Bedroom incompatiblity becoming an issue

Roastchicken

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year. A friendship sparked into something more and we're in a loving and committed relationship. I'm very happy; we're both very happy I'm confident to say. Like most relationships, there are obstacles to overcome but this particular one is becoming more and more challenging to me and I fear will cause a rift between us.

In a nutshell, we're both bottoms, submissive in bed for want of a better description. While we have plenty of fun in bed, we are never fully intimate. Both of us have tried to top each other but it just doesn't work for us. I was content with foreplay and toys previously but I'm now getting to a stage where our time together in bed is no longer satisfying me.

To make matters worse, my ex who knows exactly how to satisfy me appears to be aware of our sex life through a mutual friend and has been dropping hints when he sees me out. He seems to be using the situation to try to get back in my pants probably knowing that I am beyond frustration at this stage.

I don't know what to do. I love my partner but have my needs too.

Ben Gadot

How an earth does your ex know about your sex life? First thing I'd be doing would be to have a word with this mutual friend.

As for your boyfriend, it's something that can be worked on, you just both need to be willing to work at it. Be honest with him, you may hurt his ego but once he realises it's an issue, I'm sure he'd be more than willing to try something different.

Best of luck.

Raminahobbin

Stop talking about your sex life to people outside your relationship!!! That's not on. It should be kept between you and your partner, it's not anyone elses business.

If the two of you have a problem you can't resolve after trying every reasonable avenue for change, and it's making you this unhappy, then I think you know what you have to do.

Augme

Roastchicken wrote: »

To make matters worse, my ex who knows exactly how to satisfy me appears to be aware of our sex life through a mutual friend and has been dropping hints when he sees me out. He seems to be using the situation to try to get back in my pants probably knowing that I am beyond frustration at this stage.

This part stood out to me. Sounds you don't think you'll be able to resist the temptation much longer in which case you need to pull the plug now.

bonyn

Roastchicken wrote: »

Both of us have tried to top each other but it just doesn't work for us.

Let's not gloss over this too quickly. The question is why not? Physical issues? Psychological?

Roastchicken wrote: »

make matters worse, my ex who knows exactly how to satisfy me appears to be aware of our sex life

Your ex shouldn't know, and you shouldn't be talking to your ex. Sex issues aside, doesn't sound like a very strong relationship.

J_E

Truthfully, one solution would be to discuss the potential of an open relationship, but you don't sound close enough in the first place to make that work. People make the mistake of making a relationship open without a really solid foundation and then it begins to fall apart. Are you sure this relationship is right for you?

If you do love and want this relationship - maybe you need to be a little less greedy and find a way to make it work. Think outside the box sexually. The way you talk about your ex is a little worrying, to be honest.

SB_Part2

I think you've more issues in your relationship than you think if your ex knows about your sex life.

KikiDee

Roastchicken wrote: »

Both of us have tried to top each other but it just doesn't work for us.

Is it a case that neither of you got enjoyment from fulfilling the others needs?? That right there would be an issue to me.

Roastchicken wrote: »

To make matters worse, my ex who knows exactly how to satisfy me appears to be aware of our sex life through a mutual friend and has been dropping hints when he sees me out. He seems to be using the situation to try to get back in my pants probably knowing that I am beyond frustration at this stage.

Firstly, I'd be having a word with your mutual friend. This person is obviously not someone you can trust. I get the needing to talk about your relationship with friends but perhaps be a little more selective in who you speak to?

Roastchicken wrote: »

I don't know what to do. I love my partner but have my needs too.

We all have needs. What you need to decide is if a jump with your ex is worth losing the partner you love and care so much about. To me, it sounds as if you're contemplating going there with your ex. In which case, you need to cut your current partner lose.

Flippyfloppy

I'm guessing that your ex and mutual friend have figured out both of your preferences to be bottom by their own experiences with you both?

It does seem like a tricky one. One that you'll either have to both make effort to be less submissive , or keep going the way you're going , or end things completely. Which one do you want to do?

Roastchicken

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

I'm guessing that your ex and mutual friend have figured out both of your preferences to be bottom by their own experiences with you both?

It does seem like a tricky one. One that you'll either have to both make effort to be less submissive , or keep going the way you're going , or end things completely. Which one do you want to do?

Hi, yes. I shouldn't really have brought the ex into my post as nothing is going happen between us, despite admittingly contemplating it purely out of lust. I'm not a cheater.

