How to deal with heartbreak one year on?

Hokuto

Hi mods, if this is the incorrect thread do not hesitate to place it in its home...
I broke up with my boyfriend one year ago and I still not over him. The breakup was weird. I was happy initialy but gradually the anger simmered. Then exploded and simmered again. It never left. I have tried all the distractions. Meeting new people, hobbies, travel, family, music. Even immersing myself in work and doing overtime.
The thoughts of him are still in my head and it's driving me nuts. He was a sociopathic emotionally manipulative person who flirts with women openly. I have no fond feelings whatsoever for my ex and I have a lot of anger for him as he took me for granted after what I have done for him. My anger was so intense that I have forgotten a lot of fond memories that we shared together. You know how the way trauma blocks extremely painful memories?
I used to be happy and enjoyed life a lot more. I noticed the change in my personality, shy, withdrawn, introverted and not wanting to go out (partly because hating to bump into him in the city centre). I wasn't the same as I was before because of my anger for this person.
Do not suggest me to forgive him. I have tried loads of times and the anger is still there. Ditto meditation and mindfulness. Short lived relationships afterwards drained me so I was very reluctant to start a new relationship.
I just don't know what to do there is something wrong with me. I despise this person and I just want him to get out of my head. I just want to move on with my life. Let me reiterate again that I do not want to get back together with him and I have no fond feelings whatsoever.
Any advice or suggestions would be helpful. Thanks for reading this wall of text. Feel free to PM me too. Have a good day.

Ignatius in bloom

Forgiving him is part of the healing. The anger and resentment you are feeling is purely because you have not gotten over him and that is not the same as wanting to get back with him or being in love with him it simply means the effect and cause of how you feel is still rooted in that relationship.

You cannot control others personalities and what they do or don't do but you can control and take charge of how you feel and how you go from point A to point B.

The light at the end of the tunnel begins when you realise who you are and how you want to be treated and most importantly what you want not just out of a relationship but out of life and then you can begin to seek those things.

Anger is real and it can be justified but it's also an exhausting and destructive emotion that feeling left to fester can not only ruin your life but also make you miss out on some beautiful experiences so it's better to release that anger and move on and how you do that is by accepting that person and how they are and not only exonerating them but also ask yourself the questions that matter.

Why did you put up with that behaviour for a year?

What kept you in a relationship that obviously lacked respect for you and your boundaries?

How do I recognise those things next time so I know when to cut short a relationship that doesn't treat me with the same respect and love?

How do I find my own fulfilment so I'm not relying on someone else to give it to me?

Life is really about choices and questions and sometimes in relationships they are the hardest ones to make or ask but sometimes they are vital to our own set of values and self worth.

Instead of anger a good belief to have is that this guy did you a favour and that someone's who wants to be with you is out there and when you are ready you will be ready tolook for him.

Virgil°

I think one of the key things here would be the length of the relationship. Sorry if you mentioned how long I didnt catch it.

Relationships can take a while to get over and I'd say it wouldn't be uncommon for a LTR to take a year or more, it can't be rushed. The negative emotions can be amplified if you weren't treated well as it sounds like you were not.
For example it took me 8-10 months to get over a 6 month relationship once upon a time. Rather than breaking up with me herself she treated me like a dog in an attempt to bait me into pulling the trigger. That was only a half year relationship and it took more than that to finally not care anymore.

I'd say more important than forgiving this guy(I personally wouldn't bother trying) is forgiving yourself for allowing yourself to be treated worse than you deserve.

It might do you good to speak to a counselor about this if its sticking in your mind too much. All the best OP.

Emmadilema123

To add to the advice already given, I would recommend a change of scenery. A big trip. Somewhere far away that you have always wanted to go. Trip of a lifetime. If you can't go now, throw yourself into the planning of it. A change is as good as a rest and sometimes to see the bigger picture, you have to actually step out of it to get a good look. Best of luck with everything!

