Giving up

LegacyUser

Hi,

I have been married for two and a half years now and since the wedding things have gone downhill. Right now I don't want to be married anymore and I just really have started to hate my wife and resent her.

We met four years ago and got on great. We have ups and downs but everyone does. We started a small business and she was hands on while I still worked my own job and I helped with the background stuff. We had lots of common interests and enjoyed going out. Going on holidays and having fun.

Then we got married.... soon after her interest in the business waned and she wanted to move to our own place as we were living in my house that I had before we met. I didn't think it was unreasonable as a new place for a new start in life together. But the properties we were interested in meant moving out of the city. We had arguments over the acceptable distance to go but eventually I comprised and moved further than I wanted to because it was close to the motorway. In the meantime we agreed to close the business as it was losing money and the hit to shut it would be cheaper in the long run. A large chunk of money was wasted on that business. And now only 9 months after moving has she managed to get a part time job. So I have been killing myself to work 6 days a week plus as much ot as I can get for the guts of a year to support us. But she doesn't appreciate anything.

She has let herself go despite 3 gym memberships and home exercise equipment. Sex is non existent, not that I want it now. Since we are married she has put on 3 stone and sex became crap within 6month. No attempt to keep things alive, just shooting me down for suggesting anything different from the same ol same ol.

We now sleep in separate rooms for a couple of reasons. She likes to talk non stop no matter if I have to get up at 4am to go to work and don't get home till 7pm and she complains that I rob the quilt and take up too much bed. I have always been the type of person to sleep with my partner in my arms or spooning but be damned what I want.

For my birthday I told my wife not to worry about buying anything as we are short of cash, but when I got home I thought perhaps that she would make dinner, no she just looked at me and said, what are you cooking?

My life is now sleep commute work commute sleep commute work commute sleep. I have given up so much and I just don't want it anymore.

Some days are just so dark. I resent her for everything. For not putting in the effort in the business, for everything I have had to sacrifice for her. Quiting my degree course. Being unable to play any sports. For not being able to even watch football on the tv anymore. For killing my sex life. For emptying my bank balance. For accusing my of having an affair when I use my phone, even though I barely have 40mins a days to myself anymore.

If I didn't have my dogs I would never have a moment of happiness. How tragic is that. The only thing in my life worth smiling about is them.

Sorry. I needed to rant. This stuff is really getting me down. I can't go thru the separation and legal crap again. I done that 10year ago with an ex and she turned so nasty that I almost didn't survive it. I just don't see the point anymore. If you told me I would be dead tomorrow I would probably be happy that it's over rather than be upset. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to hurt myself. It's just so hard. I would walk away from ireland and my career for a new beginning but everything I have is tied up in the house.

I feel so lost. I feel so empty. I feel so stupid for getting involved with someone like this. I contacted the samaritons once to talk but the first thing they asked was do you want to kill yourself and I just stopped there. If you read all this I apologise for wasting your time.

racso1975

Wow so much going on for you op. This is prob a post to stsrt at end and work back. Apologies for all the errors but I'm on a mobile.

Ok so you are not going to self harm thats fantastic but you need to talk this out with some friend family or counsellor or gp as you sound very down/depressed

You have a phenomenal amount of resentment towards her. I have no idea if you want this saved at all. But you need to work on this. Do you want this to work again or not?

This is the part you may not like. She did not make you drop out of college, give up sports cause that commutte or ruin your sex life. You made those decisions. You might have done it for her but you made them. You need to take some ownership of the problem too otherwise it just becomes everybody elses fault.

I presume there are no children. You only knew her 18 months before you got married, not even engaged it sounds very quick any reason for this?

Has your wife any reason to believe you had an affair in the past? It also sounds likecshe is suffering too particularly behaviour wise ie weight gain gym membership, out of work etc

bee06

It does sound like ye got married very quickly and before ye really properly knew each other. How long did ye live together before getting married. Were you both in your mid/late thirties getting married by any chance?

jennyhayes123

Life is for living. Everything seems to have gone down hill so quickly. It's almost like she was on the gravy train and got everything she wanted and gave up. If you know your relationship is defo over you are better off makin the move and finishing it.
You poor thing. You deserve to be happy

Dr Crayfish

Why the f**k would you stay in this so called relationship? If you've no kids (you haven't mentioned any), get the hell out of that nightmare. It will destroy you from the inside out.

