Just lost my dad

JillyQ

How does anyone get through this

J Mysterio

Seems irrelevant but hownold was your Dad, how old are you?

Sincere commiserations.

Ruu

Sorry for your loss OP. Have compassion for yourself during this time.

florawest

So sorry for your loss, be kind to yourself and if it helps you talk to people close to you friends etc, grief can come in waves and when least expected the tears will fall won't matter where you are.

longshanks

After some time the pain you feel now will become bearable, and you'll learn to move on. I'm sorry for your loss op, look after yourself and keep him in your heart.

FortySeven

Lost my own father a few months ago to cancer. It gets easier op, time heals. I know it doesn't help to hear that right now but it is true.

My condolences.

Steve

30 years since I lost my dad but I still tear* up when I read a thread like this.

Time will heal the loss but never forget him

*as in watery eye

The_Kew_Tour

Lost my Mum in February. I'm still not sure how I feel

But if I can be of any help, happy to help

I hope you pull through

JillyQ

Thank you all for your replies not sure how I feel at the moment. Feel I've lost half of myself.

Lisha

My condolences JillyQ

be kind to yourself. It's such a huge loss and a monumental adjustment.
I'm sure he would have wanted you to be happy in your life (as all good Dads do). So focus on your dreams and what his dreams were for you.

KikiDee

So sorry to hear of your loss JillyQ.

This is the worst thing you can hear but the only thing to get you through this is time. My own lovely mammy passed away nearly 10 years ago now and I remember people saying that to me at the time. I wanted to punch them. But it was true.

You'll never, ever get over this but I promise, you'll learn to live with it.

Sciencemaster

gradually with time, life will take over, don't bottle up your grief, let it out. You will be better for it.

JillyQ

thank you all for your replies. The mayhem of the last week and a bit is starting to settle down now. Felt quiet weepy this morning. It still feels like we are in a nightmare and cant wake up from it.

JillyQ

FortySeven wrote: »

Lost my own father a few months ago to cancer. It gets easier op, time heals. I know it doesn't help to hear that right now but it is true.

My condolences.

Dad died from cancer as well two weeks to the day from his diagnosis.

MarkR

It'll never hurt less, just less often. Been helping my wife recently after the death of her father, realizing while doing this that I knew him longer than my own dad! Hardest part for her was people offering condolences etc.

Powerfairy

JillyQ wrote: »

Dad died from cancer as well two weeks to the day from his diagnosis.

You poor thing, I lost my dad two weeks ago to cancer too, I am just back to work but find myself reading boards for other people in my situation to see how they are doing, all I know is it will take time, I am still in the numb stage, hope you are eating and sleeping and minding yourself as your dad would want that, x

JillyQ

Powerfairy wrote: »

JillyQ wrote: »

Dad died from cancer as well two weeks to the day from his diagnosis.

You poor thing, I lost my dad two weeks ago to cancer too, I am just back to work but find myself reading boards for other people in my situation to see how they are doing, all I know is it will take time, I am still in the numb stage, hope you are eating and sleeping and minding yourself as your dad would want that, x

Just did my first full day back to work as well. Trying to get as much sleep as I can. It's not easy. Still expect him to walk through the door. Hope you are looking after yourself as well. The grieve hits hard in waves.

dartsplayer

someone close to me died 5 years ago. at the start have a big ol cry. i mean bawl your eyes out you'll feel better. and of course time does heal. condolosenses

dartsplayer

someone close to me died 5 years ago. at the start have a big ol cry. i mean bawl your eyes out. you'll feel better. don't just sniffle that won't help a big cry is what you need and of course time does heal. condolosenses

TheQuietFella

JillyQ wrote: »

How does anyone get through this

You don't get through it but you try to live with it and just carry on.

24 years since mine died and it all seems like yesterday.

