Fiancée not interested in sex anymore

LegacyUser

Hi folks, going unreg here as my missus knows about boards

Basically lately my fiancé and I have been having no sex. Like 0... Its been over a month since we last were intimate and even then it was a very one sided affair.

Im starting to feel like more a roommate than a fiancé and it's getting to the stage where I'm starting to close off as im getting angry where despite my advances im told to get off or she has to be up early in the morning.

We've been together nearly 6 years and we've a kid together who's nearly 3. I don't think she's playing away from home, but I've been gullible in previous relationships. Im starting to feel very unattractive and the oul self confidence is taking a hit because of it.

How to you broach the subject without coming across as a desperate sex pest? Is this common?

Thanks in advance.

SarahMollie

Hi OP,

It is totally possible for a woman to lose interest in sex and it doesn't mean she's having an affair. Unless you've some other (real, factual) reason for thinking this, then I'd get that thought straight out of your head as its not a healthy thought to allow to fester.

Have you tried talking to your fiance about this?

Yellow pack crisps

She could be feeling unattractive too. Could be tired. Could of changed pill could have a worry she hadn't shared! Could be anything! Why don't you prepare a nice meal put the kid to bed and have a few glasses of wine and suggest a chat in a caring and non confrontational way. Stop guessing anyway.

Men and women can go through periods of low libidity and there can be a multitude of reasons. Try to talk to her about her needs, make sure everything is OK with her and tell her you have noticed a decline in the intimacy between you.
You need to work together to get past this period.
Are you doing things together? Going out for a meal, having a couple of drinks. Are you being a couple? Maybe the spark has gone out a bit and it's time to light it up again and bring some fun and romance back into your life.

Meauldsegosha

Count sexless wrote: »

Hi folks, going unreg here as my missus knows about boards

Basically lately my fiancé and I have been having no sex. Like 0... Its been over a month since we last were intimate and even then it was a very one sided affair.

Im starting to feel like more a roommate than a fiancé and it's getting to the stage where I'm starting to close off as im getting angry where despite my advances im told to get off or she has to be up early in the morning.

We've been together nearly 6 years and we've a kid together who's nearly 3. I don't think she's playing away from home, but I've been gullible in previous relationships. Im starting to feel very unattractive and the oul self confidence is taking a hit because of it.

How to you broach the subject without coming across as a desperate sex pest? Is this common?

Thanks in advance.

OP my first piece of advice is DO NOT get married until this issue is resolved. There are countless threads on here from men and women who got married hoping thier sex live would improve but it never did.

Secondly sit down and talk with your partner in a neutral place (outside the bedroom away from your child). Tell her how you are feeling, ask her how she is feeling and then you can both make suggestions on how to improve the situation.

dudara

Unhelpful and off-topic posts deleted. Please read the forum charter to familiarise yourself with how things work around here

dudara

Jenneke87

TBH, and I'm going against the grain here: I don't find over a month all that long. I've gone through periods of very low libido for much longer than that. I believe that a woman's sexdrive is naturally lower than a man's and much more influenced by outside circumstances. It's a shame that the OP's fiance somehow needs "fixing" over something that sounds quite normal to me.

I went through a period where I absolutely didn't want to have sex. No amount of talking, therapy, meals, nights out or whatever else would have helped. If anything, it would have made me feel more stressed because of the expectation to "perform." For me, I just didn't want anyone "fussing" with me for a long time. It eventually reversed itself.

December2012

She says she has to be in early in the morning? Ok, so the two of you should literally have an early night.

As soon as the kid goes to bed, so do you both.

What else has she said about sex?

blue note

You need to have a very frank discussion with your fiance regarding what both of your expectations are regarding sex. She might think things are fine at once a month or she might think there's a problem too.

As others have said, boards is littered with threads of men at their wits end due to lack of physical intimacy (I think it does a disservice to it to just call it sex). If this is a problem now don't kid yourself into thinking it won't be in 5 years time.

And just a general comment on it - I think it's odd that so many women don't want to deal with this issue. If my partner was deeply unhappy about something I'd like to think I'd try whatever I can to improve the situation. It seems a common theme that they don't see it as an issue and feel that their husband should just get over it. I know it's often more complicated than that, but it I think sometimes it isn't.

MarkHayer

I created a topic similar to this one some time ago, might be worth reading for you:
http://www.boards.ie/b/thread/2057600014

In the end I've just managed to accept that there is going to be less sex than previous relationships, and long periods without sex also. But there are plenty of hugs, and short moments of intimacy. But when my partner is just a little anxious or stressed (which can be a good bit of the time) then sex is totally off the cards. If there is an early morning, or a day ahead with some challenges... no sex.

I've done a lot of meditation - we meditate together - and it has reduced my sexual cravings a lot, and has also helped her anxiety. So when we do have sex (rare!) then it's really great sex and very beautiful. But sometimes I'm waiting and hoping in the week leading up to her period that it's going to happen, and if I get the chance to have sex, then I actually get a bit of performance anxiety because it's so irregular. That's another issue I guess... I want to make it so amazing that she'll want it more and more, and I put pressure on myself the odd time we have sex.

