Leave me the Fook alone!

Witchie

I am a very caring, giving person who is blessed with wonderful family and friends. They rely on me a lot. Usually I can handle that. Not this week.

I am recovering from a virus, am permanently exhausted, under pressure in work and would just love a few days with no one making demands on me.

Unfortunately my son needs constant dropping off and collecting from rehearsals for a show he is in, my parents are needy as fook and one of my best mates, who never stops messaging in normal circumstances, has the added upset of her mother being very ill so I am trying to comfort her and be there for her, which means very little sleep when I am already in bits.

Add into this a group of girls I am friends with are planning a trip to Germany for the christmas markets in November. All great except that my friend who is the main organiser is "ocd about things like this" as she puts it herself.

In other words every 5 minutes she is wrecking my head with texts or calls about the trip. I have told her that I won't know for another few days whether I can go or not but she is insisting that she is going to book the flights tomorrow and has the accommodation booked already.

I am just so tired and would love to just go away on my own for a day or 2 with no one annoying me, or messaging me, or calling me.

Agggh help! Has anyone any idea how I can basically tell everyone to F off without insulting them?

Lady is a tramp

OK I reckon prioritise!

Depending on your son's age, he should probably get priority. However ... how about getting some me-time while he's at rehearsals, just don't even bring your phone, bring a book or go for a walk while he's there. Alternatively, any chance of arranging lifts with a friend for the next few days? Even if it's inconvenient, you could offer to return the favour in a couple of weeks, could suit them perfectly!

Your parents - what way are they needy? Are there other children/friends they can rely on? Best thing is probably to just tell them you're still recovering from your virus and that you won't be around much the next few days. And ignore any phonecalls/texts if they're excessive.

Your friend whose mum is unwell - any chance you could raise it with her for you to ring her just once each evening, rather than constant texts? Even if only for a few days. At least then you can kind of build yourself up to it. And just explain to her you're under loads of pressure right now - she's your friend, I'm sure she'll understand.

As for the Germany thing, tell your you'll book for yourself if you decide to go. If she goes ahead with booking for you anyways and you decide not to go, tough shlt, let her be out of pocket, you made it clear that you can't commit just yet.

For your own sanity, I would recommend just leaving your phone on Airplane mode for most of the day right now, maybe turning it on for say a set two hours in the evening. That way you can set the time aside in the evening to reply to whoever you need to reply to, without being stressed and distracted by constant calls and texts throughout the day.

Hope you're feeling better soon. It does all sound very overwhelming!

Witchie

Lady is a tramp wrote: »

OK I reckon prioritise!

Depending on your son's age, he should probably get priority. However ... how about getting some me-time while he's at rehearsals, just don't even bring your phone, bring a book or go for a walk while he's there. Alternatively, any chance of arranging lifts with a friend for the next few days? Even if it's inconvenient, you could offer to return the favour in a couple of weeks, could suit them perfectly!

Your parents - what way are they needy? Are there other children/friends they can rely on? Best thing is probably to just tell them you're still recovering from your virus and that you won't be around much the next few days. And ignore any phonecalls/texts if they're excessive.

Your friend whose mum is unwell - any chance you could raise it with her for you to ring her just once each evening, rather than constant texts? Even if only for a few days. At least then you can kind of build yourself up to it. And just explain to her you're under loads of pressure right now - she's your friend, I'm sure she'll understand.

As for the Germany thing, tell your you'll book for yourself if you decide to go. If she goes ahead with booking for you anyways and you decide not to go, tough shlt, let her be out of pocket, you made it clear that you can't commit just yet.

For your own sanity, I would recommend just leaving your phone on Airplane mode for most of the day right now, maybe turning it on for say a set two hours in the evening. That way you can set the time aside in the evening to reply to whoever you need to reply to, without being stressed and distracted by constant calls and texts throughout the day.

Hope you're feeling better soon. It does all sound very overwhelming!

Thank you Lady. I think you have given me some good ideas there. I think I will turn off wifi on my phone etc during the work day, only worry is if my friend's mum dies, she will not think of texting me or ringing me as she always uses messenger. I feel bad letting her down as she has always been there for me and she is already upset that I am going to be moving soon (hopefully to Dublin initially and then to Asia in a few months) and being very clingy. She is a carer for her mum and really has no life outside of her mum and me so its a tough one.