Rubberlegs

I'm so sorry for your loss. My Dad is gone coming up on 6 yrs now. I'll never forget how horrendous the first few months were after he passed away. But it does get easier, and I remember him now with a smile, or have a laugh at something he used to do or say. Once in a blue moon I'll have a bad day, but this rarely happens now. You will get through this. Take care.

raglan

Hi JillyQ,

My sincere condolences to you. I lost my Dad 5 months ago after he was a few weeks in hospital unexpectedly. I now look back and can see the first few weeks when I thought I was doing more than OK that I was numb. I go through stages of been OK, then like a wave it comes crashing down and hits you, those times I just want to go somewhere and scream and roar. I feel alone at times as people mean well but I now realise how important simple things are to someone when they are bereaved, like the simple question of "how are you?", I get asked "how is ____ coping? etc.....but selfish as it sounds I want someone to ask how I am, I think 2 people have asked.
Also, I look back at some things that happened with guilt...like we were rung in the middle of night to make it to the hospital about an hour away....but we missed Dad dying by 5 mins, thankfully a nice nurse was with him and I know there's not much that can be done but you do think what if....Down the line I think I may get some bereavement counselling but at this stage I feel it is too early and I'll see how I go.

JillyQ

Thank you all for your replies to my post. I can't believe its four weeks to the day my Dad passed away. Really missing him today. My friends and family have been brillant with me and helped to keep me sane throughout this, Some days have been rougher than others. Im in an office that i used to share with him at the moment, the family business is now in my hands I never realised how much i relied on him for advice and guidence whether it is dealing with customers or suppliers or just general day to day mundane things. Brought my mum to his grave this morning which was very very difficult but she wanted to go and seemed to get some peace from it.

Powerfairy

JillyQ wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies to my post. I can't believe its four weeks to the day my Dad passed away. Really missing him today. My friends and family have been brillant with me and helped to keep me sane throughout this, Some days have been rougher than others. Im in an office that i used to share with him at the moment, the family business is now in my hands I never realised how much i relied on him for advice and guidence whether it is dealing with customers or suppliers or just general day to day mundane things. Brought my mum to his grave this morning which was very very difficult but she wanted to go and seemed to get some peace from it.

I did the same last Saturday for his month anniversary. He passed away at 8.35 at night and I sat there at that time and cried, that I hadn't spoken to him in over a month and that is so strange as I talked to him every day for 20+ years. the grave gives me peace, its quiet and I feel close to my dad there. He will always be with you JillyQ & I bet he is so proud of you. Thinking of you, I take every day at a time, xx Its all very strange but I read somewhere that you do not get over the loss of someone you love you just learn to cope and live with the loss, I thought that was very true, take care thinking of you. sending prayers. x

Drumpot

JillyQ wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies to my post. I can't believe its four weeks to the day my Dad passed away. Really missing him today. My friends and family have been brillant with me and helped to keep me sane throughout this, Some days have been rougher than others. Im in an office that i used to share with him at the moment, the family business is now in my hands I never realised how much i relied on him for advice and guidence whether it is dealing with customers or suppliers or just general day to day mundane things. Brought my mum to his grave this morning which was very very difficult but she wanted to go and seemed to get some peace from it.

I am sorry for your loss, but I know exactly what you are talking about.

My dad died in March (5 months ago yesterday) and I continued on his business. I had been working with him since 2008.. There are so many things I took for granted. Sharing the good and the bad success's. Sharing in painful experiences. Advice that I took for granted or scoffed. Just knowing he was there.

Ive been crying for the last hour. The sadness and loss I feel right now is just horrible. As people have written on this forum, sometimes it feels like I am moving on and then BAM, I feel a gut wrenching sense of loss that is hard to reconcile.

Ive been looking around the office, feeling like I don't want to continue in this business. Everything I do reminds me of him. I get little pleasure from the job without him.

I just really miss him right now.

JillyQ

Drumpot wrote: »

I am sorry for your loss, but I know exactly what you are talking about.

My dad died in March (5 months ago yesterday) and I continued on his business. I had been working with him since 2008.. There are so many things I took for granted. Sharing the good and the bad success's. Sharing in painful experiences. Advice that I took for granted or scoffed. Just knowing he was there.

Ive been crying for the last hour. The sadness and loss I feel right now is just horrible. As people have written on this forum, sometimes it feels like I am moving on and then BAM, I feel a gut wrenching sense of loss that is hard to reconcile.

Ive been looking around the office, feeling like I don't want to continue in this business. Everything I do reminds me of him. I get little pleasure from the job without him.

I just really miss him right now.

