How do you deal with rejection?

Elessar

Ok, to cut a long story short, I had a date with a brilliant girl this weekend (I'm a guy) and we hit if off really well. She is gorgeous, intelligent, funny, kind, down to earth and we had loads in common. I think it's fair to say I fell hook, line and sinker for her. She seemed to really enjoy the date, her body language very much suggested she did, we snogged for like half of it, had a good laugh, got drunk on cocktails and talked about all and sundry. We have loads in common, and she kept mentioning how she wanted to meet up again, we even arranged a date for next week. Walked her home and some more kissing and I was pretty chuffed with myself!

I text her the next morning but had total silence all day, until she finally got back to me to say she still has a thing for her ex, and she is not ready to move on. I'm gutted to say the least. I can't understand how someone could date a person, have a great time, and then fob them off. Now I've had my fair share of rejection, but this one really stung. Mainly because she was one in a million for me, we had so much in common and we seemed to both click with each other. We were on the same page in life and I really wanted to see her again.

Does anyone have any advice for overcoming rejection? How can I take my mind off her. Apart from being baffled as to why she would seem to have such a good time, and then decide she doesn't want to see me again, I'm not even sure if that text was genuine. It could have been a nice way of saying "I'm not interested", it could have been genuine or I could have got it completely wrong (I'm a good judge of character though and believe she did enjoy herself - she even mentioned it in the text). But I dunno. I keep going over what I did wrong in my head. Did I come on too strong, did I say things that made her think less of me? I guess I got attached too quickly too. I can't help who I like.

Does anyone have any advice?

beks101

The thing about dating is that you need that chemistry, sure, but you also need to both be on the same page. It's all about timing. It's not right for her at the moment. For whatever reason. And that would lead to all sorts of head fcuky scenarios for you if she decided to disregard those feelings and go along with things for the hell of it anyway.

IME of being single, first dates are easy. Especially if you're the sociable kind. You dress up and smile and go on a charm offensive, the drinks are flowing and life is dandy. You don't learn much about the person though. They're a stranger on their best behaviour, trying to project fun, sexy, interesting. You don't know where they are emotionally, mentally, circumstantially.

I know it's hard to not get excited when you feel you've clicked with someone you find attractive, but try to put less stock in first dates. Line up a few at a time, or keep yourself otherwise busy socially and abide by a "fun but wait and see" policy with any women you meet.

You did nothing wrong. It was all about what was going on in her head, not yours.

njs030

Well firstly take the text at face value, there's no point overthinking it and trying to work out if its true, it's what she chose to tell you so accept it.

It's not about you, or what you said, didn't say, how you acted etc. She's not over her ex and not ready for someone new. Be glad she didn't use you as a rebound to feel better and just wish her well and move on.

sozbox

I've had this happen more than a few times, it's nothing to do with you or what you said trust me. Timing is half the battle. On the flip side I did something similar to someone this weekend, I'm not in the right place for starting something and I was upfront about it.

Keep meeting people, keep working to become the best version of yourself and the rest will take care of itself.

Augme

Maybe you shouldn't emotionally invest so much into what is basically a complete stranger. This was the first date and you are already talking about her being one in a million, that's seriously intense. You barely know the women, she could be a complete tool. Beks101 is right about first dates, they're a piece of piss. You have everything to talk about and chances are drinks will be flowing. It's a perfect combination for things to go well. The acid test of compatibility for me is usually around 4-5 dates in.

Elessar

Thanks for the responses folks, you make a lot of sense. Beks101 especially - great insight. I suppose it's hard to not take it personally, I mean, she's on a dating site, but is not ready to move on? She seemed genuine anyway so I'll have to take her word for it. I'm just disappointed mostly. I rarely meet women who are as compatible for me so for it to just abruptly end after such a good time is a stinger.

It's true I tend to get attached fairly quickly but I guess I'm a romantic like that. I get hurt easily as a result. I'm working on it. This girl did seem fairly cool and although I'm gutted she didn't want anything more, I wish her the best. I think I need to not be as strong on the first date, hold back a bit, for my own sake.

leggo

Being single is such a crapshoot. You can waste an entire life overthinking the motives of strangers. Or just play the field a bit until something clicks (beyond one date while you're both drinking). It could be something like she's just getting back out there after her ex - to the point that maybe he's not completely out of the picture yet - and she picked up on the fact that you were really into her, and maybe she's just not mentally ready to approach anything serious.

