family won't accept my partner

keelee

Ok basic synopsis my family do not accept my choice of partner because he was married previously and they deem him not good enough. Let me stress I am in my 40's and my partner in his 50's. We recently had a baby together and are extremely happy.

However while my mother has certainly modified her attitude since the baby came and is very nice to my partner now my father refuses to budge an inch. It is at the point where he will walk past is without saying hello.

My partners family are the total opposite and are thrilled with both our relationship and the new baby.

I know I shouldn't care as I'm the age I am but I am very upset by my father's behaviour. My siblings side with him and do not appear to like my partner either merely because of the stress they see the relationship causing at home. However all of them have been kind to the baby and bought him lovely gifts etc.

My poor mother is worn out from trying to change my dad's mind but he's as stubborn as a mule. My partner meanwhile has put up with the constant put downs for the last four years but is now furious that my dad will be so outwardly rude as to refuse to even acknowledge us when he drops me off with the baby for a visit with my mother who adores the baby.

Now we are due to have a christening. My partners family and elderly parents are all arriving from abroad and are full of excitement for the event. Meanwhile my partner doesn't want my dad to meet his family given that he refuses to so much as say hello on a normal day and instead throws us dirty looks and says horrible and nasty things about him.

I feel so caught in the middle as I just want a happy peaceful day of celebration. Am I wrong to have a church service only and go for a meal with my partners family and just send my lot home? Keep in mind they never ever invite us for anything and I was recently told I couldn't bring my partner to my nephews communion either because it would cause problems at home.

Please help.

strandroad

Sending your lot home would be a it harsh seeing how your mother is not problematic. Do you have an idea who would like to attend at all?

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe you could have a chat with your mother and see how she feels? Would she be comfortable about coming along to the christening without your dad?

The rest of your siblings who never invite you to anything - I'd not be inviting them to the christening. Something tells me they'd be relieved not to be asked so they can't say no.

jlm29

Invite people who you would want to be there, and who will want to go. Would your family rather you left your partner and raised your baby as a single mother just to keep your father happy? They're being ridiculous, selfish, and childish, and you'd probably be better off without them, hard as it might seem to cut some of your family out of your life.
Your mother sounds very nice- it will probably make things hard for her, but hopefully she will continue to see her grandchild

keelee

jlm29 wrote: »

Invite people who you would want to be there, and who will want to go. Would your family rather you left your partner and raised your baby as a single mother just to keep your father happy? They're being ridiculous, selfish, and childish, and you'd probably be better off without them, hard as it might seem to cut some of your family out of your life.
Your mother sounds very nice- it will probably make things hard for her, but hopefully she will continue to see her grandchild

Oh god she will. I'd never stop her from seeing the baby. Thanks for the reply. I think you are probably right. I feel like I have to support my partner as he is such a fantastic dad and so doesn't deserve this treatment.

keelee

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Maybe you could have a chat with your mother and see how she feels? Would she be comfortable about coming along to the christening without your dad?

I did speak to her today about this. She's definitely upset and wants to help but she knows Its impossible. She would certainly come to the service but I doubt she would come for s meal afterwards without him. That would just make her home life a misery. She already tried to take him to task about his attitude when I first told them I was pregnant (at that stage he demanded the return of the deposit he had loaned me for buying my house ten years ago ) and they ended up not speaking for weeks and she found that incredibly difficult. I don't want to put her through that again.

mfceiling

Tell your mother that you're not inviting your father. If he wants to sulk about with a big head on him let him do it at home. Make it clear to your siblings that it is a very important day for you and your partner and if they can't be civil then stay at home.
You have your own special family unit and don't let anyone or anything cause you to be unhappy in it.

Ursus Horribilis

keelee wrote: »

I did speak to her today about this. She's definitely upset and wants to help but she knows Its impossible. She would certainly come to the service but I doubt she would come for a meal afterwards without him. That would just make her home life a misery.

What a sad thread this is. It's awful for you but I really feel for your mum. She's really caught in the middle here and will always find herself caught in the middle between you/the baby and her husband. Your father seems to be quite an imposing character. I wonder is your sibings siding with him less about what they think about your partner than their fear of getting on your father's bad side?

