Wife's affair

worried07

, I couldn't post anonymously, so have launched a new profile.

I'm not sure what I expect to get from this, but I need to get it off my chest.

My wife and I have been a couple for over 17 years. We are married nearly 9, are Irish but have been living in London for 8 years. We have 2 kids, aged 6 and 2.

Things haven't been great since the birth of our second child. He hasn't slept well, I think my wife may have had some undiagnosed post natal depression, we've both been working hard, sex hasn't been regular, she lies in bed in the morning while I get the kids up after they wake, so I feel tired at night at 10, but she has had 90 minutes more sleep than me in the morning.

Her moods have been very unhappy and she can get verbally aggressive with me and the kids.

She was working late quite a bit with a married man on a project that she put everything in to. There was a team event in which he and she were awarded a prize for all their hard work. The team went out that night and I remember it because of how drunk she came home. She was sick and she had left her work computer in the pub. She couldn't make it into work the next day.

Apparently that night the guy in work has kissed her. He is a boss, but not her line manager.

The following week when they next saw each other, they agreed it had been a mistake and not to refer to it again.

This guy has been having marital difficulties himself and apparently took three weeks off to try to resolve that. When it hasn't worked, he has come back and him and my wife have started an affair.

She informed me five days ago, after going missing for the day. He is living in his parents' house now and she went down there.

I immediately asked her to give us one more chance, which she agreed to, and I organised counselling.

We've had our first counselling session and she subsequently admitted that she was not truthful in it, she sees no future for us, and she intended to continue this affair and expects to ultimately set up home with this guy and our kids.

Since she has told me, there has only been one night out of five she has been home in time to see the kids to bed. I accidentally discovered that last night she and he had a booking to a bar which she had wanted us to go to. She wasn't home until 1am. I'm looking after the kids to facilitate this.

I have nobody else in London for support. If we were to separate, I don't think I could afford a home with enough rooms to have custody of the children. And even if I do, it will be sitting round in an empty flat in a lonely city all week, waiting for my two days, on which I'll be Skint as I'm spending all my money on rent.

It's breaking me in half now to be the one facilitating the affair.

I'm hoping that something will go wrong for them. He'll go back to his wife, she'll see what she is doing to our family. They have an infidelity app called Coverme, and maybe it is the sneaking around that they are excited by. If that wears off, she might see things differently.

I don't think she's in any rush for me or her to leave the family home. It's my 40th birthday at the end of July and I've said that I will take the kids back to my parents for that, to which she agreed, but now she says she wants to come as well as she may as well 'face the music'.

It honestly seems that, for now, she wants to carry on something similar to before, but continue this affair with my help and maybe even blessing.

I love her deeply. She has been part of me for nearly half my life. I would take her back in an instant and try to be more of the man she wants.

What should I do?

LegacyUser

Seek legal advice asap before making any decisions.
Let her come back to ROI with you in July. Let her explain to people why she us choosing this route. You should not have to.

Turtle_

You're already doing everything for the kids... Might as well make it official. Kick her out. Don't let her go to your folks with you. She's the one having the affair so let her be the one trying to find a new place to live. And maybe leak it to a gossip that she's having an affair and whom with. Take the fun out of it. And tbh, I'd change the locks and tell her she can see the kids as soon as she starts trying to give a crap about them in all of this...

Rantan

Yeah, she needs to leave the family home and you need to tell her. What a horrible position to be in. She can't continue to live in the home and have het affair. You need to come to terms with the whole issue. you are probably still in a deep sense of shock so it's hard to think straight. For now I wouldn't focus on trying to get her back. She is in the middle of an affair and if she wants that she needs to leave. Once she has space she might realise what she really needs. She sounds like she might be having some emotional trouble so this could go on for some time. And no she shouldn't go to your parents unless her intent is to be honest and reveal what has been happening.

Have to say I agree with turtle.
I'd put her out of the house. Let her get herself a bedsit, or even let her move in with him. In his parents!! I'd say the excitement will wear off pretty soon.

