How do you feel partner watching porn?

LegacyUser

Hi would like to get an outside perspective to this issue and was wondering if I'm being unfair or unreasonable. My boyfriend watches porn I assume most guys do? Anyway we were having a casual conversation about it a few weeks ago and he spoke about how he likes watching hot girls etc. I kind of felt a bit of a sting when he was talking about them but didn't say that to him. Didn't think too much of it at the time but lately the idea of him watching porn is starting to make me feel a little insecure.

We are together 3 years, I never really had an issue with this but it has got me thinking lately. I make an effort with my appearance and go to gym etc to keep in shape but have started to feel a little insecure about my appearance lately. I feel I make an effort and keep myself in shape but don't feel that he aknowledges this which is a little deflating. Our sex life is good most of the time but I'm starting to feel that he doesn't find me that attractive anymore:( I feel that I make an effort with nice gestures and my appearance but feel he is starting to take me for granted....I'm growing tired of making effort making nice dinners, trying to be romantic etc. I feel when I make an effort with my appearance it's rarely aknowledged....while on the contrary I tell him regularly how gorgeous he is.

I feel he's watching porn more lately and am starting to think this is creating a unrealistic view of how girls should look...I have never been self conscious about my body but am starting to feel paranoid that I'm mentally being compared to girls in these videos by him. It's starting to bother me but I don't want to ask him to stop watching it as I'm sure most guys do even if in healthy relationships. How do people feel about their partners watching it? How do I overcome these insecurities without looking crazy ?

Any advice or constructive critism would be welcome xx

ellie1

If people want to watch porn that's fine. If people actually think that all the women and men are having a great time, that all men have huge knobs, women have great breasts, tight asses and everybody is multi orgasmic, then there just a bit thick really ...

It would be great if we told our partners how great they are all the time but we will all get old, wrinkly, saggy etc . Sometimes other people are really attractive and hot.

Other people are not responsible for making you feel secure. Go to the gym, get a good routine going get a new hair do, meditate do some yoga and start feeling confident and secure in yourself again. Believe in yourself girl, you don't need anyone to validate you or give you compliments , you can do it for yourself. Xxx

racso1975

Yes porn can cause problems if your partner is becoming obsessed watching it and has expectations of you acting like a porn actor in bed or looking like one.

However this does not seem the case as he only mentioned his preference to you once. Everybody who watches porn has a preference but it is just fantasy not reality. I think this is maybe a self confidence thing with you on one front but you are also becoming to think he does not make the same effort as previously. Is this something that occurred to you prior to his mention of porn preference or is it something that you are thinking more recent.

I ask cause sometimes when annoyed or doubting ourselves we begin to find faults with partners that may not be that serious but allows us to focus negatively on them as opposed to the real problem that could be us.

It feels like you are having many other issues and insecurities and you're using his porn viewing as the anchor to latch all of these on.

SusieBlue

Not sure how often my boyfriend watches porn but have no issue with it, and I'm extremely insecure in my body and looks. I see it as a form of escapism for him, he's mature enough to know that the vast majority of women don't look like that and real sex doesn't happen the way it does in porn. I know he loves me and doesn't compare.

My body issues are entirely my own, in my own head, and he has never made me feel anything less than perfect.

I think the issue here is deeper than the fact that he watches porn. Other than this, are you happy and fulfilled in your relationship? Does he make you feel loved and secure?

ChampagnePop

How does he talk to you in general? When you make a romantic meal and get dressed up does he say thanks at least for the food/ effort?

He might think your going OTT with your gym / doing yourself up and so could be trying to avoid encouraging you in this respect, but if he's not being loving/caring/greatful in general then it sounds like you have your answer.

LegacyUser

I'm a woman who enjoys watching porn. Husband watches it to, sometimes we watch it together but usually we watch on our own as we have different things that turn us on. I've often watch gay porn which OH doesn't want to watch but has no issue with me watching it, he understands it's just a bit of fun and I don't seriously want to be a gay man or anything like that. I don't know what type of porn he watches on his own but I know it's not a reflection on me.

Saying that it's not an ever night thing, if it was I'd prob get peeved off and him with me. It's a couple of times a month for both of us and it's not something that's impacted on our sex life.

Your comments about how he never says anything when you make an effort but you do make comments to him about how good he looks speaks of bigger insecurity issues then him watching porn. If he had never watched porn and complimented you on your looks before then started watching porn and started ignoring then that's an issue but if he's not someone whose forward with compliments on appearance as a general rule it may just be his personality rather then a result of watching porn.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here.
Thanks for all your feedback. After seeing other people's opinions it seems it is normal for guys or girls to watch porn. I actually looked some up out of curiousity and its quite different to what I imagined, it's quite cheesy and pretty obvious that these a fantasy and purely visual stimulants, completely different to what I expected....