I think the wisest thing to do here is invite your mum to the church part of the day and then just go for the meal with your partner's family. At the end of the day, the christening is only one day in your child's life and it'll be far more important that your mum continues to see her grandhchild.

keelee

mfceiling wrote: »

Tell your mother that you're not inviting your father. If he wants to sulk about with a big head on him let him do it at home. Make it clear to your siblings that it is a very important day for you and your partner and if they can't be civil then stay at home.
You have your own special family unit and don't let anyone or anything cause you to be unhappy in it.

Thanks that sounds like good advice. It's been causing a lot of problems between my partner and I in recent days so I think you are right I need to concentrate on my own unit and stop trying to please people

keelee

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

What a sad thread this is. It's awful for you but I really feel for your mum. She's really caught in the middle here and will always find herself caught in the middle between you/the baby and her husband. Your father seems to be quite an imposing character. I wonder is your sibings siding with him less about what they think about your partner than their fear of getting on your father's bad side?

I think the wisest thing to do here is invite your mum to the church part of the day and then just go for the meal with your partner's family. At the end of the day, the christening is only one day in your child's life and it'll be far more important that your mum continues to see her grandhchild.

I didn't think of it that way but you certainly could have a point. He's fairly wealthy and that brings a status of its own.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. It's so hard to see the wood for the trees when you are right in the middle of it.

StripedBoxers

If I was in your situation I would invite my mother of course, but as for the dad and siblings, I would tell them they aren't invited and until they change their behaviour towards your partner then they can stay away from you both and your family unit for good. I would tell dad the same.

How very dare they treat your partner and childs father like that, they are people you don't need in your life. They sound like toxic individuals who don't care what hurt they cause or who they hurt.

They don't deserve to be a part of your child's life, he is far better off without nasty individuals like those.

Skibunny77

OP, I'd agree with the other suggestions. Bring your mother only to the christening. If your partner posted here with the scenario you have described, you can be sure that everyone would be advising him to tell you to put your foot down with the family. Why should he and his family be subjected to such appalling behaviour? Why should your child as he/she grows up become aware that his/her father is not considered worthy of respect by your family? I would tell your father and siblings calmly, that you disagree with their perspective, that it is hurtful and you understand you cannot change it, so unfortunately you will need to remove yourself from certain situations and will be unable to have them along to important occasions in your life and this means they will miss milestones in your child's life. Highlight that you wouldn't allow anyone treat them as they have treated your partner. One conversation and leave it. Protect your own unit, it is of vital importance that you protect your partner and child in this scenario. If you don't, resentment and discord will breed. Highly likely your child in years to come would be disappointed in you, if he/she didn't see you protect his/her dad from such terrible behaviour.

December2012

keelee wrote: »

.... she found that incredibly difficult. I don't want to put her through that again.

You aren't putting her through anything. Your dad is. And he has played a devious trick in getting you to adapt your mindset to blame yourselves and each other for things HE has a problem with.

He does it. Not you.

LegacyUser

Uness I've missed it, you don't seem to have sat down with your dad and asked him what the **** his problem is. Take your poor mother out of the middle, you're an adult, tackle him and don't come away without a proper answer.

Ursus Horribilis

keelee wrote: »

I didn't think of it that way but you certainly could have a point. He's fairly wealthy and that brings a status of its own.

It would appear that being wealthy has helped turn your father into arrogant bully. One who's answerable to nobody. The way he has treated your partner is appalling but I'm shocked at what he did to you when you fell pregnant. Looking for that deposit money back really was kicking you when you were down and about the lowest thing he could've done. Really, he wasn't much better than those families who threw out pregnant daughters on their ears years ago. I know quite a few conservative people (including my own aunts and uncles) who've changed their tune considerably when marriage breakdowns and single parenthood and the likes came to their own doorsteps. It's a sad indictment of the sort of person your father is that he has continued to bully you even though you have now given him a grandchild.

