does he want a relationship at all?

LegacyUser

Hi all
Apologies in advance if this turns into a long post, will try to explain without writing a novel
Am with a wonderful guy 7 months now, and he has 3 children from a previous relationship, they are gorgeous and i really do like them very much. I don't have any children myself so it has been an adjustment, but one i've made quite well i think. We met at work, and our relationship happened very organically, i certainly wasn't looking for anything but when we chatted and found there was a spark and things grew from there it was a really lovely surprise.
I totally and completely 100 percent understand that he has to spend time with his children and as already mentioned i really do like them very much, in fact i have told my bf on more than one occasion that i wish they were my children, they are super funny intelligent etc.
Before i met the children things were good, we would meet up and when we did we had such fun together. We would cuddle and kiss all the time we were always talking on phone and Skype, i would get lovely messages in the morning sometimes, morning gorgeous etc.
When i met the kids things changed and not for the better.
I have to travel to his house any time i want to see him, and he spends all his time on the computer playing games, he will watch stuff with the kids but now when i'm at his place it's like i might as well not even be there. When the kids go on Sundays, we have a bit of time to ourselves but he just spends it on the computer. The only time i get physical attention most of the time is in bed, he would come for the odd cuddle or kiss but nothing mad. I needed a wax for some time, but due to money and stuff could not afford it. Everything stopped once i grew a bit of hair, though i never stopped doing things for him which i didn't mind but he made comments about my legs and stuff. Then last week i finally get waxed and when we are together turns out he ended up with a day off work. I hinted at spending some time together to which he replied he wasn't in the humour.
He was always promising that we would go away together so this was why i didn't really say anything about the weekends, though a few weeks ago i tried to just ask if we could spend some time together just us, but when i tried to ask the question he didn't seem interested so i never got to.
In the past 3 weeks though we have had 2 kind of disagreements which have really made me question things, and are the real reason why i'm writing the post.
One was a few weeks ago, i had a friend coming round who he as of yet had not met(we are only together 8 months) and he told me by accident he had gotten on the wrong bus and was in my area. I invited him to come have some tea just for a few minutes and he said he just wanted to go home. I was upset with him and did text him a message stating the same. We talked a lot and then as is usual because i didn't want unpleasantness i said sorry for being a drama queen and could we just forget it? I went to his house later that night but left because i felt uneasy.
The latest one then happened just the other night.
We were out and he had to leave because he was up for work early next morning. I had had a few glasses of wine so was asking where he was, i don't remember this and only found out later.
He got a phone call then from someone asking where he was, which he didn't appreciate. Because him going home did not seem like a foreign concept to me i just assumed i wouldn't have asked those questions so didn't mention that i didn't remember. I did a day later when i spoke to one of his friends and that's when he completely shut me out and didn't talk to me for like a day.
eventually he said we were ok, but i just sensed we were not, so i asked him. He got annoyed at me first saying i was stressing and annoying him, but then later admitted that a part of him thinks that maybe i did what his friends say i did in the pub, meaning asking for him etc to make him look bad. I don't know if it's worth mentioning that I'm blind as well, so at first before he knew that i had allegedly asked where he was, he like i was, was angry with them for not wanting to help, and this is how i saw it also, before i knew what had gone on.
I just cannot believe that he thinks i could even dream of doing anything that would make him look bad in front of his friends I mean that is just not something i could even conceive of doing....
Now I am just questioning everything. It's like he's got comfy and he thinks he doesn't have to make the effort anymore. I always send first messages, and as I said i travel to him all the time. I don't really mind that much as i'm in a house share but just the principal of it. He is always so cheerful when his kids are about, which you'd expect, he takes them places etc, with us we just never go anywhere and spend every weekend in his house with the children, I am starting to wonder if he wants to spend time with me at all?
I have also given him money at christmas because he was short, like a few hundred pounds(i live in the uk) and i've never mentioned it since, always just thinking that he would pay me back when he could, he has neither mentioned it nor made any move towards same.
Please help, I am just so sad. I told 2 of my closest friends all of this yesterday and they are outraged, i just wanted some outside opinions.
Am I looking for two much?
Thanks in advance and sorry for such a long post

Merkin

From what you've posted it seems that this man doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and is unfortunately going about instigating a break up in a very cowardly fashion, i.e. treating you badly enough that you'll be the one to put an end to the relationship. Neither of you seem happy, you don't seem to be communicating, there seems to be little intimacy and no fun. If I was in your shoes I'd terminate the relationship as he's not treating you like someone who cares.

chuckles30

unfortunately it sounds like he's not interested in having a relationship with you...but for some reason, he doesn't have the decency to just be honest with you.

BetsyEllen

If he wants to be in a relationship or not is irrelevant, I think the question should be do you want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you like this?

I found parts of your post confusing, I didn't get the part about the phone call but from your post as a whole I do get that he just doesn't sound like a suitable partner.
Why on earth are you querying what HE wants when he makes you feel this way?

Get rid of him, walk away...sorry OP but he sounds like a loser to me.

