Not ready for commitment.. meaning?

LegacyUser

I fell head over heels for a boy a few months back, he had a girlfriend but they broke up. He wanted to have a casual relationship with me because he said he could not commit to anyone at the time. He did say he liked me though and admitted there was a connection between us.

I kinda got scared off by this because my feelings were deep so I stopped what was going on and ended up having to make myself hate him so I could move on. I knew if we started sleeping together that I would not be able to handle seeing him talk to other girls etc which he would be entitled to do.

We didn't really remain friends or anything, and slowly I got over him. He then started seeing a new girl, and they are now together. Which makes me mad since he said he didn't want anything anytime soon with anyone.

So my question is, do you think he didn't like me and just wanted to sleep with me? Or do you think if we did sleep together he would have liked me? It's been on my mind for about a year now and I want to hear other peoples opinions. Thanks.

racso1975

It could of been any or all of the above. You will never know so you need to stop focusing on it so much.

It is possible he didn't want something serious with her and it just organically grew into something serious.

You did what was right for you at the time. Stand by that and move on. Best of luck.

baby and crumble

At the time you were together he was just out of a long term telationship and was honest about not wanting another one.

Now he has had time to get over that and feels ready to move on.

It's most likely that simple. Nothing to do with you.

Big Bag of Chips

Sometimes the 'spark' just isn't there. There have probably been people in your life who were mad about you, but you weren't mad about them. Was there something wrong with them? If you tried would you have started to like them more?

Sometimes there's no concrete reason. I had a friend in secondary school who was mad about me. Told me fairly often. Asked me out a few times. We were great friends, really close, had great craic together, on paper and to everyone else we were the perfect couple! But I just didn't feel that way about him. I had no romantic feelings for him at all. He was lovely, and funny and sound and loyal and all those things that you'd want in a boyfriend, but the most important part wasn't there. We tried, (a few times!) I never slept with him but we did kiss a few times, me probably trying to fall for him. But it just wasn't right. I was just kissing my friend!

"Not ready" is usually a polite way of saying "I don't like you enough". Just because he didn't like you enough doesn't mean he was wrong, or there's something wrong with what you did/didn't do. You just weren't meant for each other. It's been a year. Time to let it go.

ManOfMystery

Sometimes people mean what they say - that they're not looking to get into anything serious - but then they meet someone and the sparks fly, and bang - head over heels in love. You can't predict it.

It doesn't mean he's a liar; if anything, he was open and honest with you rather than sleeping with you under the pretense of wanting to build a relationship, which many people have done. It just means he's moved on.

There's no point dwelling on it or trying to think 'what if I did this' or 'what if I did that, would things be different?'. If it was meant to be between you two, it would have happened. Move on.

woodchuck

We could speculate about all the possible reasons, but you'll never know for sure.

Just focus on getting over him and moving on with your life.

SarahMollie

Hi OP,

FWIW I think you made the right decision this time last year. Its never good to agree to something "casual" if thats not what you want just because you're so into the person, so well done on being strong on that.

As other posters have said above, some time has past so now it seems he's ready for another relationship. I'm sure you wish he'd sought you out and that you were destined to be together, but sometimes things just don't work out the way you want. Its not an indictment of you as a person by any means.

At this stage, you probably need to just let him go and keep an eye out for someone new.

Yellow pack crisps

There is no answer. Only thing was that he saved you a lot of hassle as he wasn't as into you as you were into him. Stop second guessing and get living.

KikiDee

Hey OP,

You done what was right for you at the time so well done! It's so easy to get caught up in feelings but you were able to think clearly and focus on what you needed to do.

I'd be inclined to agree with baby and crumble. At that stage, he didn't want anything serious and now he's moved on and is in a position for something serious. It's nothing on you. As hard as it may seem, let this one go and be thankful you've the good sense to look out for your own well being.

kunst nugget

lovepeaceandserenity wrote: »

I fell head over heels for a boy a few months back, he had a girlfriend but they broke up. He wanted to have a casual relationship with me because he said he could not commit to anyone at the time. He did say he liked me though and admitted there was a connection between us.

I kinda got scared off by this because my feelings were deep so I stopped what was going on and ended up having to make myself hate him so I could move on. I knew if we started sleeping together that I would not be able to handle seeing him talk to other girls etc which he would be entitled to do.

We didn't really remain friends or anything, and slowly I got over him. He then started seeing a new girl, and they are now together. Which makes me mad since he said he didn't want anything anytime soon with anyone.

So my question is, do you think he didn't like me and just wanted to sleep with me? Or do you think if we did sleep together he would have liked me? It's been on my mind for about a year now and I want to hear other peoples opinions. Thanks.

So you broke up with him because you wouldn't be able to handle your jealousy if you had slept with him, cut contact with him, decided to hate him and now you're mad at him for getting on with his life?

