Unsure if a guy is screwing with me, or is actually interested.

AbraCadaver

Before I start, I would like to apologise if this gets too long. I'll add a TL;DR section at the end for those who don't feel like reading the whole thing, but I feel like I might need to do a bit of explanation to convey my point.

So this guy (who I still really like) and I met each other in February, I believe. A mutual acquaintance of ours introduced us, and we hit it off immediately. We had very similar interests, and could talk about pretty much anything for ages. We often stayed up until crazy hours of the morning to chat. He seemed to be interested in me, and flirted a little bit. He invited me to go get some coffee sometime, and I mentioned that I was heading into town on a certain date, and suggested that we could hang out for a while. He said he might be able to pop down, however something came up college-wise, and we never met up. He apologised and said he would definitely let me know when he was free next, and I wasn't upset about the situation at all.

The exam period rolled in, and we both got to studying, so obviously we talked less and less. He is also really into basketball, so with his training on top of studying, we had really no time to chat. It got to the point where I would send him a message, and he would only reply maybe 3-4 days later. This started happening almost every week, and he didn't seem as interested in our conversations anymore, so I decided to start backing off, because I didn't want to seem clingy or needy. I also felt like I was putting more effort into the conversation than he was, however I understand that he was a busy person, so that's not really a big deal. After a little while, we stopped talking entirely.

Maybe 2 months went by of us not talking, and he messaged me out of nowhere. Now I would like to point out that we weren't particularly good friends before our 2-month silence period. If I didn't really matter to him, there would've been no reason to message me. This is the part that seriously confuses me, but i'll get on to that in a second. Anyway, he let me know he wanted to catch up, but that he'd need to find a date since he has to repeat a few exams, and still has training. Our conversations took a similar pattern where he initially talked a lot, and seemed to really enjoy our conversations, but gradually started talking less, and started giving off this vibe like I was bothering him by messaging him. Whenever I asked him general questions, he didn't seem to be interested in hearing my side, almost like he wanted to get it over with. He's also blatantly ignoring my messages at this point, since he's obviously online and active, but just isn't replying.

So my main question is; what exactly does he want from me? As I mentioned before, we were basically acquaintances before, so if he had no interest in me, why would he message me again to try and catch up? We were basically set up by our mutual friend, and our conversations beforehand consisted of blind date stuff. Honestly at this point i'm just confused as to what he's doing. He seems both interested and not at the same time. There's an event coming up that he might enjoy, and I feel tempted to mention it to him, see if he's more open in person if we meet up. I also feel as though he's just screwing around with me, and I should just leave it. What do you guys think about the situation, and what should I do? Thanks in advance!

TL;DR: Guy i'm interested in initially seemed as though he liked me back, but suddenly started ignoring me for days, even though he's online. We stopped talking for a while, however he got back in touch with me, and is now doing the same thing. Is he just toying around, or am I just looking too much into it?

SB_Part2

Have you actually met up with him since you started chatting in Feb? I don't see it mentioned in the post.

Sounds like he just likes having someone to text occasionally.

Skibunny77

He isn't interested enough. He may like the attention you give him for a while but he isn't interested enough to set a date. I would politely disengage as you did last time. If he initiates contact again say something along the lines of 'Hey, listen, I've had fun chatting online but I prefer to hanging out with people, in person! Let me know if you figure out a date to catch up, otherwise best of luck with exams/ basketball' etc.

Ursus Horribilis

I think he's keeping you as an option by occasionally throwing you some crumbs of attention. Really,if anything was going to happen between you two, it'd have happened by now. 5 months is a long time. Being "busy" is one of the oldest chestnuts there is even it comes to making excuses for not seeing someone you're not that pushed about. Really, that's what it all boils down to. You're an option at best.