Colser

sad and confused wrote:

Hi all Apologies in advance if this turns into a long post, will try to explain without writing a novel Am with a wonderful guy 7 months now, and he has 3 children from a previous relationship, they are gorgeous and i really do like them very much. I don't have any children myself so it has been an adjustment, but one i've made quite well i think. We met at work, and our relationship happened very organically, i certainly wasn't looking for anything but when we chatted and found there was a spark and things grew from there it was a really lovely surprise. I totally and completely 100 percent understand that he has to spend time with his children and as already mentioned i really do like them very much, in fact i have told my bf on more than one occasion that i wish they were my children, they are super funny intelligent etc. Before i met the children things were good, we would meet up and when we did we had such fun together. We would cuddle and kiss all the time we were always talking on phone and Skype, i would get lovely messages in the morning sometimes, morning gorgeous etc. When i met the kids things changed and not for the better. I have to travel to his house any time i want to see him, and he spends all his time on the computer playing games, he will watch stuff with the kids but now when i'm at his place it's like i might as well not even be there. When the kids go on Sundays, we have a bit of time to ourselves but he just spends it on the computer. The only time i get physical attention most of the time is in bed, he would come for the odd cuddle or kiss but nothing mad. I needed a wax for some time, but due to money and stuff could not afford it. Everything stopped once i grew a bit of hair, though i never stopped doing things for him which i didn't mind but he made comments about my legs and stuff. Then last week i finally get waxed and when we are together turns out he ended up with a day off work. I hinted at spending some time together to which he replied he wasn't in the humour. He was always promising that we would go away together so this was why i didn't really say anything about the weekends, though a few weeks ago i tried to just ask if we could spend some time together just us, but when i tried to ask the question he didn't seem interested so i never got to. In the past 3 weeks though we have had 2 kind of disagreements which have really made me question things, and are the real reason why i'm writing the post. One was a few weeks ago, i had a friend coming round who he as of yet had not met(we are only together 8 months) and he told me by accident he had gotten on the wrong bus and was in my area. I invited him to come have some tea just for a few minutes and he said he just wanted to go home. I was upset with him and did text him a message stating the same. We talked a lot and then as is usual because i didn't want unpleasantness i said sorry for being a drama queen and could we just forget it? I went to his house later that night but left because i felt uneasy. The latest one then happened just the other night. We were out and he had to leave because he was up for work early next morning. I had had a few glasses of wine so was asking where he was, i don't remember this and only found out later. He got a phone call then from someone asking where he was, which he didn't appreciate. Because him going home did not seem like a foreign concept to me i just assumed i wouldn't have asked those questions so didn't mention that i didn't remember. I did a day later when i spoke to one of his friends and that's when he completely shut me out and didn't talk to me for like a day. eventually he said we were ok, but i just sensed we were not, so i asked him. He got annoyed at me first saying i was stressing and annoying him, but then later admitted that a part of him thinks that maybe i did what his friends say i did in the pub, meaning asking for him etc to make him look bad. I don't know if it's worth mentioning that I'm blind as well, so at first before he knew that i had allegedly asked where he was, he like i was, was angry with them for not wanting to help, and this is how i saw it also, before i knew what had gone on. I just cannot believe that he thinks i could even dream of doing anything that would make him look bad in front of his friends I mean that is just not something i could even conceive of doing.... Now I am just questioning everything. It's like he's got comfy and he thinks he doesn't have to make the effort anymore. I always send first messages, and as I said i travel to him all the time. I don't really mind that much as i'm in a house share but just the principal of it. He is always so cheerful when his kids are about, which you'd expect, he takes them places etc, with us we just never go anywhere and spend every weekend in his house with the children, I am starting to wonder if he wants to spend time with me at all? I have also given him money at christmas because he was short, like a few hundred pounds(i live in the uk) and i've never mentioned it since, always just thinking that he would pay me back when he could, he has neither mentioned it nor made any move towards same. Please help, I am just so sad. I told 2 of my closest friends all of this yesterday and they are outraged, i just wanted some outside opinions. Am I looking for two much? Thanks in advance and sorry for such a long post

Cut your losses OP before you waste any more of your time,dignity or money on him.He sounds like a total user and manipulator to me.I'm sure your friends will help you move on from him if you find it difficult to do so,honestly he doesn't seem to have any quality that you deserve in a relationship.

DublinWriter

sad and confused wrote: »

I have to travel to his house any time i want to see him, and he spends all his time on the computer playing games...

I have also given him money at christmas because he was short, like a few hundred pounds(i live in the uk) and i've never mentioned it since, always just thinking that he would pay me back when he could, he has neither mentioned it nor made any move towards same.

Two big red lights right there. You're being played and had. And you most certainly deserve better.

For your own benefit, move on now. Better to be on temporarily your own than be exploited by a tosser like this.

Emme

sad and confused wrote: »

I have also given him money at christmas because he was short, like a few hundred pounds(i live in the uk) and i've never mentioned it since, always just thinking that he would pay me back when he could, he has neither mentioned it nor made any move towards same.
Please help, I am just so sad. I told 2 of my closest friends all of this yesterday and they are outraged, i just wanted some outside opinions.
Am I looking for two much?
Thanks in advance and sorry for such a long post

OP this is not a relationship. From what I can see he treated you like an ATM at Christmas and has no intention of paying you back. He doesn't bother coming to see you and when you go to see him he ignores you.

Your two closest friends are right to be outraged. I am outraged reading your post - this man has taken advantage of somebody who is naturally giving and somewhat vulnerable.

Ask him for your money back (you might not get it) and cut your losses and run eitherway. You are better off alone than with this extortionist.