But just be patient, loving, and show her that sex isn't everything to you... but she is

SB_Part2

^^ The sex is very beautiful? Ah would you stop.

To echo what most others have said. You need to have a discussion with your fiance, outside of the bedroom to find out what's going on.

ibarelycare

MarkHayer wrote: »

I created a topic similar to this one some time ago, might be worth reading for you:
http://www.boards.ie/b/thread/2057600014

In the end I've just managed to accept that there is going to be less sex than previous relationships, and long periods without sex also. But there are plenty of hugs, and short moments of intimacy. But when my partner is just a little anxious or stressed (which can be a good bit of the time) then sex is totally off the cards. If there is an early morning, or a day ahead with some challenges... no sex.

I've done a lot of meditation - we meditate together - and it has reduced my sexual cravings a lot, and has also helped her anxiety. So when we do have sex (rare!) then it's really great sex and very beautiful. But sometimes I'm waiting and hoping in the week leading up to her period that it's going to happen, and if I get the chance to have sex, then I actually get a bit of performance anxiety because it's so irregular. That's another issue I guess... I want to make it so amazing that she'll want it more and more, and I put pressure on myself the odd time we have sex.

But just be patient, loving, and show her that sex isn't everything to you... but she is

That's so sad. I can't help but feel that this is going to lead to a lot of built up resentment and issues.

MarkHayer

ibarelycare wrote: »

MarkHayer wrote: »

I created a topic similar to this one some time ago, might be worth reading for you:
http://www.boards.ie/b/thread/2057600014

In the end I've just managed to accept that there is going to be less sex than previous relationships, and long periods without sex also. But there are plenty of hugs, and short moments of intimacy. But when my partner is just a little anxious or stressed (which can be a good bit of the time) then sex is totally off the cards. If there is an early morning, or a day ahead with some challenges... no sex.

I've done a lot of meditation - we meditate together - and it has reduced my sexual cravings a lot, and has also helped her anxiety. So when we do have sex (rare!) then it's really great sex and very beautiful. But sometimes I'm waiting and hoping in the week leading up to her period that it's going to happen, and if I get the chance to have sex, then I actually get a bit of performance anxiety because it's so irregular. That's another issue I guess... I want to make it so amazing that she'll want it more and more, and I put pressure on myself the odd time we have sex.

But just be patient, loving, and show her that sex isn't everything to you... but she is

That's so sad. I can't help but feel that this is going to lead to a lot of built up resentment and issues.

Ultimately it's about acceptance. And letting go of this craving for sexual activity, not making a problem out of it.
When she wants sex, it's obvious. When she isn't interested, it's also obvious. Without psychoanalysing it, I've just decided I need to learn acceptance of things as they are. The other way leads to resentment, as you've pointed out (endless psychoanalysis, etc)

squonk

MarkHayer wrote: »

I created a topic similar to this one some time ago, might be worth reading for you:
http://www.boards.ie/b/thread/2057600014

In the end I've just managed to accept that there is going to be less sex than previous relationships, and long periods without sex also. But there are plenty of hugs, and short moments of intimacy. But when my partner is just a little anxious or stressed (which can be a good bit of the time) then sex is totally off the cards. If there is an early morning, or a day ahead with some challenges... no sex.

I've done a lot of meditation - we meditate together - and it has reduced my sexual cravings a lot, and has also helped her anxiety. So when we do have sex (rare!) then it's really great sex and very beautiful. But sometimes I'm waiting and hoping in the week leading up to her period that it's going to happen, and if I get the chance to have sex, then I actually get a bit of performance anxiety because it's so irregular. That's another issue I guess... I want to make it so amazing that she'll want it more and more, and I put pressure on myself the odd time we have sex.

But just be patient, loving, and show her that sex isn't everything to you... but she is

You sound well whipped my friend. What you're describing is not an equal relationship. You're not getting what you want (really) and while I don't doubt the efficacy of meditation, it's just a crutch or a distraction for you to feel like you're doing at least something about your needs. If it works for you, great. It wouldn't be a situation I'd like to be in personally speaking.

To the OP, I think if your OH doesn't work with you to resolve this then I can't see much of a future. I'll be honest, my snap opinion was to tell you to just get out while you still can. Is everything else OK? My gut tells me that your OH is thinking that she's engaged so there's security there as you've a child together however it's not really where she wants to be and, all other things being equal, she'd be walking.

ibarelycare

MarkHayer wrote: »

Ultimately it's about acceptance. And letting go of this craving for sexual activity, not making a problem out of it.
When she wants sex, it's obvious. When she isn't interested, it's also obvious. Without psychoanalysing it, I've just decided I need to learn acceptance of things as they are. The other way leads to resentment, as you've pointed out (endless psychoanalysis, etc)

Sex is a normal human desire. It sounds like your needs are being completely compromised to suit your gf. Has she shown she values your needs by (for example) speaking to a doctor or counsellor about her practically non-existent sex drive? It's already causing issues for you... performance anxiety, putting pressure on yourself, etc. You're waiting each month in the hope that she'll want to have sex with you...that doesn't sound like a very fulfilling relationship.

