Eating disorder?

LegacyUser

Hi, I''m posting this as a last resort in the hopes that someone can give me some clarification. apologies in advance for the long post.

In the last year, my eating has become so strange. I lost a lot of weight a year and a half ago through diet and exercise but then I found I was petrified to gain. I am currently 8 stone 10 and 5 foot 4.

It became obsessive. I'd weigh myself multiple times a day, unless I thought I'd gained. Then I wouldn't because I was scared. Every morning I look in the mirror to see my body and whenever I pass a window or anything refelctive I see how big I look and whatever I see dictates my mood at that time. I began restricting my calories but almost fainted one day and stopped. I tried to get help but completely regretted telling anyone as I began to think this was all in my head and wasn't a real problem. I would starve for days and lose weight. Every tiny bit of food I ate made me feel this horrific guilt. Then I'd go crazy and binge and gain the weight back on before beginning the cycle again.

Slowly I stopped this and gained weight and felt terrible but actually happy because I was eating without guilt. But I hated my body even more although I was only a small bit larger, I felt like a whale and could barely look in the mirror. I have lost this extra weight and I should be happy with how I look. People compliment my figure all the time now but I still feel absolutely huge.

Now though it is happening again. I am obsessed over calories. I try an consume as little as possible, and I only eat things when I know how many calories it has. I count every calorie I eat and log it in an app. I've started restricing again and have found myself lying to family about what I actually have ate.

I am tired of feeling guilty after every bit of food I eat, and I am sick of not being able to enjoy things because of the limitations I have on my diet. I know how I feel is not normal. But I am not underweight. And I am eating. I don't purge. My parents do worry I don't eat but they aren't very concerned. So my question is, do I just continue on with this or is there anything I can do to help. Is this even a real problem?

Alf Veedersane

pathoflife345 wrote: »

Hi, I''m posting this as a last resort in the hopes that someone can give me some clarification. apologies in advance for the long post.

In the last year, my eating has become so strange. I lost a lot of weight a year and a half ago through diet and exercise but then I found I was petrified to gain. I am currently 8 stone 10 and 5 foot 4.

It became obsessive. I'd weigh myself multiple times a day, unless I thought I'd gained. Then I wouldn't because I was scared. Every morning I look in the mirror to see my body and whenever I pass a window or anything refelctive I see how big I look and whatever I see dictates my mood at that time. I began restricting my calories but almost fainted one day and stopped. I tried to get help but completely regretted telling anyone as I began to think this was all in my head and wasn't a real problem. I would starve for days and lose weight. Every tiny bit of food I ate made me feel this horrific guilt. Then I'd go crazy and binge and gain the weight back on before beginning the cycle again.

Slowly I stopped this and gained weight and felt terrible but actually happy because I was eating without guilt. But I hated my body even more although I was only a small bit larger, I felt like a whale and could barely look in the mirror. I have lost this extra weight and I should be happy with how I look. People compliment my figure all the time now but I still feel absolutely huge.

Now though it is happening again. I am obsessed over calories. I try an consume as little as possible, and I only eat things when I know how many calories it has. I count every calorie I eat and log it in an app. I've started restricing again and have found myself lying to family about what I actually have ate.

I am tired of feeling guilty after every bit of food I eat, and I am sick of not being able to enjoy things because of the limitations I have on my diet. I know how I feel is not normal. But I am not underweight. And I am eating. I don't purge. My parents do worry I don't eat but they aren't very concerned. So my question is, do I just continue on with this or is there anything I can do to help. Is this even a real problem?

Yes, it's a problem but I think you know it deep down. Not purging doesn't mean it isn't an issue. It just means your eating disorder is manifesting itself in a different way.

Your eating is disordered. You're fixation on calories and being completely in control of your intake.

I'm not sure if you need a GP referral to see a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist (CBT) - the page on the HSE won't load on my phone - but CBT is what something I think would make a world of difference to you.

I say that as someone who very much had an eating disorder and who found CBT helped me get to the bottom of why I was doing what I was doing and has basically given me back my life.

There may be something of use here:

http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/4/Mental_Health_Services/dsc/communityservices/cbt.html

But definitely worth looking into. Your relationship with food and your body isn't healthy. There is a root cause for it....that's what you need to get to in order to help you get back to a healthy relationship with food, your body and most importantly yourself.

