Partner is bad with money

LegacyUser

Folks, maybe some of you have experience with this and can advise on how to deal with it.

Other half and I have been living together for 18 months now and how he deals with his finances is driving me crazy and making me sad. We both earn similar amounts of money (me a little more) and have similar outgoings though he has the addition of a maintenance payment for his child. We share the big things such as rent and bills and they are equally divided between us. When we first moved in together the rent went out of my a/c and the bills out of his. We dropped that system pretty quickly because he couldn't be relied on to remember there was a d/d coming up and have money in his a/c. Now, on payday, we run through a list of what's coming up for the month and he transfers his half of what needs to be paid to me and all bills go out of my a/c, I buy the groceries, etc.

I'm sure that should be good enough for me, it means all our bills are paid and there's nothing to worry about. But I'm a bit resentful because inevitably what happens is he doesn't manage the money left over so it's me who has to pay for the night out that comes up a week before payday, me who has to buy the birthday present for someone, me who's trying to help when he hasn't kept money for one of his personal expenses like the tank of petrol, or me who feels obliged to either not make plans at the end of the month despite wanting to or decide to pay for us both. I know that people have strengths and weaknesses and not everyone is good with money, but I feel like he should just grow up, everyone has life admin. It would be understandable if he didn't earn a good wage and it wouldn't stretch, but he does.

I have raised the discussion before and explained that it's not that I want to be in charge of his money, I just want to feel secure, and to be fair he's not trying to avoid paying anything he just seems to have a complete inability to add up his outgoings and keep money aside. I also know that he has one of those duck personalities where everything is fine on the surface and all going on underneath so he feels like he has to do everything straight away and make out like its all under control rather than say no I can't do this, or I need to save for that. I'm not a tightwad person - I like treating myself, him, our families - but I feel like a long streak of misery all the time cos for example I'm looking at him two days after payday buying dinner for everyone and I'm thinking eh, we both know you don't have a penny in about two weeks' time and muggins here will be in charge of getting us to the end of the month. I never get angry when I raise the issue, I just try to logically state that whatever's done is done but we need to manage it better because it's not fair. I even go so far as to apologise if I'm being overzealous about it because I come from two parents who were piss-poor with managing their money and I'm fairly sensitive about not being in the same boat. He agrees with everything I'm saying, says it'll be brought in line, makes a grand statement about just transferring his salary to me and letting me run the show if that would make me feel better (genuine, not in a joking or spiteful way) but then, same again next month.

How do I get this moved on from being acknowledged to actually being dealt with? Or am I being unfair?

baby and crumble

I'll be honest with you, I've never understood couples who use personal accounts to manage the household finances. Myself and my partner have a joint account and we each transfer a set amount over on payday, every month. That is for mortgage, bills, groceries, nights out, presents etc. Whatever is left (small as it may be!) in our personal accounts is our own business. If my partner chooses to spend all hers on buying dinner for everyone at the start of the month, that's not my problem. Now, luckily were both good with money (I have gotten much better, I was hopeless when I was younger!) but still. Tbh you have to be slightly hardhearted about it. Stop bailing him out. Make him pay more into the joint account which only you have access to. And also, if you both can't afford a night out at the end of the month- that's life.

intheclouds

Im not sure Im getting the whole picture here.

When you say you are looking at him 2 days after payday buying dinner for everyone - do ye not split costs on nights out?

And him not having money for petrol - isnt that his problem? He can borrow it off you but it would have to be paid back?

You need to stop facilitating him.

Lollipops23

Are you absolutely sure there isn't perhaps a gambling habit at play? Where does his money actually go? I know myself I can manage to evaporate a lot of my disposable on takeaways/taxis/penneys trips, but surely you'd know where it is he needs to curb spending?

miezekatze

OP I can totally relate, I'm in a very similar situation myself. I know people are saying stop facilitating it, it's his problem, etc, but if you're a couple and you live together then it will affect you as you will end up subsidising him each month when he runs out of money.

