Boyfriends mother hates me

lolcats

Im really struggling with this. We are together two years, his mum and I got on great for the first year, and then she turned on me, to the point that I've had to block her numbers, block her email etc. I am not welcome in their house or anything close. She has done a number of vindictive things to me, which I cant really get into here. Its at the point where we are a serious couple, but I dont know how to go on. As long as I am with him, I will have to be attached to his mother. She is an extremly negative force in my life. Ive been to 12 weeks of counselling to attempt to deal with this, that is the extent of stress it has caused me. I cant take any more of her truly horrible ways, but I cant ask my partner to choose me or his mother. She truly hates me and has it out for me. How can the relationship work long term? Very interested to hear from anyone who was in a similar position and how things panned out. Talking to her is not an option.

Queen-Mise

You don't do anything about her. You are going out with her son and not her.

A good relationship with a potential mother in law would be ideal, but is not essential.

You keep any interactions with her to an absolute minimum. You are absolutely powerless over her actions/behaviours/etc.
You treat her with dignity and respect and get the fcuk out of any situation with her as soon as you possibly can.

Don't listen to anyone repeating what she has said/done. You don't listen to anything negative she has to say.

And the most important one of all. Your partner has to take your side. Therefore, don't make things more difficult for him by exacerbating, or reacting to anything said/or anything happening.

I'm jumping a few years here if you have kids he can bring them to see his mother. You don't have to go, sleep for the day, take the rest.

If he is going to spend time with his mam, then you spend the day with your female friends, or doing something else.

You are not obligated to spend time with her, and especially not to spend time with someone who dislikes you for whatever reason.


My mother in law is/was very nasty. Not as bad in recent years, but first ten years were nasty. I pass her, am polite, and that is it. I go into house a few times a year, for an hour and that's it.

I don't understand the logic of what they do, but that doesn't matter. I still have to deal with it.


It might be cold comfort, this is more than likely something got to do with them than you.

My brother's wife is a tad odd, in a million years my mother wouldn't say a word because she would be terrified of a falling out, my brother not being able to come home, and her not seeing grandkids.

This seems more like power plays over her son's affections. Don't get into the battles. If it is power plays, then behaviour was triggered by relationship becoming serious rather than anything you did or said.

Step away in every way - physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. She can't hurt or affect you, if you have little or no contact with her .

Sunflower 27

Queen-Mise wrote: »

You don't do anything about her. You are going out with her son and not her.

A good relationship with a potential mother in law would be ideal, but is not essential.

You keep any interactions with her to an absolute minimum. You are absolutely powerless over her actions/behaviours/etc.
You treat her with dignity and respect and get the fcuk out of any situation with her as soon as you possibly can.

Don't listen to anyone repeating what she has said/done. You don't listen to anything negative she has to say.

And the most important one of all. Your partner has to take your side. Therefore, don't make things more difficult for him by exacerbating, or reacting to anything said/or anything happening.

I'm jumping a few years here if you have kids he can bring them to see his mother. You don't have to go, sleep for the day, take the rest.

If he is going to spend time with his mam, then you spend the day with your female friends, or doing something else.

You are not obligated to spend time with her, and especially not to spend time with someone who dislikes you for whatever reason.


My mother in law is/was very nasty. Not as bad in recent years, but first ten years were nasty. I pass her, am polite, and that is it. I go into house a few times a year, for an hour and that's it.

I don't understand the logic of what they do, but that doesn't matter. I still have to deal with it.


It might be cold comfort, this is more than likely something got to do with them than you.

My brother's wife is a tad odd, in a million years my mother wouldn't say a word because she would be terrified of a falling out, my brother not being able to come home, and her not seeing grandkids.

This seems more like power plays over her son's affections. Don't get into the battles. If it is power plays, then behaviour was triggered by relationship becoming serious rather than anything you did or said.

Step away in every way - physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. She can't hurt or affect you, if you have little or no contact with her .

Wonderful post.

You don't say why the woman turned on you and if it is justifiable in her eyes to treat you this way. That added context may help (I don't mean reveal what if something happened).

Assuming your boyfriend knows how this is hurting you, then it's up to you to cut her out of your life. You do not have to see the woman and you don't have to hear about her.

This is a difficult situation for you, but it is one you can navigate.

You say you did 12 weeks of counselling. Can I ask what sort of therapy it was? Was it person-centred, where you mainly talked and a therapist listened, or was it CBT?