You'd not be human if you didn't want your parents approval. After all, it's what's hard-wired into most of us. It doesn't matter if you're 5 or 45 in that regard. It's great that your mum has come around but you're going to have to accept that your father's not for turning. I really wonder how different things would've been with your siblings if your father wasn't such an overpowering presence in your family. My gut is telling me that even though you're all grown up, he is still someone who calls an awful lot of shots in your family. I wonder are some of your siblings worried that if they upset father dearest, that he'll be putting his hand out and looking for money back from them too... Or that he'll bully them in the way he bullies you and your partner?

I agree with the person who said it's up to you to protect your family unit. Neither your partner nor your child deserve to be treated in the way your father has seen fit to treat ye. My guess is that your partner has put up with far more than he should've done just for your sake. It is time to draw a line in the sand though and this christening is as good a place as any to start. Surround yourself with people who will make you feel better, not ones who'll upset you. If that means just having your mum at the christening, so be it.

from_atozinc

Does you father not like your partner because he is a foreigner ??

daisybelle2008

keelee wrote: »

he demanded the return of the deposit he had loaned me for buying my house ten years ago

keelee wrote: »

Thanks that sounds like good advice. It's been causing a lot of problems between my partner and I in recent days so I think you are right I need to concentrate on my own unit and stop trying to please people

OP if it was a loan, why haven't you paid him back after 10 years?.
It honestly sounds like money, status and appearances are more important than your well being. I wouldn't like to be beholden to someone like that and would gladly give it back and not give an opportunity for it to be thrown in my face years later...especially if it wasn't a gift.

Have your parents/family always been over involved in your life and choices? Have you always tried to please them or get a lot of advise/direction from them? It just really sounds like they feel they are in a position to have a lot more control/influence in your life than is natural for a woman in her forties.
Have you been a little dependent on them and they are not used to this new autonomy? It sounds like there had been a lot of conditions to how you behave and you have acquiesced to them, now they are trained to expect you to act a certain way. You mention people pleasing, I think that has been your problem. If you live your life that way people continue to expect it.

homerjay2005

from_atozinc wrote: »

Does you father not like your partner because he is a foreigner ??

this was my first reaction also...

i say this as somebody who has been in a relationship with my missus for 8 years and she is a foreigner..she is welcomed by everybody in my life and family,but i can see that some older generations may not be comfortable with it in some cases.

keelee

StripedBoxers wrote: »

If I was in your situation I would invite my mother of course, but as for the dad and siblings, I would tell them they aren't invited and until they change their behaviour towards your partner then they can stay away from you both and your family unit for good. I would tell dad the same.

How very dare they treat your partner and childs father like that, they are people you don't need in your life. They sound like toxic individuals who don't care what hurt they cause or who they hurt.

They don't deserve to be a part of your child's life, he is far better off without nasty individuals like those.

Thanks for the reply. You have captured my feelings very well there. I'm so furious with them for behaving like this towards my child's dad. It is all so unnecessary and serves no purpose other than to inflict pain and misery.

Why they wouldn't want to just pass themselves in public and get on with things for my sake and that of the baby I'll never understand. I'm not asking them to be best mates or even to like him but just for simple civility. You wouldn't think it would be such a big ask.

keelee

Skibunny77 wrote: »

OP, I'd agree with the other suggestions. Bring your mother only to the christening. If your partner posted here with the scenario you have described, you can be sure that everyone would be advising him to tell you to put your foot down with the family. Why should he and his family be subjected to such appalling behaviour? Why should your child as he/she grows up become aware that his/her father is not considered worthy of respect by your family? I would tell your father and siblings calmly, that you disagree with their perspective, that it is hurtful and you understand you cannot change it, so unfortunately you will need to remove yourself from certain situations and will be unable to have them along to important occasions in your life and this means they will miss milestones in your child's life. Highlight that you wouldn't allow anyone treat them as they have treated your partner. One conversation and leave it. Protect your own unit, it is of vital importance that you protect your partner and child in this scenario. If you don't, resentment and discord will breed. Highly likely your child in years to come would be disappointed in you, if he/she didn't see you protect his/her dad from such terrible behaviour.

Thanks for the reply. I agree 100% that it's my new family unit that need to be protected here.

I like your idea of a one time only conversation. It sounds so rational and calm, I think I will leave it for a few more days tho as my emotions are running high right now and I don't want to et emotional when I'm dealing with this. Cool calm and collected is the approach needed but that is some very helpful advice. Thanks so much.