I once wrote a list of all our expenses over the year (including estimates for groceries etc), then added up stuff I pay for and stuff he pays for, then calculated how much he would have to pay me every month so we end up contributing the same. It doesn't work 100% and I don't always get the full amount, but it's better than before. Have you tried doing something like that?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I don't think there is gambling involved, I think it's just mismanagement. We did out a budget together when I addressed this a few weeks ago and my reckoning was that he had 500 quid a month left over after accounting for absolutely every cost - rent, petrol, bills, right down to a tenner for Spotify. That even allowed for some money to be put aside for savings, Christmas, etc, as I think one of the problems he has had is that when he tries to keep on track there's a sudden cost or an expensive time of year that sets things spiralling again.

500 quid isn't a huge amount of money but I think it's pretty good to have that left over when all your outgoings are taken care of. I think the issue is that it gets frittered away on lunch out every day, or just randomly treating a whole table of mates to their dinner. I mean, it's personal money so if that's how you want to spend it, grand, but it's the basic concept of opportunity cost. You have 500 euro. If you spend it on lunches and dinners, you can't have new runners and nights out. The problem is that it's being spent on lunches, dinners, runners and nights out and then it's oh **** it's a week to pay day and I need to drive to work and there's not a drop of petrol in the car. Absolutely I treat any money I hand over in situations like that as a loan and I do get it back, but it's just not nice to feel like he's not there to have my back if I'm ever the one who's broke.

I'm not sure a joint account for bills would solve our problem. Those larger costs are looked after. It's just then being left to be responsible for all the incidentals and small things, which add up.

Wheety

Yeah a joint account is the way to go here. Have your own separate accounts which your salary foes into. Pay the same amount each into the joint account and set up DD for rent and bills. Make sure you put more than you think you'll need and by the end of the year you should have a surplus I buy something or keep it going and build up a deposit if that's in your plans.

Tell him to budget himself with his own money.

Daisy78

OP I would agree with one of the other posters who recommended opening a joint account for sundries. You need to sit down and work out your average monthly spend on utility bills, groceries, insurance, taxes, etc and both make a monthly direct debit payment into it at the beginning of each month ( or whenever you both get paid). That way he doesn't have a chance to squander his wages before the bills are paid. Factor in any additional demands that might come your way like birthdays, weddings, etc as well. He might promise to restrict his spending and be more prudent but at the end of the day he knows you are there to bail him out when he has stretched himself to far. A joint account would help solve this problem but under the strict understanding that he cannot dip into on occasions where he has a personal bill or a night out to pay for!

bee06

I wouldn't be trusting him with a joint account to be honest. He can't manage his own money so I definitely wouldn't be trusting him with access to yours as well. I wouldn't be able to deal with someone with such a terrible attitude to money and would have cut him loose a long time ago.

James Bond Junior

I used to be like your partner. I get paid every second Thursday and I have a dd for my mortgage so half comes out every payday into a separate account. I transfer it back the day before the mortgage come out. I do the same for bills etc. Then every Thursday I take out a set amount of cash to last me 7 days. This covers fuel, groceries, pints and day to day expenses. I have found my quality of life has remained pretty much the same but I think twice about the incidentals because I know I have only X left in my wallet until the next Thursday. It has worked very well for me.

baby and crumble

baby and crumble wrote: »

Myself and my partner have a joint account and we each transfer a set amount over on payday, every month. That is for mortgage, bills, groceries, nights out, presents etc. Whatever is left (small as it may be!) in our personal accounts is our own business. If my partner chooses to spend all hers on buying dinner for everyone at the start of the month, that's not my problem

belva wrote: »

I'm not sure a joint account for bills would solve our problem. Those larger costs are looked after. It's just then being left to be responsible for all the incidentals and small things, which add up.

I think you should re-read B&C's post. What are the "incidentals and small things" that would not be covered by the joint account? I think her suggestion is perfectly suitable for your situation. Everything is covered by the joint account and if your partner wants to randomly buy all his mates dinner, only HE is affected by this decision.