As for my son, I might be able to get him a lift one or 2 days and I do like the idea of when I go drop him, going for a walk or taking a book and switching off my phone.

I am currently residing in a granny flat at my parents and it feels like every 10 minutes they are coming in and asking me to do stuff for them. I feel guilty that I am not able to do as much for them these days. My dad was recently diagnosed with an aneurism and my mum has health issues already. I want to spend time with them and help them out but they are driving me mad so am fighting myself not to snap at them. My mum has gotten quite snappy with me these days and it is making me feel on edge. Anytime I express an opinion my mum is jumping down my throat so I just want to avoid them. Aggghhh!

I have told my friend to go ahead and book for the rest of them tomorrow and I will book my own flight when I know what is happening with other life commitments. She has said she will wait but that makes me worry that if they do that and the flights go up, they will be angry at me. I just don't need this silly pressure at a time when there is a lot of other stuff going on. When she (was gonna say "if" but I know she will) messages tomorrow I am going to tell her that I won't go at all if she keeps putting me under pressure.

Lady is a tramp

How about you just tell her you've decided not to go (family commitments, lack of funds, whatever) and that she should go ahead and book.

Then you can make up your mind in your own time. You have aaaalll the time between now and then to book for yourself when/if you decide to go. And if you turn around in a couple of weeks (when things have calmed down for you) and tell them you've changed your mind and will go after all, sure won't they only be delighted!

I'd just be worried that if you snap at her while under pressure and threaten not to come, it might put a downer on the whole holiday (if you do go) ... at least this way you could just tell her nicely you won't be going and get her off your back, and then make your decision in your own time!

bonyn

You sound like someone who needs to be needed.

Also im guessing a lot of your problem involves your need to respond to texts.

Drop off to rehersals: can he get a lift with someone or walk/cycle/bus/taxi?

Parents.. turn off the volume on your phone. Check it no more than once an hour and turn it off at 9pm

Ill mother friend... as above. Dont be glued to your phone. Tell your friend the phone is hurting your eyes (migraine) but she can pop round to you for tea if she'd like a chat.

Trip to germany.. say you can't go. If you change your mind you can always book a flight and hotel

And relax..

Witchie

bonyn wrote: »

You sound like someone who needs to be needed.

Also im guessing a lot of your problem involves your need to respond to texts.

Drop off to rehersals: can he get a lift with someone or walk/cycle/bus/taxi?

Parents.. turn off the volume on your phone. Check it no more than once an hour and turn it off at 9pm

Ill mother friend... as above. Dont be glued to your phone. Tell your friend the phone is hurting your eyes (migraine) but she can pop round to you for tea if she'd like a chat.

Trip to germany.. say you can't go. If you change your mind you can always book a flight and hotel

And relax..

I used to like being needed when I had little else going on in my life, but when I went back to college a few years ago and started my own business I really have enough to be getting on with without being the only person my parents turn to all the time. Am done with being needed. I am burnt out.

We live in the middle of the country so no bus and its a bit too far for him to be cycling home from at 10 at night so that is out. Can't really afford to be coughing up for taxis but will ask if he can get dropped home by someone.

All well and good turning off my phone, my parents live upstairs and just walk down and knock on my living room door so there is no escaping them at the moment!

My mate knows am stressed so will tell her am going to bed now and she will leave me alone. I won't answer her messages during the day unless they are urgent about her mum.

Germany, yeah will tell them to go ahead and book that it is unlikely I can go. I know they will be very pissed off with me though as the trip is kinda a last hurrah before I go travelling and I can't use the money angle as it is very cheap but I am worried about money, also worried because I am hoping to get a contract that will keep me busy up to Christmas and not sure I can take a Friday and a Monday up as the project will be coming to an end and I may be working harder than ever at that stage. Also was just in that city 2 weeks ago with this girl and her family and while it was lovely, have no mega desire to go back again although with the other girls it would be fun.

Aw I just really needed to rant coz I can't rant to any of my friends since they are a big part of the stress!!

