Did I handle this break up poorly?

LegacyUser

I have this funny feeling I posted about this before, but I can't find it because I went anonymous. Forgive me if I am repeating myself. Two years ago I was in a relationship with a girl for 8 months. She broke up with me using an excuse similar to the "it's not you it's me" line. She then went on to ignore me for the next year, thinking it was the best way to deal with the break up, but it was horrible for me.

At the start of this year we got back in touch and talked things through. She wanted to give it another go, saying that I needed to change for things to work (I was emotionally distant). I was more than happy to have another chance with the girl I was crazy about.

But 3 months into the "second" relationship, things didn't feel right for me. I didn't have those same feelings I once had for her. I think it was largely because she broke up with me once before and ignored me and it must have been in the back of my mind that I thought she'd do it again. So I broke up with her.

We said we would remain friends, which I thought was great because I still really cared for her. But as time went on, she didn't reply to my messages and always had excuses not to meet up. It just reminded me of when she lost interest in me the last time and I decided to just stop contacting her and delete her contact info from my phone.

She soon realised I did this and messaged me all annoyed. I explained to her exactly why I did it and she said that we weren't dating anymore and I shouldn't expect anything from her. She had a point, but any real friend wouldn't take 3 or 4 weeks to reply or get in contact with me, so I thought it was best to give up on our friendship. In that period I also figured out that she blocked me on a dating website and I said this to her (I don't know why), but she completely denied that she did even though I know this for a fact.

After this message she completely ignored me. I haven't heard from her in over two months, even after trying to make amends. This is the exact behaviour that hurt me in the past and I don't understand why she does this to me. Did I do the wrong thing in how I behaved post break up? Was I right to abandon this friendship, as much as we got on so well?

Dr Strange

OP, people, friends, lovers come into your life and sometimes leave as well, not every friendship or relationship is meant to last forever. I f I was in your situation I would just chalk it up as experience and move on. If it was a real friendship you may find you get back in touch after some months or even years and if not, you forget about it.

Mr. Incognito

You broke up with her and expected her to be responding to your messages?

Let the poor girl move on and stay out of her life.

People can't be "friends" immediately after a break up.

Just leave her alone. Some of your complaints sound pretty pathetic like blocking you on a dating site.

I dont think anuything of not texting any of my close friends for a month.

LegacyUser

You broke up with her the second time but wanted to maintain a friendship, that's fine if she wants to do that but you've no right to demand or expect that of her.

Leave her alone and move on.

leggo

To be fair, you're as bad as each other. It should've ended after the first relationship and you should've respected the fact she went no contact. The fact you got bothered by it...well, was this your first break-up? Because that would explain a lot.

Similarly, she shouldn't have gotten back with you if she still felt you needed to change. And neither of you should've agreed to be friends. All of your decisions after you got back talking were poorly thought through. Again, forgiveable enough if it's your first break-up as this is how we learn these things, but if you've been through this stuff before you should know better.

This relationship has now failed multiple times. What exactly are you guys clinging on to?

Big Bag of Chips

"We can still be friends" means, "if we bump into each other on the street we'll say hello, talk for a few seconds, maybe, and then move on".

You're not together anymore. Something fundamental in both of you means that there's something there that's just not quite right. Something that prevents you from tipping along nicely together. So stop trying to force it. Why wouldn't she block you from a dating app?! I think, in a similar situation, I'd block any exes I had. If they're exes, you're hardly likely to want to go back to them. (It generally doesn't work out!)Best to move forward. If I was asked by said ex, why I blocked them, I might lie rather than say straight out because I don't want to date you, so I don't need to see you popping up on my profile, and I don't want to be popping up on yours.

I'd also probably find it a bit weird if he pushed the point!

The aftermath of a breakup can be confusing, as you miss the familiarity of the other person. There's always a certain amount of "will we/won't we get back together". Staying in contact only confuses everything. She was right to cut contact the first time. Maybe she got back in contact thinking enough time had passed that you could be friends, but old feeling resurfaced? You both need to cut contact now. Block each other on whatever. You can't 100% move forward if you're trying to hold on to something/one.

retro:electro

She acted perfectly in line with what any rational person would do after a break up. Why are you running around asking her why she has blocked you on a dating site? Isn't that obvious to you why she may have? Let her move on and stop pestering her.

LegacyUser

Just want to clarify a few things that came up in some of your replies.

Yes, this was my first break-up and was perhaps overly emotionally invested in our relationship.