You can choose how you feel, although most people don't realise it. You can stop allowing this woman to have such a hold over your emotions. You cannot stop her behaviour, but you can decide to not let it impact on you in a negative way.

You be the adult here! If you want this relationship to work, you have to change the weight you are giving this woman. Is she really more important than your future with your partner?

Can I ask what his take on all this is?

lolcats

Queen-Mise wrote: »

And the most important one of all. Your partner has to take your side. Therefore, don't make things more difficult for him by exacerbating, or reacting to anything said

Thank you for your advice. This is the part I find the hardest. He says he takes my side but I'm not so sure he does. He still lives with his mam (both in our mid 20's) so he says he has to deal with her on a daily basis. He says 'but thats just my mam she says similar to me too', but at the end of the day she is not my mother and I shouldnt have to take abuse off her. Its causing a lot of problems between us. He is very poor at coping with emotional things and he shuts down, will ignore my messages and calls, and I get a text the next day telling me he cant deal with my reactions. I dont know how I am meant to react. This woman goes out of her way to be nasty to me. I dont have direct contact with her. For example this weekend she was away. My partner told me she said I'm welcome in the house. So I went there for the night, to see my partner. Late at night he gets a text 'get her out of my house now', she had someone spying on the house to check if my car was there. I had to stay in a hotel as it was too late to make the journey home. What kind of person chucks someone from their house late in the night knowing it is dangerous driving conditions etc. Words fail me on how this made me feel.
I wont be going anywhere near their house again irrespective of what my partner says. I cant put myself in that firing line again. He wont move out (claims financial reasons hold him back when he has far far more money than i do, he just cant manage it). I am afraid he will let slip to her or she will follow him to my new house or find out where I now work. She is vindictive and I'm not sure what she is capable of but I dont want her knowing those things about me. Eventually she will find out and that scares me.

I dont get much support from my partner about it. Perhaps I need to change my reaction. I find it difficult to not call her names etc. Any idea how best to handle it?

ManOfMystery

I've only two things to say really.

First off, what Queen-Mise posted is spot on. Reduce your involvement and interaction with this woman to the absolute minimum that you have to endure. Don't engage with her. Don't stay in her house, even if she's not there. If she says something nasty, switch off and ignore it. Think of her as nothing more than a squawking crow in the background, and don't let yourself get riled up by stuff coming out of her mouth - that's her intention; she wants to get a rise out of you. What she says is meaningless, and said specifically to annoy you. The more annoyed you get, the harder the situation becomes. Just let it wash over you.

Secondly, your partner needs to grow a set of balls. I'm sure he has many good qualities (or you wouldn't be with them), but it seems a backbone is not one of them. This probably stems from living at home, being under his mother's thumb and he is probably as terrified of her outbursts, as you are annoyed by them. I would never in a million years let my mother or father speak to someone I love in such a spiteful manner, particularly if it was totally unjustified.

You say you can't ask your partner to choose between his mother or you - you don't have to, because it's clear he's already made a choice. He buries his head in the sand, won't stand up to her or call her out on her obnoxious behaviour, ignores you when you understandably remonstrate about what's happening, and refuses to assert himself. He is choosing to let you suffer, rather than rock the boat at home and make things difficult for himself.

To be honest, if I was in a similar situation with a partner who wouldn't stand up for me, it would be a dealbreaker. It's time to tell him he has to decide whether he wants to be a mature and responsible adult who can defend his own relationship choices, or continue being a browbeaten mammy's boy into his 30s and beyond. Being poor at coping with emotional reactions does not make him blind to what is going on around him.

lolcats

Sunflower 27 wrote: »

Wonderful post.

You don't say why the woman turned on you and if it is justifiable in her eyes to treat you this way. That added context may help (I don't mean reveal what if something happened).

Assuming your boyfriend knows how this is hurting you, then it's up to you to cut her out of your life. You do not have to see the woman and you don't have to hear about her.

This is a difficult situation for you, but it is one you can navigate.

You say you did 12 weeks of counselling. Can I ask what sort of therapy it was? Was it person-centred, where you mainly talked and a therapist listened, or was it CBT?

You can choose how you feel, although most people don't realise it. You can stop allowing this woman to have such a hold over your emotions. You cannot stop her behaviour, but you can decide to not let it impact on you in a negative way.

You be the adult here! If you want this relationship to work, you have to change the weight you are giving this woman. Is she really more important than your future with your partner?

