Marriage ending over jealousy issues

LegacyUser

I'm on the verge of ending a marriage of several years over jealousy issues.

They say that there's three sides to every story, my side, your side and the truth. I'll try and be as objective as I can in describing my situation.

I've never cheated, never would cheat, but it's a bit like being followed around a shop by a security guard.

I have a few female friends on Facebook from my uni years, work with several women, yet I can't even have a normal conversation when I get home along lines of "You'll never guess what Mary did in the office today" and the inevitable reply will be "Oh Mary/Jane/Jill...you're always talking about her". I'm constantly having to think about and censor what I'm going to say first - that can't be any way to communicate with your life partner.

We generally don't have a social life outside the house. I haven't gone to a pub since we've got married (no general inclination to). I'm either at work or at home.

Shortly after our first child was born, there was problem with the fuseboard in the house. It panicked me initially, and knowing the neighbour is a sparks I shouted to herself "I'm just going to pop next door to John to ask him to have a look at this".

Now, our house isn't the tidiest at the best of times (as much my fault as hers) and it wasn't in good shape on this particular day. I was just intending on John coming into the hallway to look at the fuse board. Her reply was "If you get John in with the house looking like this then I'm leaving you".

The noise from the fuse board calmed down, so I thought "give it an hour or two". That evening I saw the neighbour coming in and asked him in to look at the fuseboard. He said nothing to worry about.

The next morning her wedding and engagement rings were on the kitchen table. I got stonewalled for about week, during which time we were bringing our baby to the registry office to get a registered. At the time she still said she was leaving me and did I want our child's surname registered as mine or her maiden name.

I put much of this down to post-natal depression, although I didn't see other depression like signs. She never did leave to go back to her home country, we eventually made up, but I think the incident had a longer knock-on effect with me not being able to truly bond with our child in the long term.

There have been mega-rows like this over the years, but things generally calmed down over the past 18 months until recently. She claimed our son was looking through my phone on Facebook (I password nothing) and she saw my private messages. One of these was to a woman I knew from my uni days and had a platonic relationship with. Her son was doing an exercise for a uni course related to an area of my work and she was asking me for advice on a particular point.

She went nuts and said enough was enough and that she was leaving. This time I really don't care. Five weeks of stonewalling so far and I've had enough myself. I never cheated. All I've done is work and come home.

She's not Irish. I know that she doesn't have many friends here, I've paid thousands on driving lessons and failed tests for her, she doesn't work outside the house. Even though I'm working 60+ hours a week, paying all the bills, mortgage, medical, etc. I even iron and cook for myself (again, she can't do either).

Am I missing something here? Again, the three sides, mine, yours and the truth. She's mostly a wonderful, kind, caring person, but I can't take the Dr.Jekyll Mrs.Hyde routine any more.

Jenneke87

Wow, this woman , sounds.....intense to say the least. You say she might have post-natal depression, has she ever been to a GP to get a diagnosis?

If you're not willing to give up immediately I'd have a long hard, long overdue discussion with her. She has absolutely no right to treat you this way, her husband and father of her child, it's very disrespectful and very OTT. I mean, threating to leave you because you want to let a neighbour take a look at a fuseboard when the board is a bit of a mess...? God only knows how she will react if something really bad happens to her...

Penny Tration

The most important advice you can take from posting here is this - get legal advice immediately. Like get it yesterday. You need to make sure she can't take your child out of the country during one of her tantrums.

silverbolt

Wow OP. Thats some woman youre stuck with there.

Have you asked her why she has suddenly become so jealous. That could be a guilty mind trying to relay emotions to another source.

suicide_circus

She sounds completely and utterly insane. Never mind her leaving you, you need to get a solicitor involved now.

FortySeven

Get the child's passport. Remove it from the house. After that I would suggest attempting counselling. She may well have P.N.D but my first concern would be making sure she cannot remove your child. You have all the rights you can get but once abroad it is a long, slow process to get the child home. Is she from a country that is a signatory of the Hague convention? If not, tread very carefully and get that passport secured.

BetsyEllen

CheeseIsNotATreat wrote: »

Shortly after our first child was born, there was problem with the fuseboard in the house. It panicked me initially, and knowing the neighbour is a sparks I shouted to herself "I'm just going to pop next door to John to ask him to have a look at this".

Now, our house isn't the tidiest at the best of times (as much my fault as hers) and it wasn't in good shape on this particular day. I was just intending on John coming into the hallway to look at the fuse board. Her reply was "If you get John in with the house looking like this then I'm leaving you".

The noise from the fuse board calmed down, so I thought "give it an hour or two". That evening I saw the neighbour coming in and asked him in to look at the fuseboard. He said nothing to worry about.

The next morning her wedding and engagement rings were on the kitchen table. I got stonewalled for about week, during which time we were bringing our baby to the registry office to get a registered. At the time she still said she was leaving me and did I want our child's surname registered as mine or her maiden name

What the actual F...Jesus OP, that is BIZARRE behaviour. I am flabbergasted - I can't even imagine what it's like to be living with someone like that!
She needs help. Counselling or something, I don't really know but this behaviour is ridiculous and very worrying...would absolutely remove the child's passport as others have suggested just in case.
Then look into couples counselling, book a session and tell her this is the final straw, wither she comes with you to try and sort this out or YOU will be leaving HER. I think you need to go together so that she can hear you talk about how she is making you feel and how utterly unhappy you are.

LegacyUser

OP here - thanks to all of you for your advice. When something like this affects you on a day to day basis you take it as normal. It really does take someone to tap you on the shoulder and go "no...not normal at all".

Again, it's hard to be objective about this. I feel a little sorry and guilty if I've portrayed my wife as some kind of crazy bitch, but these are the experiences I've had. I don't think it's Post-Natal Depression as the behaviour has been constant over the past eight years we've been together.

As I said, 98% of the time, she's a deeply passionate, caring, compassionate woman. But, I feel like I'm treading around on eggshells trying to keep that peace, not knowing when I come home who I will actually come home to, in that some kind of innocent remark about a woman I work with, or have known, will trigger the insecurity and the beast in her.

The biggest thing for me in any relationship is open communication, and I feel this I can't do with her truly as I have to engage the 'inner censor' before any remark, casual or otherwise, I make, in case I release her anger.

I'm not the jealous or possessive type myself. I'm quietly confident in myself. My parents were abusive to each other and I abhor any type of overt violence or passive aggression. Life's too short. I'm so laid back I'm almost horizontal. It doesn't bother me that she got a Valetine's Day Card and care-package from a male Periscope friend in the US this year, yet if the reverse was true, she'd be tearing up the house.

Time to call time I think.

Again, thank you all for just even listening.

Mr. Incognito

You are not in a relationship.

You are being controlled, bullied, and cajoled by a woman who goes ape if you do not give her 100% of your attention at all times.

1. Speak to a solicitor.
2. Seek Marriage Counselling where an objective voice might be able to talk through some of these issues with her.

KikiDee

Oh OP...this is not a good situation at all. Definitely take the advise of others and seek legal advice to ensure she can't take your kid anywhere. It's a sad time but no, this is not a relationship anyone needs to be in. Sometimes, it just takes the words of others to make us see things.