What any of us who have been around the block a few times will tell you is that if a man is genuinely interested in you, you'll know all about it. He'll make it his business to see you and to make sure you're not snapped up by some other bloke. I'm not seeing any signs like that here.

jopax

Hi op,

I agree with skibunny, he doesn't seem to be interested in doing anything with you. I would imagine that if you did hook up & you liked him, your head would be wrecked by him.

daisybelle2008

He is not screwing with you and he is not that interested. It's just a bit of texting isnt going anywhere. Don't get over invested, you say the messaging is one sided and he doesn't seem to be interested in hearing what you have to say. He is clearly not that bothered.
Why on earth would you want to ask him out to an event? Find some other options like online dating. Your tying up a lot of expectation in this, date people that are interested in you.

Ursus Horribilis

jopax wrote: »

Hi op,

I agree with skibunny, he doesn't seem to be interested in doing anything with you. I would imagine that if you did hook up & you liked him, your head would be wrecked by him.

Agreed. You should be thanking your lucky stars that this hasn't gone beyond some flirtation. Believe me, the way he's behaving is not unique. There are plenty of women who've slept with guys they really liked but then found themselves caught up in exactly the same patterns of behaviour as you've described here. Blowing hot and cold, going missing for weeks on end, seemingly not interested in them but then being interested for a while, ignoring texts and messages, being active online but not paying any attention... It's textbook stuff, this. As is you making excuses for him - he's busy, he's playing basketball etc.

Also, even if you decide to ask him out or you meet him when you're out and about, don't make the mistake of having sex with him in the hope that it'll change things. It won't. It will simply leave you with regrets.

dellas1979

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Don't get over invested

This is beyond a valid point OP!

You dont really know anything about this guy (bar he studies, basketball) you dont actually know him.

I understand the frustration of meeting someone you like, and then it stalls.

You need to invest in yourself, and be careful who you put your interests, time, and energy towards. Think of it like minding yourself.
Its a good lesson to learn, if you allow yourself to think that way. Who deserves your attention? And why does this guy deserve it?

Youll attract like minded people then, and it cuts out a lot of the bull.

RhubarbCrumble

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think he's keeping you as an option by occasionally throwing you some crumbs of attention. Really,if anything was going to happen between you two, it'd have happened by now. 5 months is a long time. Being "busy" is one of the oldest chestnuts there is even it comes to making excuses for not seeing someone you're not that pushed about. Really, that's what it all boils down to. You're an option at best.

I agree with this. Also OP, I don't mean to upset you by saying this, but to be honest I suspect he may be messaging/chatting with other girls too and just keeping his options open.

If it were me, I just wouldn't bother messaging him anymore. As Ursus Horribilis said, 5 months is a long time and if something was going to happen, it would probably have happened by now.

Also if it's wrecking your head this much and nothing has even happened, can you imagine what it would be like if you were actually in a relationship with him, worrying about why he wasn't messaging you and whether he was interested or not?

Try and forget about him and move on OP. There are plenty of nice guys out there who'll let you know if they're genuinely interested and won't mess you around.

arayess

Skibunny77 wrote: »

He isn't interested enough..

this is the truth.
being busy is a crock ....people are busy all the time .
No matter how busy you are with exams or sport you always have 30-60mins once a week for a coffee.
If you are into somebody you make the time and that is the truth

You can like them and he probably does "like" but if he really into you , he'd be ringing you a lot more.
there are more keen people out there who will treat you better

batmanrobin

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think he's keeping you as an option by occasionally throwing you some crumbs of attention. Really,if anything was going to happen between you two, it'd have happened by now. 5 months is a long time. Being "busy" is one of the oldest chestnuts there is even it comes to making excuses for not seeing someone you're not that pushed about. Really, that's what it all boils down to. You're an option at best.

What any of us who have been around the block a few times will tell you is that if a man is genuinely interested in you, you'll know all about it. He'll make it his business to see you and to make sure you're not snapped up by some other bloke. I'm not seeing any signs like that here.

Agree with all of this. When he made contact with you after the two months he might well have been checking to make sure you were still an option - and when I say option, I mean someone to keep him entertained until someone he truly likes comes onto the scene.

If he texts you again I'd say ignore him. I'm sure he's made time for plenty of people in his life over the last 5 months. If he was truly interested in you, you wouldn't be posting a thread here. You'd be off out with him.