Skibunny77

You have recognised you are burned out - that means that you literally don't have the emotional energy to be there for people/to carry extra stress at the moment. You need to simply say that to friends. Send a text/email to all of them, saying that you've been ill, have been increasingly stressed and are feeling overwhelmed, that you'll be fine but that you have had some advice and recognise you need a bit of time out from life at the moment, so you won't be as available and you may be quieter on text/answering calls etc. Communicate with people, be honest, practice saying no and don't rush in to try and fix their reactions. Some friends will understand, others will be temporarily miffed. It's up to them how they react or support you. You need time out from being the supporter. Space from the friendship stuff, might give you the energy to cope with the home dynamic. I'd also recommend you try some of the many 5/10 min combating stress mindfulness exercises that you will find on YouTube.

Witchie

Thank you bunny.

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi there
I have read your post. I am sorry to hear about you. You are burnt out so my advice to you is to not go ahead with the trip tell your friend that you have other things on and that you cant go to Germany. Also with your son how old is he? Maybe ask one of his friends parents to drive him home and with your friends mother tell her that you are very sorry for her but you are unwell at the moment so just turn off your mobile phone and do some relaxtion go on You Tube and look up meditation exercises. Also go to bed early every night and get a good nights sleep. If your friends mother dies tell her that you are sorry for loss and that she can call over for a cup of tea anytime she wants but just tell people to leave you alone and get as much rest as possible. The meditation videos on You Tube are a great way to relax and also a warm bath with lots of calming oils is another great way to relax just light some candles turn on some relaxing music and do deep breathing exercises.
best of luck

Witchie

Thank you Ryan. My son is 18 but can't drive. There is only one person in the play that lives out this direction so will try and see if they can do some of the dropping off and collecting for a few days to ease that burden.

I have been working hard all day with all social media disabled and yet my friend about the Germany trip rang while I was working. I would never ever ring her while she is in work (she is a teacher so she is free at the moment) so am really annoyed that she rang when she knew I would be working. I ignored the call and even though am finished work now for the weekend, I will leave it a while to ring her back as am too annoyed to talk to her at the moment.

I have told my friend with the ill mother that I am going offline but to text or call me if she needs me. I just text her to check in but she has no real news at the moment. I am less annoyed about talking to her as she needs someone at the moment. Thankfully another friend of ours who is a nurse has been able to meet her on her breaks so that gives her some support.

My son will be working this evening until late so will tell him to get a taxi home instead of me going to collect him and will try to have a calm, restful "me" evening.

Thanks for all the advice, am starting to feel a little less stressed just knowing people are listening to me moan!

LegacyUser

I know how you feel as I have been there. I also have a friend who a is dealing with a number of issues like you at the moment.

Your friend who is mother is not well. I think it is important to keep in contact with her as she is having a hard time. I am glad you told her about how you feel but she still knows your their if/when anything happens to her mother.

In regards to your parents how will they manage when you move away in time? I would tell your brothers and sisters that you need help in regards to your mother and father. I would also look into any extra support they could get via a public health nurse/home help or if they could go a day care centre a few days a week. The reality is you won't be around in a few months time so you can start to get them use to this fact now.

Your freind who is booking the trip to Germany being honest I don't know how you are putting up with her. She knows your not well and dealing with a lot but is not taking the hint to give you a brake. At this stage I would tell her to book the flights for her and the others going. Tell her that you don't know if you can go yet but if you decide to go later you can book a flight then.
Tell her you are busy in work and as a self employed person it is not always easy to plan things/take time off when your busy.

rainbowtrout

Witchie wrote: »

I have been working hard all day with all social media disabled and yet my friend about the Germany trip rang while I was working. I would never ever ring her while she is in work (she is a teacher so she is free at the moment) so am really annoyed that she rang when she knew I would be working. I ignored the call and even though am finished work now for the weekend, I will leave it a while to ring her back as am too annoyed to talk to her at the moment.

Maybe for the future, and it's something you can put in place now, is the way you view calls/messages/texts/emails etc. It is annoying if someone is calling you when you are working, but a lot of people rarely think if you are off, they are only thinking that it's convenient to them. Answer calls and texts only if it suits you. Reply in your own time. Give yourself the break from the constant interaction which is currently draining you.

