When should I tell him about upsetting stuff in my past?

LegacyUser

Hi I'm 26 and have been with my boyfriend who's 27 for coming up on four months. Things are brilliant between us. We get on so well and meet up 2 or 3 times a week. I've never felt this good about a relationship before and he has said the same that he is crazy about me and I make him so happy. He has asked me to meet his parents next week and I am looking forward to it but it has brought up some stuff that I know I should tell him, but just not sure when.
Basically I have never had a good relationship with my mother since as long as I can remember. Looking back on it I wasn't a difficult child, never had the rebellious phase but she just continually verbally abused me saying I was fat, useless, everyone laughs at me, she is ashamed of me, the list goes on. I grew up in a very unhappy home where if my mother wasn't starting fights with my dad she was starting them with me. She can be the nicest person in the world but I am convinced she has some mental health issues as she can then turn around and be horrible to everyone around her. The most hurtful things that have ever been done/said to me have been by her.

It took me up until two years ago to move on from this as I had the confidence of a pea. I didn't like myself and up until two years ago I would have felt any guy was better than no guy because I was so desperate for acceptance and love. I went to counselling and feel I have really made progress in all of this.
There is anger there on my part as to how I was treated as a child. We had a neighbour who was alcoholic and had made a pass at my Mam in front of us all. She still used to make me go down to his house with a dinner or newspaper and even though I didn't feel comfortable about it I did it. Long story short he attempted to sexually abuse me only for I ran away. I feel anger towards my parents that I was put in this position. I was around 9 or 10 when it happened and I don't think I've ever fully gotten over it.
I guess meeting my boyfriends parents have me thinking about telling him this stuff. I don't want sympathy just maybe understanding. I can get upset over my Mam at times and I feel he needs to understand why. I didn't tell him early on as I thought it was making what was between us very serious when in the beginning things were so great I felt I might ruin things by telling him. I am confident in the relationship now and just wondering if I should tell him now and if so what do I say? I've never told anybody all of this before so I'm a bit nervous and anxious about it.

liquoriceall

Therighttime wrote: »

Hi I'm 26 and have been with my boyfriend who's 27 for coming up on four months. Things are brilliant between us. We get on so well and meet up 2 or 3 times a week. I've never felt this good about a relationship before and he has said the same that he is crazy about me and I make him so happy. He has asked me to meet his parents next week and I am looking forward to it but it has brought up some stuff that I know I should tell him, but just not sure when.
Basically I have never had a good relationship with my mother since as long as I can remember. Looking back on it I wasn't a difficult child, never had the rebellious phase but she just continually verbally abused me saying I was fat, useless, everyone laughs at me, she is ashamed of me, the list goes on. I grew up in a very unhappy home where if my mother wasn't starting fights with my dad she was starting them with me. She can be the nicest person in the world but I am convinced she has some mental health issues as she can then turn around and be horrible to everyone around her. The most hurtful things that have ever been done/said to me have been by her.

It took me up until two years ago to move on from this as I had the confidence of a pea. I didn't like myself and up until two years ago I would have felt any guy was better than no guy because I was so desperate for acceptance and love. I went to counselling and feel I have really made progress in all of this.
There is anger there on my part as to how I was treated as a child. We had a neighbour who was alcoholic and had made a pass at my Mam in front of us all. She still used to make me go down to his house with a dinner or newspaper and even though I didn't feel comfortable about it I did it. Long story short he attempted to sexually abuse me only for I ran away. I feel anger towards my parents that I was put in this position. I was around 9 or 10 when it happened and I don't think I've ever fully gotten over it.
I guess meeting my boyfriends parents have me thinking about telling him this stuff. I don't want sympathy just maybe understanding. I can get upset over my Mam at times and I feel he needs to understand why. I didn't tell him early on as I thought it was making what was between us very serious when in the beginning things were so great I felt I might ruin things by telling him. I am confident in the relationship now and just wondering if I should tell him now and if so what do I say? I've never told anybody all of this before so I'm a bit nervous and anxious about it.

You can tell him as much or as little as you like but if you want to be short on details for now but just give him the outline of your dynamic, maybe you could tell him that your childhood wasn't very protected and that you didn't feel valued which still affects your relationship with your family?

Magicmatilda

Firstly well done on getting the help you needed and building your confidence. It is a brave step and many can't find the courage.

I think you should tell him as much as you want to. If you started by telling him what you have told us there I think it would be a good start. He can then ask whatever questions he has. It sounds like you feel secure in the relationship and trust him, which is great. This will be another level of intimacy for you and it is natural to feel vulnerable about it. If he is a good guy, he will support and love you regardless.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I guess in my head I am building it up to be a bigger deal than it is. I rarely talk about personal stuff with people so I guess it's a big step telling him.
I am meeting his parents at the weekend which I am looking forward to because from what he says and what I know of them, they are lovely. I don't feel comfortable with him meeting mine for obvious reasons as I need to feel that a relationship is pretty much going to last the distance before I bring a guy home. I'm just worried of my Mams reaction, worried that he mightn't see the side to her that I'm describing as she can be deceptively nice to people in public. Do you think that's fair of me to put off meeting my parents for a while or should I just bite the bullet and bring him home in the next few weeks?
I have been with a guy for 8 months and he never met my parents but I didn't feel as positive about that relationship as this one. Would it worry a guy if you were prepared to bring a girl to meet your family and she said you wouldn't be meeting hers for another few months?