Can I ask what his take on all this is?

Thanks for your post. It happened gradually. She told my partner I was using him and he needed to be careful, that was the start of it. It progressed from there to nasty texts, ignoring me in her house and making me feel unwelcome, to calling my work and complaining about me, threatening type emails to the situation outlined in my last post.

The counselling was humanistic, not cbt. I found it very helpful during an extremly stressful time and I am going again this week. Hopefully it will give me some tools to process this new episode. I find it very difficult to not let her impact me negatively. Any tips to help with this. My future with my partner is more important, but being honest this woman has put me through hell and I cant live my life with such a strong negative force. Its to the point where I am seriously considering if I can handle this for years to come. I cant do it.
His take is to get defensive and offer little support, says he's heard it all before from me and cant deal with emotional texts and constant nagging. His idea of constant nagging is getting a text from me telling him he needs to be with me not against me.
I have repeatedly asked him to go to couples counselling and he refuses, as he is a private person. He would be very upset to know I have posted online. He doesnt want me talking to my friends about it either as he said its his business. But I need some support. Its affecting me badly.
Any input appreciated.

ellie1

"I dont get much support from my partner about it. Perhaps I need to change my reaction. I find it difficult to not call her names etc. Any idea how best to handle it?"

All of above is an issue.

Your partner isn't supportive and maybe never will be. It's his mother, he is used to it, he won't move out and ignores your texts and phone calls!! What? Did he stay in the hotel with you? Why would he invite you there knowing she may react badly? Why would you go there in light of how you have said she has treated you?

Are you bombarding him with texts and phone calls?

You totally need to change your reaction. You can't go around calling someone's mam names etc... That's his mother , come on!!

This is like some competition over some man who appears to play one of ye off each ?!

Story Bud?

Ah here.

He got a text in the middle of the night for you to leave and he actually let you leave? Are you serious? The way you phrase it sounds like he didn't even go stay with you in the hotel!

He's in his mid 20s. He'd want to cop the hell on. You've said yourself he gives you no support - but you've had to actually have counselling because of it.

Honestly, I know there's more to it than just two posts but I'm thinking you should get the hell out of that relationship.

ManOfMystery

lolcats wrote: »

I have repeatedly asked him to go to couples counselling and he refuses, as he is a private person. He would be very upset to know I have posted online. He doesnt want me talking to my friends about it either as he said its his business. But I need some support. Its affecting me badly.
Any input appreciated.

He likely doesn't want you talking to friends because he knows the response will be similar to what you're getting here - his mother will be called an obnoxious witch (which she is), and he will be told to get a backbone.

As it is, he will let this situation continue indefinitely. What catalyst is there for him to get off his backside and actually change things? Nothing. Unless you make it happen.

daisybelle2008

lolcats wrote: »

I have repeatedly asked him to go to couples counselling and he refuses, as he is a private person. He would be very upset to know I have posted online. He doesnt want me talking to my friends about it either as he said its his business. But I need some support. Its affecting me badly.
Any input appreciated.

OP, you are only in your mid twenties and dating this guy a couple of years, this is not a relationship I'd bother investing in further. It seems to be very dysfunctional. You are better off out of it that trying to change him. Can't believe he kicked you out of the house in the middle of the night :cool:.
I'd be given both of them a wide berth instead of going to battle with the mum for his attention. He seems to be more than happy to sit on the fence. The fact he told you he is just like her is massive warning bells. I'd bail immediately it is only getting worse., and it sounds horrible as it is.

lolcats

ellie1 wrote: »

"I dont get much support from my partner about it. Perhaps I need to change my reaction. I find it difficult to not call her names etc. Any idea how best to handle it?"

All of above is an issue.

Your partner isn't supportive and maybe never will be. It's his mother, he is used to it, he won't move out and ignores your texts and phone calls!! What? Did he stay in the hotel with you? Why would he invite you there knowing she may react badly? Why would you go there in light of how you have said she has treated you?

Are you bombarding him with texts and phone calls?

You totally need to change your reaction. You can't go around calling someone's mam names etc... That's his mother , come on!!

This is like some competition over some man who appears to play one of ye off each ?!

