-one to talk to so people feel obliged to talk to me and sometimes I'm not that chatty so I feel like I come across as boring with no personality.

Even just a few weeks ago they had some social gathering in the canteen and I went along but felt so out of place and uncomfortable/didn't know what to do, that I left almost immediately. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't out of control discomfort, just not that nice. I kind of get very self conscious and jumpy and almost feel like I'm too warm and I feel itchy. It's stupid.

I joined Meet up a few days ago but sure enough, everything is in Belfast mostly!

veganrun

Think I'm a bit clearer on what to do. I've kind of made my mind up to move to Belfast I think. I'm not in a position to do so right this minute, but perhaps in a month or two. Been looking at some places to rent online but not really seen anything that I wanted to go view. Also work has been irritating me a bit over the last few days so I want to see if that improves.

In my mind I think I should give Belfast a try for a while, maybe a year at most and if I don't like it, go back to Dublin.

Having zero luck on Tinder btw!

via4

Well done seems like you have a plan in place, there's a fb page called girlcrew mixed events they always have stuff on
Leave tinder be if it is annoying you I go through phases with it don't take it too seriously I guess
Good luck

veganrun

Don't speak too soon. Part of me thinks if I'm eventually going to want to move back to Dublin, that I should just stay where I am until that happens, rather than waste time moving to Belfast. But then again, maybe it won't be a waste of time. Argh!

via4

You will never know until you try vegan run, I think your stressing about something that is actually really excIcing. Moving to a new city broadening your horizons and it's not permanent which removes the pressure. I hear of people having friends all over the world cos they have travelled and stayed in different places. Give it a try t least I would love to have your dilemma

veganrun

Thanks. You are probably right. I can't move anywhere at the moment anyway as my car is still in the garage after 4 weeks. Who'd have thought a small seal being broke would turn into such a big job.