Skibunny77

Op, I'm sorry to read what a tough time you have been going through, but honestly, I think a lot of this is processing - you reacting to the end of a relationship which sounded very toxic. Be kind to yourself, acknowledge the hurt that goes along with anger, you were let down badly in this relationship. In some ways, you've been trying to push through those feelings, occupying yourself, trying to be okay again. Honestly, find space in your life to feel your anger and hurt preferably with the support of a counsellor. Look in a safe space at what went on the relationship and the emotional price you paid. Often when we are in something toxic, we are just surviving. It's when these relationships end that people finally feel for themselves and experience the distress that was suppressed. Be kind to yourself, find a counsellor and just be where you're at for now. It won't always feel this way.

Sunflower 27

Hokuto wrote: »

Hi mods, if this is the incorrect thread do not hesitate to place it in its home...
I broke up with my boyfriend one year ago and I still not over him. The breakup was weird. I was happy initialy but gradually the anger simmered. Then exploded and simmered again. It never left. I have tried all the distractions. Meeting new people, hobbies, travel, family, music. Even immersing myself in work and doing overtime.
The thoughts of him are still in my head and it's driving me nuts. He was a sociopathic emotionally manipulative person who flirts with women openly. I have no fond feelings whatsoever for my ex and I have a lot of anger for him as he took me for granted after what I have done for him. My anger was so intense that I have forgotten a lot of fond memories that we shared together. You know how the way trauma blocks extremely painful memories?
I used to be happy and enjoyed life a lot more. I noticed the change in my personality, shy, withdrawn, introverted and not wanting to go out (partly because hating to bump into him in the city centre). I wasn't the same as I was before because of my anger for this person.
Do not suggest me to forgive him. I have tried loads of times and the anger is still there. Ditto meditation and mindfulness. Short lived relationships afterwards drained me so I was very reluctant to start a new relationship.
I just don't know what to do there is something wrong with me. I despise this person and I just want him to get out of my head. I just want to move on with my life. Let me reiterate again that I do not want to get back together with him and I have no fond feelings whatsoever.
Any advice or suggestions would be helpful. Thanks for reading this wall of text. Feel free to PM me too. Have a good day.

Your anger is keeping you trapped in this mindset. I think talking to a counsellor could be really helpful.

You can control your thoughts with a bit of practice. You will heal eventually if you decide he is not worthy of any emotion, including anger. Remind yourself when you think of him that you are the one suffering now, not him. He's off living his life. It's time for you to re-engage with yours.

There may even be anger at yourself for allowing yourself to be manipulated and treated badly. A good counsellor will help you identify all this.

You can do this.

DukeOfTheSharp

Ok, forget forgiveness, in my experience, it never works. And that anger is only ever going to be amplified by the fact that he took you for granted and left a pretty huge emotional scar. Obviously there's a lot of emotional turmoil and you've tried some things, but you need to do what I did and speak to a counselor. Your main issue is that you can't express that emotion at your ex, he's buggered off, and you've been left feeling angry and lessened by the experience, and I get this. The thing is, toxic people do that, hell I'm out of something terrible nearly a year and the thought of any relationship still drains me - and I've had counselling. That's normal, it takes time to heal, depending on how the person acted towards you, certain things you may have not said stick in your mind. Unfortunately that's human nature.

Something important to note is that you never 'let' this happen to you: relationships are 50-50, and you can't hold yourself accountable for when someone else does something wrong, nor can you change their attitude or make them more considerate, that doesn't happen. You've used a lot of bits and pieces to cobble together some form of recovery, but without proper counselling it's all useless, because you're not dealing with the stuff that's causing the problems - it's like putting a plaster over a severed limb. Take your time and don't buy into that forgiveness guff that literally everyone peddles post-breakup; the thought that you have to jettison your feelings to feel 'healthy' is actually incredibly unhealthy, makes people get into the same kinds of relationships over and over again, and if you genuinely can't then you're going to feel 100% worse for 'failing' at that. You don't have to forgive someone, but you can learn how to forget about them and move forward with your life, learning about yourself and what you want and need from another human being. Take your time OP, this isn't ever easy, but you can get past it.