Unreasonable?

LegacyUser

I'm feeling very frustrated at the moment and unsure of what to do. Money is tight at the moment and despite the fact that my OH and I both work full-time, that is unlikely to change in the near future. Two of our adult children still live at home. Neither has a full-time job (they work part-time and receive unemployment benefit for non-work days) and neither contributes to the household budget. I've become increasingly bothered by this because I still cook for all, ensure that there are clean towels and toiletries and keep the place reasonably presentable. I look after the bills and never get asked if I have enough to pay them (which would be nice in the run-up to mortgage day!). I'm exhausted, not only from keeping up with a demanding job but from keeping everything ticking over at home. I'm terrible at confrontation but feel on the verge of exploding and saying things I'll later regret. I love my family but right now I don't like them very much. Any useful advice would be very welcome - the most thing that worries me is that perhaps I'm expecting too much. What is reasonable in other similar households?

dar100

They need to pay their way, and also help with the house work!! At the very least 50 euro each a week possible more

Dr Crayfish

You have to lay down the law. As soon as I started earning (aside from part time jobs in school/college) my ma would be on my case demanding money every time I got paid! She's an absolute sweetheart but I guess she wanted to teach us you have to earn your keep, like she did from when she was 16 years old and working in Roches Stores
They really should be contributing, even if it's 20e a week from their dole, if they're getting any.

mada82

What kind of people don't realise they should be paying their way?

Just tell them calmly they all need to contribute with finances and house keeping.

Refuse to buy food or cook/clean until they start helping.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the feedback folks - I appreciate you giving your time. I guess I already knew the current situation is just not right. What I really, really need to know is how to broach the subject.

I grew up in a house with non-stop fighting, a lot of which was particularly nasty. As a result I've always avoided confrontations. One of the kids is easy to sort things out with, the other is like a Rottweiler when pushed about anything that doesn't suit.

Penny Tration

You need to insist they contribute. pick an amount that would help you a lot, say €50, and tell them that they need to pay it weekly because you can't afford to pay their share of bills and food any longer. Or give them each a bill that they must pay each month, such as electricity and internet, something that they use.

If you want to financially support your adult children that's fine, but your situation doesn't allow for that.

They need to contribute and you need to be strong and present a united front with your husband.

freshpopcorn

You need your adult children to contribute and if they don't want to they can find somewhere else to live of they want. Have you actually asked them or discussed it with partner?
All household are different in regarding charging rent to there gown up children and you just need to find what works for your family.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I had a longer reply drafted but lost it in cyberspace. Oddly enough as I drafted that reply, I answered some of my own questions, so it wasn't a complete waste! I'm going to pick my moment to have a calm and rational discussion with the two. My OH agrees and, I hope, will back the request for input to the house finances. Probably best to sort it out calmly now than in anger later.

silverharp

its good for them at the end of the day , if they have a free ride they will lack the extra motivation to improve themselves. they need a reality check

kunst nugget

What you're doing with your children at the moment is infantilising them by allowing them to behave in this manner. Why bother developing any adult life skills such as budgeting, paying for bills or cooking for themselves when their mother is going to do it all for them? Being firm doesn't mean non-stop fighting and getting them to contribute is actually beneficial to them imo as it makes them understand how much goes into running a household. As for the child that acts like a rottweiler, refuse to engage with them until they are able to talk to you in a calm manner befitting their maturity (and explain this to them in a calm and measured tone) but don't back down on your desire for them to contribute to the household. Good luck!

ChampagnePop

Give them chores too, they work part time only, plenty of time to help you around the house. 50e a week is fair as well, you're adult children shouldn't cost you money, you're doing them a favour by sharing your home with them - they shouldn't also be a financial burden on you.

SB_Part2

I don't think it's unreasonable. If you're struggling financially it's only fair they help you out.

LegacyUser

OP, I agree with all of the previous comments that your adult children should be contributing to the household, especially if money is tight. I would suggest treating them like adults and have an open and honest chat with them about finances. Tell them that despite you and their father working full time, you are really struggling to support 4 adults and that they need to pay their way. I'd worry that if you just say "you're freeloading here, you need to pay up" they'll act like children and throw a strop. By approaching them like an adult, you're priming them to behave like adults and contribute to the household. For what it's worth, some people just aren't observant and that's not to say that they were raised badly or that there's anything wrong with them, they just wouldn't notice that you're struggling and it wouldn't occur to them that they should be contributing to the household. Best of luck OP!

intheclouds

A contribution to the household.

I think that contribution should be both financial and practical. They need to pull their weight in terms of cooking, cleaning, gardening, maintenance etc... As well as make some financial contribution.

Givepuzzles

If you've never asked for money from them then why would they know to pay it. Just tell them minimum 50 per week each

SarahMollie

Hi OP,

Yes, you should certainly ask them to contribute. If anything, you'll be doing them a favour because everyone needs to learn the cost of having a roof over their heads sooner or later. Honestly this is just good practice, whether or not things are tight for you personally.

My parents never asked me, but as soon as I finished college and got my first job, they were straight on my case about moving out, which i duly did. They were very fair and gave me my first months rent and deposit as a "get out present" I've been paying my own rent and bills since, and that was about 8 years ago. The only exception was about 2 years ago when a house I was supposed to be buying fell through late in the process and my landlord had already given us notice he was going to sell. I ended up staying there for about 4weeks, and even though they wouldnt let me contribute, I bought them vouchers for meals out and new microwave when theirs stopped working. This was because I knew I shouldnt be living for free.

In contrast, I have a cousin who's in her mid thirties and still lives at home whit her (seperated) mother. The pair of them are beyond codependant and I worry that she's never going to carve out a life of her own at this point.

A little "pushing" can actually do people the world of good.

chuckles30

The money issue has been well talked about here and I agree that they should be contributing.

However on the household chores - both you & your oh are working full time, while your adult children work part time - get them to cook certain days of the week - if they only work part time, they can easily do it the days they're off.

Each adult should be responsible for doing their own washing - they need to learn, otherwise when they move out they will become housemates from hell.

Housework can also be shared out - I bet you are the one cleaning the bathrooms, kitchen, hoovering etc.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for the advice folks - it has helped me focus own thoughts. I appreciate the time you all gave my questions