I think I'm reading into things too much and its not fair for me to pinpoint my insecurities on him watching porn as this isn't really the issue. Due to something unrelated to him or our relationship I became a little insecure but thankfully I have realised this and will resolve the issue.

If I make an effort and he happens to be tired or off form I can't expect him to be as enthusiastic about things as I am....Thats just life sometimes. And thinking about it he does compliment me, but just not overly complementary so I take from this he's sincere when he says nice things, actually come to think of it that's his personality and nothing to do with me . I think I'm going a little hard on him and I shouldn't need constant validation about my appearance. It's needy and unattractive to be like that so I'm going to work on these issues. Thankfully I didn't bring up the porn issue with him and its not really an issue to begin with

LegacyUser

Anyway we were having a casual conversation about it a few weeks ago and he spoke about how he likes watching hot girls etc. I kind of felt a bit of a sting when he was talking about them but didn't say that to him. Didn't think too much of it at the time but lately the idea of him watching porn is starting to make me feel a little insecure.

To be honest I think this was the trigger flr you. You do not go into much detail about the exact conversation.??? Personally id be annoyed if bf started tellinf me about how he likes watching hot girls. In fact id prov have a ping like you did and be fuming. If he watches porn, yes a lot of guys probably do, okay, but why say that to you. I got probably over annoyed with an ex before who watched porn. We did have good sex life and all but I found dvds (haha before all eas available onlunr) in his player and watched it and he was basically trying to do something to me the night before that he had obviously watched from this porn video and it the tone in the porn video was lets just say a bit not the best and I just got weirded by this. It did piss me off. I let him know i was pissed off by it...coz im just type of person whp cannot let things fester. Anyway what maybe possibly you should do is tell him whats on your mind , dont let it fester in your mind, speak to him. All the best.

Just with the poster above, I've often tried things that I've seen happen in porn, much to the delight of my then-partners.

A lot of people say that it isn't real, but it is real (as in, they exist) people having real sex - some of the positions/scenarios/responses might be exaggerated. Use what you see and adapt it to your current circumstance/partner.

ChampagnePop

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Just with the poster above, I've often tried things that I've seen happen in porn, much to the delight of my then-partners.

A lot of people say that it isn't real, but it is real (as in, they exist) people having real sex - some of the positions/scenarios/responses might be exaggerated. Use what you see and adapt it to your current circumstance/partner.

They're actors acting, they're putting on a show, it is not real. Their responses are not just exaggerated but often faked, not real.

This thread isn't about defending porn, it's about the OP and her insecurities.

LegacyUser

Hey OP Glad to hear you've been able to work through some issues for yourself and your relationship. Hope it works out.

Anonfornow1 wrote: »

Hi OP here.
Thanks for all your feedback. After seeing other people's opinions it seems it is normal for guys or girls to watch porn. I actually looked some up out of curiousity and its quite different to what I imagined, it's quite cheesy and pretty obvious that these a fantasy and purely visual stimulants, completely different to what I expected....

Just on this OP it can be very cheesy and fake but there is some enjoyment to be found. Look up the webcomic Oh Joy Sex Toy - yes it's a comic but the couple who create it have some very insightful comments on watching porn as a couple. It may be something that you are never into but it never hurts to be open and give it a look.

retro:electro

Porn has come a long way from the old, woman washes car in bikini, make up-d to the eye balls fake nails and cheesy music playing loudly, and suddenly she's interrupted by a handsome stranger bla bla bla.. I mean, if you want to find something more realistic, you can. People now video themselves on webcams and upload it, that's real.
Yes, for the most part porn takes place in a studio with two good looking people with amazing bodies and exaggerated reactions; but there are real aspects to it as well concerning bodily fluids etc that can't be faked.
I wouldn't be too bothered about him saying he likes to watch hot girls op, people watch porn to watch attractive people having sex.

LegacyUser

The worry would be the amount that your boyfriend watches it. There was a whole thing a while back about the damaging effects of porn on the brain, a whole list I won't go into now, and also the ED effects. Factually if you're constantly looking at perfect bodies doing all kinds of things imagineable, reality wil not match up and whether you're aware of it or not you'll feel disaapointed and disconnected because you're viewing sex in terms of entertainment with no intimacy, and relief and real sex will just does not seem as much fun. In fact it will develop into a chore or something that will increase anxiety. All over the Internet were men trying the Nofap thing and really struggled, so it seemed there was an element to porn viewing that was highly compulsive and addictive, something women experienced far far less. That's the reality, men get highly addicted to it, and preferred it to sex. The sheer numbers of men that admitted that they were addicted was quite staggering. I think this is something that women might not understand, the level of addiction that men develop for it, where to even give up for a month is impossible. Men get very defensive about it. It's something that would be very hard for any guy to admit to his gf.
So in answer to your question porn viewing would not be a problem, it would be whether the guy is compulsively watching it and can't imagine stopping, and if they honestly would prefer it in any way to sex. Then I would worry and know that's not something I could live with or want to fix.