Personally, & I know your feeling hurt & confused, but I would be treating this as the end of your marriage. You need to make arrangements for you & your children.
I know you said you don't have anyone in London, but would you have a family member who could go stay with you for a few weeks ? You need someone to help you & the kids, as well as giving you some emotional support.
You have to stop letting her treat you like a doormat. Take control of your life, & your home & children. I'm sure they must be confused by their mam not being home as much.

Best of luck, it must be really tough for you without anyone around

silverharp

also talk to a divorce lawyer to get ahead of this and protect your savings and assets if you have any, cash them out and get a safety deposit box. if it ever comes up you had a bad day at the gg's

beks101

Her behaviour is disgraceful and right now there are no repercussions. She gets to have her cake and eat it while you sit at home raising your children.

You need to make her realise the reality of what she's doing. Make things real. Tell her she has until the end of the week to leave the family home. Tell her she's not welcome in your parents' house. Tell her you've invested in a divorce lawyer and are ready to pull the trigger. And that she can have her affair, but not on your time or at your family's expense.

racso1975

Its obvious you are still madly in love with this woman but the problem is this is not the same woman you fell in love with.

Maybe you are right about the post natal depression as her behaviour seems completely bizarre in the sense of not spending time with the children yet seeing herself set up home with them and this fella.

Your future is not with this woman. You appear to be a good person and good father who deserves better.

You need support and advice. Can you make your trip to Ireland an extended one to give you time to talk this through with friends and family? What are the options on relocating back home?

It would be very wise to keep a diary of all the nights she is out and does not come home or does not see her children.

road_high

Don't give that b1tch an inch on those kids...they are far better off with you, she sound like an awful piece of work.

worried07

One other thing I haven't mentioned I'd that I pay quite a few of the bills, including the mortgage, car, property management and several smaller bills. She mainly pays the childcare, gas, electric and council tax.

I've always felt that I provide a lot more than her financially, but she has never wanted joint accounts.

Anyway, while I have a good salary, I am extremely stretched financially. My money runs out towards payday without fail.

Unless her new man is subsidising her, and she can continue to pay the childcare, it might be financially impossible for us to split.

Sapphire

As much as the temptation would be is to kick her out, (and I couldn't blame you!) check first that its on a legal footing. If her name is on any of your rental or mortgage paperwork, you might not be able to and then YOU are in legal hot water and she skips off bleating about her nasty ex trying to make her homeless. You are married and this gives her rights to property and shared assets. Don't break the law because her actions are hurting you.

So be clever and do your homework first.

Go see a solicitor. Asap. In the UK the starting point for shared custody is usually 50:50 and negotiated from there. It looks good for you if it ends up in a court dispute that you sought to split fairly and amicably and suggested mediation - so arrange that. You can also discuss through a mediator how to manage the fallout so your children are as minimally affected as possible. Its usual to suggest at least six months post separation to introduce new partners so her bulldozing into yanking your young children out of your family home and into a strange surroundings with a strange man in the mix will be seen as utterly selfish and self serving. A mediation can help you put the brakes on that for your children. Could you have more flexibility work wise to position yourself as the primary carer? Next, log your daily routine. Keep it factual but keep note about all the childcare arrangements /drop off's /pickups evening bedtime routine etc so that you can prove you are the primary carer right now and can show a history of that. Naturally, keep this to yourself for if it gets nasty down the line.

Right now, she's in the honeymoon period of hotels and snatched moments and the thrill of secrecy makes a lot of these affairs more exciting than they actually are. She wants to move in with him? Great. Help her pack her bags. But she doesn't get to take the kids out of their family home.

You might find that if you get the ball rolling on the separation yourself, moving in with loverboy and seeing his socks on the floor or his haemorrhoid cream or his habit of leaving cups all over the place might take the shine off their new romance. But that's not your problem if she finds out that the grass isn't greener. It's hers.