Emme

OP, you aren't going to like this. Your father is a bullying narcissist and your mother is an (albeit unwitting) enabler. Your siblings have identified with your father because it benefits them. You may be the rebel of the family who hasn't followed the party line and done things the way your parents expected.

Your father might have liked you to marry somebody wealthy from his sailing/golf club or the son of one of his friends. You might have done this and ended up miserable but stayed in the marriage for the sake of propriety like (dare I say it) your mother.

Instead you met a good partner you cared for. You didn't care about money or status but the person. This is major progress on your part considering your background. Your child is lucky to be born to parents with such a positive mindset and to have one set of accepting grandparents.

You are a parent now. If your father isn't willing to accept your child why should you be willing to accept him?

Ask your parents and siblings to the christening ceremony and they can't say they weren't asked. If they want to let themselves down in church that's their problem. Tell your mother there's going to be a celebration afterwards and she is welcome to come if she wishes. It's up to her if she wants to stand her ground with your father and say she's going. If she doesn't go because of his wishes that's her lookout.

I feel sorry for your mother but she's d@mned if she does and d@mned if she doesn't. If she attends the christening celebration she'll face recriminations from your father. If she doesn't attend she'll be heartbroken because she missed it. Either way she loses which isn't fair because your father's attitude is the problem.

Your first responsibility is to your child and your partner now. Their needs and happiness come first. You will never please your father and you can only do a certain amount for your mother because her loyalty will always remain with your father.

Start as you mean to go with the christening and put your child and your partner first.

Paddy Cow

Emme wrote: »

Ask your parents and siblings to the christening ceremony and they can't say they weren't asked. If they want to let themselves down in church that's their problem. Tell your mother there's going to be a celebration afterwards and she is welcome to come if she wishes. It's up to her if she wants to stand her ground with your father and say she's going. If she doesn't go because of his wishes that's her lookout.

I second this. Ask them all and tell them that you are having a family dinner afterwards and need to know who will be coming as you have to verify numbers. This puts them on the spot. If they refuse, they look like ar€eholes and then you have clear grounds to cut them out. If you don't ask them and go so far as to tell them they are not invited, they will forever use it as a stick to beat you with.

They are used to you trying to please everyone and use this kindness on your part as a means to bully you. If you are assertive with them and give them a date by which they need to reply to your invitation, then you know in advance who will and won't be coming and it will be a weight lifted off your shoulders.

You and your partner have done nothing wrong here and if it wasn't for your mother I'd say feck the lot of them but by giving them one last chance you absolve yourself of their bullsh!t. If they don't come you can walk away knowing you did everything you could and they can't ever claim that you were the cause of a family rift. Either way it will give you and your partner closure.

If they do come do you think your father will be better behaved with all your partners family there? A lot of the time people like your father are bull thick in private but act differently when there's lots of other people around.

strandroad

Paddy Cow wrote: »

I second this. Ask them all and tell them that you are having a family dinner afterwards and need to know who will be coming as you have to verify numbers. This puts them on the spot. If they refuse, they look like ar€eholes and then you have clear grounds to cut them out. If you don't ask them and go so far as to tell them they are not invited, they will forever use it as a stick to beat you with.

Brilliant advice.

keelee

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

keelee wrote: »

I didn't think of it that way but you certainly could have a point. He's fairly wealthy and that brings a status of its own.

It would appear that being wealthy has helped turn your father into arrogant bully. One who's answerable to nobody. The way he has treated your partner is appalling but I'm shocked at what he did to you when you fell pregnant. Looking for that deposit money back really was kicking you when you were down and about the lowest thing he could've done. Really, he wasn't much better than those families who threw out pregnant daughters on their ears years ago. I know quite a few conservative people (including my own aunts and uncles) who've changed their tune considerably when marriage breakdowns and single parenthood and the likes came to their own doorsteps. It's a sad indictment of the sort of person your father is that he has continued to bully you even though you have now given him a grandchild.

