disrespectful behaviour

LegacyUser

i wanted to get a bit of advice on this ,
im in a longterm relationship of 4 years , we have a child , anyway look the issue is i feel completely disrespected and talked to like a piece of **** . my partner keeps bringing up people i was with previously to him in a way to hurt me , he uses them as a weapon .

just a bit of backround about this , i havent been with many people , im 30 years old , about 7 years ago i was with a guy , it was a very casual thing we were intimate once. , anyway, 4 years or so later i met my now partner through the guy i mentioned , there best friends . anyway , my partner knew i had been intimate in my past with this man and still chose a relationship with me , the thing is in the last few years he has been very hurtful in using it as a means to hurt me and talk very vulger to me about it , i have told him he needs to apoligise and that this isnt how you speak to women , the response iv gotten is "well if iv said anything that isnt true then i apoligise" . i mean for god sake everybody has a past , it has nothing to do with him , it was seven years ago and i didnt even bloody know he existed , why is this constantly getting thrown at me?? i didnt force him into a relationship he chose it , he wont apoligise , just keeps saying i obv cant handle people bringing up my past , EVERYBODY HAS A PAST!!! even my bloody partner , but i wouldnt bring it up because its not my buisness , what do you guys think about this? i told him last night i want to break up , im just so sick of a past where he wasnt even in my life being brought up by him . i just want to add that the reason he knows about this is because his best friend decided to share the details with him....also before i even knew him or he knew me...

Sapphire

If he cant or wont get past it, then I don't see what else you can do apart from leaving him. He's punishing you for something that you cant change.

Jealousy is corrosive to any relationship. And especially when its over a past event that he was fully aware of before getting involved with you. It seems to me that its a convenient topic for him to be nasty to you. I'd say that if you went into this current relationship a virgin, he would find some thing to be nasty to you over, to chip away at your self esteem, and make you feel miserable.

You told him you are leaving him. Well done and stick with it. No relationship is worth living with that kind of verbal barrage.

Dixie Chick

Well if you stick to your word that you are leaving him then you will never have to "explain yourself" to him or to anyone else again. He definitely is the one with the problem here.

God jealousy is so ugly and he feels he is in the right in his accusations and his horrible words...I think you may be better off away from him.

anonbloke

Tough situation, I can empathise... Of course, leaving is very difficult, but probably the best course... Imagine what you would tell your child if he/she was in a similar situation. It will be hard initially, but you will get through it, don't stay for the child's sake, they will love you no matter what.

Diemos

Very difficult situation, and one which you are 100% innocent in.

I'm guessing it comes up more often when he's had a few jars.
Did it come up before the child or only after?

It eats at him and it bothers him immensely. But that's his issue, his ability to forget his own past shows how selfish and insecure he is.

I can never understand people who ask "how many partners?" what good is ever going to come from that?

Whether you stay or go, that is your decision. But people like him do not change, he could not if he wanted to.
So if you stay, you can not make him promise to change, he can't (maybe with a lot of therapy), you need to go in understanding that.

Personally, I think no one should have to live with that type of bullying (or any type).
I would say walk away, but that's easy for me behind a keyboard.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

Big Bag of Chips

My brother-in-law used to say exactly the same kind of stuff to his wife. Called her every name under the sun because she was with someone before him (he was also with others, but of course that was different). My brother-in-law is not a nice person. If he was a nice person he wouldn't speak to the woman he claimed to love like that. And to be honest, if it wasn't that, he'd have picked something else.

Turns out he goes to prostitutes for a laugh on stag nights!

When his wife eventually left him the abuse didn't stop... And when she started seeing someone else, well I needn't tell you what sort of names she got called.

You don't need to take that abuse. He's not going to stop. He's told you he's not going to stop. So by staying in a relationship you are letting him believe it is acceptable to speak to you like that. And if he is capable of disrespecting you like that to your face, what is he capable of behind your back? There are nicer fellas out there. You don't have to put up with being made unhappy.

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi there
I have read your post. I am sorry to hear about your situation. My piece of advice is to just leave him that your past is none of his business and just because you were with someone 7 years ago has got nothing to do with him it is still abuse the way he is treating you. Your also metioned that you have a child with him it must be terrible for him/her to witness him treating you like that. So just leave him tell that its over and send him packing. There are lots of nicer fellas out there. It doesnt matter whether ye have a child or not you dont deserve to treated like that so just leave him and move on. Also I would advise that you just concentrate on your child for the time being and put his/her needs first.

Big Bag of Chips

By the way... This lad is his best friend? Does he also call him vulgar names for being with you? Does he put him down because of it? I doubt it. Why is it one rule for his mate and a completely different rule for the woman he is supposed to be in love with?

Probably because he knows the friend wouldn't tolerate his bull.

Pawwed Rig

I wouldn't say that the past is irrelevant because it most definitely isnt. The issue here is that he was aware of the past before he got involved so it is unfair that he brings it up now.
You have broken up OP. Is there more you want?

Fakediamond

This is verbal abuse, he is wearing you down and it will probably get worse. I'd say get out now before it impacts on you and your child even further. This is a ridiculously trivial issue to be stuck on.

Make a plan, put some money aside to tide you over, and get out.

Best of luck, you and your child deserve better.