cant get over ex

LegacyUser

I broke up with my ex about 4 months ago after about a year and a half. I was quite unwell and became very down and stressed and fixated on the problems in our relationship for a few months which weren't a big deal at all which lead to constant rows. He started working all the time and using it as a reason not to see me (he was either in work or too tired) and we didn't see each other for weeks. More than once I said if this didn't change I was ending things hoping it would sort it out but after lots more rows he started saying I'd dumped him. There was no one occasion where we actually split up though it was nasty for a while.

Now it's 4 months later and I can't get him out of my head. I'm back to normal now and I've apologised profusely for what happened and tried to sort things out...he said at first he wasn't ready, then he said he was working out how to fix things and now he says he is too busy working at the moment.
What happens is we have a row and stop talking for a while then I make contact and he's quite cool but over a few days we chat and are OK again. Then we get on really well until I ask what the story with us is and he flips and we have a row. He doesn't even get cross about me or us its about silly stuff like the wording I used or what time it was. He'll shout for a while and then refuse to discuss the actual reason for the row yet again. Then I get annoyed and we have a nasty row where I lose my temper and say horrible things and we threaten to never speak again. ...and a while later it starts again.

Is he stalling because he needs time or is just not able to tell me he's not interested? I regret my mistakes so much I really want a chance to fix it and I regret hurting him more than I can say. He is such a wonderful person and I can see the wall he's put up between us and it makes me sad.

What can I do?

batmanrobin

It doesn't sound like he's all that interested or all that bothered.

Any time you attempt to sort out where you stand he goes ape. That's not a good sign.

I'd say if he's refusing to sort things out then it might be best to draw a line under it.

A relationship needs two people to work. It can't be just you.

leggo

Two equally likely possibilities here:

1) The label of being in a 'relationship' again scares him off. Maybe he needs to experience for himself that things are different now while also remembering why he liked you to begin with, and is unwilling to commit to that on the basis of a few pleasant conversations. Perhaps you're coming across as too pushy having a few chats then trying to nail him down to right back where you guys were before then. Wounds need both time and medicine to heal. I've had big fights with girlfriends, mentally considered myself 'done', then needed to spend time with them and see things work differently for a while before emotionally going all-in again.

2) He's not that interested and/or enjoying single life, but also happy to chat to you again because it keeps him ticking over for love and companionship until someone else comes along.

Which one of those resonates the most with you? Which feels accurate? Maybe give more specific information if you find it tough to tell and we'll be able to read into it a little better.

hhmmm?

You scared him off. You were obviously wrecking his head and now he's free he will never go back. The damage has been done, trust me, I'm a guy and been in the same position as him. Move on and learn from your mistakes.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

Two equally likely possibilities here:

1) The label of being in a 'relationship' again scares him off. Maybe he needs to experience for himself that things are different now while also remembering why he liked you to begin with, and is unwilling to commit to that on the basis of a few pleasant conversations. Perhaps you're coming across as too pushy having a few chats then trying to nail him down to right back where you guys were before then. Wounds need both time and medicine to heal. I've had big fights with girlfriends, mentally considered myself 'done', then needed to spend time with them and see things work differently for a while before emotionally going all-in again.

2) He's not that interested and/or enjoying single life, but also happy to chat to you again because it keeps him ticking over for love and companionship until someone else comes along.

Which one of those resonates the most with you? Which feels accurate? Maybe give more specific information if you find it tough to tell and we'll be able to read into it a little better.

I would say the first but then again it is more what I want to hear I suppose.

I don't want to give to much information and make either of us identifiable so I'll say as much as I can.

When we first met he was very badly hurt from a previous relationship and did not want a new one under any circumstances, it took a year of friendship and slowly developed into more.

The fights were nasty, I put him under pressure about very stupid things which he retaliated to by refusing to do them and it built and got worse. He worked very hard to keep the relationship going and towards the end when we were fighting a lot he was getting very upset.

I know he felt betrayed and rejected that all his efforts and sacrifices weren't appreciated. He's quite tough so I think if he genuinely didn't want to speak to me he just wouldn't but at the same time he makes no effort to contact me. He used to but as time has passed and we've been having rows he's pulled further away. He's said some truly awful things to me too but while I brush them off as heat of the moment he takes everything to heart when I don't mean it.

Last month I deliberately didn't say a word about us for a month and we got on so well, we chatted and had fun and it was great but as soon as I mentioned us he slammed the door and we're back to him acting like I'm the ex who can't take a hint.
All I want is a sign from him that he's either willing to see what happens or he wants to walk away. Even it he made the effort to contact me too it would be something but he doesn't.

stargazer 68

Helme wrote: »

Last month I deliberately didn't say a word about us for a month and we got on so well, we chatted and had fun and it was great but as soon as I mentioned us he slammed the door and we're back to him acting like I'm the ex who can't take a hint.
All I want is a sign from him that he's either willing to see what happens or he wants to walk away. Even it he made the effort to contact me too it would be something but he doesn't.

You are being the ex who can't take a hint! He doesn't want a relationship with you - maybe its a cowardly way of doing it but move on OP.

batmanrobin

Dovies wrote: »

You are being the ex who can't take a hint! He doesn't want a relationship with you - maybe its a cowardly way of doing it but move on OP.

Second this! I had a similar experience on both sides, OP.

When I was in your shoes, it was confusing as on one hand (when he wasn't feeling any pressure) it was great, but as soon as I tried to figure out where I stood I got the silent treatment and ignoring of texts. Pretty s*itty behaviour. Walk away for your own sanity and self respect.

As another poster said, it might suit him to text as you're someone to talk to/bit of entertainment, whatever. But he obviously isn't interested in working things out.

This hot/cold treatment is mind numbing in the extreme! But that's where you have to be strong enough to say enough of this and leave him alone.

When men and women want to be with someone they are usually not backwards about coming forwards.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys.

I guess you're probably right it hurts to think, he could string me along for all these months but looks like that's exactly what he's done. All the talk of needing time and working things out in his head isn't true is it?

I'm really sad today and a bit embarrassed too. I feel very stupid. I suppose I wanted to believe him because he told me he loved me and he wanted a future with me, it's hard to think someone can go back on that just because you become unwell and a bit cranky for a while, it can't all be my fault- he's very hard and difficult to deal with and argues with everyone yet he completely blames me.

Time to move on I guess.

batmanrobin

Helme wrote: »

Thanks guys.

I guess you're probably right it hurts to think, he could string me along for all these months but looks like that's exactly what he's done. All the talk of needing time and working things out in his head isn't true is it?

I'm really sad today and a bit embarrassed too. I feel very stupid. I suppose I wanted to believe him because he told me he loved me and he wanted a future with me, it's hard to think someone can go back on that just because you become unwell and a bit cranky for a while, it can't all be my fault- he's very hard and difficult to deal with and argues with everyone yet he completely blames me.

Time to move on I guess.

Maybe he does legitimately need time to sort his head, however, he isn't exactly behaving decently. You can't exist in limbo forever and it's perfectly natural that you want to know where you stand. Him reacting the way he did when you wanted clarification isn't good. If he truly needed space, he wouldn't be engaging with you at all really. He'd be taking the time to figure things out.

I think you need to let it go and and start moving on - I don't mean find someone else but just start the healing process. IF he decides he wants to be with you he'll get in touch. Whether you'll be still interested is another story.