Struggling to find any purpose

LegacyUser

Hi all. Going unreg for this. I've been meaning to post for a while, but it's hard to articulate how I'm feeling these days.
I'm a 36 year old male. From the outside, maybe it looks like I'm doing quite well. I own my own house, have only a small mortgage, a good secure job with plenty of prospects, good salary etc. I spent years travelling and having fun when I was younger, had a few girlfriends, all seemingly normal I guess. However I am finding it hard to like myself very much, or be happy these past couple of years.
I am an only child, and had a great upbringing with loving parents. My cousins were almost like siblings to me and we spent nearly every weekend together, so I don't think I was particularly damaged by being an only child.
I'm starting to think now that I'm not getting any younger, and since I hit 35 or so it has a feeling of things will only start to get worse from here in. I would like nothing more than to make my mother happy by having kids/family etc but I really can't see that happening now. At the same time I'm not even sure if that's what I want. I don't want to be with a girl just to make myself feel like I'm not a loser. I seem to have no self confidence or self worth really. I am tall and good looking, don't mean to sound arrogant there but I get told it often enough and I've been approached by women a fair bit down the years (not so much anymore, but I wouldn't be in those social scenes much now). I look after myself and I'm in good shape.
I often find myself medicating myself with booze too, it's not really at a problematic level but sometimes I could be doing fine for a week or two then I just decide to go to the pub and get thrashed. It amounts to nothing but a hangover and feeling bad about myself.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. Why am I here? What's the point? When my parents are gone will it just be me alone? Are they disappointed in me?
This may sound like angsty navel gazing crap, but I don't go around moping or anything, or complain to anyone else. I'm letting it out here because I need to vent somewhere.
My social circle is decreasing and I only really hear from people when they want to get away from their family/wives/gfs for a few pints and know I'm always available.
I don't have that many hobbies but I really have bloody tried so hard to find things to keep me occupied. None of it really worked.
Online dating doesn't work for me. I got a lot of dates out of it last year, and I follow all the tips on messaging etc, but now it seems they look at my profile and never message me. Never! I really wonder what sort of guys they are going for and what's wrong with me...
Anyway thanks for reading and if anyone can give me a few pointers on sorting myself out, I'd appreciate it. I'm tired of being so unhappy and lonely

Ally Dick

Hiya. I used to feel like you did. I hit my mid 30s and felt in crisis mode, because I hadn't met a girl. Each weekend seemed to be about going to the pub and getting tanked. I enjoyed the pub for sports on the telly, and being out with the lads, but it became a problem for me when it was bingeing it. Added to that, I was living at home again, after being away for 13 years. I must have put my parents through hell as well, with my miserable unhappy face. Then a few funny things happened to me. I realised that I wasn't going to meet many women if I was overly drunk, and also that I would be better off moving out of home. I was determined to meet a girl and have a serious relationship. Lo and behold, within months of moving into my apartment, I met someone. It was a friend who set me up on a blind date. Eleven years later, and we're very happily married. I think you should consider cutting down on the booze, and making some changes to your life. That'll give you a fresh outlook and impetus. You seem to be stuck in a similar rut to the one that I was on. I tried speed dating and it was a good laugh and I met a few women out of it, but I only struck gold when I was set up on the date by friends. Seems to me to be the best way to do it...especially as your friends know you and what you probably like in the opposite sex. I have never bothered with Tinder (I'm too old), but it sounds like something very shallow, and to be avoided, unless you are after fun or sex. Maybe you should join a club, and meet women in friendship mode, and see if anything develops from it. You should consider going to large charity social gatherings or doing some charitable work. Join a tennis club ? Seems to be loads of women in them

Fakediamond

I want to second EVERYTHING that Ally Dick said. I think getting introduced to someone via your circle of friends is one of the best ways to meet a mate. It's like a modern day matchmaking, if you will!

Good luck with it.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your input above. Well meeting women isn't going to define me or give me any purpose, so it's not necessarily what I'm looking for. I do miss the physical aspects but I guess I have learned to live without that and don't expect it anymore. Also, none of my friends know or hang around with any available women, 100% sure of that. Ever since they've been married, social lives dropped off and they wouldn't hang out with single people, other couples come over for dinner etc. Which is great for them but I almost spat out my coffee laughing at suggestions that my friends would know any single women, it's preposterous at this stage!
The suggestions to join clubs... what clubs? I don't particularly have any interest in much... And with work etc I barely have time to cut the grass these days.
I don't know... are there any professionals that can help with this type of thing? I.e. being a rudderless, mildly depressed individual? I seem to have this negative attitude built into myself since I was a child that there's no point trying as I will fail, and I'm not good enough for anything. Any time I've had girlfriends I would always think, what the hell are they doing with me[/], and ultimately this insecurity would cause problems. I've done ok in life but I think I could have done a lot more if I wasn't wracked with this negativity and total lack of self worth.

SarahMollie

Go talk to a professional. I have friends who have spoken with therapists on occasion when they're going through a life challenge and from what I've seen its helped them. From what you've said, you're stuck in a bit of a negativity rut, and talking it over with someone impartial who could teach you how to adjust your outlook could be invaluable. The mind is a very trainable thing, and life can feel very long if you're miserable.

I think its good that you don't want to define yourself by your relationship status, but equally its possible that you're just a bit disinterested at the moment as you're feeling otherwise down in yourself. I'm just saying, don't necessarily write yourself off.

As for your online dating profile, I think there might be a part of Boards (maybe someone could step in here) where you could get the content of your profile reviewed, perhaps theres something in there that you've overlooked that could be putting potential partners off.

Fakediamond

Well I know meeting someone is not necessarily going to define you and I take your point about male friends not knowing single women, but...do these friends not have wives/partners with sisters/friends/cousins? It's just as hard for women to meet men via the pub scene/internet, it's a leap into the great unknown.

As to the general feelings of disinterest in life, as another poster said, try the therapist route, whats to lose? You're definitely seeing the glass half-empty at the moment and it might help give you some perspective.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses guys. I actually did go to therapy a few years ago, I think I went about 5 times. It was around 80 euros a pop, and it basically involved a guy listening to me telling my life story and no input from him at all. I don't think it benefited me in any way really. He was a nice guy though.
As I said, I think I'm happy enough, certainly feeling good today, I have a great comraderey with my colleagues at work and we have fun. I just wish I could get rid of this lifelong feeling of not being good enough for anyone and underestimating myself, I'm worried I'm actualising a self fulfilling prophecy of being a sad old man completely on his own in 30 years time, it really seems it's heading that way

Goldenlady

Hey OP,

This thread reallystruck a cord with me, as I feel almost exactly the same way you do and I am a 37 year old female in the exact same boat!

From the outside everything is great, own house, good salary, holidays etc, I do, to be fair have a good bunch of friends, who now seem to socialise a bit more as their kids are growing up. BUT at times, I feel like a complete failure, what have I got to show at 37 years of age - and definitely lack of confidence doesnt help.

I agree totally that this has absolutely nothing to do with being single - as in a relationship wont define you and is not always rosey in the garden when with someone either! I have found recently that I am better, I have started running with a group of friends and have made an effort to get back in touch with friends I may have lost touch with through the years - getting out for coffee or dinner.

I busy myself, always have plans I think thats the key. Living on your own and spending a lot of time on your own is not good for you head space, too much time to over analyse things!!

So basically I just wanted you to know you are certainly not alone, this is just part of us getting older and not having the typical lives of other people in their mid to late 30s.... BUT that doesnt mean we cant be happy. Definitely look up running clubs, or anything that might interest you.

Best of luck.