Once I had come out the other side, I was significantly happier in myself. Happier in my own skin and I wasn't weighed down all the time with the turmoil of wondering what I was doing, why was I doing it, was it really a problem, how big a problem and so on.

tea and coffee

Yes, it is a real problem, and it is good that you can recognise it. The hard part will be doing something about it- but you have taken the very big first step. I think you should try and talk to your GP is you feel that you can talk to them, and see if they can refer you to a service that specialises in dealing with ED.
Talk to your mum or dad or if you have another family member you can speak to about it, so that you have some support there.
I wish you the very best.

beans

I went through something similar some years ago. Acknowledging and then breaking the cycle, gradually getting back into a steady 3-meal routine helped. And self-examination. For me, I think it was symptomatic of stress from other aspects of my life manifesting in bad habits, poor self-image etc.

Perhaps focus on what those underlying causes may be, aspects of your life you're unhappy with, or that are hard to think about... take some time to think this through. It can help, but I only have my own experience to go on.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

Yes, it's a problem but I think you know it deep down. Not purging doesn't mean it isn't an issue. It just means your eating disorder is manifesting itself in a different way.

Your eating is disordered. You're fixation on calories and being completely in control of your intake.

I'm not sure if you need a GP referral to see a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist (CBT) - the page on the HSE won't load on my phone - but CBT is what something I think would make a world of difference to you.

I say that as someone who very much had an eating disorder and who found CBT helped me get to the bottom of why I was doing what I was doing and has basically given me back my life.

There may be something of use here:

http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/4/Mental_Health_Services/dsc/communityservices/cbt.html

But definitely worth looking into. Your relationship with food and your body isn't healthy. There is a root cause for it....that's what you need to get to in order to help you get back to a healthy relationship with food, your body and most importantly yourself.

Once I had come out the other side, I was significantly happier in myself. Happier in my own skin and I wasn't weighed down all the time with the turmoil of wondering what I was doing, why was I doing it, was it really a problem, how big a problem and so on.

This is OP. Thanks for the advice. I have a lot going on right now and sometimes it becomes a lot but I don't really have anyone to talk to I can trust.

LegacyUser

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

Yes, it's a problem but I think you know it deep down. Not purging doesn't mean it isn't an issue. It just means your eating disorder is manifesting itself in a different way.

Your eating is disordered. You're fixation on calories and being completely in control of your intake.

I'm not sure if you need a GP referral to see a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist (CBT) - the page on the HSE won't load on my phone - but CBT is what something I think would make a world of difference to you.

I say that as someone who very much had an eating disorder and who found CBT helped me get to the bottom of why I was doing what I was doing and has basically given me back my life.

There may be something of use here:

http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/4/Mental_Health_Services/dsc/communityservices/cbt.html

But definitely worth looking into. Your relationship with food and your body isn't healthy. There is a root cause for it....that's what you need to get to in order to help you get back to a healthy relationship with food, your body and most importantly yourself.

Once I had come out the other side, I was significantly happier in myself. Happier in my own skin and I wasn't weighed down all the time with the turmoil of wondering what I was doing, why was I doing it, was it really a problem, how big a problem and so on.

Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate it. I find it so easy to type down the issues I ahve but I can't speak about them. But this advice really helped.

LegacyUser

tea and coffee wrote: »

Yes, it is a real problem, and it is good that you can recognise it. The hard part will be doing something about it- but you have taken the very big first step. I think you should try and talk to your GP is you feel that you can talk to them, and see if they can refer you to a service that specialises in dealing with ED.
Talk to your mum or dad or if you have another family member you can speak to about it, so that you have some support there.
I wish you the very best.

Thank you for the well wishes. I don't really have anyone I can talk to. I don't feel like I can tell my mom and dad, I don't want them to worry etc. I want to deal with it alone. I've messed up a few relationships with others recently because I feel like crap a lot and can't do rational things.

LegacyUser

beans wrote: »

I went through something similar some years ago. Acknowledging and then breaking the cycle, gradually getting back into a steady 3-meal routine helped. And self-examination. For me, I think it was symptomatic of stress from other aspects of my life manifesting in bad habits, poor self-image etc.

Perhaps focus on what those underlying causes may be, aspects of your life you're unhappy with, or that are hard to think about... take some time to think this through. It can help, but I only have my own experience to go on.

