Married to someone fighting depression

LostTazMan

Hi, I would appreciate outside opinions and suggestions on ways to make our situation more bearable.

I have been fighting depression for many years now. I am on medication which is a huge help, but I still sometimes loose control. My wife has been a crucial support to me, and I am certain that I would have killed myself a long time ago if it hadn't been for her fighting for me and keeping me going.

The problem is that I find myself having made stupid mistakes in small issues that I cannot justify even to myself when I am very low. For example today I spent €10 on a magazine which I knew we couldn't afford, after we had spoken this morning and agreed that we couldn't afford it. This was quite rightly taken as me ignoring her opinion and wasting money we don't have to spare.

I knew I was low, but I didn't realise that I was enough to need to get every decision I made checked by someone. I am now afraid to take our daughter for a treat tomorrow, not because I will hurt either of us, but because I can't trust myself not to strand us in the middle of nowhere by making an incorrect and stupid decision. So not only have I upset both of us, I will have to disapoint my daughter too.

How do I explain how I was thinking when I can't understand it myself?

The one answer I can come up with is that every time I am even a bit low I will have to tell her, and put extra stress on her needlessly. This also makes me out like the boy who cried wolf, and she will be so tired of me that she will give up.

TL;DR - How can I understand myself enough to control myself when depression kicks in?

Thanks for reading the post, and for any opinions or suggestions.

LTM

looksee

I suspect this is something that you need proper counselling for. It would be pretty much impossible for us to figure out all the possible issues on a discussion forum. Can you go to your GP and get a recommendation for someone to help you?

LostTazMan

Thanks looksee. I have been to councilling on several occasions over the years, and while they have helped me with coping strategies I have never been able to work out all of the things that will trigger a bad bout. The end of a period of stress and if I miss taking my medication for more than a day are the ones I watch particularly, but neither is the case this time.

I will contact my GP on Monday to see what I can do to help myself.

lazeedaisy

First off, people with depression learn to recognize their stressors, everyone is different and with the relevant help from a Healthcare professional you get to recognize yours.

I was in a similar position maybe 7 years ago and it took my husband maybe 4 years before he could trust his decisions. I it's a long road for anyone with depression and even longer for spouses IMHO. there was help for the person who was ill but feck all for me anyway.

I can imagine your wife knows already.

It's a tough road with a good GP for us it was anyway. I can happily say it does get better, together you learn to recognize your stressor symptoms and work together to ensure you can trust your instincts.

I sympathize with you for how you feel now, but with the right medication and support you learn to manage it but the main thing is working together

StanleyOllie

You spent E10.... that really isnt so bad. Its not like you spent 100 or 1000. We all do stuff like that even if we are in great spirits. Right you agreed you couldnt afford it but hey we all need a treat whether its coffee and a cake or whatever. Just try not to do it very often.
Dont let this incident ruin your day with your daughter. Make up your mind to trust yourself to go out with her. Bring your phone incase you need to contact someone. But have some faith in yourself to give your daughter a good day. If you succeed it might be a building block in your recovery.

leggo

Don't think of yourself as a 'stress'. This is your wife, the person who loves you more than anyone on the planet and has committed to being with you in sickness and in health. You aren't stressing her by talking to her about how you are feeling, especially if not doing so can have real world affects that can do damage, you're helping yourself and, thus, her in the long run by asking for help. You're being a man and doing the right thing by your family in knowing your limitations and seeking help where necessary. That takes strength. Your wife will respect you more if you take the steps necessary to make yourself and everyone else around you happier.

Makapakka

I'm coming it of a funk now n have been writing almost every night for the last two weeks. in that time I've discovered more about myself than in the last our years of therapy and I finally feel ready to do something about it. those moments when I write are times for me to really dig deep and get to the bottom of my depression. it makes me recognise what triggers it as mentioned above, and then I can decide how I want to approach it. could you do something similar, take even ten minutes a night to just sit with your thoughts? Sometimes the fear of having the bad thoughts can make it much worse but by just sitting with them, you are accepting them and then you can let them move on. I know how scary it is to accept bad thoughts but even just try it for a week and see how you feel. I hope this makes sense!

LostTazMan

Thanks for all the responses, they have given me food for thought. I went to my GP who diagnosed a chest infection. The broken sleep and the infection may have contributed to my meltdown.

Sorry for the slow response, my wife was sick so I had to look after her and our children. It was tough but helped me prove to myself again that I am not a waste of oxygen!

Regards,
LTM