You cant be vindictive, no matter how tempted you are. No snotty texts/ emails or rows in front of your children. Give her nothing that can be held up as unreasonable behaviour form you in court. Hold onto your civility. You will be thankful that you kept your cool and your dignity down the line.

Colser

Have you spoken to anyone OP about what's happening?You need to share this with a friend /family as it's too much to handle on your own especially when you have children to mind as well.

You can't throw her out unfortunately if you both own the house (you probably wouldn't anyway) but you should speak with a solicitor to discuss your options .I'd also make sure your savings etc are protected from her.

I doubt that the affair will last tbh but how you react to it will go a long way to determining your future with your wife.

Don't protect her in this would be my advice.
TELL people what is going on and don't carry the burden alone.Tell your family and hopefully they can help you in some way.Tell her family if you're in contact with them ,what she is doing is crazy when they're children involved.

I'd be advising you to record your discussions with her in future as I bet that she will twist things around when the affair loses its appeal.

Well done on holding it all together as this must be like a nightmare for you.Mind yourself.


JUST seen Sapphires post..great advice for you OP.

liquoriceall

Would you come home to Ireland with the kids for good? You would have support and probably more money
Let her do what she likes

worried07

Thanks a lot everyone. I told her to leave the house if she is going to carry on like this. She has apologised and has said she wants to try again. I'm sceptical and nervous, but I don't see what else I can do. Like I said, I love her and believe that she has been targeted by a predator while she has been vulnerable. Through my work Employee Assistance Programme we still have five counselling sessions, so we can keep at those and then see how things look. But o think I might insist on a return to Ireland.

Markcheese

There's some really good advice above... definitely get legal advice, keep everything civil.. subtly log everything with the kids ---( even do wall charts for them) ect ect .
Dont right off your marraige though.. and have a really good think about moving back to ireland.. can ye afford to..do you really want to or is it knee jerk .. in fairness if you are doing that , do it quick.. being normaly resident in ireland does mean the kids stay in ireland if theres a break up in the future , who-ever gets custody ...
Theres no easy soloution either way... work on the present but plan that the future Might be rocky..

Augme

worried07 wrote: »

Thanks a lot everyone. I told her to leave the house if she is going to carry on like this. She has apologised and has said she wants to try again. I'm sceptical and nervous, but I don't see what else I can do. Like I said, I love her and believe that she has been targeted by a predator while she has been vulnerable. Through my work Employee Assistance Programme we still have five counselling sessions, so we can keep at those and then see how things look. But o think I might insist on a return to Ireland.

Don't be foolish. She knew well what she was at. The only reason she's stopped is because you finally stood up to her.

LegacyUser

OP, see a solicitor immediately. Don't go changing locks or kicking people out....get legal advice immediately. You must NOT leave your home.
Document all the events you describe, dates & times are important but your goal here is not to expose her infidelity but to demonstrate your role as the primary carer. If you have any witnesses to that role get their evidence also.
If you have FEEL threatened by her it's important to document that, threatened means fear of physical abuse, mental abuse or verbal abuse.
Stop posting here....it may harm you. You do have rights...she does too but a caring Dad can remain in the home as primary carer.
Finally - be strong, it's a long process but not as costly as you may think

Ursus Horribilis

Not to mention her realising that she'd have to find somewhere to rent in London...

frostyjacks

Targeted by a predator? I wouldn't be making excuses for her behaviour. Do what's best for you and the kids, don't be worrying about her. I doubt she was putting her family first when she shacked up with Mr Loverman.

Rantan

Saphire, great, rational calm advice. OP this is good advice. Best of luck. You have a rough time ahead but it will pass and you will find happiness.

Rantan

Well done Op for standing up for yourself and your children. It was a brave move. It's good to see she has started to see the consequences already but you need time and space. She can't just come back like that. For all u know her boyfriend might have thrown her out. You need to step back, reevaluate what's best for you and the children but on your terms not hers.

FionnK86

Hold up brother we're all with you.

sReq | uTeK

I have no doubt that she will continue this affair. The only thing that has made her curb her utter disrespect and shoving it in your face is the fact she realises she needs your money till she sets up shop.

