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don't click with the in laws

  • 19-07-2016 10:12pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 440 ✭✭


    It's sad to say but I don't have any great gra for my in-laws. It's mainly the siblings, not the parents, who to be fair, are lovely. They live a distance away which suits me fine. I dread the day my husband raises the question of us moving to his town as I would be totally miserable. Seeing them once every 4-6wks is plenty. It's sad because my hub misses his family greatly and he is the only one not "at home". And they are an extremely close family, as in in each other's pockets, everyone knows everything and it's polar to mine. My family get on well, are very loyal but we all live apart so we don't see each other that often so maybe that's why! Plus I'm a very private person, my husband shares EVERYTHING with EVERYONE in his family and I struggle with that.

    As regards the siblings, the main thing is that we have nothing in common. So, I struggle to have anything much to talk about with them. I feel like the outsider as I'm not from their town so i'm "different". They have all grown up in this town and married local and never moved so it's very clicky. I'd never survive living there, so at least that's a blessing. His parents are great tho. They visit us so we see them more often and I do like them coming.

    Everyone calls to each other's houses and back again. And then we are going for a walk but the sister comes too or I'm going shopping and the sister in law is invited to come with us. The same conversations / news gets told on each visit. And it's small stuff that;'s news. maybe it's the small town thing.

    I guess I do feel that I*'m the outsider because they are the Clan. We have a group thing on Whatsapp to share news and photos. Whenever there's a birthday of any of them, it's all over the chat. I have yet to see happy birthday to me. I have had family illness, left a job, got a new job, had a BIg Birthday and not a mention, only from his parents who to be fair are always interested in my family and what's going on for me.

    Anyway, there's loads more than that but that's a bit off my chest. I know the in-laws can be a contentious one but I do envy those who get on great with theirs and are even friends with their siblings in law. My hubs gets on very well with my siblings and in-laws on my side. They text each other, meet up for golf/ drinks, have to share a joke e.g. if it's to do with sport. My family are mad about my husband. They click really well.

    Sometimes, I think it's because I'm seen as the outsider cos I'm not a local and I'm the one who has kept the one son/ brother away from home.


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,512 ✭✭✭baby and crumble


    TBH op, sometimes you just have to chalk things up to chemistry and move on.

    I'd be similar to you in that my family are spread out, we don't see or talk to each other much but when we do it's great. But like, I wouldn't be running to them for every little thing. The thoughts of a family group text chat fills me with horror. We're all quite private and always have been. I get on ok with my brothers wives, but we wouldn't be best mates now, and that's fine. They have their own family. I Might get a text on my birthday but that's only because it comes up on FB.

    My GF's side is nearly the polar opposite. In each others pockets, my GF mam calls her every day, they see each other 3-4 times a week... It's mad. Now, she doesn't have any siblings but there's a big extended family that I don't really have anything in common with, except her. It's awkward as hell, but meh. Nobody says you have to be best friends with your in-laws. The main thing is you seem to get on great with your parents-in-law. I'm like that and that's really all that matters I reckon. Siblings-in-law is a weird relationship anyway if you ask me. Don't dwell on it.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 577 ✭✭✭K_P


    Sounds like you don't have the best relationship with your in laws, but it's far from the worst either. There doesn't seem to be a huge amount of dislike on either side, just that you're very different people with nothing in common who would never have anything to do with each other were it not for your marriage.

    Rather than focus on what you don't have with them, try to appreciate the friendly if distant relationship you do have and how lovely your mother and father in law are. You could have in laws that are outright hostile towards you and go out of their way to upset you. Maybe it's not much, but there are people who would love the kind of relationship you have.

    The only worry I would have would be you mention you dread the day your husband suggests moving back to his home town. Is this something that's on the cards for you both? Have you discussed it before? You seem to know you would hate living there so you have to be firm on that. Don't feel guilty because you've taken or are keeping your husband away from his home. You're married, a partnership, so you both need to be happy with where you live. Don't sacrifice your own happiness and that of your marriage because of this.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,378 ✭✭✭✭jimmycrackcorm


    My impression may be a generalisation but based on my mrs, her sisters, my sister's and my SIL's is that the girls don't gravitate very much to their in-laws, being much closer to their own families. The guys are more relaxed, even to the point that I myself spend most Christmases with my in-laws instead.

