Explosive tantrums - whats normal?

Cunning Stunt

Hi,
As the title suggests, our 2.5 yr old son has been exhibiting tantrums for at least 8 months now every time we think hes finally growing out of it, he has another period of meltdowns. This week has started off particularly bad. Tantrums when going to daycare, tantrums when leaving daycare, tantrums because we tell him his dinner is ready (?) and a huge whopper of a meltdown this evening while in the shower getting his hair washed. That one lasted right through being dried off (like trying to keep hold of a wet angry fish! ) , getting dressed for bed, all the way up to being put to bed, where he continued to scream and kick the wall. Hes calm now finally, listening to a bedtime story from daddy.
Have the good people of boards any good news for me? How long more should this last on average - and in your experiences, do these tantrums sound normal? Thanks

Shint0

Are there any other behaviours you have observed that you might be concerned about or is that it?

Cunning Stunt

Thats it really, thst we can see anyway - do you have an example of what else should we be looking out for?
Family tell us its normal, it will pass, but when he is mid-meltdown its a scary thing to behold! He can scream so loud, it hurts the ears

Shint0

Any type of impulsive behaviour? Knocking into things? Reactions to overstimulation/noise etc? Interaction with other kids? Would you feel the tantrums are disproportionate compared to even other children his age?

Of course it could be just a phase and he will grow out of it but it's always good to be on the lookout for other behaviours if one type of behaviour seems a bit over the top and it concerns you.

Cunning Stunt

Thanks for the reply. Everything else seems relatively normal - we had an evaluation from his childminder and a therapist recently (normal procedure where we live!) and she confirmed that he is good at interacting with the other kids and seems happy in himself, which is the impression we get also.
Some days there are no tantrums - but when he has one, you can be sure more will follow over the next few days - it seems to come in waves
It's probably unrealistic for me to expect you guys online to know if its normal or not either, without being in the situation - but would be nice to hear from others who have been through this. It's hard to retain your sanity sometimes, especially when his baby sister gets upset because big brother won't stop screaming

Mink

It sounds like everything else okay (ie no major red flags - you'd know if there were or else the health professionals would during assessment).

Sounds pretty normal, maybe he's having a few more than other kids & maybe they're a bit louder/scarier than with other kids.

I do remember the tantrums easing off a good bit between 2.5 and 3/3.5. Prior to that there were some days he'd lose the plot a few times a day, sometimes only once or twice a week. He hurt my ears but I've seen kids really turning into utterly crazed banshees, so there's different levels of it.

Anyway, if it's going on 8mths, you might not see a big difference til closer to 3. The more I could reason with him, the easier it got. He's nearly 4 now and I don't remember the last major-major meltdown, just a couple 30 second mini ones when he was tired/ out of routine etc.

cbyrd

My youngest son is a meltdown artist. The triggers I look for are hunger and tiredness. He can and has screamed for hours, I've had to walk away. Never done it outside the house though, his Montessori teachers think he's an angel .
The battle of the bold step lasted for almost 2 hours one night.
Since my partner came into our lives he's settled a lot. I had great advice and support from him on not giving in to the screaming and headbutting .
Now when he's overwhelmed he will take himself to his bed have a screech and a cry and calm himself, he'll be 5 in October. It's mainly when he's hungry, or almost hungry, sometimes a spoon of honey will settle him to eat his dinner.

The biggest thing is to hold firm without losing your temper, ignore the bad behaviour and when he comes around give him lots of praise for coming around. It's important that you don't bargain or try to reason with him while he's mid-tantrum. Any attention is likely to promote his behaviour. Try to explain to him during quiet time how it affects you and makes sad when he behaves like this.
There's no behaviour like it to make you feel so inadequate.. but remember he's the child. The quicker you show him you won't tolerate this the quicker he'll learn.
Good luck.. I know your journey!

LegacyUser

You haven't heard screaming til you hear my little one scream!! She's two, and my god, she would shatter glass. She's been like that since she was a baby! She renders entire rooms full of people silent with one shriek, it's mortifying. Worse, she likes to try it out in big spaces like churches or shopping centres, to test the acoustics.....you can feel your eardrums vibrate when she shrieks.

Anyway, bottom line for us is watch the triggers. Hunger - feed every 3 hours in this house! Either a meal or a small sandwich or grapes or raisins. The hunger is the big one because you are never quite sure when they're hungry and the next thing is a meltdown. Tiredness is the other, although that can be a bit more obvious to spot.

I find also if you change activity very suddenly, they don't cope well. So like you say, she'd be in the childminders all day and you come to pick her up, and if I do it quickly - like pop in in a hurry and rush back out again with her - it's a surefire recipe for several meltdowns when we get home. Also things like suddenly whisking to the table for dinner if they're engrossed in something. I usually give her several warnings - as in, I'll say to her several times "we're having dinner in a minute" or something to that effect. If she's watching TV at the time, I'll always say "TV is going off now, ready? 1, 2 3..." and switch it off. She doesn't love it, but she's got mental prep time!!!

