Husband had a private lapdance - advice please

hurtconfused

Post deleted

blue note

Doesn't sound like your husband did a whole lot wrong in fairness. Sounds like he got drunk with a buddy who goes to strip clubs. He probably convinced him to go since those places serve later than normal places. A dance isn't cheating. I don't think there's ever touching and there's certainly no intimacy. He probably was so drunk he doesn't really remember it.

It sounds to me like it's something you'll have to get over. If you need counselling to do this then do it. But I think you need to come around to the fact that your husband hasn't done anything terrible and I'd stop likening it to cheating asap.

LegacyUser

You're making a mountain out of a mole hill here. Sure put your husband in the dog house for going to a stripper which he knows you don't approve of and put him in there longer for lying too you after but to call it cheating? Please he has access to harder stuff on his phone . I suspect the reason he lied is he knew you'd make a massive deal about it.

LegacyUser

Op I'm not sure how you can believe him when he said he never did this before. He lied to your face for three days about it and didn't even come clean in the end - his friend did!!!

Ignatius in bloom

You are obviously hurt by this and you have a right to be but if its out of character then i think you should let it go as its a lap dance usually its grotty and sleazy and only a certain type of person gets enjoyment out of it so if its out of character for your husband then i would give him the benefit of the doubt. I think if it was me i would prefer a quick lap dance for a partner than them to even have an emotional affair because that is far worse in my opinion and much more intimate. A lap dance is not intimate and as far as i can see not even very enjoyable.

I think you probably need to address why your husband lied and maybe reevaluate how close you two are or to put it another way have you both kind of drifted apart and just go through the motions? Maybe it can be a good thing and can make you both find a better and more loving and trustful path in the future.

I would doubt there was touching as if its a strip club then they would probably be strict on touching as to not lose their license.

chin nuts

Poor fella. Maybe you should leave sounds like he'd be better off. So he got a lapdance, big deal. Your post is screaming insecure I honestly thought it was a wind up. And now your making him go for counselling???. Get a grip woman, it was a lap dance. Maybe you should go with him next time.

screamer

I'd not be too pleased if it we're my hubby either OP as I do think it's sleazy old gits who resort to this type of thing. You'll never know what went on for sure but if it were me id want to know why my hubby had to go and pay someone to do that. That's more of relevance here than the actual lap dance itself and you really need to find out why. Sometimes things like this are just the first step on a slippery slope to relationship breakdown and really many a person male and female had walked regardless of what they had to lose more focused on what they had to gain. Counselling is a good step if you cant sit down together and duscuss this openly and honestly but be careful too he had a hard time telling you and counciling will mean this has to be aired in front of a stranger he may well lie to save face or not engage fully with it. Really you need to find out what the motivation was on your hubbys side and as a couple you need see this as a checkpoint for your relationship and see what can be learned from it and perhaps changed for the better. Good luck with it.

Big Bag of Chips

It's not nice. He knew it'd upset you. It's even a bit cringey if you're not into it. So I'm guessing they are just some of the reasons he didn't tell you. The friend is obviously a regular, and convinced him to go. Few drinks too many in him, it probably was easy enough to convince him to go for a few more. Once there the friend, who is a regular (and I'd imagine not just for the drink) convinces him to have one for the laugh.

It's not nice. It's going to eat at you for a while, but you need to make a choice. You have decided you are not going to leave him. You've said if it happens again you would. So.. if you are not going to leave him, then by extension you've accepted he did it but are willing to accept it as a stupid mistake and move on. You CANNOT keep going on at him about it. You cannot keep bringing it up. If you are going to use it as a stick to beat him with over and over then neither of you are going to be happy, so why prolong the agony.

In saying all that that doesn't mean that you have to be happy about it, and have to pretend you're ok. It's ok for you to feel sad, and betrayed and let down and whatever else. Allow yourself those feelings, but don't dwell on them. Let him know you're feeling a bit upset about the deception, but don't turn it into a "you did this to me, why did you do it etc etc?" argument.

You're not going to break up with him at the moment. So try to move forward from it. It won't come easy, but you can't have it both ways. You can't stay in a relationship but keep kicking your partner over a mistake. If you want to stay in the relationship you try to park that, and move on. If you can't park it, then maybe it's best to admit that.

Dtp1979

Hold on, you're getting marriage counselling because your husband got a lap dance? Seriously?

Loveinapril

I agree with Blue Note on all they said. Having someone dance 'at' you is hardly cheating!

I think the lying is the major issue here so you are right to be p!ssed at that.

Penny Tration

It's okay to be upset by this.


Sounds like he made some stupid decisions while drunk, that he wouldn't usually make. Of course you're upset because you see it as a betrayal, and I'm sure his lies probably didn't help!

However, I'd imagine he lied because it's pretty embarrassing to admit you got so drunk you let your friend take you to a strip club and did something that made you feel like a dirty old man.


I think if you're struggling to get past it, counselling is a good thing. Hopefully it'll help you and your husband communicate better.

It's okay to be upset, hurt and angry. But it's not okay to take those feelings out on your husband because you've agreed to move on. Talk to him about it, sure, tell him how you feel. Don't use it as a stick to beat him with, though.