You'd not be human if you didn't want your parents approval. After all, it's what's hard-wired into most of us. It doesn't matter if you're 5 or 45 in that regard. It's great that your mum has come around but you're going to have to accept that your father's not for turning. I really wonder how different things would've been with your siblings if your father wasn't such an overpowering presence in your family. My gut is telling me that even though you're all grown up, he is still someone who calls an awful lot of shots in your family. I wonder are some of your siblings worried that if they upset father dearest, that he'll be putting his hand out and looking for money back from them too... Or that he'll bully them in the way he bullies you and your partner?

I agree with the person who said it's up to you to protect your family unit. Neither your partner nor your child deserve to be treated in the way your father has seen fit to treat ye. My guess is that your partner has put up with far more than he should've done just for your sake. It is time to draw a line in the sand though and this christening is as good a place as any to start. Surround yourself with people who will make you feel better, not ones who'll upset you. If that means just having your mum at the christening, so be it.

You are so right, about everything really. He has always been driven by money. Nothing matters more to him and when he requested repayment it was probably the only thing he could think of that would hurt. Needless to say it wasn't a simple request it came with the barbed remarks about how that @& @* was living in a house he paid for. I was livid given he had merely loaned me less than 8% so hardly his house but there you go. It's an example of his thinking. That's what I'm dealing with - so certainly highly aggressive in private but as another wise responder here said in public he's so different (at least around people he cares about).

keelee

Paddy Cow wrote: »

Emme wrote: »

Ask your parents and siblings to the christening ceremony and they can't say they weren't asked. If they want to let themselves down in church that's their problem. Tell your mother there's going to be a celebration afterwards and she is welcome to come if she wishes. It's up to her if she wants to stand her ground with your father and say she's going. If she doesn't go because of his wishes that's her lookout.

I second this. Ask them all and tell them that you are having a family dinner afterwards and need to know who will be coming as you have to verify numbers. This puts them on the spot. If they refuse, they look like ar eholes and then you have clear grounds to cut them out. If you don't ask them and go so far as to tell them they are not invited, they will forever use it as a stick to beat you with.

They are used to you trying to please everyone and use this kindness on your part as a means to bully you. If you are assertive with them and give them a date by which they need to reply to your invitation, then you know in advance who will and won't be coming and it will be a weight lifted off your shoulders.

You and your partner have done nothing wrong here and if it wasn't for your mother I'd say feck the lot of them but by giving them one last chance you absolve yourself of their bullsh!t. If they don't come you can walk away knowing you did everything you could and they can't ever claim that you were the cause of a family rift. Either way it will give you and your partner closure.

If they do come do you think your father will be better behaved with all your partners family there? A lot of the time people like your father are bull thick in private but act differently when there's lots of other people around.

Thanks for your reply. You sound very wise! I like this idea because I do feel as tho if I don't ask them it will be brought up at every possible future opportunity. And as you say by extending the invitation I can really do no more.

I definitely do think that if my father appears he will be well behaved because he is something of a street Angel in that regard. On his own turf he's quite happy to be rude and aggressive but in public I do feel it would be different- well certainly as far as my partners family goes. I feel he will simply keep his distance from my partner on the day be all jam to the family and when they leave he will go back to his usual attitude.

I can live with that I guess but it incenses me that my partner be subjected to it. I live in hope that he will mellow because if he doesn't he will definitely lose out on knowing his grandchild properly. While I will always bring the child to visit granny, grandad up to now tends to make himself scarce when we visit.

keelee

December2012 wrote: »

keelee wrote: »

.... she found that incredibly difficult. I don't want to put her through that again.

You aren't putting her through anything. Your dad is. And he has played a devious trick in getting you to adapt your mindset to blame yourselves and each other for things HE has a problem with.

He does it. Not you.

Excellent observation!

keelee

Guessed wrote: »

Uness I've missed it, you don't seem to have sat down with your dad and asked him what the **** his problem is. Take your poor mother out of the middle, you're an adult, tackle him and don't come away without a proper answer.

Oh believe me I have tried but he refuses to engage in conversation about this and instead rages and all I get is a litany of rubbish reasons that pretty much amount to the notion that he's not good enough.

keelee

from_atozinc wrote: »

Does you father not like your partner because he is a foreigner ??

No that's not it- he's Irish it's just that his family retired abroad...

keelee

No to be honest that's not it either. I've always been strong and independent (once I got a decent job obviously!)

