Too Shy?

LegacyUser

Just looking for some opinions.

Im a 22 year old lad and have found myself struggling to connect with the opposite sex lately.
I used to be very shy years ago but I felt that I had addressed this issue. However, I am beginning to think that my problem may still be shyness at pivotal times.
Unlike years ago, I now feel comfortable talking to women and have plenty of female friends and am surrounded by women at work which I am comfortable with.

I don't drink and don't get out often (when I do go out, I wouldnt be the most confident to approach a woman which isnt ideal).

Also I have been told that I am too nice. One example of this would be when I had just started working at my current job few weeks ago. One of the women I work with was being moody cos she couldn't get off as a friend was home for a short period. She was short with me at one point and I had no problem as I understood her frustration and she immediately realised how she came across and apologised saying she was sorry for being a bitch. I said listen dont worry at all, ya don't have to explain yourself. Her reply was 'ah you're too nice a guy'. Now this was a woman that I had only met the week before and she got that vibe from me.
I wonder if I am putting myself into the friend zone almost immediately as I may not seem the most suave and cool, more homely and nice.

Any opinions on how to help my love life? Thanks

LegacyUser

AnonymousPoster wrote: »

Just looking for some opinions.

Also I have been told that I am too nice. One example of this would be when I had just started working at my current job few weeks ago. One of the women I work with was being moody cos she couldn't get off as a friend was home for a short period. She was short with me at one point and I had no problem as I understood her frustration and she immediately realised how she came across and apologised saying she was sorry for being a bitch. I said listen dont worry at all, ya don't have to explain yourself. Her reply was 'ah you're too nice a guy'. Now this was a woman that I had only met the week before and she got that vibe from me.

You're putting way too much weight on a throwaway remark from a colleague who barely knows you.

AnonymousPoster wrote: »

the friend zone

...is a total myth. Plenty of couple started as friends and the best couples are still friends, regardless of any additional attraction. I've yet to meet a couple that managed to be happy without being friends. The myth seems to have grown from fellas who would rather blame some mythical zone than simply admit the object of their affections doesn't see them the same way and they picked up non-existent signals.

AnonymousPoster wrote: »

Any opinions on how to help my love life? Thanks

Yes, get out there and make a load of mistakes to develop your experience and find social situations other than going out, shyness won't be an issue if you're hillwalking, playing table tennis or boardgames, or learning the guitar together. Also, stop seeing shyness as some sort of barrier or character flaw, it's not and the right girl will love it, just like you'll love the bits of her that she wants to change but you can't understand why she does.

Katgurl

Hi OP,

It definitely doesn't sound like you're too shy if you can make friends of both sexes in work etc. Regarding the "too nice" comment, that was a compliment and her way of continuing to apologise. It sounded like she owed you an apology too.

A cheerful pleasant nature is not to be underestimated, please don't change it. Girls certainly like it (I know, I am one). And I'd never recommend trying to be someone else, it won't work.

Now onto the friendzone problem; is there anyone you actually like / have liked recently?

LegacyUser

Katgurl wrote: »

Hi OP,

It definitely doesn't sound like you're too shy if you can make friends of both sexes in work etc. Regarding the "too nice" comment, that was a compliment and her way of continuing to apologise. It sounded like she owed you an apology too.

A cheerful pleasant nature is not to be underestimated, please don't change it. Girls certainly like it (I know, I am one). And I'd never recommend trying to be someone else, it won't work.

Now onto the friendzone problem; is there anyone you actually like / have liked recently?

Thank you for your reply. There have been a good few women I have liked over the last few months. I got a few No's while asking some women out and another one I liked went cold on me after I had been chatting her a good bit. I have no problem with them not wanting to go out with me, its their decision but it gets a little disheartening after a while.