I've seen it with myself and with friends: when someone is really interested in you, you never have to wonder and there are no games or any kind of nonsense.

njs030

batmanrobin wrote: »

when someone is really interested in you, you never have to wonder and there are no games or any kind of nonsense.

This op. A million, billion times!!!

daisybelle2008

RhubarbCrumble wrote: »

Also OP, I don't mean to upset you by saying this, but to be honest I suspect he may be messaging/chatting with other girls too and just keeping his options open.

I am sure he is, why wouldn't he be, (they haven't even gone for a coffee),but that shouldn't upset the OP, she should be doing the same keeping her options open.
Texting and flirting are not to be taken seriously, if someone isn't measuring up in a romantic sense move on and find someone else, no point flogging a dead horse if you want more.
In fact keeping your options open till you meet someone you really click with is a great way of not over investing in one person so early on.

AbraCadaver

Thanks a bunch for your help! So he got back to me this morning, claiming that he wrote a reply ages ago, but accidentally didn't send the text. Seems like a bull**** excuse to me, but i'll give him the benefit of the doubt. The same stuff has happened to me before (as in, I have accidentally just not sent texts myself), and he seemed genuinely apologetic, so hey, maybe he's for real. Maybe not. I know i'm being a moron by giving him one last shot, since it's probably not worth it, but I don't like giving up on people and just dropping them, no matter who they are.

I've taken what everyone has said into consideration, and I feel like I might make one last attempt. He still is giving me basic one-sentence replies, so I think I might ask what his deal is (in a more polite way, of course!). I'll probably do what Skibunny suggested, and i'll let him know i'd rather talk in person. If he declines, i'll just stop trying. Sure, I won't just go and fully ignore him, but I won't put that much effort into our conversations, if that makes sense..

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

It's textbook stuff, this. As is you making excuses for him - he's busy, he's playing basketball etc.

What exactly did you mean by that? I'm a tad confused. Also, don't worry about me having sex with the guy, or doing something stupid! At the moment, I just want to get a better understanding as to what exactly he wants from me. If he wants us to be friends, fine, that's cool. If he wants something more, well, he's doing it wrong. I'm not really upset about the situation. I'm more confused than anything!

Augme

batmanrobin wrote: »

I've seen it with myself and with friends: when someone is really interested in you, you never have to wonder and there are no games or any kind of nonsense.

This isn't related specifically to the OP but I don't agree with advice like this. It's just not true. Everyone isn't programmed to behave the same way when they like someone, everyone doesn't act the exact same way when they like someone.

gossamer

Oh OP...I wouldn't bother. That "I forgot to send the reply" is such blatant bullsh!t and sums up his attitude towards you. Sure you said it yourself. I would cut him loose and chalk it up to experience.

batmanrobin

Augme wrote: »

This isn't related specifically to the OP but I don't agree with advice like this. It's just not true. Everyone isn't programmed to behave the same way when they like someone, everyone doesn't act the exact same way when they like someone.

Course we're not all wired the same. Which is why I said in my experience and in talking with friends and when they've talked about friends etc etc. A pattern does tend to emerge though. When a guy has been interested, they engage properly, they actually treated me like a human being, they couldn't know enough about me, I was never waiting days or weeks for contact from them, In fact initiating contact was about 50:50. I was never left wondering and they were never too busy, not even the guy who lived a substantial distance from me and really did have loads going on in his life - he made time to see me because I was a priority for him.

But, no, of course not all men are the same and they don't approach dating the same way. Maybe this guy is going about it arseways and really is interested in the OP. Hopefully he is and is just a bit ham fisted in his approach.

Merkin

I'm afraid I see nothing to suggest he's interested. From experience, some people like to have a few irons in the fire so to speak so it sounds like the contact out of the blue was to ascertain if you're still keen. He has ascertained that you are but isn't actually arsed doing anything about it. You also say you feel like you're almost bothering him. If he was genuinely keen you wouldn't feel like this in a million years. I'd delete his details and not waste a minute more on him TBH.