Thanks for your post. He came with me to the hotel. I stayed in his mothers house because we had no where else to stay together that night and he told me his mother said I was welcome. I took his word for it. I shouldnt have gone there. No bombarding, two short texts and a phone call. No play off, he is caught in the middle I suppose and he doesnt know how to handle it. I cant change him or his mother only my response and how I handle things, hence why I posted for advice.

dudara

lolcats wrote: »

For example this weekend she was away. My partner told me she said I'm welcome in the house. So I went there for the night, to see my partner. Late at night he gets a text 'get her out of my house now', she had someone spying on the house to check if my car was there. I had to stay in a hotel as it was too late to make the journey home.

lolcats wrote:

I dont get much support from my partner about it

To be honest, I think your partner's reaction is a bigger issue than his mother. Why on God's earth did you get turfed out of the house when she wasn't even there! It's clearly demonstrated where you stand in the pecking order of his affections.

I really would be having a very serious chat with him about the future of your relationship.

lolcats

Story Bud? wrote: »

Ah here.

He got a text in the middle of the night for you to leave and he actually let you leave? Are you serious? The way you phrase it sounds like he didn't even go stay with you in the hotel!

He's in his mid 20s. He'd want to cop the hell on. You've said yourself he gives you no support - but you've had to actually have counselling because of it.

Honestly, I know there's more to it than just two posts but I'm thinking you should get the hell out of that relationship.

Thanks for your post. He came with me to the hotel. Its a difficult situation. My friends say Im fighting a loosing battle. Its hard when you really love someone.

batmanrobin

She called your place of work?!!! WTF? What was your bf's response to that?

She's a nightmare and he doesn't support you, defend you and calls you a nag.

This is affecting you to the point of needing therapy.

Exit stage left before you are ground down by these two. You've only had a taste of what's to come. Imagine the next 20/30/40 years of this.

If he is not willing to stand up to her on your behalf and if he is not wiling to talk things out then I don't see how you can have a future with him. Not a happy one anyway.

Story Bud?

How can you really love someone who doesn't support you, who won't move in with you, and calls you a nag when you complain about someone who is making your life hell?

ellie1

lolcats wrote: »

Thanks for your post. He came with me to the hotel. I stayed in his mothers house because we had no where else to stay together that night and he told me his mother said I was welcome. I took his word for it. I shouldnt have gone there. No bombarding, two short texts and a phone call. No play off, he is caught in the middle I suppose and he doesnt know how to handle it. I cant change him or his mother only my response and how I handle things, hence why I posted for advice.

I think you should take some time for yourself, a weekend and talk to your friends. You are being left to deal with not only his mam who appears to be just weird and a man who will not support you in dealing with this.

Make some agreement with yourself not to phone him or text him anything about his mother. Never go to her house again. Never bring her up in conversation. Ask him not to tell you anything she says about you. Get a journal and write whatever you like about her and never tell him. Stop asking him to go to couples counselling, don't ask him to say this that and the other to his mother, don't ask him to take your side and stand against her. Just pretend she doesn't exist. That's it. Write it all down , take it out your back garden and burn it and at that moment , never give that women another thought, another bit of your soul, dignity or time. Quite simply, pretend she is dead. Harsh and affective way of dealing with toxic people.

Story Bud?

ellie1 wrote: »

pretend she is dead.

It's all fine doing this now.

But what happens when you do eventually agree to move in together?

What happens if you do decide to get married? Will she be invited to the wedding? will there be fights and falling outs when you say she's not welcome in your house or at your wedding?

What happens when if you decide to have children? Will she be allowed to visit her newborn grandchild in your home?

This is having an affect on your mental health. It's only going to get worse as you get deeper into this relationship.

Queen-Mise

Hey

First thing. I'd tell you to run from the relationship if you both weren't so young. Your OH's youth gives him some leeway. My husband was in his 30s before he really began to be able to deal with his mother's games (or sh*te).

I'd imagine your partner is going to try every trick in the book not to stand up to his mother and Call her out on her behaviour.

From my experience in this the first step is you not accepting 'ball' less behaviour, as another poster said, he needs to grow a pair. You need to learn the knack of saying clearly and succinctly what is unacceptable.

The position he put you in was unacceptable on Saturday. Your counsellor will help you with this.

Your partner won't be able to hear criticism of his mother. So the issue with sat, was his lie put you on the street in the middle of the night.

Banish his mother from all your conversations.

lolcats

dudara wrote: »

To be honest, I think your partner's reaction is a bigger issue than his mother. Why on God's earth did you get turfed out of the house when she wasn't even there! It's clearly demonstrated where you stand in the pecking order of his affections.