It's just that I think they are the kind of parents that are heavily involved. I've often wished I had moved away from the place I live and settled elsewhere. They know too much about my life.

Their behaviour is a protection thing (I think). When we first got together things were a bit messy after about 6 months and we parted ways for a couple of weeks. I was upset and confided in my family. It's my fault really because it seems they took the information and ran with it. The knife was firmly inserted in his back at that point and they refuse to remove it all these years later.

December2012

Can you pay him back?

daisybelle2008

December2012 wrote: »

Can you pay him back?

Definitely, if it was a loan ten years ago. The very fact he is throwing it in your face and thinks he part owns your house because if it, I'm surprised you wouldn't have paid him back long ago. You need to show much more emotional and financial independence from your family. Have you given it back to him yet?

Big Bag of Chips

keelee wrote: »

I can live with that I guess but it incenses me that my partner be subjected to it.

I think, seeing as your partner will be directly affected by their behaviour, either on the day or afterwards when it becomes business as usual with them, that he should get a say in whether or not they get an invite.

I can see the argument for being the bigger person, but when being the bigger person is affecting someone else then I think they should get the final say. It would sicken me to play happy families all for show for 1 day, knowing exactly the true feelings of everyone involved. It's a tricky situation, OP, and one where you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. So ultimately you should make the correct decision for you and your family (partner and baby).


Edit:
I missed this bit

keelee wrote: »

When we first got together things were a bit messy after about 6 months and we parted ways for a couple of weeks. I was upset and confided in my family. It's my fault really because it seems they took the information and ran with it. The knife was firmly inserted in his back at that point and they refuse to remove it all these years later.

Absolutely this is where it is coming from. Families don't forgive and forget too easily. They are not part of your relationship. They don't know the daily small details that make your relationship good. And because they are not part of your relationship, they aren't as inclined to forgive. I think there probably is a case of you all being far too involved in each other's lives. Because of how your relationship started off, your father is probably unlikely to ever change his opinion of your partner. What's done is done now and you can't go back and change it. But you need to show your family that you are independent from them. And that includes financially.

tara73

keelee wrote: »

Their behaviour is a protection thing (I think). When we first got together things were a bit messy after about 6 months and we parted ways for a couple of weeks. I was upset and confided in my family. It's my fault really because it seems they took the information and ran with it. The knife was firmly inserted in his back at that point and they refuse to remove it all these years later.

do you mind telling us what happened? your fathers reaction to your partner is a very strong one, I have a feeling there's more to the story than just 'he's not good enough' in a sense 'he's not as wealthy as your father'. I think it's important to get the whole picture here. Your partner might have done something you decided to forgive him for but your father has a different opinion about it and can't oversee it.

For example, if your partner cheated on you in the first 6 month you were together (I 'm not saying he did, just as an example!), and you decided to forgive him, I can kind of understand your father can't.

You said yourself in an earlier post his reasons are protection, that deepens my guess your father has kind of a reason to resent your partner.

littelady

Hi OP, I dont want to cause you upset but im going to come from a different angle,we all have friends who are married to pricks and we wonder why does the lovely spouse put up with it. Could your partner be a bit of a prick and you are oblivious to it all. To me your dad and your family would only have your best interests at heart maybe they find him to be a freeloader or maybe they dont like how he treated his first wife, whatever. I think you need to talk to your family and maybe you will find you had the blinkers on ...i do hope im wrong thou but my family would only want the best for me.

Wompa1

Emme wrote: »

Your first responsibility is to your child and your partner now. Their needs and happiness come first. You will never please your father and you can only do a certain amount for your mother because her loyalty will always remain with your father.

Start as you mean to go with the christening and put your child and your partner first.

THIS x 1000

My dad is a narcissistic control freak. My wife doesn't like the way he treats me or the way he treats her. Trying to force her to go to certain places he suggests, watch certain shows and movies etc. and when she doesn't go for it he get all worked up and throws a hissy fit. He also parades us to his siblings.

I want to move home to Ireland. I'll be moving pretty far away from them and I plan on avoiding most family occasions. Particularly those with extended family. I'm not getting into that small village mindset BS again that's for sure!