Broke up and still living together for the sake of kids...

Notsomindful

Hi, apologies if it gets confusing.

Myself and my ex were together for 10 years. Broke up due to him not being able to handle.my mental health issues. I was in hospital for nearly 4 months last year. He told me while I was in hospital, that he wanted a get out clause if I got unwell, so we went our separate ways.

Our two boys stayed with him. After discharge, I lived with my grandmother ( quite close to kids).
After a year of being apart, he wanted us to be a couple again so I moved back in.

Things are strained between us. Constant tension and its not helping either of us.
We had a chat about where we stand. He doenst think he can be with me as a couple . i prefer knowing where we stand.

Very little intimacy between us.

We decided to stay living together. I told him I would move into box room. He then freaked out as i had personalised box room by adding my duvet and crotchet stuff. He then wants me to stay sleeping in front bedroom with him and claims I manipulated him.by having the discussion about our relationship with him.

Its reaching breaking point. He wants a google calendar of my appointment so he knows whats going on in my life. I moved back into bedroom with him but dont know why he wants me back there. He gets annoyed when I take my night time prescribed meds as I cant wake up to kids( they rarely wake)

There is a lot of other issues going on in my family that is impacting on my mental health so going back to grandmother's isn't an option. I cant afford to move out - well somewhere where I can have access to kids.
Feeling fairly alone.

I am being blamed for all issues in relationship over my mental health issues. I am willing to take 80% of blame but not 100%. He is not willing to go to family therapy privately. We got an appointment with a therapist he is willing to work with but he cant commit over work.

Terrontress

That's really sad. You're not well. Would he do the same if you had broken a leg or been in a car accident?

Notsomindful

Terrontress wrote: »

That's really sad. You're not well. Would he do the same if you had broken a leg or been in a car accident?

I doubt it. He seems really resentful of me and doesn't think I am worthy of conversation unless I have something positive to say.
He is also starting a new job and told me "not to sabotage it" for him.
I dont say whats really bringing me down as i worry it will impact on his life rather than worrying about my own health.

Notsomindful

We stopped the process of taking my name off deeds of our house. I asked him to start it again.
Sick to death of it. Its bringing me down, i am scared of disclosing how i am in myself in case it impact s on his life giving him more to blame.

Apparently i am.a horrible person for asking the last time he emptied the kitchen bin.

I admit I caused trouble but its not fair to be treated this way

Alf Veedersane

While I appreciate I can't understand how it must be to be in your position, the question is the situation as it is now better for the kids?

And expanding it out, is it better for them AND you overall?

I can't imagine it would be but that's just the view of someone who has never had the misfortune to be in your position.

I can only hope a resolution happens soon that works for you and your kids and allows you to be in a better place mentally/emotionally.

FWIW, his treatment of you is disgusting based on what you've said.

Notsomindful

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

While I appreciate I can't understand how it must be to be in your position, the question is the situation as it is now better for the kids?

And expanding it out, is it better for them AND you overall?

I can't imagine it would be but that's just the view of someone who has never had the misfortune to be in your position.

I can only hope a resolution happens soon that works for you and your kids and allows you to be in a better place mentally/emotionally.

FWIW, his treatment of you is disgusting based on what you've said.

Thanks for replying. I need somewhere to live where i can take kids over night. Have no chance of that any time soon. He is controlling. Im not perfect but I try my hardest. I am sorry I decided to come back to relationship. I made my bed I suppose.

Ironic thing is he kicked up a fuss about me moving rooms yesterday and now doesnt want me sleeping in his bed so it's the sofa for me for now on.. I am accepting of my faults but he cant blame me for getting ill. I dont know what to do
I give up.

December2012

Have you been to see a marriage counsellor? You really should if you can

athtrasna

OP that sounds like an abusive relationship to me. He is very controlling and seriously undermining any confidence you have. I would forget the marriage counsellor and be making contact with womensaid.ie for help to get out. He may not be touching you but he's certainly abusing you. That's not good for you or your children.

Alf Veedersane

Notsomindful wrote: »

Ironic thing is he kicked up a fuss about me moving rooms yesterday and now doesnt want me sleeping in his bed so it's the sofa for me for now on.. I am accepting of my faults but he cant blame me for getting ill. I dont know what to do
I give up.

So, what, you can't have the box room but you can move into his room but now you can't be in his room so it's only the sofa? Not the box room?

And a Google Calendar?

Abuse with a capital 'A'. There's no way this is the best solution. I'd urge you to find any alternative arrangement because as it stands, it's pushing you to your limit and that's not good for either you or your kids.

You need to get away from him for your own sake and think about being the mother you want to be for your kids away from him.

m'lady

From what you have described OP, this is more like an abusive situation than you seem to think. This 'man' is, in your words controlling, and he's now dictating to where you sleep? He doesn't seem to care about your health issues at all, your the mother of his children and you deserve a lot more, also I'm sure the children are picking up on the strained environment?

I know it's easier said that done but I would be seriously considering your living situation before he drags you down further.

Notsomindful

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

So, what, you can't have the box room but you can move into his room but now you can't be in his room so it's only the sofa? Not the box room?