Johngoose

He is not interested in you,in the same way you are interested in him.That is the truth,as painful as that might be for you.Do not waste your time thinking about him.You need to get out and about and try and meet somebody new.It is tough I know,but it is unrequited love.In his defence he hasn't really led you on,apart from possible flirtation when you first met him.My advice might be hard to stomach,but I'm just being honest with you.Life is too short,you need to get over him.Leave him off playing with "Wilson."

AbraCadaver

Merkin wrote: »

it sounds like the contact out of the blue was to ascertain if you're still keen. He has ascertained that you are but isn't actually arsed doing anything about it.

That's what I was thinking initially, but what's the point of doing that? What would he achieve? I mean i'm mainly thinking about it from my perspective. Personally, if I wasn't interested in talking to an individual, I wouldn't. If I found that a person really isn't worth my time, I wouldn't bother trying to get in touch with them, if that makes sense. That's the baffling part that i'm trying to figure out. The way he's behaving, at least in my mind, is highly contradictory.

I mean if you start talking to a person out of the blue, clearly you are interested in speaking to them. Not necessarily romantically (which is absolutely fine), but you start talking to someone because you want to talk to them, right? So then why would you start showing signs of disinterest? Just seems odd to me.

To be honest at this point I don't really mind if nothing romantic were to happen between us. The fact of the matter is; we share a lot of interests and are quite like-minded people, so a nice friendship would still be pretty cool!

batmanrobin

AbraCadaver wrote: »

If he declines, i'll just stop trying. Sure, I won't just go and fully ignore him, but I won't put that much effort into our conversations, if that makes sense..

At the moment, I just want to get a better understanding as to what exactly he wants from me. If he wants us to be friends, fine, that's cool. If he wants something more, well, he's doing it wrong. I'm not really upset about the situation. I'm more confused than anything!

Can I ask, OP, why wouldn't you ignore him? Like, say you give it one more shot and he doesn't bite, why would you not just draw a line under it? Would you be hoping that if you hang in long enough that he might change his mind?

I'm also curious as to why you'd be happy to be just friends when it seems like you want more? Apologies if I'm wrong on that score, but I read it that you're interested in more than friendship?

To be honest it seems like you're willing to be the "cool girl" in the hopes that he'll suddenly see sense and decides he wants more with you.

I was interested in a guy who did the hot and cold thing. Acted like a jackass and after I cut contact months later he got in touch. Foolishly I engaged with him but it wasn't long before I was seeing more of the same: someone who was interested in me only for a ego stroke. He just wanted to make sure I was still interested in him should he ever decide he might want something with me. I drew a line under it then. If he were to contact me now, I'd simply ignore him. Why would I want to engage with someone like that?

Give him another chance by all means, but then I'd be leaving it, and don't leave the door open for him to try and initiate contact after that.

batmanrobin

AbraCadaver wrote: »

That's what I was thinking initially, but what's the point of doing that? What would he achieve? I mean i'm mainly thinking about it from my perspective. Personally, if I wasn't interested in talking to an individual, I wouldn't. If I found that a person really isn't worth my time, I wouldn't bother trying to get in touch with them, if that makes sense. That's the baffling part that i'm trying to figure out. The way he's behaving, at least in my mind, is highly contradictory.

so a nice friendship would still be pretty cool!

He's contacting you, I'd imagine, for the ego stroke. He gets in touch and you respond and then he backs off. He gets in touch again to make sure you're still an option and sure enough you respond. You could waste a lot of time in that cycle. Try not to fall into the trap of thinking it's more than that. Some people, men and women, get off on knowing there is someone(s) out there who they could have at the drop of a hat. Who they can pick up and put down when it suits them.

Also, be real careful of the "I'd be happy to be his friend" line. Again, you could waste a lot of time convincing yourself you're happy with this while subconsciously hoping something more will happen.

Sorry if I'm monopolising, but your situation and even what you've written is soooo similar to what I went through not so long ago I feel like I could have written it, right down to the friends bit.

