Several weights on my shoulders

LegacyUser

I read the forum rules and seen its not advisable to post across several sections (health/relationships/etc) so I assume this one thread should be grand? New here.

Even though I have an assumed "guest" name here, I know a few people will know who I am from other threads, so not fussed in case anyone is concerned.

I don't know what I hope to gain from this thread, (advice obviously) but I know everyone will say to just go get help, maybe just reinforcing might help.

Feel like I have a mountain to dig through and too scared to even dislodge a stone incase the whole shop falls down on me.

Sections I guess -

1) Facing possible bad health news, in my fronts.

Main issue, been told by I may have 2 serious genetic illness's and may take months to confirm.
Told today that x rays seem to suggest hip dysplasia, (need to be referred from GP to correct orthopaedic people for more investigation) but the thought of even having that? On top of all this?
Also waiting for suggested rheumatoid arthritis results and worsening of current other circulatory condition and my spine is curving worse.

Also told if its the chance its the hip issue, options are eventually going to be some version of surgery, but with this odd connective tissue disorder currently unspecified, they know from previous operations I don't heal nice at all and would be reluctant/difficult.
Going to ignore that for now as its "news" from today and can wait.
But it tipped me into actually writing in here.

Now, listen, its all "wait and see" and "you need bloods/dna to confirm" so I know I just have to sit tight in all this. Plus % chance of it being /that/ illness is unlikely.
That, I get. But the stress of waiting is badly hitting my health.

Tried saying to my GP in one country (for uni) that I wanted to speak to someone aka a counsellor but they laughed it off (?!) saying "there is nothing to worry about its likely nothing". Refused to see that GP since.
I went to the Uni who said I could have 4 sessions a year with the counsellor, I said I would wait till I have a confirmed illness as I feel that would impact me more/need see someone.

Home (Ireland) now, and my GP here said with waiting lists I may be back at Uni by time I see someone?
I phoned some local charities/mental health who said also long waiting lists or only suitable for sucidual people, but I may get to see one charity later this coming month, so not a lost cause.

Being at Uni also, shows me how ill I actually am? Around people my own age. Obviously some have hidden illness/mental health as well, but generally I never felt too out of place as I was quiet/reculsive through secondary school. Maybe I being bitter.

Issue 2 (?)
Going home to my own city is bitter sweet, nice seeing family/good food ha, bad feeling out of my wits about a previous/current stalker.
I did go to the police at the time, as a minor under 18, they said it would go to court, I needed dr examination, statements, would have to stand and tell people what he did.
Was just before my final A levels I think. I refused to name the man, so no case.
I wanted to focus on A levels, good grades, get to Uni in a totally new country. I was naive thinking fleeing would mean fleeing the problems.
I still get nightmares and bad feeling from what he did. I assumed a new name online when I moved but he still found me.
When at home in Ireland, I can't go into kitchen at night (dark windows/lights on) because I think is out there looking in. I had a panic attack the 1st night home. Had to try and cop on and hide it. Everyone was in bed at that stage so just went to my room, tried to breathe, threw up and cried. Not a good way of working..

I can't talk about this to my family as they blame me for being stalked, and I think they feel I am "tainted" and broken goods for being sexually assaulted from it.
The stalker blackmailed me and message an older sibling telling them that I was a lesbian, which no one knew, forcibly "out"ing me.
My mother seems....unhappy but accepting on the lgbt, and father just negative emotion and blanks it all. Its been a few years and no change. Just the whole not really accepting it is another thing I don't need??
I'm not ready to go to the police again, especially in mist of Uni and other things.

Issue 3 (related to 1+2)
I would love to be in a relationship, (friendships or romantically) but leaning toward romantically in this sense.
Ive been so untrusting since that stalking occurred, even at Uni, I have only made acquaintances.
There is one girl who I should class a friend, but I keep our friendship distant, as in, only see her during class times. Been invited to her place/out and refused each time.
I don't want to get close and ruin the friendship (I only deem it as friends not more as well).
But even before the stalking I was horrible at maintaining connections with people but this just totally blew it up.
Been offered a few dates or matches in the online date things but ended up refusing it all.

Since he attacked me, it took me a year to even let myself think romantically/sexually etc and in the next years that past, I can't let anyone go near me like that.
My libido has returned and need for companionship (friends/partner) but when it comes down to it, I just, can't. I can't even let anyone kiss me as it reminds me. I feel sick typing that. Its awful. Im broken wasted goods. I dont see why anyone would want me - or why anyone would stick around while I got myself together.
Would anyone want to be with someone who is often I admit, grumpy and hard to be around due to chronic pain? Not people my own age I mean, young people are out enjoying life, and would not want to be grounded/chained by me. Some cnut with a stick and foul mood who cant trust. I feel like I am destined to be alone and should accept it.

My family have very badly fractured issues, estrangement, but not to do with me, but its straining the rest of the family and me. My mother cries to me on the phone that one sibling does not love her and that she wants to see the grand kids and I'm like, I am unable to do anything? Im sorry.
Worried about money, and can barely work alongside uni work now with my health and I want to be relying on myself not others.

Now, I know 2 boards members have spoken to me in PM about some of this, and if they see this post and recognise me, I very very much so value what you's have said there, but just putting this out here too.

I know I wrote A LOT, but, I, should I wait till Uni is over and then try and deal with these one at a time, if at all?

I'm scared if I "unbottle" one then I will break down and fail Uni and everything I worked hard for. and if I see counsellors it will be broken between Ireland and other country so disjointed as hell. I know the replies should be see counsellors but it may be awhile as explained.

Its just a lot and I don't know what I want from this thread so apologies.

Thanks.