Im always the one who has to compromise

ismiseX

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. I'm 28 and he is 26. We've been living together for a few months now. We generally have a great relationship and get on like a house on fire.
We're hitting some major stumbling blocks when it comes to talking about the future though. We live in the city at the moment. Down the road I would love to move back to my home county, for affordability and family reasons. I think its much easier to have family support when you have kids plus I can't see how we'll ever afford a house in the city. He flat out refuses to consider moving there. He says it's too quiet for him and he'd be bored.
Another issue is engagement. We had big state of the union talk and he isn't ready to get engaged in next year, no money and not feeling ready are his main issues. Reluctantly agreed that his timeline shouldn't be the only one that matters and said we'll get engaged before I'm 30. I should be happy but I feel ****, like I pressured him into that.
He says he loves me and he doesn't want to break up. I don't want to either I just feel very unloved and unvalued at the moment and I'm wondering if we're just too different.

Alf Veedersane

ismiseX wrote: »

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. I'm 28 and he is 26. We've been living together for a few months now. We generally have a great relationship and get on like a house on fire.
We're hitting some major stumbling blocks when it comes to talking about the future though. We live in the city at the moment. Down the road I would love to move back to my home county, for affordability and family reasons. I think its much easier to have family support when you have kids plus I can't see how we'll ever afford a house in the city. He flat out refuses to consider moving there. He says it's too quiet for him and he'd be bored.
Another issue is engagement. We had big state of the union talk and he isn't ready to get engaged in next year, no money and not feeling ready are his main issues. Reluctantly agreed that his timeline shouldn't be the only one that matters and said we'll get engaged before I'm 30. I should be happy but I feel ****, like I pressured him into that.
He says he loves me and he doesn't want to break up. I don't want to either I just feel very unloved and unvalued at the moment and I'm wondering if we're just too different.

As regards moving down the country, it doesn't need to be set in stone now. It's just an abstract concept to him now. When it comes to buying somewhere the reality might hit home when the prices in the city for what you get versus prices down the country reflect a certain reality. The likelihood is you'll both have to compromise.

In terms of getting engaged, some people just need time to get used to the idea. You've opened the talking about it. Maybe he doesn't see the point in getting engaged when you're at a point where it's going to be a long engagement until you're in a position to have the wedding ye want etc. Are you not secure in the relationship aside from that?

Ursus Horribilis

Even though you're saying you're the one who has to compromise, a lot of this is about what you and you alone want. You want to move back to where your family live. What if he doesn't want to live in the middle of his in-laws? Or indeed, that it's too quiet for his liking. Can you not compromise and look at somewhere in a nearby town or somewhere that'd be more suited to both of your needs? Not just you Also, what's the story with your jobs? Would a move out of the city mean he/you would have to find new jobs down the country?

As for engagement, I think you are pressuring him. Are you one of these women who sees 30 as some sort of deadline? You're only living together for a few short months. Even though you're an item for several years, living together is a completely different kettle of fish.

Why not give him time and come back to him again?

Givepuzzles

This is the kind of situation which can drag on for years. Not being smart but it's a shame you didn't have this chat before ye moved in together as it would be a bigger lurch to move on now as you need to leave your home too.

If he isn't ready after 6 years, when will he be? Has he a plan to save money? Are you saving for your future? I don't think it's necessary to move home if you have kids. Family are often much less helpful than you imagine with most people having their own lives. Would ye get jobs there? To be frank op your 'wants' for the future might not be compatible.

Alf Veedersane

Givepuzzles wrote: »

This is the kind of situation which can drag on for years. Not being smart but it's a shame you didn't have this chat before ye moved in together as it would be a bigger lurch to move on now as you need to leave your home too.

If he isn't ready after 6 years, when will he be? Has he a plan to save money? Are you saving for your future? I don't think it's necessary to move home if you have kids. Family are often much less helpful than you imagine with most people having their own lives. Would ye get jobs there? To be frank op your 'wants' for the future might not be compatible.

To be fair, they're not long living together. A lot of people would have been better served by living together for a decent period of time before marrying. They're both you so there's no immediate pressure once they both communicate where they are without it becoming pressurised.

topmanamillion

I think you need to take things one step at a time.
As has been said there'll have to be an element of compromise on most of the issues you've raised.

While you're both very young it's really about now you should start saving towards your future together.
While your wedding may be 3-4 years down the road, there's no harm saving now.
Likewise your home, where ever that may be.
Is your boyfriend willing to do this now?

You've broached an abstract concept with him, now you should speak about the realities.
What does he think about paying 500k for a 3 bed semi detached house in an okay housing estate?
He may well be okay with it as he feels it's a worthwhile investment in what he feels is a higher standard of living.

It's important that there's compromise as if you were to convince him to move to the country you don't want to hear "I always liked city life better" for the rest of your lives together. Likewise you don't want to feel resentment towards him that you didn't get to move home.

Is living near your family a red line issue?

You need to think about what you want, take into account what your boyfriend wants and weigh up if they are compatible. Unfortunately, sometimes people in long term relationships only find out that they aren't compatible at your stage in the relationship.

I hope you are and I wish you the best of luck.

zoobizoo

Your fella is 26.

Moving from a capital city where entertainment etc is on tap to a quiet town/ village is a massive move.


Moving to be close to someone else's family is also a massive step.

Maybe he feels he has a life to live yet instead of retiring to somewhere with limited opportunities, away from his family and friends and remaining there. I know that I would have at that age. Actually at that age I was travelling the world.

At 26 the country can seem like a terrible move
...too far away, too quiet etc. When you get a bit older it can be more appealing... Cheaper, better sense of community, family ties etc. Maybe it is too soon for him to think like that.