LegacyUser

If you take anyone's advice, take batmanrobin's. I was in your situation too and wasted so much time on one guy (I despair when I think back tbh). You don't really realise until you're out of it and you'll burn up so much energy on something so very insignificant. You can make all the excuses in the book, but he's just not that interested.

AbraCadaver

batmanrobin wrote: »

Can I ask, OP, why wouldn't you ignore him? Like, say you give it one more shot and he doesn't bite, why would you not just draw a line under it? Would you be hoping that if you hang in long enough that he might change his mind?

I'm also curious as to why you'd be happy to be just friends when it seems like you want more? Apologies if I'm wrong on that score, but I read it that you're interested in more than friendship?

To be honest it seems like you're willing to be the "cool girl" in the hopes that he'll suddenly see sense and decides he wants more with you.

I suppose I can kind of understand where you're coming from, but trying to act "cool" in order to change his mind isn't really what I want. I mean sure, it would work out in my favour, not gonna lie, but it isn't really my 'goal' here.

You are correct in assuming I am interested in something more than a friendship. However, I personally feel as though flat-out ignoring him just because he doesn't feel the same way about me would be a bit childish and 'bratty', for lack of a better word. "If you don't like me back, I want nothing to do with you" sounds incredibly silly in my mind. I know it's very crudely and dramatically put, but that's the basic point here.

batmanrobin wrote: »

He's contacting you, I'd imagine, for the ego stroke. He gets in touch and you respond and then he backs off. He gets in touch again to make sure you're still an option and sure enough you respond. You could waste a lot of time in that cycle. Try not to fall into the trap of thinking it's more than that. Some people, men and women, get off on knowing there is someone(s) out there who they could have at the drop of a hat. Who they can pick up and put down when it suits them.

Also, be real careful of the "I'd be happy to be his friend" line. Again, you could waste a lot of time convincing yourself you're happy with this while subconsciously hoping something more will happen.

Sorry if I'm monopolising, but your situation and even what you've written is soooo similar to what I went through not so long ago I feel like I could have written it, right down to the friends bit.

Oh, don't apologise for "monopolising"! It's absolutely cool. In fact, it's nice to hear from someone who has been in my position before. What you said could be entirely true. It's obviously something I can neither prove or disprove, since I don't know his thoughts. To think that some people need to use others to boost their ego is actually kind of sad, but entirely possible. I don't know what his deal is.

Again, this kind of goes back to one of my previous statements. I'll see if he wants to meet up in person as suggested (where he will really have no option but to talk to me), and if things improve, if he seems to want to interact with me, then yay, go team. I mean it's entirely possible that he's just a terrible texter. I'm not trying to defend him or paint him to be some little angel who can do no wrong, but i'm just saying that it might be a possibility.

If he declines the offer to meet up, or seems equally as disinterested as through text, then yeah, I feel like i'll just drop it. Just out of curiosity, what was the deciding factor in your case that made you just cut contact altogether? I mean you said that you were in a very similar situation to me. What made you realise that it wasn't worth it?

Augme

AbraCadaver wrote: »

That's what I was thinking initially, but what's the point of doing that? What would he achieve? I mean i'm mainly thinking about it from my perspective. Personally, if I wasn't interested in talking to an individual, I wouldn't. If I found that a person really isn't worth my time, I wouldn't bother trying to get in touch with them, if that makes sense. That's the baffling part that i'm trying to figure out. The way he's behaving, at least in my mind, is highly contradictory.

I mean if you start talking to a person out of the blue, clearly you are interested in speaking to them. Not necessarily romantically (which is absolutely fine), but you start talking to someone because you want to talk to them, right? So then why would you start showing signs of disinterest? Just seems odd to me.

To be honest at this point I don't really mind if nothing romantic were to happen between us. The fact of the matter is; we share a lot of interests and are quite like-minded people, so a nice friendship would still be pretty cool!

You should set your standards for friendship higher.

sozbox

AbraCadaver wrote: »

I suppose I can kind of understand where you're coming from, but trying to act "cool" in order to change his mind isn't really what I want. I mean sure, it would work out in my favour, not gonna lie, but it isn't really my 'goal' here.