    Buy I think you're missing a huge opportunity to get involved with his family. Think it as if you're adopting then. Unless they're a nasty bunch they'll be adopting you in return.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 440 ✭✭paddles


    K_P wrote: »
    Sounds like you don't have the best relationship with your in laws, but it's far from the worst either. There doesn't seem to be a huge amount of dislike on either side, just that you're very different people with nothing in common who would never have anything to do with each other were it not for your marriage.

    Maybe this is it. NOTHING in common. Would never give each other the time of day if not married to their brother/ brother in law. But they are in my life. QED.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 440 ✭✭paddles


    K_P wrote: »

    The only worry I would have would be you mention you dread the day your husband suggests moving back to his home town. Is this something that's on the cards for you both? Have you discussed it before? You seem to know you would hate living there so you have to be firm on that. Don't feel guilty because you've taken or are keeping your husband away from his home. You're married, a partnership, so you both need to be happy with where you live. Don't sacrifice your own happiness and that of your marriage because of this.

    I think it's more my silent dread but not likely to happen. I had just relocated back to my home county when we met, after years of waiting on a transfer opportunity and after living away from my home county for many years, so a tough decision in one way but I wanted and needed to be close to my elderly parents so I am not going anywhere for now. I also have rebuilt my home connections , am back in regular contact with my cousins and relatives and ...settled. He knows that too but what's to stop him asking years down the tracks when my parents pass on...Cross that bridge etc but this is where I want our kids to grow up. At the end of the day, it's my family or his but he's more settled here than I would ever be there.


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  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Is there somewhere in the middle that ye can meet - it reads like you're essentially digging your heels in and insisting that he lives in your hometown forevermore. You said it yourself - it's your family or his, you've rebuilt your connections, in contact with your family and friends - that's not a healthy view at all. Where does your husbands opinion come into this.

    Has he even suggested moving to his hometown?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 577 ✭✭✭K_P


    I had incorrectly assumed that neither of you were living in your home place and were both somewhere you had no connections to. If he's moved to your home town to be with you, well then if the issue ever arises that does hugely weaken your position. You wanted and needed to be close to your parents and you go to be. You've been able to rebuild all your connections with family and friends. He's never had the opportunity to do that and, if this becomes an issue for him, I could understand how resentment might build up over it.

    Rather than living in silent dread of the day it's mentioned, how about you properly talk about it. Ask him is he happy living where you are. Let him know you appreciate how him moving to your home town has allowed you to have your family in your life so much. Ask him would he ever see himself wanting to move back to his home town. At least then you'll know where you stand and won't be living in fear of the day the subject is broached. If it becomes an unspoken issue between you, you can be sure that by the time he raises the subject he'll already have made up his mind about wanting to move.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Mod Note
    Gwynplaine - welcome to PI/RI, please read our charter. We have a certain standard expected here due to the nature of the issues and messing about or larking only results in cards.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,903 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    From your post it seems you're not in your family's pocket, but they do include your husband in things and you think that's lovely. His family seem to include you (you mention walks and going shopping) but you're not happy with that because you don't particularly like them/the topics of conversation. That's fine. But you are effectively giving out about his family (trying to) include you, yet congratulating your own family for being so nice to him!

    You don't have to really click with them. People are different. As you said, they're not the type of people you'd mix with ordinarily. That's not actually their fault! Some people live a "simpler" life and the neighbours and locality is all they need for their daily news/reviews! It doesn't make them bad people. Slightly uninteresting to you if you don't care about the neighbours, granted! But not bad people. You're probably not the type of person they'd usually hang around with either, yet they do put in a bit of effort.

    You don't have to be pally with them, but you should just be civil. Same as they seem to be doing with you. Politely accept offers of going for a walk with you, or shopping, whatever. I get the impression from your post that you can barely hide your feelings from them. Even if you think you're hiding it well, there will be nuances of your behaviour that will give you away. Maybe they are picking up on it?

    You don't like his family. That's on you, not on them. He clearly loves his family. He has a history and loyalty to them that you don't share. He has obviously made an effort to fit in with your family and it has paid off. In your eyes, your family are lovely. In his eyes, his family are. I'm not friendly with my in-laws. I'd never ring them for a chat. I have most of them "hidden" on Facebook! But when we meet up, I sit, chat, laugh, listen. I actually enjoy spending an evening with them a few times a year. I just don't want to be "in the circle"! We don't see most of them too often though so maybe it's easier for me to enjoy a few hours a couple of times a year.


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