And a Google Calendar?

Abuse with a capital 'A'. There's no way this is the best solution. I'd urge you to find any alternative arrangement because as it stands, it's pushing you to your limit and that's not good for either you or your kids.

You need to get away from him for your own sake and think about being the mother you want to be for your kids away from him.

Thing is he is great with kids.
I need to get back on level- but no funds to move to some where suitable for me to have .my own space for kids.
I am fairly annoyed at myself for going back to him tbh.

Notsomindful

December2012 wrote: »

Have you been to see a marriage counsellor? You really should if you can

Ya been to family therapist in past. Wanted to go private but he preferred to wait to be referred to a particular one. We got appointment slot but its during work hours so he cant make it. Opposite sides of city

Toots

Would you be able to get to a therapist on your own?

Notsomindful

Thanks for your replies. Its appreciated

Notsomindful

Toots wrote: »

Would you be able to get to a therapist on your own?

I would but that's part of problem. I attend therapy to deal with my own issues, if he doesnt attend too and try see that two of us are in relationship, i can't see it helping

Notsomindful

In regards to google.calendar, he couldnt understand why I was reluctant to.start one.

Jenneke87

I feel sorry for you. As someone who has suffered from mental health problems(depression, suicidal thoughts, difficult to keep emotions under control sometimes) he's so not being helpful to you right now. Mental health issues are (extremely) difficult to deal with, for both the person suffering from them and their inner circle. Seriously, he gets upset when you take your medication? What would he want you to do, not take them instead and have you suffer more for it? The logic is lost on me.

Just as with any illness, support is vital and he's not giving any. You're at a point right now where you put his reaction, emotions and opinions first instead of your own wellbeing. I understand that you may have caused trouble, but that should not be held against you forever I believe, if you are actively taking steps to improve yourself and your mental health and he should be proud of you for that and stand by you, not keeping track of your appointments, get upset when you take medication and ban you to sleep on the sofa.

Could you go stay with a relative to get some time to yourself? Do you work so you can safe towards a deposit to get your own place.

You really deserve better than this, please take some time to think about this. Don't let this man destroy all your confidence and hard work.

Notsomindful

Thanks. i dont know what to do.
Dont have anyone with spare room I could ask really.
My uncle is using my bed in my grans.
Not working full time so hard to save.

Jenneke87

If you were to save as little as 20,- will get you there, but you have to do something, or everything will stay as it is. Could you take out a small loan to get you a place to set up, hell, even sleeping on a matras in someone elses living room will give you more peace of mind than were you currently are.

If you could choose, regardless of circumstance to stay or go, what would you go? You answer will tell you what to do next. And once you do, you need to start acting on it, one step at a time. You've already managed to tackle a difficult situation in your life, so you can do it again if you decide to leave. Wishing you all the best.

Alf Veedersane

Notsomindful wrote: »

Thing is he is great with kids.
I need to get back on level- but no funds to move to some where suitable for me to have .my own space for kids.
I am fairly annoyed at myself for going back to him tbh.

He may be good with kids but being with him will just drag you down and net effect of living with him is worse for the kids.

Exhaust every possibility of finding somewhere to stay.

Notsomindful

Thanks for all replies. Still all wrong. Need to move out but no money.

Emme

athtrasna wrote: »

OP that sounds like an abusive relationship to me. He is very controlling and seriously undermining any confidence you have. I would forget the marriage counsellor and be making contact with womensaid.ie for help to get out. He may not be touching you but he's certainly abusing you. That's not good for you or your children.

I agree 100% with this. The OP's husband is being emotionally abusive and is basically kicking her as hard as he can while she is down (metaphorically). He might as well be doing it physically for the effect it is having on her.

OP if you can go to the Women's Aid website and check out this link:

https://www.womensaid.ie/help/domesticviolence.html

It would be good to talk to their helpline and they might be able to advise you on options to move out.

Notsomindful wrote: »

We stopped the process of taking my name off deeds of our house. I asked him to start it again.
Sick to death of it. Its bringing me down, i am scared of disclosing how i am in myself in case it impact s on his life giving him more to blame.

Apparently i am.a horrible person for asking the last time he emptied the kitchen bin.

I admit I caused trouble but its not fair to be treated this way

He's complaining because you asked him to empty the kitchen bin???:eek:

I wonder if your husband's controlling behaviour has contributed to your breakdown. It wouldn't surprise me if it has.

DON'T let him take your name off the deeds of the house until you get legal advice.

Notsomindful

Thanks guys. Going to solicitor to ask what am I entitled to in regards to house. He won't even respond to my texts today asking how kids are....
Silent treat ment is great fun.
I think he may have had a part to play in my lack of recovery.
I am worthy of being treated better

nikkibikki

Are ye married OP? If so, he vowed to love you in sickness and in health. He is the one making things difficult by the looks of it. The bedroom situation is ridiculous. The silent treatment is childish. Don't leave the family home and don't allow your name to be taken off the deeds would be my advice. Def get legal advice and have a chat with womens aid.

Notsomindful

Not married