Hi Drumpot

Thank you for your reply. Yesterday was a bad day for me as well. Had to visit a customer yesterday who just happened to be the last customer I went to see with my Dad. I know the feeling about not wanting to continue things but you have to ask yourself what would you Dad want you to do in that situation. I worked with my father for over 25 years. He was the brains behind it and if im honest the people person as well. I have to try and move myself into his role which is not easy, and there have been days over the last few weeks where i have felt like jacking it all in, but other days where I say to myself Dad would want me to continue. On top of all that the customer that i went to see yesterday hadnt heard that Dad had died, The first question they asked me was how was he and my mum I had to fight back the tears, but when i came out had a good cry.

Jilly

Lucuma

Jilly I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my father 7 months ago and the first few weeks and months are definitely the worst starting with the day he died being the worst of all and the week after. It's ok now though. I found driving in the car the best time for grieving, alot of people say the shower but I found the car better (assuming you are driving on your own!) I would just roar and get it all out. Once or twice when I was picking my child up from the childminder I'd be after roaring the whole way in the car from work to the childminder and the CM was shocked when she saw my face, I said 'crying for my Dad' the first time and after that she never commented on it again, fair play to her!
I found that you get to a point where you just have to put a lid on the grief, coz you can't get on with life otherwise. There's no set time for when that occurs but for me it just happened gradually over the first few months. I spent a lot of time reliving the awful moments in the hospital over and over again, then I went through a few weeks of kicking myself for not spending enough time with him last Xmas, guilt is the worst of all feelings, it eats your core like a worm. But eventually I had to just park both the guilt and the flashbacks - I just don't allow myself to think of those anymore or dwell on them. My crying over them is done.
It helps me to think 'how did my Dad cope with the loss of his parents?' and I concluded that he coped by looking forwards not backwards, he always lived his life in the forward direction and that's what I'm going to do too, that's what he would want me to do.
I saw a meme on a mothers group last week talking about newborns and saying ''you'll never again be this loved'' (addressing the mothers) and I thought I strongly disagree, I was in my 30s when Dad died and my love for him could fill the Atlantic ocean!

JillyQ

Lucuma wrote: »

Jilly I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my father 7 months ago and the first few weeks and months are definitely the worst starting with the day he died being the worst of all and the week after. It's ok now though. I found driving in the car the best time for grieving, alot of people say the shower but I found the car better (assuming you are driving on your own!) I would just roar and get it all out. Once or twice when I was picking my child up from the childminder I'd be after roaring the whole way in the car from work to the childminder and the CM was shocked when she saw my face, I said 'crying for my Dad' the first time and after that she never commented on it again, fair play to her!
I found that you get to a point where you just have to put a lid on the grief, coz you can't get on with life otherwise. There's no set time for when that occurs but for me it just happened gradually over the first few months. I spent a lot of time reliving the awful moments in the hospital over and over again, then I went through a few weeks of kicking myself for not spending enough time with him last Xmas, guilt is the worst of all feelings, it eats your core like a worm. But eventually I had to just park both the guilt and the flashbacks - I just don't allow myself to think of those anymore or dwell on them. My crying over them is done.
It helps me to think 'how did my Dad cope with the loss of his parents?' and I concluded that he coped by looking forwards not backwards, he always lived his life in the forward direction and that's what I'm going to do too, that's what he would want me to do.
I saw a meme on a mothers group last week talking about newborns and saying ''you'll never again be this loved'' (addressing the mothers) and I thought I strongly disagree, I was in my 30s when Dad died and my love for him could fill the Atlantic ocean!

I absolutely agree with the last sentence Im in my late 40's and could fill the alantic as well.

I just taking it day by day, the good days are getting more and more frequent. still find the business incredible difficult without him here, but we are getting through it. My mothers strengt in getting through this has been the real driving force behind my sister and I being able to cope.

Orion

Hi JillyQ. My condolences to you and your family. I lost my father in June as well to a brain tumor. It was all very surreal especially when my aunt (mother's sister) died on the day of the funeral. Tooks weeks for it to sink in to be honest. For the first few weeks I was a bit numb but I've found the last couple of weeks I've not been sleeping (can't actually remember that last good nights sleep I got) and prone to bouts of high emotions. My brother is now going through it all over again - his mother in law has days left. It's all very fresh with our father so it could be that bringing it all back home again.

As others said it comes in waves but time is the greatest healer. Talk to friends and family about him and your feelings - don't internalise it - something I'm prone to do myself. Talking does help - even if it's just to let anger and grief out.