Has he ever missed a maintenance payment?

SarahMollie

Deleted User wrote: »

I think you should re-read B&C's post. What are the "incidentals and small things" that would not be covered by the joint account? I think her suggestion is perfectly suitable for your situation. Everything is covered by the joint account and if your partner wants to randomly buy all his mates dinner, only HE is affected by this decision.

Has he ever missed a maintenance payment?

Is is possible that the OP wouldnt trust him with access to such an account? Would she therefore have to be with him everytime he wants to buy petrol?

SarahMollie

SarahMollie wrote: »

Is is possible that the OP wouldnt trust him with access to such an account? Would she therefore have to be with him everytime he wants to buy petrol?

It's possible, but my impression was that she didn't believe a joint account would cover the "incidentals and small things".

If her partner can't be trusted not to dip into a joint account for personal stuff then they have a bigger problem than his money management skills.

baby and crumble

SarahMollie wrote: »

Is is possible that the OP wouldnt trust him with access to such an account? Would she therefore have to be with him everytime he wants to buy petrol?

That's why I said only she has access to the joint account. If he wants to buy petrol for his own car, its his lookout. If needs be, fill up the tank once or twice a month from the joint account and then that's him. If he can't afford petrol then he walks or gets public transport. It already looks like she does all the maintaining of the hosuehold bills, so this won't be a big leap or change but it just keeps enough money to cover ALL the joint expenses (ie not just rent/ mortgage/ bills/ groceries but also nights out, presents for family, petrol, home improvements) so that all he needs to budget is his own personal money.

I really think you need to be firm with him, OP. He's taking the piss. Not on purpose, you've said yourself that he's not doing it maliciously, but when there's no consequences to actions, nobody learns to change their behaviour. If he knows that if he's just looking for spare cash to get him through til payday, every month, and you don't give it to him, well, he'll have to learn.

Another thing you might suggest is for him to use a money tracker so he can see where his money goes. If he sees, in a pie chart on his phone that 30% of his pay goes on buying dinner for other people, and another 20% goes on buying new trainers or whatever, he'll soon learn.

There are also some people who are genuinely just bad at this kind of organisation. If that's the case he probably isn't going to change his spots overnight but tbh this is the kind of thing that can break a relationship. Money and sex are the two things that most couples struggle with at one point or another, and you need to find a way through.

intheclouds

baby and crumble wrote: »

That's why I said only she has access to the joint account.

You cant be the keeper of someone. He isnt a child.

I wouldnt respect someone I had to do that for, nor would I appreciate someone suggesting they were going to do it for me.

baby and crumble

intheclouds wrote: »

You cant be the keeper of someone. He isnt a child.

I wouldnt respect someone I had to do that for, nor would I appreciate someone suggesting they were going to do it for me.

Fair enough, but someone has to be in charge of finances in every relationship. And if it's the only way she can be sure he doesn't use the joint account to pay fr dinner for 10 people? That's life.

JellieBabie

My boyfriend is also terrible with money. He used to take out loans for the most ridiculous purchases, like a new TV for example! Anyway I told him in no uncertain terms that I could not stay long term with someone so careless with money and that I would break up with him were it to continue.

He asked me to manage his money. He has four accounts all under one membership in the bank. One is for holidays. One is for general savings. One is his current account and one is his 'bill' account. I pay into the bill account each month.

Once he gets paid the very next day a sum which will cover rent, petrol, groceries, sky tv, health insurance, loans etc is paid into it. That covers ALL his bills for the month - petrol included! Then he pays another sum into savings and holidays and finally he is left with an amount in the current account to do him for any discretionary expenditure for the month. He takes out a quarter of it every week and keeps it in his wallet - it's easier to see what you're spending that way. I help him draw up a new budget each month depending on expenses e.g if we have a wedding coming up we put a bit extra away.

Everything is covered this way op. There is no way he can spend the petrol or grocery money this way if it is budgeted for each month in the bill account.