I really would be having a very serious chat with him about the future of your relationship.

There was a subsequent text that said something along the lines of "if she is not gone by midnight I am coming home". We both left. I did not want to put myself in a situation to be shouted abuse at and turfed out by her in person. Even if he had asked me to stay I wouldn't have left myself open to that situation unfolding.

He has circumstances that make it difficult to move out and he is afraid she will kick him out anyway this evening over this. I do think he is trying his best.

dudara

lolcats wrote: »

I do think he is trying his best.

I beg to differ. He is young, so perhaps not mature enough to try to deal with this. But this is not his best.

I won't tell you to stay or go, but I will tell you that (1) you need to weigh up everything, (2) have a serious conversation with him and (3) make up your mind if this is worth continuing with.

Queen-Mise

Oh something else I forgot to say.

Don't underestimate how tough this situation is. But OP you are doing all the right things. The counselling will help, some great tips given here.

What I will say, handle this right now with your OH and his mam, it will become easy in the future.

wirelessdude01

OP, I have a quick question for you. What exactly are you getting from this relationship? You need to actually sit down in an old fashioned way and write a list of pros and cons. Once someone starts impacting on your work, which she has done then what comes next? Damage to your car, to yourself. Sound like his mammy is very unstable and if it were me and I was in my mid 20's I'd be looking to actually enjoy my life with someone who came with less baggage. Personally I would be gone. No one needs to voluntarily put themselves in that sort of situation.

batmanrobin

lolcats wrote: »

There was a subsequent text that said something along the lines of "if she is not gone by midnight I am coming home". We both left. I did not want to put myself in a situation to be shouted abuse at and turfed out by her in person. Even if he had asked me to stay I wouldn't have left myself open to that situation unfolding.

He has circumstances that make it difficult to move out and he is afraid she will kick him out anyway this evening over this. I do think he is trying his best.

He is not doing his best. His response is to say he's heard it all before. He might as well just stick his head in the sand. Ridiculous!

The very first hint of any of this was when he should have sat her down and explained to her that her behaviour was 100% out of order and it would not be tolerated. That would be him doing his best.

Did you tell him she called your place of employment? What was his response to her deliberately trying to jeopardise your job?

Jed and Dave

Story Bud? wrote: »

How can you really love someone who doesn't support you, who won't move in with you, and calls you a nag when you complain about someone who is making your life hell?

This OP
no wonder you feel like your going mad- your not mad you deserve a partner that looks out for you.

Sapphire

There is very little you can do here. It is ALL down to him.

He invited you over knowing how his mother feels about you. Even if she didn't have someone spying she would guess the minute she came home that someone stayed over.

He could stand up to his mother. Or move out. Or calmly walk away when she starts mouthing off about you. Or given her hell for threatening your employment. Why would you even set foot in her house? Don't from now on. If he wants to see you, he can book a hotel room or visit you.

Sounds to me that he likes the drama of two women battling it out over him. Like StoryBud? says, you think this is bad now, wait until you own your own home with him, and he gives her a key and she comes and goes whenever she likes. Or when you have children and she deliberately feeds them chocolate too young in a calculated attempt to undermine you.

If he wont step up, you really need to consider stepping away.

tcif

lolcats wrote: »

His take is to get defensive and offer little support, says he's heard it all before from me and cant deal with emotional texts and constant nagging. His idea of constant nagging is getting a text from me telling him he needs to be with me not against me.
I have repeatedly asked him to go to couples counselling and he refuses, as he is a private person. He would be very upset to know I have posted online. He doesnt want me talking to my friends about it either as he said its his business. But I need some support. Its affecting me badly.
Any input appreciated.

I think he's completely let you down in not supporting you here but can I ask, what is he like in other respects when things get tough? You seem to see a future with him but his willingness to see you go through so much and not try to be there for you rings lots of alarm bells, IMO, as does his unwillingness to be open and communicate to try to resolve this.

How does this bode for the other things in life that you will need to confront together, as all couples do? If he sees a future with you he has to be willing to step up to the plate for you.

silverharp

Sapphire wrote: »

There is very little you can do here. It is ALL down to him.

He invited you over knowing how his mother feels about you. Even if she didn't have someone spying she would guess the minute she came home that someone stayed over.

He could stand up to his mother. Or move out. Or calmly walk away when she starts mouthing off about you. Or given her hell for threatening your employment. Why would you even set foot in her house? Don't from now on. If he wants to see you, he can book a hotel room or visit you.

