Boyfriend clubbing several times a week and barely contacts me?

Kayleighbean

Hi all, just need a few opinions on what to do here. Me and my boyfriend have been together over three years and are both in our mid twenties. But the last two or three months he's constantly being going out and barely making any time for me at all. He can dissapear for days at a time drinking with his friends and I never know who he's with or where he is and it's driving me crazy. He doesn't have a phone bdw (never got his repaired). We already have trust issues as he cheated on me at the start of our relationship and because of this I did the same which he obviously knows about (stupid I know but I was hurt). I've obviously started to get really upset about him drinking and going out all the time and he says i'm controlling?? like I don't mind anyone having nights out with their friends but this is taking the piss and making me miserable .. I don't know if he just wants to be single or if he's started liking someone else but I know for a fact if it was me going out all the time and not contacting him he would probably never speak to me again. I've had one night out in the last 2 or so months and he went crazy over that night when he had been out roughly 20 times since the last time i was out before that. I just want him to show me that he loves me like he says he does but my gut is telling me he's bored of me and wants to be single.

D0NNELLY

Move on.. there is no relationship there, just a girlfriend for when he's not out on the lash..

Nothing wrong with going out on the lash of course, ye just want different things.

squonk

Sounds like it's over for him anyway and you're just there for when he has nothing better to be doing, and you don't want to be that person. Move on and find someone who really values you.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you know what you have to do here.

It doesn't sound like much of a relationship to be honest. He cheated on you at the start which is a bad sign. Then you did the same. So there are trust issues and that is what I consider to be a relationship killer. How can you be happy in a relationship when don't trust your other half? Seriously? I also find it very hard to believe that he is going around with no phone. It defies credibility that a young man is going around with no way for people to contact him. How do his mates contact him if not by phone? My guess is that he has either blocked your number on his (new?) phone so you can't get through even if you dial his number. Or he now has another phone and a new number.

It's very easy to throw words like controlling around sometimes. In this case, you are not being controlling at all but it's an emotive word and one that'll make him back off. It's interesting that he went bananas when you went out.. I wonder is that more of a reflection on what he gets up to when he's out.

This relationship is a dead duck and it's bringing you nothing but misery. If he genuinely wanted to spend time with you, you wouldn't even have to ask in the first place. My guess is that he's hanging onto you as an option - someone to hang around with when he's at a loose end. If he meets someone else he likes better, you'll be dropped like a hot snot. There is nothing here for you. Be brave, show some self-respect and end it.

Johngoose

Get out fast

Tamalam

Nothing about that sounds healthy huni ... bite the bullet and stop being the only one trying if he's not on the wave lenght on how your relationship should be as you are ,that break up conversation needs to happen and go .. do you for awhile. . Mid 20s girlie live it up ..

Ursus Horribilis

OP - are you 6 months pregnant? If you are the same person, your partner has upped and left you.
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=99643862

Now this throws a completely different light on the situation.

Kayleighbean

No I ended up loosing our baby two months ago

SmileyPaul

Kayleighbean wrote: »

No I ended up loosing our baby two months ago

Im sorry to hear that...

I'm not trying to protect him in any way since going out constantly is still pretty ****. But this could be his coping mechanism for it.

I don't think it changes that the general consensus seems to be right.

It sounds like he's not in the relationship like he was before.

Charles Bronson once told Tom Hardy that you have to cut a piece of yourself off in order to grow. Might be tough, but could be the right decision.

Ursus Horribilis

Oh dear, I'm so sorry to read that Are you OK? Losing a baby is such a heartbreaking thing.

It simply strengthens my argument that you really should end it with this guy though. Even without knowing this extra information, things weren't looking good. And now that I read that he upped and left you at a time when you were at your most vulnerable, I think even more strongly that you should break up with him. He has shown you exactly what sort of person he is. Basically, just about everything someone wouldn't want in a partner.

Kayleighbean

Yeah it really is hard when you're so in love with a person . Me loosing the baby didn't effect him whatsoever, he thought we were too young to have a baby anyways, so I've never grieved about that to him either because I don't feel like I can. I don't know if all this going out has just started cause his friend was home from America for a few weeks and now his other friend has moved back so I don't know if this will all stop soon once he gets bored of going out again or if this is just a sign of whats to come. I'm presuming he was out last night again because I never heard from him. Thanks for all ye're comments though they do help put things into perspective for me xox

Ursus Horribilis

Yes, it's clear that you are in love with him. But the way he reacted to losing the baby should be telling you everything you need to know about him. He was probably relieved he wasn't going to be tied down by a baby. Did you ever go for counselling after losing the baby? You certainly didn't have him to turn to when you needed to grieve.