Your marriage is over and if it was me and a woman did that to me it would be over from my point of view too. Where do you go from here? I mean the utter contempt she has shown you and your kids is unforgiveable in my opinion.

And to be so braisen about it, the absolute cheek ,bloody cheating apps and all. I know this is just my opinion but I just have no respect for cheaters. It's something I just couldn't forgive.

It might seem like dark days now but you're a young man with a long life ahead of you. Life is to short. Start the correct procedures. Leave this horrible person and in a few years when you meet someone with more respect you'll be happier for it.

One last thing don't be blaming anyone else in this situation but her and stop making excuses for her behaviour. No one forced her to do this . She wanted to.

December2012

It's still worth going to the rest of the sessions

Augme

December2012 wrote: »

It's still worth going to the rest of the sessions

Agreed. But OP, I think you'd be much better off going to them on your own and concentrate working on your own issues.

Sapphire

worried07 wrote: »

Thanks a lot everyone. I told her to leave the house if she is going to carry on like this. She has apologised and has said she wants to try again. I'm sceptical and nervous, but I don't see what else I can do. Like I said, I love her and believe that she has been targeted by a predator while she has been vulnerable. Through my work Employee Assistance Programme we still have five counselling sessions, so we can keep at those and then see how things look. But o think I might insist on a return to Ireland.

Its ok to give it a chance, even if you've doubts - you are married and have kids who's life would be turned upside-down, and even for yourself its a lot to process in just a few days. It's natural to want to be able to look back on a broken marriage and know that you did what you could at the time to make it work.

And if you feel that you did all you could but that you cant get past her infidelity some months down the line, that's ok too. Staying together and working successfully towards Marriage 2.0 is significantly harder than divorcing. Trust is a hard thing to rebuild - it can be done, but only if the person who cheated is utterly honest and works bloody hard on repairing their marriage with you. You cant do it on your own, it really does take two.

A couple of things to remember - google hysterical bonding. Read Chumplady.com. Get the book "not just friends" by Shirley Glass for you both to read.

It might well be that she was getting played and yer man bailed once he realised she was planning to leave her marriage. Or maybe she realised that the affair relationship was ashes once the secrecy and intrigue and all the buzz from illicit behaviour was gone. It's worthwhile for you to get counselling - both of you but I'd recommend separate sessions too. You'll both need that to vent and if you decide to stay together you wont want to confide in family because long after you've forgiven and forgotten, they wont!

Check out if you do move back to Ireland how that changes any divorce terms you might want to avail of in the future. You can apply for a divorce in the UK much more quickly than in Ireland for example. (need to be separated 4 out of 5 years). Plus here, courts tend to favour the mother (not always, but its a BIG gamble for something so important as your kids )in separation arrangements, whereas in the UK it can be more equal. So, what I would suggest you do is hope for the best, but still plan for the worst, if you know what I mean.

Worst case scenario is that you consult a solicitor, and know your position and that you never need to set a separation in motion. It wont be money wasted, even if you stay together. She needs to know that you are not a soft touch and that you ARE prepared to end the marriage if this reconciliation doesn't work. That will be her biggest motivator in saving her marriage.

I wish you all the best in what will be a very bumpy few months.

worried07

Thanks Sapphire, and thanks everyone else who has taken time to try and help me.

I am really questioning her mental condition. She has been very down today, there is no chance of hysterical bonding! She sort of mentioned that she fears she has depression or some element of mania when we reconciled. I have told her today that she must go and see her GP, but she says that a counselling session which her work will pay for is just as good. I think she needs a doctor. And there is something cynical in the back of my mind that says that if she gets a mental disorder diagnosed, it might help me with custody in future. But also a part of me which says "In sickness and in health" and if a medical condition has caused her to do this, I have to stick by her. She might just be doing an Iris Robinson though.