Pawwed Rig

topmanamillion wrote: »

What does he think about paying 500k for a 3 bed semi detached house in an okay housing estate.

€500K would get you a nice house in almost any part of Ireland in the very exclusive parts of most towns and cities.

OP it sounds like he is the one expected to compromise rather than the other way around. I can completely understand him not wanting to move to your home town. Between longer commutes and family interference you are looking at your own happiness rather than his. If I was him this would be a major red flag.
Stop pressuring him and find out what he wants rather than pushing what you want.

Emmadilema123

ismiseX wrote: »

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. I'm 28 and he is 26. We've been living together for a few months now. We generally have a great relationship and get on like a house on fire.
We're hitting some major stumbling blocks when it comes to talking about the future though. We live in the city at the moment. Down the road I would love to move back to my home county, for affordability and family reasons. I think its much easier to have family support when you have kids plus I can't see how we'll ever afford a house in the city. He flat out refuses to consider moving there. He says it's too quiet for him and he'd be bored.
Another issue is engagement. We had big state of the union talk and he isn't ready to get engaged in next year, no money and not feeling ready are his main issues. Reluctantly agreed that his timeline shouldn't be the only one that matters and said we'll get engaged before I'm 30. I should be happy but I feel ****, like I pressured him into that.
He says he loves me and he doesn't want to break up. I don't want to either I just feel very unloved and unvalued at the moment and I'm wondering if we're just too different.

26 is terribly young for a man to make decisions that are going to have an impact on the rest of his life. Especially considering he might live double that time again and the 26 he has lived so far have felt like a very long time :-P

My younger brother is 26 and lives in the city centre. Is just making some great moves regarding his career. I see it all over his face when he walks into my house. Kids screaming everywhere. It's absolutely not where his head is now and likewise I look at his life and think wouldn't it be great to have all that freedom to enjoy life. I obviously do not regret having a family but it is a life changing thing and I think can be more intimidating for young men.

I get where your head is at as well. You have a clock and need to lay the foundations for the perfect family situation before the children come. You don't have to follow that map either. I know I didn't. I went arse about face. Had a baby, got married and had another baby, finally got our own place and then had another baby. We are at the same place now as all those perfect families who did it the "right way"

Keep your options open. Making rigid plans now will leave no room for flexibility in the future which is why your partner is apprehensive about agreeing to anything. Enjoy your time now getting to know each other in a different way. It might not feel like it now but if it is meant to be it will all come together but it might be a lot easier to get there if you can find a way to go with the flow for now.

racso1975

Remember what you are asking him to give up in relation to the move.

You get to be closer to your family,closer to friends or re-engage friendships from when you lived there. For him it is starting all over again developing a new network etc. I know you will say you will be there but trust me I know what it's like particularly when a group go out and discuss all the local gossip and take trips down memory lane and you don't have a jot who or what they are on about. That's fine to handle when it's the occasional trip home but another thing altogether when it becomes the norm.

Really I suppose compromise would be a move out of the city not just primarily to your home place.

Just to finally add at 28 I was a very different man to the one I was at 26!!! World of difference.

Just one last thing. Is there by any chance some outside pressures here. Do you see your friends buying homes getting engaged, married having kids and think you need to get moving to keep up?

You have been 6 years together. It's a long time. You started out in what was probably the most carefree time of anybody's life and are now approaching the more serious stuff. One partner will probably always get there before the other. Give it time have patience, he obviously loves you and wants a future with you.

Sound Bite

Your expectations of a 26 year old man are unrealistic, unless he is a real exception to the norm.

I can't see this ending well given there's such a gap between what you both want.

SarahMollie

OP, I have to agree with the majority of other posters. You're not really comprising here, you're just not getting your own way.

Also, you chose to enter into a relationship with someone 2 years your junior. This isnt a problem per se, but expecting him to be ready for marriage at 26 just because you're feeling the pressure of 30 looming, isn't fair or realistic.

Also, it sounds to me that you decided that you wanted to move back to where you're from and are no disappointed that he's not just following your lead. Did you ever actually ask him where he sees himself?

Compromise is understanding what you want and what he wants and trying to find a middle ground. I don't see any evidence here of you making any effort to accommodate him, merely that you're just annoyed that things are not 100% your way.

Katgurl

I fail to see how you're compromising. Ok you're 28 but he's 26. This is why most twenty somethings have a three or four year age gap in the other direction. He's still really young! I think the fact he's open to planning is a good sign. I think what you're asking is a lot. Are you both from the same area or would you just be moving close to your family?

You also didn't really expand on what his reasons were for not wanting to do it. Did you ask? And listen?

I'm not trying to offend you, I'm letting you know hobestly how your post struck me; one sided. I think you need to remember that relationships are two-way and not just about him following your roadmap.

BetsyEllen

Are you even at the stage yet where you have a full deposit saved, could actually apply for a mortgage and start viewing houses? Is it something that is going to happen in the next 6 months?

If not then why worry yet...so much could change in between now and then, you are causing unnecessary anxiety for yourself and him.

If you've only just moved in together, maybe just try to relax and enjoy that? Try not to be in such a rush to move straight onto the next 'step' - you probably planned on moving in together for ages, daydreamed about what it would be like...well now you're there, take some time to appreciate it.
Just have some fun. You can keep putting money away for a house etc but there's really no need for the stress of arguing over where you're going to purchase said house, until you're actually going out and viewing them.

With regards to marriage...you have a man that you love, you live with him and are happy - marriage won't change that. You can be perfectly happy without it if you just let yourself. It will come in time when it's meant to - wouldn't you rather him propose when he is absolutely ready instead of having a half hearted proposal because you made him feel like he should?