Over sharing boyfriend

xLisaBx

Can't believe it's come to the point of posting here, but here it goes..

I've been dating this guy for around 6 months. Funny, chatty, good Craic, we are both young like so it's nothing very serious. However, he has made it clear that he does like me. We had a scare with a condom a few weeks ago, luckily I'm not pregnant, but he was incredibly supportive and wasn't too worried even if I was to be pregnant.

We are both still in college. The only problem I see with him, and it's becoming a big problem, is his tendency to overshare personal things. We have quite a few mutual friends, and he has been telling them that we have slept together and so on. I know this sounds odd for a 20 year old, but I like to keep my sex life private, and I have told him so. However, he has twice more said bits to our friends.

I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much, but it's starting to feel like I can't tell him secret things, no matter how silly they are, because he will eventually blurt them out. Don't get me wrong, this isn't done in a malicious nature- he just doesn't think before he speaks!

Toots

To be honest, if he can't keep your private life private despite you asking him to more than once, you need to consider do you want to stick around.

Different people are comfortable with different levels of candor when it comes to sex, etc and i remember when I was 20 some people were VERY open about the nitty gritty of their relationships, (whether the rest of us wanted to hear it or not :eek:) and others were more discreet.

You've now said it to your BF twice that you don't want him talking about that with others, and even though there's no malice behind it, you have a right to your privacy. If I were you I'd sit him down and spell it out for him, you don't want him sharing personal stuff like that. Tell him that it bothers you and makes you uncomfortable. If he continues to do it after that I'd stop seeing him, because could you ever really confide in him without worrying that he'd repeat it to your friends?

Ursus Horribilis

i work with a man who's in his fifties and he's like that. And we're only work colleagues! If it gets too toe-curling someone will tell him to stop and that sometimes does the trick. Sometimes... It's like he has no filter in his brain and just has to keep talking, regardless of how personal or confidential things are.

Really, what I'm trying to tell you is that some people never grow out of this habit. I've met other people who over share too but this man is the worst. I don't know if your boyfriend will ever stop doing this but its something to bear in mind.

All you can do is sit him down and tell him just how serious this is. Tell him very clearly how disrespectful it is for him to blurt out such personal information to anyone. i know this is mammy-like stuff but I'd also tell him that this habit of over sharing could come back to bite him in the future. Most people don't want to be listening to the gory details of someone's private life. It'll affect future friendships and work relationships - people will be wary of telling this guy anything that's confidential. It could also put the brakes on career progression. Not that that'll be in the mind of a 20 year old.

If it was me, I'm not sure I'd be able to stay with someone like that. Most people keep their private lives private. If you're already afraid to tell him things for fear he will repeat them, what does that say about any future you might have? So give him another chance if you feel it's what you want but be prepared to walk if he doesn't change his ways.

racso1975

Did he tell them about the pregnancy scare?

xLisaBx

Thanks everybody, some excellent advice.

No he kept the scare private, thankfully, he keeps the very serious things private. I just don't feel comfortable with other people knowing about my sex life.

I broke up with him but got back with him hours later over this

Ursus Horribilis

I'd be raging too. Was he genuinely remorseful do you think? Is he gossipy in general?

xLisaBx

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I'd be raging too. Was he genuinely remorseful do you think? Is he gossipy in general?

Definitely remorseful alright, he's a lovely guy don't get me wrong. He was so upset that he had upset me.

He's not so much gossipy but chatty to the extent that he could say anything without realizing it.

Augme

What exactly does he say? There is a big difference between saying "Yea me and Lisa have slept together" vs explicit details of what you get up to. If it's closer to the first scenario if I was your boyfriend I wouldn't be happy with you telling me what I can/can't say to my friends. I honestly doubt there are many people over 25 who haven't discussed sex with their friends.

Ursus Horribilis

xLisaBx wrote: »

Definitely remorseful alright, he's a lovely guy don't get me wrong. He was so upset that he had upset me.

He's not so much gossipy but chatty to the extent that he could say anything without realizing it.

Maybe over time he'll learn to be more discreet but he definitely needs to be told in no uncertain terms that he needs to learn the difference between what is acceptable to say and what isn't. I'd go as far as to give him an ultimatum. He doesn't appear to have any cop-on and might need another scare.

woodchuck

Augme wrote: »

What exactly does he say? There is a big difference between saying "Yea me and Lisa have slept together" vs explicit details of what you get up to. If it's closer to the first scenario if I was your boyfriend I wouldn't be happy with you telling me what I can/can't say to my friends. I honestly doubt there are many people over 25 who haven't discussed sex with their friends.

I agree that it depends on what he's saying, and also the context.

If he's feeling that he can't even elude to the fact that you've slept together (if relevant to a particular conversation), I can see how that would be difficult for him.

But if he's giving all the gory details, there's really no need for that and he should be making a much bigger effort.