Constantly crying, refusing to communicate. She's out babysitting at present. I know that she is there, because our kids went up and played with the kids she is looking after, then I took ours back home. If I hadn't done that, I would have been full of doubts. Although for the fifth time in seven nights, I am at home alone, putting the kids to bed.

Maybe she is feeling sorry for herself. Maybe she is heartbroken with the end of her affair. Maybe he has rejected her.

Two strange things she said when we were going through the nuts and bolts of what she has been doing and she was unrepentant have made me think she is delusional. Firstly, that she acknowledged that she had been unhappy, but that this affair had made her happy. As a result her relationship with our daughter had improved and our daughter is doing better in school as a result and so the affair was good for the kids. Secondly that her mother was supportive of what she was doing because it made her happy. As things came to a head yesterday, I spoke to her mother who is absolutely distraught, hadn't encouraged her. I think she wants to come over and kidnap her and bring her home.

Her dad also called her. He is a builder and quite a silent type. She was expecting him to be angry and shout but he cried down the phone. She is wracked with guilt about that.

I told her mother that I had given her the ultimatum to leave the house and her mother agreed with me having done that. She'd usually be very protective of my wife, but she told me I was entirely right.

I think she intends to go in to work on Monday, although this guy is there. She loves her job and says there is nowhere else she would rather work. Her folks have told her to phone in sick. To go to HR and ask for an emergency transfer. The guy she is having the affair with is in a senior managerial position in this organisation, in the department in which my wife works. It is a very large and well known organisation and I think it could be argued that he has breached a duty of care.

She has spent quite a bit of money on new clothes today.

I have a mate that I hadn't seen in 20 years and then met at the Euros and he told me there about his personal situation, which is remarkably similar to mine, or it was 6 years ago. I am going to meet him for a pint tomorrow. He has also recommended a family solicitor. He is in to fathers' rights etc and will talk me through a few plans before I go to see the solicitor. I think seeing the solicitor is a positive step regardless. I am not sure whether to tell her I am doing that though.

Finally, when I said that we are both Irish, we are from the North and that would be where we would move back to, even though we moved to London from Dublin. We were living in Dublin when we got married, but we got married in the North.

professore

She has spent quite a bit of money on new clothes today.

Massive red flag.

You say about post natal depression, mental issues etc. People should be judged by their actions, not their words.

Your wife is a selfish bitch plain and simple. Prepare your escape plan.

Virgil°

worried07 wrote: »

I think seeing the solicitor is a positive step regardless. I am not sure whether to tell her I am doing that though.

Under NO circumstances let your wife know what you are doing. She may be your wife but shes not on your side anymore.

I have more than a sneaking suspicion that this is gonna get ugly for you very soon. Shes gonna be looking out for herself and any information you feed her will be used against you.

You don't really sound like you're taking this very seriously yet. Make no mistake your marriage is over and if you continue humming and hawwing/conjuring excuses for her behaviour you're gonna sleepwalk into a disaster(losing proper custody of your kids for example).

Shots will be fired here OP and while you don't have to be the first one to fire you should silently arm yourself to the teeth to defend yourself.

b_mac2

It kills me to read threads like this, people are so crap. I'm never going to get married.

All the best OP!

Wompa1

Sorry, sir! Your story hurts my heart, I can't imagine how you feel!

It sounds like logistically, London is not going to work for you as a single father. You should document absolutely everything you can.

I would also try to amicably arrange you and the kids moving back to Ireland. Let her stay in London with her dream job and the loser she's having her affair with.

You can start to build a better life for yourself and the kids in Ireland. Best of luck to you!

Polynesian Island

worried07 wrote: »

, I couldn't post anonymously, so have launched a new profile.

I'm not sure what I expect to get from this, but I need to get it off my chest.

My wife and I have been a couple for over 17 years. We are married nearly 9, are Irish but have been living in London for 8 years. We have 2 kids, aged 6 and 2.

Things haven't been great since the birth of our second child. He hasn't slept well, I think my wife may have had some undiagnosed post natal depression, we've both been working hard, sex hasn't been regular, she lies in bed in the morning while I get the kids up after they wake, so I feel tired at night at 10, but she has had 90 minutes more sleep than me in the morning.