JillyQ

Orion wrote: »

Hi JillyQ. My condolences to you and your family. I lost my father in June as well to a brain tumor. It was all very surreal especially when my aunt (mother's sister) died on the day of the funeral. Tooks weeks for it to sink in to be honest. For the first few weeks I was a bit numb but I've found the last couple of weeks I've not been sleeping (can't actually remember that last good nights sleep I got) and prone to bouts of high emotions. My brother is now going through it all over again - his mother in law has days left. It's all very fresh with our father so it could be that bringing it all back home again.

As others said it comes in waves but time is the greatest healer. Talk to friends and family about him and your feelings - don't internalise it - something I'm prone to do myself. Talking does help - even if it's just to let anger and grief out.

Omg you have certainly been through the mill. I don't know if I would have been able to get through all of that. Got really angry yesterday with my sister. Everything just spued over as my mum needs someone with her all the time my sister was to be there at lunchtime but didn't appear till after 7pm. We have a carer during the week but on weekends we split it. The majority of it falls to me through as she lives a couple of hours away. Think the anger was a build up of everything that's gone on since dad's death

Speedwell

Jilly, like any other pain, it takes time to heal, just as others have said. Be kind to yourself and don't "put too much weight on a broken leg" for now. A good tactic when things get overwhelming is to "breathe in good and breathe out the bad"; when you take a good slow breath in, think of good things about your dad and yourself; when you breathe out, think of your breath clearing you of the pain and stress so you can make more room for the good things. There won't be a time when you think of your dad without a bit of sorrow that he's gone, but then again, that's just part of losing someone, and it shows you loved them. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that the worse you feel about his passing, the more you must have loved him. At some point things become bearable and you don't have the pain you once felt, but the love doesn't go away.

Lucuma

Jilly that's tough going with your remaining parent having health concerns as well as having to keep a family business going without your Dad's leadership. You are some woman! Fair play to you, you have a lot on your shoulders. I hope you have a good relationship with your sister coz I have found mine a huge source of strength since we lost my father, we talk about him, the loss and how it makes us feel. She's the only other person that feels the same as me (well apart from my brothers but irish lads don't talk about this stuff) so try to keep the lines of communication open. It's such a heartbreaking loss

Drumpot

Orion wrote: »

Hi JillyQ. My condolences to you and your family. I lost my father in June as well to a brain tumor. It was all very surreal especially when my aunt (mother's sister) died on the day of the funeral. Tooks weeks for it to sink in to be honest. For the first few weeks I was a bit numb but I've found the last couple of weeks I've not been sleeping (can't actually remember that last good nights sleep I got) and prone to bouts of high emotions. My brother is now going through it all over again - his mother in law has days left. It's all very fresh with our father so it could be that bringing it all back home again.

As others said it comes in waves but time is the greatest healer. Talk to friends and family about him and your feelings - don't internalise it - something I'm prone to do myself. Talking does help - even if it's just to let anger and grief out.

My dad died on a Tuesday and my mums sister (my Aunt) died less then a week later. Its been nearly 6 months now and to be honest, I feel like its still very raw. Just had another wave of emotion this morning before I came back into the office.

I worked with my dad and find it very difficult to motivate myself at the moment. There are days when I am apathetic to everything, a sort of "whats the point!" even though I know I have to get something done. It unnerves me, but my therapist says that I have to show myself compassion and learn to let it out.

Talking helps alright but my internal critic is constantly telling me people don't want to hear me whine so its kind of a paradox. It feels good to get it out but I feel bad because I feel a bit self absorbed and full of self pity. I suppose in time I can reflect back on this period with a bit more objectivity.

Speedwell

Drumpot, sure, everyone does not always want to hear you express your distress in every place at every time, but please rest assured that those who support you, especially those who are on this thread, choose to be here and listen to you. Really, it's OK. What we want to see and what we hope for you is that the "good days" begin to get more frequent and the "bad days" start to be less bad as time goes by.

Lucuma

Drumpot wrote: »

Talking helps alright but my internal critic is constantly telling me people don't want to hear me whine so its kind of a paradox. It feels good to get it out but I feel bad because I feel a bit self absorbed and full of self pity. I suppose in time I can reflect back on this period with a bit more objectivity.