Sounds to me that he likes the drama of two women battling it out over him. Like StoryBud? says, you think this is bad now, wait until you own your own home with him, and he gives her a key and she comes and goes whenever she likes. Or when you have children and she deliberately feeds them chocolate too young in a calculated attempt to undermine you.

If he wont step up, you really need to consider stepping away.

I cant relate to what you think his motivation is here , on average men tend to prefer less drama than more , there is a reason we don't like watching soap operas :pac: the one expression that came to me when I read the OP was that the lad sounds like the type of guy "that would be out of his depth in a puddle". I don't think I have ever met someone that is that passive to stuff going on around them.

OP find a way to shake it up a bit or move on

Sapphire

silverharp wrote: »

I cant relate to what you think his motivation is here , on average men tend to prefer less drama than more , there is a reason we don't like watching soap operas :pac: the one expression that came to me when I read the OP was that the lad sounds like the type of guy "that would be out of his depth in a puddle". I don't think I have ever met someone that is that passive to stuff going on around them.

OP find a way to shake it up a bit or move on

I wasn't talking about what men on average like to do because I'm pretty sure they are all different. I said it sounds like this guy enjoys the drama of it.

lolcats

Thanks for all the responses. He really doesnt like the drama of it at all. He doesnt know how to handle the situation. Ive told him many times before that he needs to stick up for me. The last time he tried, he asked her to sort things out with me (about 8 months ago). She text me saying she will not pussy foot around me, I am a drama maker, I need to get over myself etc. He agreed it was a bad response but said thats just how his mam talks and that she didnt actually mean any of it.

I dont think there is any realway of sorting out how his mother is with me, but rather how I deal with it, if I want a future with him. As it stands she would not be welcome anywhere near my home or my my future children and my partner knows that. I told him she can look forward to missing her sons wedding etc if she carries on down this path. I very much doubt he will ever say that to her.

I am moving to a new job close to where he works so I am hoping seeing him more will give me a better idea of if it can work long term. I think he needs to be given an ultimatum though - he could save up and move out, where there is a will there is a way. Do I give him a deadline? How do I approach it?

Typically with issues in ths relationship he is much the same, bury his head in the sand, express when really pushed that he feels sad/angry/frustrated but he doesnt try to come up with a solution or listen to mine. Its a major issue on top of things with his mother. I guess I'm trying to look at it like, we can hopefully sort the other issues but the real deal breaker is the mother and how he doesnt seem to stand up for me. He says he does but surely if he did she would have stopped by now?
Latest news is she wants to meet me face to face. Not a hope of that happening unless there was an independant third party there. The thoughts of even hearing her voice scares me.

I'm still with him because we do have a good relationship, he does a lot for me in other areas, and I love him to bits. Ive been in several serious relationships (been engaged before) and I would have never stuck around if I was being treated like that by a partners parent. He should have stuck up for me from day one. But instead he said its just how his mam is.

His plan is for us to get a place together eventually. I just dont know how to get him to stick up for me. I think he could be afraid to as she is the type to kick him out on the street.

It just gets worse doesnt it.

batmanrobin

See, when he said she needs to sort things with you - that was a bad way to go about it as he is putting you in her crosshairs. What he should have said was that she was not to behave the way she was to you ever again. She is his mother. It's not for you to sort out. It's for him to sort her out.

If he was standing up for you and supporting you then I'd be saying forget about her and the two of you just get on with your relationship. However, given that you are getting no support for him... I dunno, if it was me I'd be gone.

You say she wouldn't be welcome in your home or near your kids but if he's as weak willed now, I can't see that changing and I could see him totally going against your wishes.

Think long and hard about whether this man who does not have your back is really worth it.

If you're in a relationship where you feel you have to give ultimatums, then it's an unhealthy relationship.

December2012

This needs to stop being a factor NOW.

Stop talking about his mother. He is not to tell you anything she says or does, even if it's not about you.

Don't go to her house. Meet at yours.

Why give her any power or influence?

Block her in every way.

tcif

lolcats wrote: »

Typically with issues in ths relationship he is much the same, bury his head in the sand, express when really pushed that he feels sad/angry/frustrated but he doesnt try to come up with a solution or listen to mine.