Thanks for this. It made a lot of sense to me. Only thing is I have no clue what else in my life could be causing me to do this.

LegacyUser

FizzleSticks wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I wish I could feel like this for sure. It is really hard. Thank you for the comment.

Alf Veedersane

Pathoflife wrote: »

This is OP. Thanks for the advice. I have a lot going on right now and sometimes it becomes a lot but I don't really have anyone to talk to I can trust.

pathoflife345 wrote: »

Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate it. I find it so easy to type down the issues I ahve but I can't speak about them. But this advice really helped.

I totally appreciate that. It's a lonely place to be in. Even if you do feel like there's someone who would show you compassion and who you could talk to, you feel like you'd only be burdening them with worry. Totally get that.

I would still totally suggest going to a CBT. You need an outlet, you need to understand why you do what you do and feel the way you feel, you need to understand how to address it. That's all part of the process of getting better.

Check out that link I posted, go to a GP for a referral but once you make that first step you'll feel a weight lifted, that you've started to address it.

LegacyUser

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

I totally appreciate that. It's a lonely place to be in. Even if you do feel like there's someone who would show you compassion and who you could talk to, you feel like you'd only be burdening them with worry. Totally get that.

I would still totally suggest going to a CBT. You need an outlet, you need to understand why you do what you do and feel the way you feel, you need to understand how to address it. That's all part of the process of getting better.

Check out that link I posted, go to a GP for a referral but once you make that first step you'll feel a weight lifted, that you've started to address it.

The reason for the two replies is because I am new to this forum! Thanks again.

Faith

You have described a very clear, easily-defined eating disorder. Diagnoses obviously can't be given here, but I recommend you speak to your GP ASAP. I'd print out your first post and bring it with you. S/he will assist you in moving forward with this. As Alf Veedersane mentioned, CBT is a good approach, but I think you should arrange it through your GP. S/he can give recommendations of therapists who specialise in eating disorders.

Also, a HUGE well done to you for identifying this dangerous and destructive pattern . It's not easy, so you should know that you have already shown remarkable strength. You can and will move on from this

beks101

I'd also advise the GP route and try to get a referral to someone who deals specifically with eating disorders.

And just to mention - eating disorders are not defined by weight. This was my biggest gripe when I was at my sickest - "if I'm so ill then why is everyone telling me I look great?" Even my own family GP told me I looked "fantastic"
People will do that because we live in a society where 'skinny' is revered as some sort of godly status and weight loss is hailed as a super heroic achievement. And that's why so many eating disorders go unnoticed, and so many sufferers don't seek help.

If you're avoiding food and obsessing and stressing over your body to the point where it's negatively impacting your day - you have a problem.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

You have described a very clear, easily-defined eating disorder. Diagnoses obviously can't be given here, but I recommend you speak to your GP ASAP. I'd print out your first post and bring it with you. S/he will assist you in moving forward with this. As Alf Veedersane mentioned, CBT is a good approach, but I think you should arrange it through your GP. S/he can give recommendations of therapists who specialise in eating disorders.

Also, a HUGE well done to you for identifying this dangerous and destructive pattern . It's not easy, so you should know that you have already shown remarkable strength. You can and will move on from this

Thanks so much. I don't know how I will talk to anyone about it but hopefully it will work out.

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

I'd also advise the GP route and try to get a referral to someone who deals specifically with eating disorders.

And just to mention - eating disorders are not defined by weight. This was my biggest gripe when I was at my sickest - "if I'm so ill then why is everyone telling me I look great?" Even my own family GP told me I looked "fantastic"
People will do that because we live in a society where 'skinny' is revered as some sort of godly status and weight loss is hailed as a super heroic achievement. And that's why so many eating disorders go unnoticed, and so many sufferers don't seek help.

If you're avoiding food and obsessing and stressing over your body to the point where it's negatively impacting your day - you have a problem.

Yeah your insight into weight and weight loss is very true. Everyone tells me how good I look and sometimes I believe them but if I lose more I think I will look better. My mom told me I put on some weight and the feeling I had was so horrible.

Faith

pathoflife345 wrote: »

Thanks so much. I don't know how I will talk to anyone about it but hopefully it will work out.

As I said, just print out your first post here and hand it to your GP. You don't have to utter a word to get the ball rolling .