Ghosted... again

m-a-i-

So here I go on another self assessment of what I'm doing with my life !!
I'm 29 and have been seeing this guy for about 4 or 5 months not defined as a relationship...casula enough given the distance. He is based about 3 hours away and I thought everything was great, could talk about really really heavy stuff and a lot more lighter stuff for hours on end. Great chemistry and we have each stayed at each others place. there is ALOT on both sides that I won't get into. We clicked on all levels and I genuinely thought that he is something special.. but just like that I've been ghosted.. we don't text that often ( every other day ) and I've only sent him two texts in the last two weeks or so ( can't bear the thought that he might think I'm needy) .. he has seen them but nothing... radio silence on all frequencies..from our last conversations he implied that there was an instant connection and he felt that I was definitely someone who was meant to be in his life.... just feel like this is a constant thing I always end up doing...
UGH!

dellas1979

I really hope you are not there blaming yourself for another's actions. You are better than that.

The way I would see it is:
- HE doesn't have the balls to tell you whats going on (for him). Do you really want someone in your life like this?
- Whatever baggage he brought or is bringing to the relationship, that's his stuff to deal with. Maybe he simply isn't ready for something, which is fine, nothing you can do (but see first point above).
- You cant/mustn't shouldn't blame yourself "what did I do wrong. Which leads me to my next point...
- Half of the battle in meeting someone is that both are on the same page.
- Finally, have some self-confidence to walk away if its not working for you/you don't like how you are being treated. You do attract what you put out there.

Hombre Lobo

Hi OP,
Did you two get to see each other often, given the distance?
If I was to guess, it could be the contributing factor and he hasn't the courage to be up front and tell you.

beks101

Ugh, this is just the worst. Sadly it seems to be a prominent feature of the dating world in this day and age. Don't know many people who've dated a lot who haven't experienced it.

Try not to dwell on it too much OP. It's got absolutely nothing to do with you and just highlights the guy's lack of character and balls tbh. With a bit of time and perspective you'll see that you really dodged a bullet.

If he gets back in touch (and 2/1 says he will, once his dating diary dries up - seen that too many times), don't let him jump back into your life. You deserve more than some tosser who picks you up and drops you like a hot potato.

Hold your head up high and be the better person. And remember how this made you feel. Chances are you'll be on the other side of this one day and it will be tempting to do as he did. I always think a bit of good dating karma serves you well. Like attracts like and all that. He's not good enough for you if he's capable of this kind of cruelty. Simple as that.

It's just a staple of the world we live in, sadly.

m-a-i-

Thanks Guys !

Ah I'm just annoyed that I let myself into this position again. We would visit eachother twice a month or so. Distance could have been a factor alright but find it hard to think that when a text would have sufficed to let me know that this wasn't working.
Maybe he isn't in the right head space or dealing with something which is fair enough but not even one text? I feel like I put more importance on that and thought I was more important.

Lesson learned anyways that I will never put someone in this position !

rcarroll

ah love, don't take it personally, it just seems to be the way dating is now had the same thing happend to me recently and spent a while trying to figure out where I/it went wrong before I just gave up and realised it's probably more to do with his own **** than me, so what's the point trying to find logic where there is none. also, you probably will be in the same position, unfortunately, if you want to find a relationship, you have to open yourself up to being let down from time to time, chin up, hopefully we'll find the right guy who won't have us wondering where things are going, he'll let you know

Amy33

I was getting ghosted 20 years ago, it's certainly not something new. Some people are just cowards and don't have the decency or good manners to say they are no longer interested. It's frustrating but try not to take it personally.

Skibunny77

m-a-i- wrote: »

Thanks Guys !

Ah I'm just annoyed that I let myself into this position again. We would visit eachother twice a month or so. Distance could have been a factor alright but find it hard to think that when a text would have sufficed to let me know that this wasn't working.
Maybe he isn't in the right head space or dealing with something which is fair enough but not even one text? I feel like I put more importance on that and thought I was more important.

Lesson learned anyways that I will never put someone in this position !

Completely agree OP. Nobody is ever too busy to send a text. I've been in a long term relationship for a few years, but have had plenty of experience of dating apps in past. A lot of my friends were ghosted and I was permanently outraged on their behalf. I avoided it myself - I used to name this with guys very early on in dating, around date three or four. If they'd ask me out again I'd just say, 'Yes, I'm happy to see you again but seeing as we have been out a few times, I'd just ask that you're upfront and let me know if things fizzle out at your end and likewise I'll do the same. That's a ground rule for me when I'm seeing anyone, even casually' It worked for me and I wasn't ever ghosted. A lot of my mates have used that line since and have had success. I think guys just can't fathom the idea of sending a text to say they don't want to continue seeing someone, naming it seems to make it easier for them to do so. In general, I'm pretty direct, know what I want re contact from a guy and let them know it fairly early - by talking about it in terms of your expectations of contact in dating generally rather than in dating him specifically, it also doesn't make it feel too serious too fast. Give it a go!

m-a-i-

Thanks guys, I had a bit of off board advice to send him a text to let him know that how I feel in a nice way. I basically said something along the lines of... hey how are you... haven't heard from you in a while and wondering if there is something going on..

This was clearly against my better judgement as I got a "I'm fine how are you?"... rage !!!!

Anyways I think I might have dodged a bullet with this guy. I just feel a little hurt that I put myself out there for someone I genuinely thought would work... oh well...

Augme

If it's happening quite often to you I'd look into your choice of guy and how you approach dating/the initial stages.

Calypso Realm

Deleted-posted twice.

Calypso Realm

As stated already, ghosting is certainly not a new phenonemen. The reasons, although they do apply in certain cases, are not strictly limited to losing interest/attraction, meeting someone else and thus wanting to end the relationship. They can range from wanting to 'test' the other partner to not wanting to confront them about something. I remember a friend of ours at uni admitted he'd ghosted because he (erroneously) believed his girlfriend had cheated on him and another revealed he felt taken for granted in the relationship. We'd all assumed he's just lost attraction/met someone else and would never have heard the real reason if we hadn't mixed in pretty much the same circles. Some people, while no excuse, just aren't good at confronting issues. In my own experience, a boyfriend once pulled back on me and I know at the time I was so self-absorbed, stressed because of my own issues at the time I was totally blinded to the fact he felt neglected in the relationship. It took a friend to point this out though!

The fact that ghosts very frequently return pretty much confirms this for me since it's extremely unlikely someone would return to someone they'd definitively lost interest in. I know I've never, ever considered returning to an ex I'd broken it off with before.

leggo

People are wimps and dating can be a crapshoot at times. These are just truths for all of us. You can't blame yourself for others reactions.

What you can do, maybe, is play it cool a bit more, even in your own head. If it's happened a few times and the example you gave saw you feel a connection and spark that he obviously didn't (words are easy, you have to judge someone by their actions), maybe you're just a really empathetic person and can feel that spark early with people while they're still figuring things out. That's not a character flaw but it may work against you sometimes in single life. Perhaps you could set new boundaries for yourself in that you see everyone you're dating as casual, a one-night bit of fun (and I don't mean in terms of sex there - but in general, laughs and adventures), until you get a firm commitment from them. Then, and only then, allow yourself to start thinking beyond that point.

I'm not criticising, I don't know if that's even an issue since there's not much info to go off here, just trying to offer something constructive since there's nothing you can really do with writing these people off that'll help you in the future.

HS3

Its a crap feeling. But getting out now will do you better in the long run.