In truth, you're only making excuses for him. If he genuinely wanted to spend time with you, he wouldn't have gone on these day long disappearing jags with his friends. Sure, he would've gone out but he also would've made time for you. The way he (1) left you in the lurch when you got pregnant and (2) now goes missing for days and seemingly can't be contacted by phone are great big giant warning signs. Sometimes you can fall in love with people who are wrong for you. I believe this has happened here. You can't make someone pay you attention or love you. It either happens or it doesn't. Everything about this guy's behaviour points to someone who's not that pushed tbh. Do you honestly think that if you had made it to full term with your child and had a baby, that he'd have turned into a supportive dad? On the evidence I'm seeing here, I severely doubt it.

It has been said on this forum that if someone tells you who they are, you should pay heed. I know you love this guy but I'm not seeing much evidence of that being reciprocated. Also, if you are still young, there's a good chance this has run its course and that he doesn't want to settle down. Not with you anyway.

If you don't do anything else for now, please be extra careful not to get pregnant again.

HelgaWard

Kayleighbean wrote: »

I just want him to show me that he loves me like he says he does but my gut is telling me he's bored of me and wants to be single.

Listen to your gut. It's speaking the truth. This guy had let you down in a big way, when you got pregnant he left you, said he wanted nothing to do with you or the baby, then you lost the baby (Condolences for your loss) and he did not support you, or care for you in any way, and now he's basically acting like a single person. You deserve better than this, your future life deserves better than this.

gurI

So sorry to hear what you've been through. He is not treating you well and you need to cut him out of your life I think. I know it's so hard when you love someone, my own ex did/said bad things and i always make excuses but you can't waste your youth on someone like him. He is making a fool of you, sorry don't mean to be harsh but hope you'll leave as you deserve so much better. Take care

SocratesXXX

Sorry to hear, you need to move on from him.

squonk

Sorry if this sounds shít but I'd just bet he's thinking "Christ! Had a close one there with that baby scare but I got out of jail free on that one. Thought I'd be stuck with that situation but now, happy days, time to get out and about. I'm sure yer wan will get the message." It's a crap attitude but that's how it reads to me. This fecker isn't worth your time. He's moved on and is looking out for himself now. Don't waste anymore of your time on a loser guy like this.

Ursus Horribilis

I also wonder is he hoping that you'll break up with him? It's incredible that you haven't, to be honest. He doesn't act like he likes or respects you. Why are you settling for this sort of crap?

Would you consider going to see a counsellor? You've been through an awful lot. You lost your baby and never had a chance to grieve for him/her because of that so-called boyfriend you have. You've also proved that you're capable of putting up with an awful lot of sh*tty behaviour that you really shouldn't be tolerating. I bet your self-esteem's on the floor. Please, get in contact with your GP and have them refer you to a counsellor. You need to talk to someone.

matt-dublin

Was he aware of the pregnancy?

If he was then him going out with the lads all the tomempotentially could be a coping mechanism?

Ursus Horribilis

Oh he certainly did! The OP originally posted in boards in early May when she was still pregnant and said

Hi all, I recently just found out I am four months pregnant and when my partner of almost four years found out he up and left, making me concerned about the future of me and my baby.

That and her statement on this page "Me losing the baby didn't effect him whatsoever, he thought we were too young to have a baby anyways" certainly don't point to a chap who was hoping to be a dad

mada82

Have some respect for yourself and end it.

mewe

Sounds like you're not ready to let go OP and that's understandable if you love someone but let go and leave him is exactly what you need to do. When you don't want to let go you'll hang onto any excuse or reason for his behaviour or any hope that he'll come back round but he won't.

Being honest, with the no phone thing I'd be stunned if that were true. That says to me he's already seeing someone else and doesn't want to be receiving phone calls or texts in your presence.

OP the sooner you ditch this guy the better. The right guy is out there for you. You'll probably look back years down the line and think Christ why did I put up with that losers sh!t for so long but hopefully you'll be leading a much happier and contented life by then and he'll be highly insignificant. :-)