I find it difficult to believe that you're deep down honestly happy with the situation, and that you can see yourself being happy for the rest of your life with a virtually dead bedroom.

SarahMollie

squonk wrote: »

You sound well whipped my friend. What you're describing is not an equal relationship. You're not getting what you want (really) and while I don't doubt the efficacy of meditation, it's just a crutch or a distraction for you to feel like you're doing at least something about your needs. If it works for you, great. It wouldn't be a situation I'd like to be in personally speaking.
.

Oh come on. I'll be the first to say that I'm not always a fan of Mark Haylers posts but thats probably the most sensible thing he's ever said and is still getting jumped all over for it.

He has a higher sex drive than his GF (its rare that a couple have exactly equal sex drives, especially once the first flush has passed), yet he thinks she's worth sticking with because sex isnt everything. He finds ways to focus on other things and is not lead purely by his base instincts.

This poster has posted previously and it sounds like ideally he'd like sex about 3 times a day, so its not really surprising that his GF either can't/doesn't want to keep up. Whats so wrong with that?

ibarelycare

SarahMollie wrote: »

Oh come on. I'll be the first to say that I'm not always a fan of Mark Haylers posts but thats probably the most sensible thing he's ever said and is still getting jumped all over for it.

He has a higher sex drive than his GF (its rare that a couple have exactly equal sex drives, especially once the first flush has passed), yet he thinks she's worth sticking with because sex isnt everything. He finds ways to focus on other things and is not lead purely by his base instincts.

This poster has posted previously and it sounds like ideally he'd like sex about 3 times a day, so its not really surprising that his GF either can't/doesn't want to keep up. Whats so wrong with that?

What's so wrong is that the rarity of the sex is causing him to feel pressurised when it does come to having sex...so nothing has been resolved, things have gone from one extreme to the other and there are still massive problems. It sounds like he's done all the compromising and his gf has done none. From what he's said (talking about waiting for her period) it sounds like they only have sex once a month, if even? For someone to desire sex three times a day having to stifle their desire and only have sex once a month...well that doesn't sound very healthy or happy.

SarahMollie

ibarelycare wrote: »

What's so wrong is that the rarity of the sex is causing him to feel pressurised when it does come to having sex...so nothing has been resolved, things have gone from one extreme to the other and there are still massive problems. It sounds like he's done all the compromising and his gf has done none. From what he's said (talking about waiting for her period) it sounds like they only have sex once a month, if even? For someone to desire sex three times a day having to stifle their desire and only have sex once a month...well that doesn't sound very healthy or happy.

I'll admit my opinion is coloured because I've read his previous thread which he linked to earlier (theres a lot in it!) but suffices to say theres more to the story.

Anyhow, having read both threads, I don't think his situation is that comparable to our OP here. I think MH's situation is far more towards the extreme.

Back to our OP - this really boils down to lack of communication. I wonder if he's talked to her about how he's feeling. Sometimes people can assume that the status quo is OK if no one objects, even though that might not be the case.

Maybe her contraception isnt agreeing with her, maybe she just has a low sex drive, maybe he's not affectionate in other aspects of their life outside the bedroom.....there are so many possible causes, but they really need to communicate.

MarkHayer

Sorry OP, I don't want to hijack this post so back to you...

Like the other posters have said, it's a good idea to communicate. Although in my case, I communicated how I was feeling when there was a lack of sex, and how I'd felt rejected, and it did help things for a while. But ultimately I feel things have - in my case - gone back to the original pattern, and there are nights I'm lucky to get a peck on the cheek.

I would like to communicate more, but if I'm being honest... it just wears me out, and I'd prefer just to see how far I can go, and how far she can go, before she realises that sex is actually a good idea sometimes!

squonk

MarkHayer wrote: »

Sorry OP, I don't want to hijack this post so back to you...

Like the other posters have said, it's a good idea to communicate. Although in my case, I communicated how I was feeling when there was a lack of sex, and how I'd felt rejected, and it did help things for a while. But ultimately I feel things have - in my case - gone back to the original pattern, and there are nights I'm lucky to get a peck on the cheek.

I would like to communicate more, but if I'm being honest... it just wears me out, and I'd prefer just to see how far I can go, and how far she can go, before she realises that sex is actually a good idea sometimes!

Why are you still in this relationship? It sounds more like friends or a friends with occasional benefits type of arrangement. If you can't get a peck on the cheek there's something wrong.

Stop being a doorman, man up and decide what you want. If you think you can't get it where you are, move on.