Buckfast W

Used to happen to me when I was younger that all the girls thought I was "the sound one" out of my friends. Iv'e never been to into meeting women in clubs or pubs just from more day to day or work activities. Some women will of course see you as just a friend but some will want to rip your clothes off as well, just depends on the woman. Nice guys don't always finish last. If your friendzoned then just move onto the next.

Augme

Given the description you probably are putting yourself into the friend-zone. It's not really a question of niceness, but more about confidence. If you are constantly saying yes to you friends and generally being a bit of a push-over then this will put off a lot of women. I was similar to you when I was younger but then as I got older I got naturally more confident, I was better at standing up for myself and expressing my own opinions and I noticed that my success with women increased and I was also better at flirting which basically was essential for making the step from potential friend to potential partner.

LuckyLloyd

I suffered a terrible lack of confidence as a teenager and ended up in a similar situation to yourself in my early twenties - I had established a very good mixed group of core friends including some very good female friends and was fine at engaging with people on that level but still had underlying confidence issues when it came to women from a romantic perspective.

First off, don't think "nice" is the issue. Being a nice person is never a negative, and treating women (and people generally) with respect will always be the way to go.

The issue you're probably having is that you're afraid they'll say no. That you'll ask them out and they'll turn you down. That you'll lean in for the kiss and they'll turn a cheek. That ultimately they'll see you're nervous and think you're not funny or you're not interesting or whatever. That stuff eats you up. But it's absolutely normal. There are tons of men out there that fear the same things.

The fix here is two fold:

- embrace being you. Sounds cheesy, but engage your hobbies; enjoy every opportunity to hang out with your friends*; and fix thing you can control like staying fit and healthy and presenting yourself well
- take the leap. Walk over and talk to the girl you made eye contact with. Ask for a number. Lean in for the kiss. And don't be afraid to try again with the next girl you see that you like

The first bit is the easy one. You can get that nailed on, and if you're a nice guy with good friends rest assured you can get the second bit right too even though it seems a million miles away at times.

*One thing I would say:

I don't drink and don't get out often

You don't have to drink, but you need to get out into the world. And that doesn't mean doing things you hate either. But take every opportunity to do fun things with your friends. Go to that house party. Go to that gig. Go and see that terrible movie where a friend of a friend might be there...

Best of luck!

Fotografica

I would recommend you watch Real Social Dynamics youtube videos

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

I would call myself a confident person but I do agree that I am not the most confident when it comes to approaching women. I don't believe nice guys finish last as plenty of my friends are top guys and have awesome ladies.
I think my problem may be that I stay in nice mode too often instead of going into flirty mode. However the times, I have gone a but flirty I have got some rather cold responses from women which may mean as someone said, ive got to try and not fear being rejected and just go for it. There one or two single women that I fancy now and would love to ask them out but I don't get the best feeling that it is mutual so surely it isn't worth making things awkward between us.

LuckyLloyd

AnnonymousPoster wrote: »

There one or two single women that I fancy now and would love to ask them out but I don't get the best feeling that it is mutual so surely it isn't worth making things awkward between us.

I remember those thoughts well. Maybe they also like you? Maybe they'd never consider you liked them? And ask yourself this: if it ended up being awkward what have you lost? Unfortunately the perfect serendipitous moment where two people realise their feelings for each other happens in films but rarely in real life. You need to articulate your romantic interest, and rest assured that good people will say "no" (if it happens to be "no") in a kind way and not hold it against you. Whatever it is you think you'll lose in such a scenario will be more than compensated by gaining clarity in your own head.

Bottom line? It's not going to happen if you never try. So go for it!

LegacyUser

I find that a lot of women can be quite embarrassed by the asking out technique. Nowadays it seems to drunk meeting on a night out.

LegacyUser

Hi

Just an update regarding the woman i said I liked and wanted to ask out. She sent me a snap about a recurring joke we have this morning. Now I would rarely get snaps from her but the butterflies in the stomach and the smile on my face that I could not hide was nice.
Still don't think she is interested romantically but the feeling of someone that you like, liking you must be pretty awesome.