Her moods have been very unhappy and she can get verbally aggressive with me and the kids.

She was working late quite a bit with a married man on a project that she put everything in to. There was a team event in which he and she were awarded a prize for all their hard work. The team went out that night and I remember it because of how drunk she came home. She was sick and she had left her work computer in the pub. She couldn't make it into work the next day.

Apparently that night the guy in work has kissed her. He is a boss, but not her line manager.

The following week when they next saw each other, they agreed it had been a mistake and not to refer to it again.

This guy has been having marital difficulties himself and apparently took three weeks off to try to resolve that. When it hasn't worked, he has come back and him and my wife have started an affair.

She informed me five days ago, after going missing for the day. He is living in his parents' house now and she went down there.

I immediately asked her to give us one more chance, which she agreed to, and I organised counselling.

We've had our first counselling session and she subsequently admitted that she was not truthful in it, she sees no future for us, and she intended to continue this affair and expects to ultimately set up home with this guy and our kids.

Since she has told me, there has only been one night out of five she has been home in time to see the kids to bed. I accidentally discovered that last night she and he had a booking to a bar which she had wanted us to go to. She wasn't home until 1am. I'm looking after the kids to facilitate this.

I have nobody else in London for support. If we were to separate, I don't think I could afford a home with enough rooms to have custody of the children. And even if I do, it will be sitting round in an empty flat in a lonely city all week, waiting for my two days, on which I'll be Skint as I'm spending all my money on rent.

It's breaking me in half now to be the one facilitating the affair.

I'm hoping that something will go wrong for them. He'll go back to his wife, she'll see what she is doing to our family. They have an infidelity app called Coverme, and maybe it is the sneaking around that they are excited by. If that wears off, she might see things differently.

I don't think she's in any rush for me or her to leave the family home. It's my 40th birthday at the end of July and I've said that I will take the kids back to my parents for that, to which she agreed, but now she says she wants to come as well as she may as well 'face the music'.

It honestly seems that, for now, she wants to carry on something similar to before, but continue this affair with my help and maybe even blessing.

I love her deeply. She has been part of me for nearly half my life. I would take her back in an instant and try to be more of the man she wants.

What should I do?

I can see why she is having an affair, you are a doormat, there is no way that she is sexually attracted to you. Why is is it your priority to be the man she wants? Be the man you want to be and set your own boundaries?

In fact, the way to spark attraction back would be to tell her that the relationship is finished and put her in her place. She has just walked all over you and you are the one trying to change to make her happy. You need to cop on for your own well being and happiness, tell your wife the realtionship is over.

utyh2ikcq9z76b

Yeah would agree with above poster, you need to cop on and grow a set, your getting walked over,making all the excuses in the world for her,even calling the other guy a predator,give me a break.Let her feel the full force of the repercussions from her actions. She doesn't love you,she needs you financially and probably feels sorry for you

tara73

Laney White Theorist wrote: »

Yeah would agree with above poster, you need to cop on and grow a set, your getting walked over,making all the excuses in the world for her,even calling the other guy a predator,give me a break.Let her feel the full force of the repercussions from her actions. She doesn't love you,she needs you financially and probably feels sorry for you

OP, these are harsh words, but unfortunately it's the truth.

But I would put it this way also: I think you are a very, very nice person. You care a lot for your children, they come first for you. But this woman, your wife, is using, misusing your good nature and indeed walking all over you, manipulating you. This can't go on. You are a too good person for her!

You can't trust this woman anymore. You need to stand up for yourself, showing her you won't tolerate her behaviour anymore and that she betrayed you.
I can only vaguely imagine what this all means to you and it's easy for us here on the keyboards to give advice about throwing her out and all the stuff. But you really have to ask yourself how it should go on with her. Will you ever be able to trust her?
My guess is you are thinking of staying together because of the kids, but read over some other threads here, there are so many, and the opinions are always uniform, it will damage the kids more growing up in a toxic relationship than the exeprience of a separation.