You are correct in assuming I am interested in something more than a friendship. However, I personally feel as though flat-out ignoring him just because he doesn't feel the same way about me would be a bit childish and 'bratty', for lack of a better word. "If you don't like me back, I want nothing to do with you" sounds incredibly silly in my mind. I know it's very crudely and dramatically put, but that's the basic point here.



Oh, don't apologise for "monopolising"! It's absolutely cool. In fact, it's nice to hear from someone who has been in my position before. What you said could be entirely true. It's obviously something I can neither prove or disprove, since I don't know his thoughts. To think that some people need to use others to boost their ego is actually kind of sad, but entirely possible. I don't know what his deal is.

Again, this kind of goes back to one of my previous statements. I'll see if he wants to meet up in person as suggested (where he will really have no option but to talk to me), and if things improve, if he seems to want to interact with me, then yay, go team. I mean it's entirely possible that he's just a terrible texter. I'm not trying to defend him or paint him to be some little angel who can do no wrong, but i'm just saying that it might be a possibility.

If he declines the offer to meet up, or seems equally as disinterested as through text, then yeah, I feel like i'll just drop it. Just out of curiosity, what was the deciding factor in your case that made you just cut contact altogether? I mean you said that you were in a very similar situation to me. What made you realise that it wasn't worth it?

Seems like he texts when he wants attention, which he gets, and then stops investing until he needs it again. He is definitely screwing with you, it's been 5 months and no meet up? You know deep down the answer to your question.

If I liked someone I would defo find time within a few weeks, never mind months. You seem level headed and sincere, I get the impression you can do better, find someone who deserves your attention

batmanrobin

AbraCadaver wrote: »

Just out of curiosity, what was the deciding factor in your case that made you just cut contact altogether? I mean you said that you were in a very similar situation to me. What made you realise that it wasn't worth it?

He did a pretty s*itty thing which was on the back of months of hot and cold head melting. The thing he did made me realise just how much of an option I was to him and how little he actually respected me. So I cut contact after giving him a piece of my mind.

He got in touch with me a few months after that and I gave it a second go, but I was just seeing more of the same. However, at that point I had actually managed to find my self respect and politely cut contact with him. I'd wasted over a year. I'd really just had enough.

Like you though I would think, well he's contacting me and he's saying x, y and z so he must really like me. The reality of it was that even if he did like me, he didn't like me enough. I think I was just a handy distraction for him.

I take your point on not wanting to appear childish in ignoring him, I had the same thoughts too. But the way I look at it, I didn't really know the guy before, so I wasn't under any obligation to be polite or be his entertainment when he was bored - which, for me, is what it would have felt like. If I saw him on the street I'd be polite but I wouldn't engage in texting or anything else.

In contrast, there was a guy before him who would have moved mountains to be with me, who properly engaged with me, who didn't do those one liners, who just liked me and liked me without any nonsense. Unfortunately, that didn't work out.

SarahMollie

batmanrobin wrote: »

Like you though I would think, well he's contacting me and he's saying x, y and z so he must really like me. The reality of it was that even if he did like me, he didn't like me enough. I think I was just a handy distraction for him.

Exactly this.

He likes you fine. Like he you like he likes Ice cream, or maybe salt and vinegar honkey doreys (insert preference here). If you had to sit together on a bus journey, that would be grand.

But for a relationship, you need a lot more than grand. You need a real connection. No one is too busy for 5 months to make a bit of an effort if they really like someone.

I think you need to let this one go. To him, you're a nice enough girl who's available for an ego stroke on occasion. Value yourself and your attentions a bit more than this.

daisybelle2008

Augme wrote: »

You should set your standards for friendship higher.

And for romantic interests. Find some other hobbies, interests and dating options. You are investing too much effort into this. You'll soon forget about him if you busy yourself up on other more rewarding interactions.

max life

Any update OP??

Merkin

max life wrote: »

Any update OP??

Asking for updates is against the charter, as is resurrecting old threads. If you're not familiar with the charter now might be a good time to go and read it. Thread closed.