You've hit on something there! I actually was touched to the point of tears to see so many people chime in on this thread and say they are in a similar boat. One of the things I find very hard is that there are very few or no opportunities to discuss what a massive, massive change I am going through. In so many ways. Firstly coz my Dad was one of the people I'm closest to in the world, and the very fact of his absence is one of the biggest things ever to happen in my life - not there to send me a text wishing me luck, asking how my kids are, asking me how the weather is when I'm on holidays, wasn't there to wish me birthday or to discuss the fascinating results of the general election or the championship with.....so many examples of an empty hole in my life. But everyone wants to hear about and discuss the happy occasions and milestones in your life, people skirt around the ones that are difficult to talk about, like death. The only people I could have a conversation with about it, are others who have lost a parent as well. So if you're lucky enough to have close friends or family to talk to it about, great but if not you could have hardly any opportunities to talk about it. That's why I think this thread is very healthy.
Another thing, I feel that now that I have witnessed death - and I don't mean to be insensitive to those who didnt' make it for their loved one's final moments - another way of putting it is now that I realise that someone who was in your life every single day of your life can disappear in a matter of seconds and never be there again - now that I actually know and feel what the reality of that means, I feel like I'm a different person. I feel like the naive happiness I had about the world will never come back, anyone else feel that way? And yet this is never discussed when you meet people apart from the cursory 'how's your mother?' (which by the way I appreciate......it's better than those that say nothing at all)

maryk123

I lost my dad three weeks ago and to say I have been hit by a bus is an understatement. I can't believe I won't see or speak to him again. I have never experienced loss before and can't explain it to people who have not. My friends are saying I can't believe how sad you are but some days I feel over whelmed by it all. I am quite a positive person and always see the bright side. Some days I am fine but other days it hits me in waves. Going to my parents house is very hard my mam is there but everything about him is in the house he was such a happy go lucky dad and I feel this when I call home. My kids are keeping us all going as life has to go on and you have to get up and continue with everyday life which sometimes I find great as it doesn't give me time to think. When I have time to think I think about everything that happened in the last couple of weeks and I thought as lucuma thought will I ever be happy again like before this happened.

JillyQ

maryk123 wrote: »

I lost my dad three weeks ago and to say I have been hit by a bus is an understatement. I can't believe I won't see or speak to him again. I have never experienced loss before and can't explain it to people who have not. My friends are saying I can't believe how sad you are but some days I feel over whelmed by it all. I am quite a positive person and always see the bright side. Some days I am fine but other days it hits me in waves. Going to my parents house is very hard my mam is there but everything about him is in the house he was such a happy go lucky dad and I feel this when I call home. My kids are keeping us all going as life has to go on and you have to get up and continue with everyday life which sometimes I find great as it doesn't give me time to think. When I have time to think I think about everything that happened in the last couple of weeks and I thought as lucuma thought will I ever be happy again like before this happened.

Mark I know exactly what you are feeling, I find it very strange and sureal still I'm almost two months down the line. I went to start going through one his drawers in our kitchen today it lasted about 30 seconds and then I just couldn't continue with it. I will say one thing a day will come where you will remember something funny your dad did and you will smile.

Aineoil

Hello Jilly,
I lost my aunt and godmother on the 17th of August many years ago. I lost my father-in-law the next day on the 18th of August.

My husband's grandfather died in February of that year and my granny died also that year.

To be honest that year was a blur.

I miss all those people so much and they never got to see their grandson or their grandaunt. My son never met those wonderful people.

Time makes a distance of the grief, but the absence of those people's presence never goes away.

To people who have lost dear loved ones I am with you all.

JillyQ

Aineoil funny you should mention the 18th of August my dad would have been 79 on that day. Think that was the hardest and most heartbreaking day so far. It was a day that should have been full of celebration but instead was full of sadness. But in a weird sort of way I'm glad it happened so close to his deathe as it made us deal with a milestone so close to his death. I made a promise to myself before that day that I would try and only talk about the good times with him that day. I spent time with my mum and contacted two of my dad's brothers and said to each off them canow we only chat about the good times we actually ended up having a little bit of a laugh which is exactly what my dad would have wanted

Lucuma

maryk123 wrote: »

I lost my dad three weeks ago and to say I have been hit by a bus is an understatement. I can't believe I won't see or speak to him again. I have never experienced loss before and can't explain it to people who have not. My friends are saying I can't believe how sad you are but some days I feel over whelmed by it all. When I have time to think I think about everything that happened in the last couple of weeks and I thought as lucuma thought will I ever be happy again like before this happened.