Hombre Lobo

OP it sounds like you are going through an awful lot and having to deal with all the stress that comes with it.

But have you actually talked to your wife about any of these things? I didn't see it mentioned in your post and it sounds like you are bottling it all up inside and not communicating your problems to your wife. Maybe she just doesn't realise all the stress you are under.

LegacyUser

Op here.

Sorry for not replying sooner, it's been a long day at work.

No I have never given her any reason to suspect that I may be doing anything in terms of cheating. She is extremely jealous and any time I pick up my phone to look at something I get an accusing, who are you texting or what are you looking at. I don't use Facebook or anything else like that so I be online talking with people. There was a woman in my study group when I was studying and I had to change groups because all I got was, why do you need to talk to her, surely there are guys you can study with. A guy I work with is also married and in similar boat to me regarding the commute. He loves looking at women and making comments, I asked him if he would ever cheat and he looked at me and laughed, sure you know what it's like, I barely have 40mins to myself in the day. How the F*** could I have time for an affair.

We were 35 when we married.

Yes she knows that things aren't ok. I have told her a few times that I am not enjoying life, that I don't feel like I have a life anymore. Her first response was that when she gets work it will take pressure off me. Then she started work but she complains that she only earns a small amount and can't pay any of the bills.

She text me in work today to ask if I even love her a little anymore. I told I don't want to get into a text argument and I told her before not to ask questions that are leading towards one answer she wants to hear.

So either way this is going to blow up big time tomorrow. Do I want to save it. I don't think so. Why haven't I run yet? I wanted to be able to say I tried. That I gave it a go. Also if she wants to be nasty then the house issue will be a mess.

I don't have many friends, my folks aren't in great health so I wouldn't want to burden them with my problems, I don't think it would be good for them. Generally I am extremely private person. Hence the anonymous board.

Wompa1

You may want to communicate this to her. Have you just been taking it on the chin this entire time?

She didn't want to work and put on 3 stone?...3 stone!? That's an awful lot of weight. Is there something wrong with her? Is she feeling down? Maybe you need to talk to her and find out....large weight loss or weight gain is something to be worried about.

LegacyUser

I have to say I really hate when people come on boards and talk as you do, completely the victim, taking no responsibility for their own lives and decisions and just sit back demonising the person they are with because it's easier to blame their partner than themselves. YOU made all these decisions, She did not force you. And she did not ruin your sex life?! By putting on weight? Does she still want to buy you're not interested in her because she's heavier and doesn't put in enough effort? You are half of this sex life 'she ruined', have you repeatedly calmly and lovingly sat down and suggested how you get it going again, because I can assure you she is not happy either.
Are you on your phone for 40 minutes but not really communicating with her at all in the evenings? You need to start communicating and stop this growing resentment, when it sounds like she is far from happy either. She is probably very insecure that you don't find her attractive anymore and hence the jealousy and mistrust. Have you sat down and said we need to work on this, because at the moment it isn't working. Are You doing EVERYTHING you can to make it work? Consistently? YOU married her. Sitting back critisising her with arms folded with this sense of expectancy and entitlement, quietly seething about what she 'should' be doing is absolutely going to be counter productive and useless in getting any the results you want. Start with a clean slate, let go of the blame, it gets you nowhere but more resentment, and start to create a better relationship beginning with open, understanding, non finger-pointing communication.

LegacyUser

I have to agree with above poster, you have not mentioned one thing you could work on. It sounds from your post that you can do do absolutely no wrong.
You said in your last post op that you wanted to say you at least tried. I think the first step is being honest with yourself and see how you can improve as a person if you really want to make it work.

December2012

It seems like she has made progress - she got s part time job. You're not happy with that? Do you feel your wife has any good qualities?

Is it really her fault that you're out of the house so much?

Maybe she wants to talk to you to connect? It must be hard for both of you if you're. Or getting to spend any time together?