Emmadilema123

worried07 wrote: »

Thanks Sapphire, and thanks everyone else who has taken time to try and help me.

I am really questioning her mental condition. She has been very down today, there is no chance of hysterical bonding! She sort of mentioned that she fears she has depression or some element of mania when we reconciled. I have told her today that she must go and see her GP, but she says that a counselling session which her work will pay for is just as good. I think she needs a doctor. And there is something cynical in the back of my mind that says that if she gets a mental disorder diagnosed, it might help me with custody in future. But also a part of me which says "In sickness and in health" and if a medical condition has caused her to do this, I have to stick by her. She might just be doing an Iris Robinson though.

Constantly crying, refusing to communicate. She's out babysitting at present. I know that she is there, because our kids went up and played with the kids she is looking after, then I took ours back home. If I hadn't done that, I would have been full of doubts. Although for the fifth time in seven nights, I am at home alone, putting the kids to bed.

Maybe she is feeling sorry for herself. Maybe she is heartbroken with the end of her affair. Maybe he has rejected her.

Two strange things she said when we were going through the nuts and bolts of what she has been doing and she was unrepentant have made me think she is delusional. Firstly, that she acknowledged that she had been unhappy, but that this affair had made her happy. As a result her relationship with our daughter had improved and our daughter is doing better in school as a result and so the affair was good for the kids. Secondly that her mother was supportive of what she was doing because it made her happy. As things came to a head yesterday, I spoke to her mother who is absolutely distraught, hadn't encouraged her. I think she wants to come over and kidnap her and bring her home.

Her dad also called her. He is a builder and quite a silent type. She was expecting him to be angry and shout but he cried down the phone. She is wracked with guilt about that.

I told her mother that I had given her the ultimatum to leave the house and her mother agreed with me having done that. She'd usually be very protective of my wife, but she told me I was entirely right.

I think she intends to go in to work on Monday, although this guy is there. She loves her job and says there is nowhere else she would rather work. Her folks have told her to phone in sick. To go to HR and ask for an emergency transfer. The guy she is having the affair with is in a senior managerial position in this organisation, in the department in which my wife works. It is a very large and well known organisation and I think it could be argued that he has breached a duty of care.

She has spent quite a bit of money on new clothes today.

I have a mate that I hadn't seen in 20 years and then met at the Euros and he told me there about his personal situation, which is remarkably similar to mine, or it was 6 years ago. I am going to meet him for a pint tomorrow. He has also recommended a family solicitor. He is in to fathers' rights etc and will talk me through a few plans before I go to see the solicitor. I think seeing the solicitor is a positive step regardless. I am not sure whether to tell her I am doing that though.

Finally, when I said that we are both Irish, we are from the North and that would be where we would move back to, even though we moved to London from Dublin. We were living in Dublin when we got married, but we got married in the North.

You are putting the kids to bed on your own every night still?!? No way! Would t have it. She sounds like she doesn't want to participate anymore at all in family life. Shopping and out galavanting in the evenings? Mother of 3 here and this sounds so selfish and out of order to me. My husband works in the U.K. Most of the time and I do all the bedtimes on my own and it's one of the hardest parts of the day. When he is here he wouldn't dare leave the house until all kids are asleep.