The mutual "friend" is very gossipy and indiscreet. He would have known of my and the bf's preferences before we got together through silly drunken chats and banter. I have not been speaking about my love life to anyone.

The issue is not whether I 'should' cheat or not, I won't. I'm just worried about longterm incompatability and how it might influence our relationship.

December2012

You say you have needs.

Obviously your boyfriend does too, so every argument you're raising for yourself must be mirrored.

Have you discussed it?

Spencer Winterbotham

What is a "bottom" ?

Neyite

Mod:

Lad from the Bog, your post was deleted. It falls far below the standard expected in this forum. Please read the charter before posting again, or warnings and infractions will result.

ted1

Spencer Winterbotham wrote: »

What is a "bottom" ?

In a same sex couple it's the receiver

KikiDee

It's not just a same sex couple. A bottom could be described as the submissive in a sexual encounter.

Markcheese

I dunno op, you're able to talk about your sex life (online I know ) and you've obviously analysed and thought about your sexuality and what you like/want ,but it doesnt sound like you've communicated it to your boyfriend ...try some roleplay.. swap roles ie whos dominant whos submissive.
you may have to lead him along for a bit,but i'm sure when he tries and sees the result its having he'll have no trouble switching back and forth... and if not you've tried...

Hmm_Messiah

Roastchicken wrote: »

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year. A friendship sparked into something more and we're in a loving and committed relationship. I'm very happy; we're both very happy I'm confident to say. Like most relationships, there are obstacles to overcome but this particular one is becoming more and more challenging to me and I fear will cause a rift between us.

In a nutshell, we're both bottoms,.

Hi I am sad to say your relationship may be destined to become a lifelong and real friendship see ign as it is clear there is real affection etc. But you are both bottoms; you were aware of this as the relationship started. Despite other posters attempts to offer helpful suggestions , they may in some cases be missing the point. Being a bottom is not just a sexual preference of position. A man might complain his wife is very dull in bed, only does missionary etc ( or vice versa) and people might well suggest experimenting, having a serious conversation and taking baby steps to spice up bedroom activities . This can often work as the basic "activity" is the same. However if you are both bottoms, and feel the same after some efforts to be otherwise, then that's not just a preference, its part of the core of your sexual reality. IT is unlikely to change, less likely if recent attempts did not help. Also even if you did assume a top role, As there is a real intimate affection between you both I think the bottom will always be conscious that "he is just doing this for me " etc, aware of something quite not authentic. IN the end it will not work

You might be moral and caring enough not to cheat to " meet a need" but then you will become increasingly unhappy and have invested so much in your relationship than its collapse will hurt so so much more
I honestly think you should have serious conversations now. IF you think there are options identify then and give them a time line " lets try A, B or C for a few weeks" - but if you are both aware , that essentially you are both bottoms, and both aware you feel a need for penetrative sex, then change your relationship to maximise the trust and caring you feel, and move to a physical relationship with more compatible people

best of look

btw - for some context - I was with a guy for 8 years - it was great, he was more than happy to assume btm role, but only with me - i.e. he enjoyed being the bottom in our sex so no conflict there , but he was NOT a bottom, and eventually his need to be more dominant, and well to do all the inserting of bits actually made him a depressed unhappy person - not least because our love increased but the physical relationship , while great, was not ever what he imagined for his whole life

confusedguy1

OP, years ago, I was briefly in a similiar situation to you. Sorry to say this but it is going to be hard. Tops have their needs just as bottoms do and unfilled needs will lead to unbearable frustruation. I suggest that you consider discussing the option of a no-strings-date with a vers or vers top and see what the other half thinks.

Best of luck and bottoms up ;-)

dickiepower

Sorry to hear about your predicament OP.

As a hungry bottom myself, I am unwilling to compromise when it comes to my own sexual needs which I can imagine the frustration you are going through. I know what it takes to please a bottom given my own desires but that's why I am unwilling to compromise as I love the pleasure it gives me so much.

IMO, I think this is a deal breaker in terms of a relationship and the fact you are so tempted early on in the relationship is a sign that you are probably best to stay friends.

I hope this helps and you and OH can remain good friends.

Neyite

Mod:

Hi Op, I'll close this thread if you are finished with it, I hope it was helpful. Let me or one of the mod team know if for any reason you need to reopen the thread.