Witchie

Thank you both.

Firstly Lady, yes am glad am there for my friend with the sick mum, she really needs me. I took her out for dinner tonight and a couple of drinks so that both of us could relax a little. I feel a bit better thankfully but looking forward to ignoring the world tomorrow.

My younger sister is coming with me travelling, one of my brothers can barely mind himself and the other one just has his own life. None of them live near my parents. They are thankfully fairly well and healthy, just helpless in other ways. For example, my dad is selling some property in Florida and I have to constantly deal with his emails, contracts, scanning stuff, reading stuff through etc. Thankfully this is the last one so things should quieten down soon, its just hard at the moment.

I told the german trip friend that I am not going and that they should book and if things change I will join them. Luckily the accommodation is 2 apartments so there will be room for me if I do decide to go, so at least the pressure is off. They have booked their flights.

December2012

For your own sanity, also keep timelines in mind.

It's great you got the Germany trip off your list

Your son will be finished the play soon? Then that will be off your list

Same with dads Florida property

If you feel bad about your friend with the sick Mam, then doing the dinner again would be nice for you both.

Pawwed Rig

Turn off your phone.

Faith

Am I missing something here? You are having issues with work, your son's needs, your parents' needs and the needs of a friend with a sick parent... So you're dealing with it by not going on holidays for a few days? That makes no sense to me?

My advice would be to go away somewhere. By yourself or with others; that's your choice. Go away, turn your phone off and leave everyone deal with their shît themselves. I think you'd be amazed by how much they can manage without you, and you'll be able to relax for a bit. This will help you set boundaries in the future too .

retro:electro

Op have you considered that you might be depressed?

Witchie

Faith wrote: »

Am I missing something here? You are having issues with work, your son's needs, your parents' needs and the needs of a friend with a sick parent... So you're dealing with it by not going on holidays for a few days? That makes no sense to me?

My advice would be to go away somewhere. By yourself or with others; that's your choice. Go away, turn your phone off and leave everyone deal with their shît themselves. I think you'd be amazed by how much they can manage without you, and you'll be able to relax for a bit. This will help you set boundaries in the future too .

Ha ha. The trip isn't until November and as I won't know what way things are work wise for a few more days, I can't really make any plans. I am hoping to take on a project which won't finish until December and as the trip is towards the end of the project I can't see myself being able to take a Friday and Monday off work to go.

I really do want to go away somewhere by myself but until my son's play run ends it is next week it is not really feasible. I was just burnt out for a few days but now that I have told people how I was feeling and also said no to the trip in November, I have been able to relax a little more and feel less stressed.

As for being depressed as you say Anna, I have always had a bit of depression in my life and when am under stress it does raise its head again. I deal with it by just taking some downtime and then am grand again. I actually am beginning to see a bit of a pattern. Due to my contraceptives, I don't actually get periods, but always know when am ovulating, so know when I should be having a period and my down swing in mood seems to coincide with this. I am monitoring that and will try to plan as much as possible my life knowing that my mood will dip at that time of the month. It won't always be possible, but at least I will understand why am feeling a bit off and not wanting to interact as much with people.

Without going into too much detail, I have had an awful lot of stress over the years. I have raised my kids on my own with no support from their dad, gone back and gotten myself 2 degrees and set up my own business. I have had a very ill family member to deal with as well as a sexual assault from an ex and a date rape so I know am made of strong stuff and will battle on, just sometimes I need not to have to answer to others.

If I get this new contract I will be moving away from my parents and will finally be living on my own as my youngest will be in college accommodation. I can't wait for this as I feel then I will fully be able to shut the door, turn off the phone and answer to no one unless I feel like it. Fingers crossed all is sorted in a few days.

December2012

Maybe book a few days away in a hotel for you and your son for a weekend in August.

Witchie

December2012 wrote: »

Maybe book a few days away in a hotel for you and your son for a weekend in August.

Feck him, he can stay! I am hoping to go see my best mate just outside London for a few days soon though so that might be enough of a break. But can't even book that until I know what is happening with the contract I am hoping to land.