I know the problems with his mother overshadows everything else right now but please don't overlook this if you're thinking with a future with this man. There'll always be hard times in life - bereavements, illness, job or money worries etc. - and it's important to have someone who stands shoulder to shoulder with you and helps get you both through it. One person with their head in the sand leaves a heavy load for the other to carry alone.

Ursus Horribilis

I have to say your boyfriend is coming across as a very weak, somewhat spine less person in all of this. He probably can't help it - he was reared by this woman after all. But unless he learns to put you first and to protect you from his mother, you're in for a bumpy ride. She's like a third wheel in your relationship and that's unacceptable. I may be wrong on this but I can see it taking a long long time before he moves out from home....

elefant

It's bizarrely spineless behaviour from your boyfriend. Stop making excuses from him; he's pathetically letting her trample you.

The idea of letting my mother bully my girlfriend into counselling, and for me to then tell her there's nothing I can do and that's just the way she is? It sounds awful for you. My advice would be that he needs to decide who he wants to defend: her and her being 'just the way she is', or you.

tincow

Hi OP,

Had to sign up to boards especially for this!

Been there, done that and worn the tshirt although my MIL wasn't so vindictive but made life very very difficult. My bf also buried his head and was too afraid to address the issue with her. I was always walking on egg shells around her waiting for the next explosion.

One thing that stuck out for me is that you said everything was fine for the first year and then she changed. If you didn't do anything to provoke it and she just changed then the next paragraph might be of interest.

The longer our relationship got, the worse my MIL got. Initially i used to fight back via my bf but that just put him in the middle and he buried his head even further. It was easier all round to completely cut myself off from her, not to mention her, not to hear anything about her until things cooled and that made life easier. After years of on and off battles with her, i took the bull by the horns and I spoke to her in a calm and civil manner and she did the same. I told her that if things continued in the same way that i would continue to cut myself off and she would find that she wouldn't be able to visit etc because of the situation. It wasn't a threat, it was a reality check. She said she didn't want things to be like that and wanted to be part of our lives. Once we had established that it wasn't the future she wanted, i asked her to be honest with me and to tell me what the problem was. She said she didn't want to lose him. So that was the root of the problem, she had empty nest syndrome. I spent years thinking that she hated me which in fact was the complete opposite. She just vented her emotions directly at me because she didn't want to lose him. She still throws a few wobblers but now I just nip it in the bud by saying things are good, lets keep it that way and that stops it there and then.

Things to ask yourself
Did you honestly do or say anything to upset or annoy her?
Is she going through the menopause? It might explain a change in behavior.
Could empty nest syndrome be possible?

If I were you, i wouldn't go near her home. I wouldn't speak about her or listen to anything about her. Your boyfriend is burying his head because he doesn't know what to do. It might come across as uninterested but its because he hasn't got a clue and its easier to just hide. The more pressure that is put on him from both sides, the more he will hide. Hence why if you cut yourself off from her then she doesn't have any ammunition against you so things should turn peaceful. If she wants to discuss it with you, then i would but it can be done over the phone. Only agree to it if she will speak to you in a mature and civil manner and you must behave in the same manner. If she doesn't remain calm, don't engage in a battle but tell her that you will speak to her another time. It is really important that you remain calm and be a mature adult even if she isn't acting like one. I suspect that it is empty nest syndrome so reassure her that you love her son and that you would bend over backwards for him. Tell her you would like for it to be like year 1 and that you would like for her to be part of your life so that your boyfriend and her son isn't caught in any crossfire. She won't want to upset her son so in a roundabout way always bring it back to the effect it is having on him. Apologise for anything you may have done or said to upset her (even if you didn't). You can say all of that through gritted teeth and not mean a word of it but trust me, in the long run that conversation will be easier than a life of stress or misery.

Finally, if resolved, keep her at arms length and only entertain her when necessary i.e. if you are invited over or at a family function. It seems like an impossible task but trust me when i say it is easier to bite the bullet and try to repair it rather than live a life of misery.

Best of luck!

Ignatius in bloom

If you stand face to face with bullies and look them in the eyes and ask to resolve issues they usually back down very quickly and treat you with respect if not love in the future.

Its a very messy situation when dealing with a significants others parent/s when all is not rosy and even if your BF put his mother in her place then that could lead to a life of a parent and child not on speaking terms and your will be blamed by the mother and eventually by your SO. You are both adults and its probably better if you confront this head on with the person who is causing you all this grief. Look at it as no differently as if you had a problem with a work colleague.