Childrens access - what arrangement do you have?

Boardz Fiend

Hi there, I'm interested to understand other peoples arrangements around sharing access of kids. Particularly dads in full time employment, how often and for how long do you have your kids?
Also, how much of your annual leave do you use for you kids, mid terms, holidays etc?

Taltos

Mod note
Can you please clarify what you need help with or is this just a general enquiry from others?

Boardz Fiend

Taltos wrote: »

Mod note
Can you please clarify what you need help with or is this just a general enquiry from others?

Thanks Taltos.. and sorry if i was unclear. I'm co-parenting, I'm in full time employment in a very demanding job, i pay a hefty amount of maintenance and the current access arrangements i have with my kids mother is running me into the ground. i currently use 15 of my 20 annual leave days to take my kids to cover mid term breaks and school holidays. I take them for a full weekend, every 2nd wkdn.. collect them on my way home from work on Friday & have them until I drop them to school on Monday morn, I also take them two nights midweek, every week. She works part time. I feel like I have been saying yes to all her demands and I actually have no idea what is considered a fair amount of time for a full time working dad to take his kids, and how much annual leave other people in my situation consider fair.. thoughts/opinions welcome.
In other words, would you say its a case of "man up buddy that what we all do", or "hey she is talking the piss"?

Ken.

Might I ask how is your relationship with your ex. Whether it's good or bad could change the advice you'll get here.

Big Bag of Chips

How often would you like to see your children?

From the sounds of it you have pretty much 50/50 custody. That should have a bearing on the maintenance you pay. Maybe it's time to revisit the maintenance and access agreements. Your access sounds about right... Most parents have to share their annual leave with their children! But your maintenance may be considered high if access is pretty equal.

Vel

My kids's dad gives them breakfast at my house and takes them to school 3 mornings per week in order that I can get into work early so I can leave early for pickups etc. He then takes them every Friday evening and returns them to me on the Sunday morning. I currently take some parental leave which means I am basically working part time at present and as such we agreed that he would cover more of the days off needed this summer while they are on holidays.

I imagine these arrangements will change a number of times over the years as the kids get older, and because luckily, although we have very little time for each other, we manage to co-parent quite well at present for the sake of the kids.

I'd be interested to hear other people's arrangements

Hrududu

Two nights a week and every second weekend. And you have to take time off work when they have time off school. Do you want them less?

joleen100

My ex takes the kids every 2nd Weekend (Fri evening to Sunday evening). Has taken 4 days for a midterm and then took them out of school for a week for a cheap holiday!!!!! I use all my 26 annual leave days to take care of the children/do regular hospital appointments/cover school holidays to reduce childcare costs. I only wish he would do some mid week access - but he can't "commit" to it!

It is not easy but you need to do what is best for the kids. Do you really want to spend less time with them? Does your ex use her holidays for their school breaks also?

Boardz Fiend

ken wrote: »

Might I ask how is your relationship with your ex. Whether it's good or bad could change the advice you'll get here.

Apart from an occasional flare up, its mostly good. Thanks for reply

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

How often would you like to see your children?

From the sounds of it you have pretty much 50/50 custody. That should have a bearing on the maintenance you pay. Maybe it's time to revisit the maintenance and access agreements. Your access sounds about right... Most parents have to share their annual leave with their children! But your maintenance may be considered high if access is pretty equal.

Hi, thanks for reply. Yes maintenance is high but if i cut it then they will not be able to stay in their current home/area. Would mean uprooting kids from their school and moving to a cheaper part of the country. So i am emotionally pressured to continue the level of maintenance.

Vel wrote: »

My kids's dad gives them breakfast at my house and takes them to school 3 mornings per week in order that I can get into work early so I can leave early for pickups etc. He then takes them every Friday evening and returns them to me on the Sunday morning. I currently take some parental leave which means I am basically working part time at present and as such we agreed that he would cover more of the days off needed this summer while they are on holidays.

I imagine these arrangements will change a number of times over the years as the kids get older, and because luckily, although we have very little time for each other, we manage to co-parent quite well at present for the sake of the kids.

I'd be interested to hear other people's arrangements

Thanks for the reply, really appreciate you sharing your arrangements, its helpful in putting my own in perspective.

Hrududu wrote: »

Two nights a week and every second weekend. And you have to take time off work when they have time off school. Do you want them less?

Do I want them less, no. I would love to be a stay at home dad or part time working dad. Ive actually offered to do that if their mother would work full time and pay me maintenance, surprise surprise she isn't willing to reverse roles.

In the current situation, I would love to have them more, but i also feel i should have a little free time to maybe meet someone else and have a life outside of work and the kids. Having a busy, demanding job is the main issue i guess, not the kids, but without this job i wont be able to afford to support them and give them the life i want them to have. Im just looking to find a balance.

joleen100 wrote: »

My ex takes the kids every 2nd Weekend (Fri evening to Sunday evening). Has taken 4 days for a midterm and then took them out of school for a week for a cheap holiday!!!!! I use all my 26 annual leave days to take care of the children/do regular hospital appointments/cover school holidays to reduce childcare costs. I only wish he would do some mid week access - but he can't "commit" to it!

It is not easy but you need to do what is best for the kids. Do you really want to spend less time with them? Does your ex use her holidays for their school breaks also?

Thanks for taking to time to reply. Its not that I want to see them less, quite the opposite. However since their mother does not earn a lot, the bulk of the financial burden falls to me. My job is extremely demanding but pays well, so i often put in extra hours, late evenings or most of my free weekend. My job is suffering at the moment as i cant give it the hours it needs when i ahve the kids. I sometimes feel so pressured at the weekends i have the kids that if i could just give them back on the Sunday evening then I would have Sunday night to get some work done. Jesus i sounds like a right workaholic but im not, when we were a family we had nothing and im just trying to improve the situation for all of us. Oh and yes, in fairness she does use most of her leave for kids

Ken.

If things are good with her then you should try to get in to mediation. Lay it out that things have got to change. if she wants to stay living where she is she'll have to help you out more.

http://www.legalaidboard.ie/lab/publishing.nsf/content/Family_Mediation_Service_Contact_us

You can find your nearest free mediation centre at the above site.

Boardz Fiend

ken wrote: »

If things are good with her then you should try to get in to mediation. Lay it out that things have got to change. if she wants to stay living where she is she'll have to help you out more.

http://www.legalaidboard.ie/lab/publishing.nsf/content/Family_Mediation_Service_Contact_us

You can find your nearest free mediation centre at the above site.

Thanks Ken. I wasnt aware of this service. Might be worth a try. Thanks for posting the link

Vel

Mediation definitely worked in our situation and allows us to maintain an ok relationship when it comes to the kids. I think if one of the parties feel the situation isn't 'fair' it can very quickly escalate and lead to resentment so best to nip it in the bud quickly.

I know that my ex does way more than a lot of men in this situation but honestly, I do sometimes think he has an easy ride at times. He has every evening free, and almost all of Sunday. He loves his job and is ambitious and always looking to move his career forward and since our split I know he is devoting a lot of time to furthering it, while I have had to let my career take a backseat. I've come to a place where I now feel that I am not going to fight and beg for him to spend more time with his kids. He'll be the one who has to justify to them when they are older and can understand the situation for themselves, why he spends the amount of time he does with them. And maybe they won't have a problem with it, who knows?! And on the other hand, I see how much he misses out on, so maybe that bothers him, although I'm pretty sure it doesn't.

Best of luck!