Am I Being Unfair

LegacyUser

A few years ago, one of my friends had a miscarriage. She was in her mid thirties and they desperately wanted to start a family. It was a huge loss to her and it was very sad. She was extremely fit and healthy and talked about trying again. She went to counseling.

We noticed a change in her immediately but put it down to what happened. The thing is, a few years on I have had enough of her and her behavior but people keep excusing it on the miscarriage. I suppose I want to know if I am being too harsh or not.

A few months after the miscarriage, she became distant...would arrange to meet for lunch and not show up, etc. There was a lot of odd behavior but we didn't pay too much attention to it. One evening her husband called all of us looking for her because she had dramatically left work hours earlier and wouldn't answer her phone. She was found, apparently contemplating suicide. The reason for this is because she was having an affair with a colleague who was married with kids. His wife confronted both of them in the carpark at work.

She changed jobs, her husband blamed it on the miscarriage, himself...anyway, she started competing in a sport that she had been active in for years. She grew very close to a male team member and again, there was an affair. Same **** as before, husband blaming himself. When she started competing, she got very full of herself and everything started to be about that and she would say that we didn't understand anything because we weren't competitive athletes.

One of the girls had a miscarriage herself and felt completely unable to tell the first girl. She just felt that she was suffering so much that she her own pain and loss paled in comparison.

Another girl is now pregnant and feels that she is betraying her. I feel that this **** has been going on too long and that we need to stop wrapping her in cotton wool. I actually don't think that you can indefinitely use a miscarriage as an excuse for all kinds of bad behavior. I don't know if I am wrong or not though. She has morphed into a completely different person. I would never choose to be friends with her now.

nikkibikki

Her poor husband. She has treated him appallingly.

Is she herself actually using the miscarriage as an excuse for this behaviour? It may be the reason she is acting this way but to me, it's certainly no excuse for it. I've not had one myself but people close to me have and they don't act like this. I wouldn't expect anyone to ever fully "get over" the loss of a child. Maybe her way of dealing with it is this self destructive behaviour.

Again, it's not an excuse for her treatment of people. Only she can help herself. Ye need to look after ye're own mental health. Your friend should be happy to share her good news not feeling like she betrayed her somehow.

Maybe this is just the person she is now. Maybe it's nothing to do with the miscarriage. Then, it's up to you what you put up with. Hope her husband has a decent support system in place coz it sounds like the poor man is a tortured soul. It was his baby too. And now his wife has played away twice and he's blaming himself.

Pawwed Rig

Everyone has bad events happen in their lives. It is called living. Your 'friend' however just sounds like a selfish self centered arse. I cut people like that out of my life. Hopefully her poor husband cops on soon and asks her to leave.

ahnow

I probably wouldn't stand by a friend that repeatedly cheats on their partner, but I would just distance myself from her, and if discussion came around to her I'd keep it to a minimum. It sounds like you're not really friends with this person any more, but that you are all in the same friend group? From what you've said you want the other girls in the group to feel the same way that you feel about it and in a sense gang up on her. Which is really just bringing things down to a juvenile level. If you don't want to be friends with her, yes you are totally justified. But bringing other people into it is not nice in my opinion. Yes, you don't like her actions, probably a lot of people wouldn't. But why bother calling her on it with a group of other grown women? If you want to support your friend who is pregnant, and your other friend who miscarried you can do that without gossiping, bitching or even thinking about this other person who is no longer your friend.

evolving_doors

You're not being unfair, I reckon you are feeling guilty for having these thoughts. But look, it's on her, that's her stuff to deal with. Although if she's making her friends act differently (hiding pregnancy happiness, or thinking a miscarriage isnt as bad as someone elses so not taking about it) then it's toxic. I'd just cut ties and (not broadcast it to your friends or anything) and focus on being there for then, it sounds as if they're not limelight seekers.

As regards the husband, you never know what's going on in a marriage so I'd stay well clear, it's like those cases where an innocent bystander tries to break up s fight in the street and ends up coming off the worst... Shoot the messenger and all that.

Stay clear and enjoy the space created.

LegacyUser

ahnow wrote: »

From what you've said you want the other girls in the group to feel the same way that you feel about it and in a sense gang up on her. Which is really just bringing things down to a juvenile level. If you don't want to be friends with her, yes you are totally justified. But bringing other people into it is not nice in my opinion. Yes, you don't like her actions, probably a lot of people wouldn't. But why bother calling her on it with a group of other grown women? If you want to support your friend who is pregnant, and your other friend who miscarried you can do that without gossiping, bitching or even thinking about this other person who is no longer your friend.

I don't know where you got this idea from. I actually don't get drawn into conversation about her at all really. I suppose that I am slightly more detached than the others. She has left the others down more often than me (possibly because I am generally more cynical and don't trust her to show up) and they have been more hurt by her dismissive behavior.

I have no intention of getting into a conversation about her, but I am just doubting whether my take on things is unreasonable or not...

I haven't gotten involved in her marriage. I found out about the first affair when she went missing and we ended up searching for her. There was disclosure due to the risk of suicide (her choice), so that she would have more support. The second affair was something that I had suspicions about but it was accidentally outed on Facebook when they were photographed kissing passionately in the background of an event photo. Her husband is good friends with two of the other girls' husbands and I was over in their house when he called, distraught.

I think that part of my issue is that because I stay impartial, everyone confides in me about stuff, so I know that there are people suffering and I feel so annoyed about it, but my perspective isn't great. I do try to be a good and supportive friend to the rest. I feel so disgusted by her though and I worry that it is just a nasty reaction on my part. The others feel that she is fragile and needs to be protected, which isn't my personal take on it, but their opinion is as valid as mine (I think!).

I have limited my time with her and in order to avoid excluding her from stuff, any group thing that I organise, I invite her and make an effort, but in the knowledge that she will blow us off because there is someone cooler to hang around with....I don't know. My head is a mess and I suppose that the issues around my other friend being pregnant and covering her excitement is just bringing these feelings to the surface.

ahnow

I apologise for taking it up wrongly then, that was my misjudgement. I think you are completely justified in how you feel about her, I would be distancing myself from someone like that also. It might take the others a while to catch on to what she is really like, but it seems like you see her behaviour for what it really is.

Sapphire

unfair? wrote: »

Another girl is now pregnant and feels that she is betraying her. I feel that this **** has been going on too long and that we need to stop wrapping her in cotton wool. I actually don't think that you can indefinitely use a miscarriage as an excuse for all kinds of bad behavior. I don't know if I am wrong or not though. She has morphed into a completely different person. I would never choose to be friends with her now.

I'd agree with you. Miscarriage is horrible, but its not an excuse for an affair, or any other bad behaviour nor is it a reason for not celebrating a friends pregnancy or trump another woman's miscarriage grief. Tragedy in our lives does not excuse us bad behaviour.

What do the other women think in the group?

timmy880

Just keep away from this vile individual. There is absolutely no excuse in the world for cheating on your husband twice with 2 different men! What a turd. Many couples experience difficulties after miscarriages/still borns and obviously there will be strains in relationships but this individual is just a horrible person and that's all there is to it. Stay away from the drama and negativity that she will continually create and your life will be better.

ChampagnePop

In your shoes I would stop with cotton wool treatment. I don't know if there's any point in confronting her about her past behaviour, but just do not accept it again.
Celebrate what you should celebrate, and call her out when she's rude, if you don't want to invite her don't!
Life's too short, **** happens, we have to move on at some stage.