As someone else said - I don't give in. Her tantrums don't generally go on too long because she knows she's going nowhere with them. Generally, I ignore and get on with what I'm doing. If she's having serious issues I'll stop and tell her to stop being silly, she can (for example) either hold my hand or get in the buggy. Never more than 2 choices. Ever (they can't cope with anything else). Or I'll offer her food if it's been a while since she ate, which usually stops her in her tracks too! But the biggest thing is not to give in, not to over-react yourself and not to spend a load of time placating them. Deep breaths are required sometimes, but if you keep calm and keep reminding yourself that the REAL cause is that they're hungry/tired/having fun doing what they're doing and don't want to stop, then you can hang in there

And if worse comes to worst - tomorrow is another day

tickingclock

As someone else said - I don't give in. Her tantrums don't generally go on too long because she knows she's going nowhere with them. Generally, I ignore and get on with what I'm doing. If she's having serious issues I'll stop and tell her to stop being silly, she can (for example) either hold my hand or get in the buggy. Never more than 2 choices. Ever (they can't cope with anything else). Or I'll offer her food if it's been a while since she ate, which usually stops her in her tracks too! But the biggest thing is not to give in, not to over-react yourself and not to spend a load of time placating them. Deep breaths are required sometimes, but if you keep calm and keep reminding yourself that the REAL cause is that they're hungry/tired/having fun doing what they're doing and don't want to stop, then you can hang in there


And if worse comes to worst - tomorrow is another day [/quote]


That's great advice. I'd a full blown meltdown in Tesco today as I wouldn't buy my toddler Peppa Pig yoghurts. I could see other customers throwing me dirty looks but I don't give in no matter where it is. In the long run its easier she understands she can't get her own way with everything in life!

tickingclock

As someone else said - I don't give in. Her tantrums don't generally go on too long because she knows she's going nowhere with them. Generally, I ignore and get on with what I'm doing. If she's having serious issues I'll stop and tell her to stop being silly, she can (for example) either hold my hand or get in the buggy. Never more than 2 choices. Ever (they can't cope with anything else). Or I'll offer her food if it's been a while since she ate, which usually stops her in her tracks too! But the biggest thing is not to give in, not to over-react yourself and not to spend a load of time placating them. Deep breaths are required sometimes, but if you keep calm and keep reminding yourself that the REAL cause is that they're hungry/tired/having fun doing what they're doing and don't want to stop, then you can hang in there


And if worse comes to worst - tomorrow is another day [/quote]


That's great advice. I'd a full blown meltdown in Tesco today as I wouldn't buy my toddler Peppa Pig yoghurts. I could see other customers throwing me dirty looks but I don't give in no matter where it is. In the long run its easier she understands she can't get her own way with everything in life!

evolving_doors

Ya the terrible two. It was wrecking our heads until we realised it was just hunger. I think they were so distracted in the creche (and food was minimal) that when the kid came home the hunger hit and he went nuts. Now it's a bit of a race to get little snack into him on the way home (rice cracker with butter) and then have the dinner ready to go more or less when he gets in (sushi rice is his favourite), he'd eat about 2 bowls and then another small bowl before bed at about 9.

We thought all along it was a 'discipline issue' but really it was a 'parents fault' issue, so all that time we spent giving out to him when he was just hungry would make us feel a bit guilty. Disciplining or reasoning with a 2.5 year old is foolish, you can just explain calmly what's good and bad, but a naughty step is just setting you up for a battle of wits (especially if they're hungry and angry!).

It's peeks and troughs though, some days they wont eat at all so no point in forcing them. I think there's a few growth spurts going on at 2 so it'll be up and down.

I dunno I could be totally wrong too, but the important thing to remember is that 'It's totally your fault', so no point in chastising a kid who hasn't a clue what's going on.

Could be changing sleep patterns also. What's the daytime nap routine like?

Cunning Stunt

Some great advice there guys, thanks.
Some days its obvious that he's hungry because he's asking for food straightaway when he gets in. Other times he doesnt look for food and he won't touch his dinner at all.

His nap is from 12 to 2 every day in daycare and then he's in bed by 7pm.

His childminder is in the job 19 yrs and she is very structured, lots of little rules etc. so sometimes I get the feeling that he just needs to blow off some steam or push the boundaries when he gets home....
In September he will start in an outdoor forest kindergarden, where they don't have a lot of rules, bar some basic safety ones, and are more about leaving the kids to explore and have fun, so I hope it will suit him a bit better and he will be in a bit better humor in the evening times - fingers crossed!

LegacyUser

You could be spot on with that Cunningstunt, it may be just that home is where he feels comfortable enough to melt down.I know my minder told us there were never meltdowns in her house, but the minute she got home, we'd have to put up with them.Hopefully he'll be better in the new place, and the time outdoors helps a lot too.

evolving_doors

Just terrible two then ! No reason necessary
Maybe start to give him more 'false' choices but phrasing it carefully, like 'do you want to wear you dinosaur tshirt or barbie one?' rather than asking him to put on his tshirt!

Like would it be a defiant tantrum after you asked him to do something? Or just a tantrum out of nowhere?

The important thing anyway is not to feed the tantrum. Get down on the hunkers and talk nicely and calmly.
Sometimes though we just have to distract him outright to snap him out of it... 'look at the blak cat over there ' and then start to run over somewhere and pretend to call a cat.

They'll eventually settle down though if you keep your cool and plough ahead.