LegacyUser

OP, how much do you know of your wife's plans for the future...zero!! She's telling you very little apart from the fact that having an affair is good for her and her children. Why are you sitting on the fence here? See a Solicitor IMMEDIATELY, stop this business of a friend of a friend went through something similar and I'll meet for a pint to chat. Get one thing very clear in your mind, you are no longer in a loving relationship. You are a provider to a woman who has another relationship and you are facilitating her by minding her children. The deed is done, the infidelity has happened already, that's not love. You're afraid of moving forward and seeking "a cure to her condition" is how you bury your head in the sand.
It's very simple, arrange an appointment with a solicitor. Do not tell her you're doing this. The solicitor will tell you your rights, they'll tell you the worst case scenario which will make you want to get sick as it'll be lose your home and children or the best case scenario, she already has a job so she pays you maintenance while you remain in your home with your children. Do not tell her anything. This is you trying to determine what's best for YOU not what's best for her. She's made her choices without any discussion with you so now it's time you did the same, see a solicitor and get some advice. They deal with this every day. Remember, for all you know she may have been to a solicitor already and may have set steps in motion to have custody and the home so don't be caught on the back foot here, protect yourself, keep your business private, as in stop posting here, and remember if it comes to court her parents will be on her side because their first question will be where is our daughter going to live? Accept it's over, face your fears and start your new life today by making that appointment IMMEDIATELY.

Ursus Horribilis

While the now banned Polynesian Island's words are unnecessarily harsh, I believe there is more than a grain of truth in what they said. I get the impression that you're so desperate to keep the ship steadied that you're lying to yourself. I find it very hard to buy the deluded story myself. This isn't an innocent 12 year old being groomed by a predator online we're talking about here. Your wife's a grown woman of 40 who has moved countries, married, had a family, has worked for years. She's no innocent changeling. I get the impression that she has been pushing the envelope with you for a while and saw that she could get away with an awful lot. Most people wouldn't dream of brazenly carrying on an affair under their spouse's nose and for one simple reason. The vast majority of partners would tell them to sling their hook and get the hell out of their house. I think the living in London part of your story is dictating a lot of her behaviour. Finding somewhere else any way half decent to live is going to cost her an arm and a leg. So instead, she's saying the right things and manipulating her loving husband so that she can stay at home. I wouldn't trust this one as far as I'd throw her, to be honest. Tread very very carefully. I think quietly going to talk to a solicitor is the wisest thing you can do for now.

Ignatius in bloom

I think if i cheated and it involved a family unit and i desperately wanted to save that family unit then the last thing i would be doing is shopping or babysitting for friends. Sometimes the answers are not words but actions.

Don't end up in a bedsit alone and always wondering why you didn't act on those actions and protect not just yourself but your relationship with your children who you seem to be a tremendous father to.

athtrasna

Depression is crippling and crushing. If the OP is right in his theory that there was undiagnosed and untreated post natal depression the wife may be more innocent in this than posters seem to judge her. I've known people end up in hospital, try to commit suicide and/or go completely off the rails as a result of pnd.

Sure she may be a bad egg, or else she may be very ill.

My heart goes out to the OP but I'm always shocked at how quickly people judge others on here.

OP please continue with the counselling and push the idea that she needs to see a doctor. By all means put a plan in place to push the button and end it all but you'll never be happy without all the answers so please try to find them.

tomwaterford

Go about finding a job in Ireland and move home??

Leave her behind....no one deserves to be treated like that

Sapphire

tomwaterford wrote: »

Go about finding a job in Ireland and move home??

Leave her behind....no one deserves to be treated like that

He cant take children out of the jurisdiction without the consent of the other parent! It comes under the Hague Convention (EU regulation) and the children are habitually resident in the UK. Any Irish court would be obliged to order a return of the children to the jurisdiction they were removed from - and make him getting any kind of unsupervised visitation with those practically non-existent for years to come.

He could lose his kids if he just ups sticks and moves them to Ireland without their mother's consent. Her cheating does not cancel out her joint custody of the kids nor does it give him licence to ignore his legal obligations.

FortySeven

Agree about the Hague convention. I've been through it on the other side. Nothing you can do here.

Stay put op. Get legal advise asap and be ready for a fight. These things get incredibly nasty but if you remain decent but firm you will do fine.

Do not try to be conciliatory. You will be eaten alive in court. She has given you a level playing field with her infidelity. Normally she would have an advantage but she has thrown that away.

Start gathering any evidence you can. No matter how small and get organised and then hit her where it hurts, court. Show no quarter.

Everyone will suffer. There is no getting around this but a quick, hard fight is better than a lifetime of regrets.

You have my sympathy.