The reason I mentioned to her how she blocked me on the dating app was because she brought up that she wasn't on any dating sites since we broke up. I guess I had to call her out on the lie. Silly that I argued the point come to think of it.

Mr. Incognito, you seem to be painting me as some sort of villain here. The break up was overall mutual, I just pulled the trigger. We BOTH agreed to be friends so it wasn't as though I was harassing her. I don't have any problem with not messaging friends for a while either, but being ignored is something I can't excuse. I have never left someone waiting for a reply, it's just very rude.

The relationship failed, yes, mostly because there was no romantic feelings between the two of us. We got on very well besides that and we both figured a friendship could work.

I guess it's the not knowing that's getting to me. Either she has no interest in being friends, or still has romantic feelings for me (which I highly doubt). I'm just disappointed that I have to write such a nice person out of my life.

retro:electro

It's none of your business whether she's on dating sites not, that's probably why she lied to you. And it's not your place to "call her out" on anything, she owes you nothing.

batmanrobin

failure101 wrote: »

I guess it's the not knowing that's getting to me. Either she has no interest in being friends, or still has romantic feelings for me (which I highly doubt). I'm just disappointed that I have to write such a nice person out of my life.

OP, there's nothing to know. Your relationship is finished. Draw a line under this and move on. She obviously doesn't want to be friends and you have to respect that.

You say you'd never leave people waiting on a reply... Well the world isn't you. Not everyone thinks and acts as you do.

When you have more experience with breakups, you'll realise that the friendship line is just that, a line. Something said to make people feel somewhat better or to accept the end with greater ease. Rarely is it meant and certainly not very soon after a breakup.

Obsessing over her/friendship is going to hold you back from accepting the end of things and moving forward.

Most people are strangers before they get together and when the relationship ends most go back to being just that.

Edit: just to add, OP, I've known people who have had mutual breakups and they've struggled with it as much as those who felt the breakup came out of nowhere. Maybe subconsciously you're struggling to come to terms with it.

LegacyUser

anna080 wrote: »

It's none of your business whether she's on dating sites not, that's probably why she lied to you. And it's not your place to "call her out" on anything, she owes you nothing.

I agree, it is none of my business. I didn't bring it up. We were chatting and I said something along the lines of "I haven't heard from you in a while" and she responded that she was so busy and that she didn't even have time to go on dating sites. I would have accepted if she didn't want to talk to me and said so, but I don't get why she had to lie. That's why I said I saw her, not out of jealousy or anything like that. It was only because I had caught her in a lie.

She could have easily said "I haven't even had time to go to the cinema" and say I saw her at the cinema. The fact that it happened to be a dating site I saw her on is probably makes it look like it was something it isn't!

batmanrobin wrote: »

OP, there's nothing to know. Your relationship is finished. Draw a line under this and move on. She obviously doesn't want to be friends and you have to respect that.

I do see that, but I guess I just don't understand the behaviour.

batmanrobin wrote: »

You say you'd never leave people waiting on a reply... Well the world isn't you. Not everyone thinks and acts as you do.

I see that also! Funnily enough I had this conversation with a friend recently. They had messaged another friend about going out for a few drinks and he never got a reply. He was very annoyed (it was a bit of a regular occurance) and said it's not worth it anymore and decided to cut all ties with him.

batmanrobin wrote: »

When you have more experience with breakups, you'll realise that the friendship line is just that, a line. Something said to make people feel somewhat better or to accept the end with greater ease. Rarely is it meant and certainly not very soon after a breakup.

Obsessing over her/friendship is going to hold you back from accepting the end of things and moving forward.

Most people are strangers before they get together and when the relationship ends most go back to being just that.

Edit: just to add, OP, I've known people who have had mutual breakups and they've struggled with it as much as those who felt the breakup came out of nowhere. Maybe subconsciously you're struggling to come to terms with it.

I wouldn't say I'm obsessing, I'm just annoyed and disappointed in myself that I should have handled things differently and we could have even had a passing friendship where we might talk every few months or something. I guess I was expecting too much. I may have burned all bridges altogether.

SB_Part2

failure101 wrote: »

I wouldn't say I'm obsessing, I'm just annoyed and disappointed in myself that I should have handled things differently and we could have even had a passing friendship where we might talk every few months or something. I guess I was expecting too much. I may have burned all bridges altogether.

Most people don't want to have anything to do with their ex's after they break up.

Augme

She strikes me as quite immature so you're better off without her in your life, even for friendship.

failure101

failure101 wrote: »

We said we would remain friends

Most people say this but usually it just means "we'll remain friendly".