I wouldn't worry and would take the win that you had a great date. So you'll have plenty more before finding someone. There are 3 billion women out there, enjoy that fact for a while and then when you do click with someone naturally you'll have the best of both worlds.

pookie82

Elessar wrote: »

I suppose it's hard to not take it personally, I mean, she's on a dating site, but is not ready to move on?

She could be on a dating site to "get back out there" and have some fun dates with no strings attached. Being on a site like that doesn't mean you're ready to rush headlong into the next big thing, or even date the same person twice. She may just be finding her feet again and seeing what's out there.

Likewise she may have thought she was ready and had a great time, but woke up the next day missing her ex. For all you know he could have called her the next day out of the blue and sent her head spinning.

I would count yourself lucky, actually, that she's been so forthright from the get go. She hasn't led you on or kept you dangling for more than a date.

Dates are funny things, one person can think they went incredibly well, the other can have a totally different view point.

Neither is wrong. Accept that this time it wasn't meant to be for whatever reason and move on to the next. And as Beks pointed out better than I ever could, as amazing as she came across, you were just scratching the surface. She was dressed up, in good form and drinking. She could be a moany Mary from Monday to Friday! I know girls who are the life and soul at weekends when socialising but to be around all the time they're quite moody and challenging.

I'm not saying that she is - I'm just saying you can't really tell. There's nothing to mourn here as you don't know the girl well enough.

batmanrobin

Try to hold back a bit in future, OP. Just for your own sake. Like others have said, it's far worse when someone keeps you dangling and messes with your head. At least she has been really up front with you.

Might I suggest deleting her number lest you be tempted to text her.

Also don't think of her as one in a million - she's one out of millions. Plenty more fish in the sea.

Dr Crayfish

Elessar wrote: »

It's true I tend to get attached fairly quickly but I guess I'm a romantic like that

Whatever that is, romantic it ain't!
I've had the exact same night as you a couple of times in the last year or so and I was disappointed after the first one when nothing transpired but I guess I expect nothing now when I go out with a girl. You just never know what's going on in someone's life, and you don't really need to know either. Just forget about it.

Scarinae

OP I have been that girl - I joined a couple of dating websites last year when I was only two weeks after finishing an eight-year relationship, which in retrospect wasn't the best idea! I went on a date with a lovely guy and we had a great time together, we arranged to meet up again and then we spent ages kissing at the end of the date but on the way home I felt so confused and almost wanted to cry because my emotions were all over the place. I could tell that he was really keen and I felt like the worst person ever, everything that I was feeling was because of the crappy breakup and had absolutely nothing to do with him at all.

If I'm honest I'd joined the dating sites for a bit of an ego boost, I told myself I was completely over the last relationship blah blah when I clearly wasn't, and it was unfair of me to drag other people into the absolute mess that was my feelings. It sounds like she has similar stuff going on - she probably did genuinely enjoy the date with you, but just isn't in the right place for dating or a relationship right now. You don't want to be rebound guy, you're worth more than that! Also it's small consolation but at least she told you - a lot of people these days would have just not responded to your messages (ghosting), and this way you know it's because she's not over her ex rather than it being anything that you did wrong.

silverbolt

Elessar wrote: »

Thanks for the responses folks, you make a lot of sense. Beks101 especially - great insight. I suppose it's hard to not take it personally, I mean, she's on a dating site, but is not ready to move on? She seemed genuine anyway so I'll have to take her word for it. I'm just disappointed mostly. I rarely meet women who are as compatible for me so for it to just abruptly end after such a good time is a stinger.

It's true I tend to get attached fairly quickly but I guess I'm a romantic like that. I get hurt easily as a result. I'm working on it. This girl did seem fairly cool and although I'm gutted she didn't want anything more, I wish her the best. I think I need to not be as strong on the first date, hold back a bit, for my own sake.

Dating sites are full of people who are looking for ego stroking, something to pass the time, attention, power trips and desperately trying to shake off those pesky "like my ex" feelings.

Oh and early attachment is not romantic. Its clingy and insecure.

As for dealing with rejection. I dont let myself develop feelings until i know its going somewhere - I sure as hell dont think "oh wow shes one in a million" after one date. The answer is dont become so emotionally invested so quickly