He had just broken up with someone so I'd imagine he didn't want to hop straight into a full on relationship at the time. I'd imagine if you had taken things slow and easy it probably would have developed into the type of relationship he now has with this other girl but you're never going to know because in all honesty, you seemed to have created a lot of drama for yourself in relation to this guy. I can't see that he did anything wrong from what you're saying about him.

batmanrobin

kunst nugget wrote: »

So you broke up with him because you wouldn't be able to handle your jealousy if you had slept with him, cut contact with him, decided to hate him and now you're mad at him for getting on with his life?

He had just broken up with someone so I'd imagine he didn't want to hop straight into a full on relationship at the time. I'd imagine if you had taken things slow and easy it probably would have developed into the type of relationship he now has with this other girl but you're never going to know because in all honesty, you seemed to have created a lot of drama for yourself in relation to this guy. I can't see that he did anything wrong from what you're saying about him.

Bit harsh, no?

It doesn't sound like she created any drama. She wanted more than casual, he wasn't ready for that and only wanted casual so she left it alone.

It's a bit disingenuous to say that had she taken things slow and easy she could now be in a relationship with him. She might have ended up taking it slow and easy and then for him to move on to someone else.

It sounds like she did the right thing by herself at the time.

You could argue that had he ever seen real relationship potential with her, rather than her being a rebound, he would have gotten in touch with her when he was ready.

OP, try not to dwell too much on it. You did the right thing for yourself given your feelings. Chalk it up to an experience and don't waste any more time on it. He's with someone else now and while it might hurt that he didn't get in touch with you, you'll just have to accept things as they fell and close the door on it.

kunst nugget

batmanrobin wrote: »

You could argue that had he ever seen real relationship potential with her, rather than her being a rebound, he would have gotten in touch with her when he was ready.

She broke it off with him, why would he get back in touch with her?

It's been a year - a pretty reasonable amount of time after a long term relationship to get back into another one. Being mad at him for getting on with his life when it was her that broke it off is a complete waste of time.

batmanrobin

kunst nugget wrote: »

She broke it off with him, why would he get back in touch with her?

It's been a year - a pretty reasonable amount of time after a long term relationship to get back into another one. Being mad at him for getting on with his life when it was her that broke it off is a complete waste of time.

I dunno, can you really break up with someone when it's only something casual? Different if it was something a bit more serious. Plus, if she had, at the time, explained to him she wanted more, then it's perfectly understandable (him understanding) that she would not want to continue a casual thing that wasn't enough for her.

I didn't read it that she was mad at him, more confused? A bit hurt maybe?

But yeah, it's been a year and he's seeing someone new. He would have his own reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship with her and for wanting to be with this person instead. Time to move on.

LegacyUser

Hi all. Yeah I think your advice on moving on is a good idea, and I really have moved on. I've been with other people since then, I was more so curious as to what other people thought.

Also I think someone mentioned that it could happen in the future, and I know that will not be the case and I'm okay with that. I have no desire to contact him and I know he will not contact me.

LegacyUser

kunst nugget wrote: »

So you broke up with him because you wouldn't be able to handle your jealousy if you had slept with him, cut contact with him, decided to hate him and now you're mad at him for getting on with his life?

He had just broken up with someone so I'd imagine he didn't want to hop straight into a full on relationship at the time. I'd imagine if you had taken things slow and easy it probably would have developed into the type of relationship he now has with this other girl but you're never going to know because in all honesty, you seemed to have created a lot of drama for yourself in relation to this guy. I can't see that he did anything wrong from what you're saying about him.

I don't think you really have the right idea as to what happened to be honest. I didn't break up with him because we were never together at all. It wasn't about jealousy, it was more so that I would be hurt if I saw him with another girl since I really liked him at the time. Hence I did not start this casual affair because I knew this would be the cause of drama!

and yeah I think you're right that he probably wasn't ready at the time but a month later when we stopped what was going on, he had a girlfriend. Not a lot of time to get ready. But yeah he probably just did not like me.

ManOfMystery

Kunst has a point. OP wrote :

He then started seeing a new girl, and they are now together. Which makes me mad since he said he didn't want anything anytime soon with anyone.

She really has no right to be mad, the guy was honest about how he felt and had every right to move on. They weren't in a relationship, he owes her nothing and she has no say in his life. So he met someone else and either his viewpoint changed, or enough time had passed that he was ready to be in a relationship again.

Harsh maybe? But the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.

batmanrobin

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Kunst has a point. OP wrote :



She really has no right to be mad, the guy was honest about how he felt and had every right to move on. They weren't in a relationship, he owes her nothing and she has no say in his life. So he met someone else and either his viewpoint changed, or enough time had passed that he was ready to be in a relationship again.

Harsh maybe? But the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.

Ah! I missed that bit. Yeah, fair enough, getting angry with him isn't right.