Magicmatilda

I know it is hard to open up to people, that is quite a normal reaction to the treatment you have received at home. On some level you probable believed all that negative stuff you were told and it still impacts on you. That's OK. I think if you explain all this to your boyfriend he will understand why you are not ready to introduce him.

I also think that you should be honest about your fears around how your mother can charm others. If he trusts you, he will believe you. Why wouldn't he? And remember you are telling the truth, that will show.

The first step is to open up to him a little about all this, a positive reaction will give you the confidence you need to open up more. I know it is hard to be vulnerable, of course it is, in the past you were abused by those who were supposed to protect you. But the reality is to have a healthy relationship you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable with the other person. Don't get me wrong, if he reacts in any way other than supportive, then you need to run away. Vulnerability does not mean allowing yourself to be abused, it means allowing your true self to be seen. But it is only by being vulnerable that we build true intimacy and that is required for a healthy relationship.

LegacyUser

My husband grew up with an emotional and physically abusive mother. I found out about this over time. I had no problem with him not telling me all about it at the start so don't feel you need to rush in and tell him everything straight away. Even now after 13 years together he tells me new stories I hadn't heard about his childhood. If you hadn't been told anything about her you would think she is the nicest person ever to meet her. But I was glad to know a little about their childhood before meeting her so I didn't fall for her falseness.

Only say what you feel comfortable with. Maybe just enough to explain why you don't want to introduce him to her just yet.

Paddy Cow

Therighttime wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I guess in my head I am building it up to be a bigger deal than it is. I rarely talk about personal stuff with people so I guess it's a big step telling him.
I am meeting his parents at the weekend which I am looking forward to because from what he says and what I know of them, they are lovely. I don't feel comfortable with him meeting mine for obvious reasons as I need to feel that a relationship is pretty much going to last the distance before I bring a guy home. I'm just worried of my Mams reaction, worried that he mightn't see the side to her that I'm describing as she can be deceptively nice to people in public. Do you think that's fair of me to put off meeting my parents for a while or should I just bite the bullet and bring him home in the next few weeks?
I have been with a guy for 8 months and he never met my parents but I didn't feel as positive about that relationship as this one. Would it worry a guy if you were prepared to bring a girl to meet your family and she said you wouldn't be meeting hers for another few months?

Reading your posts it is obvious that for you, this is a big deal. You don't have a great relationship with your parents whereas your boyfriend does. It is understandable that you are uncomfortable with your boyfriend meeting your parents just yet but unless your boyfriend is asking to meet your parents and you are making excuses not to, then you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Go and meet his parents this weekend and have a wonderful time. Prepare yourself emotionally though. If his parents are lovely, warm, inviting people it might stir up a lot of emotions in you. You might feel angry towards your parents that they never gave you such a sense of family security. You might feel ashamed that your boyfriend won't be accepted like you will. You might feel guilt like you somehow have to explain to your boyfriend why he won't be experiencing such a welcome in your own home.

Your boyfriend doesn't know of the turmoil that's going round in your head right now and while it's important that he knows at some stage that you don't have the best relationship with your parents, be honest with him but let it be a gradual honesty. You could tell him after the weekend that you would like him to meet your parents at some stage but you don't have the same closeness with them that he has with his parents. If he is mature he will accept this and not ask questions that make you feel uncomfortable. Over time you can open up as you feel comfortable sharing more with him.

Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that because his parents are so nice you must be totally honest with him about yours all in one go. Your relationship is still in an early stage and should be more about you and him, rather than how he will get on with your parents or your relationship with them. You come across as very self aware. You know your relationship isn't great with your parents (with very good reason) but you want to make a go of it with your boyfriend.

I don't know if I'm wording it right but from your thread title and your posts, you find it hard to open up to people about this. What I'm trying to say is that you don't need to sit down and have a big conversation about "upsetting stuff in your past". Focus on you and your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is dating you, likes you enough to introduce you to his parents and seems to hold you in high esteem. If your parents can't hold you in the same regard then that's there loss and I'm sure your boyfriend will see that too.

Enjoy your weekend op and wishing you all the best

ahnow

Hi op. Im sorry to hear about your troubles, and I'm glad you're feeling better in yourself.
I'll tell you what I did in my situation. I've been with my partner the last couple of years, and had a similar problem. I had a hard childhood as well, with badly handled sexual abuse, so it was going to be a while before I could open up to someone in a relationship, and the same goes for being intimate. You've been with this person for four months now, so you probably have a good idea of what he's like.
I was getting to the month mark with the person I was seeing, and kind of had to explain my situation in case he got the wrong idea about the lack of intimacy. Because it's such a vulnerable and emotional thing to disclose your troubles, especially early on, I found the best way to do it was writing it down. That way exactly what you want to say is there, with full control over it. Also, it gives the other person some space to take it in and think about their response. In the end I sent it over text! And explained why i was sending it over text. I was also terrified that it would be taken as a premature disclosing of all my baggage, which is not what I'm about, and made it clear that the purpose was to explain my background.
I was lucky that I met a truly lovely and kind person, and they sent me back a lovely reply that I wont forget, and sure a couple of weeks later we were like any normal couple!
But I also prepared myself for a not so understanding response. I thought about it like this, well i've done all of this work on myself to get where I am now, if someone's not prepared to understand where I'm coming from then at least I know, and can move on.
If your friend told you what you want to say to this person, how would you react? Because that's probably how he'll react too.
Best of luck with it! It was worth it for me!