How to ask him if he was unfaithful

Karacity

Was in a relationship with this guy for around seven months, we were (I thought) very into one another and happy. However, I was offered an incredible job opportunity in Canada five months in and we agreed we were not up to long distance, saying our goodbyes the night before I left.
Recently I got a facebook message from a mutual acquaintance of ours saying that he had started sleeping with a close friend of hers (his ex) in the last few months. I keep going back and forth on this as the mutual acquaintance is no fan of mine and a known **** stirrer but, I keep on ruminating on things seeing possible signs.
Judging from the ex in questions behavior I would say it's a possibility though he never gave me much reason to think he was dishonest.
I realise most would think the best thing to do is drop it and move on but, my personality is such that I will ruminate on this indefinitely if I feel I don't know the truth. I'd like to stress again it would be nearly impossible for me to make peace with this without getting his side of the story. As I know I'll torture myself over this until I come to a conclusion how do you advise confrontation? I figure me being on a different continent he has little to lose by telling the truth.

baby and crumble

But you broke up? Or is this person telling you he cheated on you while you were together and still in the country?

bmwguy

Did your acquaintance say he was sleeping with her friend before or after you said your goodbyes? Just not 100% clear.

Probably before since you are upset.

Either way I'd say drop it, you might not get the closure you want anyway.

I was in a similar situation before, the young lady in question seemed to be moved on very quickly (a few days) after I broke up with her (i suspected something was up so I ended things) but I never pursued it.

Karacity

Oh yeah sorry I should have made that clear - in the last few months I was here and we were together she was saying.

Idle Passerby

Your broken up though, it's none of your business who he sleeps with. Unless I'm picking it up wrong.

pookie82

You could just ask him?

"Hey, X has come to me with something odd, wanted to run it by you. She reckons you slept with Y while we were still together. Can you confirm or deny? I realise we're done now and such is life, but I would like to know and would hope you'd have enough respect for what we were to be honest with me now".

It's up to him to decide whether or not he comes clean. Would you believe him anyway, if he said no? What if he says no and you still doubt him? How far are you willing to take your investigations?

There's a lot to be said for chalking it up to a bad experience and moving on. He may or may not have cheated but either way is gone from your life now, as I read it. Any point in going over old ground?

Are you guys trying to maintain a friendship/still in touch? If so, I can see why you might want this clarified. If not, though, I think I'd leave it be.

intheclouds

I think youd be better off focusing your energy into trying to heal yourself from being someone who would ruminate over such a thing indefinitely.

Maybe he did, maybe he didnt. As ye are no longer in a relationship with him its largely irrelevant. Sure, it might make you look back at the relationship differently, but ultimately that is it - its the difference between remembering a relationship somewhat fondly and remembering it and shuddering.

I simply cannot see any positive outcome in you knowing if it is true or not? To know its true will pour cold water over your memories, to know it isnt will pour cold water over your view of the stirrer.

Why NOT just drop it?

Just to add - if you DO ask him (regardless of whether or not it is true), he will want to know what made you ask, at which point YOU become the stirrer if you tell. Theres really nothing to be gained here.

Karacity

I get what people are saying I just think it's only human to want to know the truth. If it was a trusted friend that would be it case closed and move on. However I know this girl enjoys creating needless drama. We have mutual friends so I'd prefer not to have this hanging over my head every time I come home. I guess even if it's true I'd rather hear it from him than someone else. My dilemma is more how to approach asking without making this any bigger than it needs to be.

Sapphire

Karacity wrote: »

I realise most would think the best thing to do is drop it and move on but, my personality is such that I will ruminate on this indefinitely if I feel I don't know the truth. I'd like to stress again it would be nearly impossible for me to make peace with this without getting his side of the story. As I know I'll torture myself over this until I come to a conclusion how do you advise confrontation? I figure me being on a different continent he has little to lose by telling the truth.

With respect, you need to work on this for yourself. He might never give you a satisfactory answer. . Life just doesn't work like that and your logic of you being miles away making it easier for him to admit an infidelity is flawed. Generally people rarely admit infidelity and even then they usually only admit it to the extent of what can be proven. You are unlikely to get an affirmative answer from him. Which will leave you back to where you are now with an allegation from someone you consider untrustworthy.

What is more concerning is that you say that you'd just be obsessed with the idea of it until you get an explanation. You brush it away as a personality quirk but it's not. Throughout your life you wont always get answers to your questions or even be entitled to them. It would be a far healthier strategy for you to seek counselling to address why you would ruminate endlessly over an ex potentially cheating ages ago in what appears to be a very short lived and non-committal romance.

faceman

With respect, the only person making a big thing out of this is you OP. You were only with him 7 months and the relationship wasn't solid enough to prevent a mutual break up so that you could take a role abroad.

You will only ever find closure from within, not from any other external factors.

Also, your friend who sent you a fb message is an idiot. I don't get people who get off on causing trouble like that.

Focus on you and your future. Best of luck.

batmanrobin

Unfortunately for you, OP, he doesn't have to give you any answers. He doesn't actually owe you anything now that you're broken up. Especially as the relationship has been so short lived.

Look I'd be a lot like you in that I'd ruminate to an unhealthy degree about stuff like this too. And I would hound people for the truth. My logic being that once I know the truth I can properly move on.

But looking back over the last few years, I've come to realise how unhealthy it is. Not to mention how un-empowering it is. You're placing your ability to find peace and move on from things in other people's hands. It can't be that way.

Use this experience to break this cycle. It's remarkably liberating.

LegacyUser

How do you know that he'd tell you the truth? There's 5 possibilities:

1. He could lie and say that he didn't do the dirt (easier outcome for him, if he was unfaithful).
2. He could tell truth and say he did it.
3. He could lie and say that he did (if he just wants to get rid of you out of his life).
4. He could tell the truth and say that he didn't do it.
5. He could just ignore you, for any of the above reasons, or because he doesnt want to know you anymore, or doesn't care what you think

How will you know which of the above is the 'real' truth. And will him answering you - or ignoring you - stop you obsessing about this?