It'll take time to stop feeling hurt, so make sure you discuss your feelings and actively work together to get past them. It'll also help to set clear boundaries as to what is and isn't acceptable in your relationship. That way, there will be no confusion in future.

Good luck.

Neyite

Mod:
Posts like these examples below are below the standard here in PI.

chin nuts wrote: »

Poor fella. Maybe you should leave sounds like he'd be better off. So he got a lapdance, big deal. Your post is screaming insecure I honestly thought it was a wind up. And now your making him go for counselling???. Get a grip woman, it was a lap dance. Maybe you should go with him next time.

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Hold on, you're getting marriage counselling because your husband got a lap dance? Seriously?

What may not be a big issue to one person in their relationships could be very important to another and that should be respected. And replies should be helpful and constructive to the OP and mindful of the fact that they are posting because they are upset.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe it's just me but I have nothing but contempt for people who swear things on their kids lives :mad:

I can understand why you're unhappy about this but I certainly wouldn't go as far as to say it was cheating. That to me strikes me as being a bit over the top. Do you tend to get very upset about things in general?

amdublin

I'm wondering is there a reason he went for the lapdance. Was it purely a drunken silly thing to do. Or is there something deeper - is there intimacy missing between you in your marriage that he thought he might get from a lapdance?

I think counselling should both help you a lot - to explore your relationship as a whole (noting my above comment)

It will also help you explore his actions (the going, the lying) your reaction to it - in some sense you can see why he'd lie....you were never going to like him going! There is a part of me that things focusing on the lying won't help you both - you exploring more why you didn't like what he did/what it means for your relationship and how to get through this as a couple will help you more.

I guess what I am saying is it is great you are going to counselling and this is the point where you need to work together and not against each other.

Mumm_ra

I think its a positive move that you realise that YOU need counseling.

chin nuts

Neyite wrote:

What may not be a big issue to one person in their relationships could be very important to another and that should be respected. And replies should be helpful and constructive to the OP and mindful of the fact that they are posting because they are upset.

My reply was constructive. I'm trying to put some perspective on something that in my opinion is a trivial matter.

The guy got a lapdance, it's not a regular occurrence for him. He was with a friend who is obviously a bit of a creep, had a few drinks had a good night. I suspect the reason he didn't tell his misses was because of this over the top she'll freak out reaction.

If the shoe was on the other foot he'd laugh at the situation, if she was on a hen party and a male stripper showed up, would she walk out. Would he be furious about it??. Theres worse things happening in the world yet a man having a lap dance is some incredulous behaviour. Life is short , try to enjoy it.

Emmadilema123

I can understand why your upset. The though of my husband being in an intimate situation with another woman literally makes my skin crawl.

Would you visit the place yourself to get some answers so your mind doesn't run away with you?

I think in general most men don't really enjoy lap dances all that much. From what I can tell private lap dances just make most men feel awkward unless they are hammered or in a pack.

I would definitely prefer to be with a man who feels like a sleaze after a lap dance than one who gets enjoyment out of something like that when he has a woman at home who can do the same and more.

It's prob not an awful situation for your marriage if you believe he is genuinely remorseful and you see it as a mistake as opposed to questioning his character and the person he is.

Dyr

Can't believe his friend grassed him out, the chap needs new friends

Emmadilema123

Turn on Doctor Phil now! Exact same story. Wife went to the club. So random!

Sapphire

I think the big problem is the sustained lying.

I cant say that I'd be too enthused if my partner went to a LD club, but the way I see it is that he is free to do what he likes but I am also free to choose whether or not I want to be with someone who would buy a lap dance.

It's clear to me that you know he's gone to these clubs before and while you similarly are not enthused about them, were of the understanding that he just followed the crowd on a stag, and maybe wasn't an active participant. Now you know for sure that he was, at least once. And did it with the full knowledge that you consider it a massive turn off.

It's the lying and not being forthcoming about details that is concerning. You've asked and he's lied. Again and again. Over days. You've asked what kind of a place it was - and there are ones that are legit and no-touching, but equally, there are ones where it's understood that you can make arrangements directly with the girl for extra services elsewhere. (and before blokes start giving out that I'm a misguided feminist, and that sex work does not happen - I was told this by a male friend who was a regular in LD clubs, and knew which ones offered extras and which don't. I also had a flatmate for a while who was a lap-dancer and who confirmed this too.)

And if it was one of the clubs where sex services are offered or subtly facilitated, then you do deserve clarity from him on this. The fact though that he's lied and lied, and lied swearing on the lives of your children is enough to rock your view on the kid of man that he is. I'd probably get over a dance quickly, but not the lying and absolutely not the lying on the heads of his children, the muppet.

Counselling for the lying, yes. I do think its a bit of a stretch calling it cheating (unless he did avail of extras), but it was a deal-breaker that he knew about in your relationship whatever you call it. Probably if he'd came home and told you the next morning that he just drunk and followed the mate and one thing led to another etc then you'd have resolved your disagreement by now. He's made it far far worse and damaging than it should have been, and that is why you both need counselling I think.

ChampagnePop

I would consider getting a private lapdance a big deal. I don't understand how so many people are brushing this off.
I hope counselling works for you both, he might have just made a mistake, hopefully through counselling you can move on. Good luck