Mary your friends that are saying 'I can't believe how sad you are' they clearly haven't lost a parent that they were close to. It's a devestating loss and so recent so of course you are in bits. I was the same with going over and over the events leading up to his death in my mind. It's a trauma and when we suffer a trauma we have to deal with it rather than bury it. If you bury it, it could come up again in a negative way in the future so better to get it out even though grief is a messy business!

maryk123

A friend called for a few days recently and we spoke about dad dying and events leading up to it we cried and cried and I have to say I feel better for it. I have gone a couple of days now without crying and being able to think of him which is great. There are such big changes when someone dies. Mam is on her own now and feels house is too quiet for her to stay on her own she stays with me for now and goes home every day and is happy to do that. Even though I am grieving for dad I feel so sorry for my mother who is heartbroken and trying to put on a brave face.
I know we need time and time heals but Its hard

JillyQ

maryk123 wrote: »

A friend called for a few days recently and we spoke about dad dying and events leading up to it we cried and cried and I have to say I feel better for it. I have gone a couple of days now without crying and being able to think of him which is great. There are such big changes when someone dies. Mam is on her own now and feels house is too quiet for her to stay on her own she stays with me for now and goes home every day and is happy to do that. Even though I am grieving for dad I feel so sorry for my mother who is heartbroken and trying to put on a brave face.
I know we need time and time heals but Its hard

My mum is at home in our home hse we got a carer in for her during the week and split the weekends between us aunts and uncles also spend time therever at the weekend. It's important to keep your mum busyou aso well

maryk123

Mam doesn't need a career she is fit and well and drives it's just the house is so quiet for her. It's early days now in fairness. She would love to stay at home but has never lived alone. We will see how it goes.

raglan

Maryk123,
I understand completely about you worrying about your mum. My Dad died 6 months ago, him and Mum were always together. I live nearby with my family and Mum drives but obviously had never lived on her own before and even when we were growing up hated being on her own if she was left in the house, doors would be locked straightaway. It's a whole new life for her and adapting to it is hard for her but she has good days and bad days. I stay one night a week and occasionally my brother stays as well one night. As well as our own grief which comes in waves and the nights getting longer it is so hard sometimes walking into the different rooms of the house and remembering how things once were when Dad was alive but they are all happy memories, and I hope he is in a better place watching over us. I did suggest to my mum to join clubs etc but she was never that way inclined, she has no siblings living nearby and our family is small. She has good neighbours and one or two friends, her saving grace is that she can drive also and is in relatively good health so she can be out and about, also her pet dogs have been a great source of comfort too to her.

JillyQ

Can't believe it's over four months ago since I started this thread. So much has changed since then. The grief is bareable now. But still hard at times. I have found out who my real friends are, some of whom I hadn't heard from in years before dad's passing, but they got in contact as soon as they heard about dad. I'm starting to feel ok again about getting on with my life and doing the things I enjoy with friends and family.

Ben Gadot

That's great Jilly, so glad for you.

I don't know if I'd call it "moving on" but you wake up one day and just realise what life is now. How life used to be, while still dear and vivid, just seems distant now.

JillyQ

It's 6 months ago to the day that my dad passed away. I just wanted to thank all of you who contributed to this thread. You were right the pain easys and you learn how to deal with it. The smiles and laughs are starting to replace the tears and pain. Some of my friends have even said I should write a book on my father's achievements in life, because of what they knew of him and the stories I have told of my childhood.

Lucuma

Glad you're feeling a bit better Jenny. Just had the 1 year anniversary myself, it was hard. Very emotional replaying and reliving the awful days that lead up to his death. Makes you wonder why we commemorate the anniversary ....why not their birthday instead! The anniversary is a reminder of one of the worst days of your life!
Anyway I can't believe it's been over 1 year now, so I can never again say 'this time last year he was here or there or doing x,y or z' from now on and forever more it'll be 'this time last year he was dead'.
I miss him so much!

LegacyUser

I lost my dad few months ago. It's very hard.. I feel like part of me is just gone and never coming back. I hope it will get easier but at the moment just can't see that.